todays once again the new DAY ONE. i need to stop drinking. its seriously a problem ive been ignoring since day one of the day one of the day before. forever and a half life it feels like. i need to stop but its hard. harder then one without the same problem would think. its harder then hard for me. and im getting tired of failing and all i even want right now is one more fucking beer. one shot even. just some thing with alcohol. anything. id take a hobo swig of coughing syrup if i thought i could get it. ive done it before. and id do it now if i could escape the house without making my roomie suspicious. and he wants me to quit so bad. so so so so bad. and hes put up with so much since ive moved in. and still he cares about me. he cares a lot and i still dont really understand why. why does a guy ive only known a year care more about me then i care about myself? why cant i force myself to care? all of the damage alcohol has done to my life and i still want it so badly every day. i mean just last night and this morning i finished off an entire bottle of vodka by myself. what the fuck is wrong with me? i cant keep using my mothers death as an excuse. ive let so much get in the way of my living that its as though ive given up. im only 26 wth. --------------------------------- i hope i can make it through tonight. maybe if i make it through all night without walking down to that store then maybe i can make it through tomorrow night. i need help. and i need to make that call.