not even sure where to begin. down and out and then down and sad and then sad and out and now...not giving much a fuck. and really. i know i should. but. the more it happens and the better i get at maintaining all over again...the better i feel. even tonight drew came over and offered me my whitefriend and i knowing better fully accepted. wanted. needed. and thought nothing of agreeing. and then as soon as i could i raced to the store and bought a bottle. for the come down of course. i dont like certain things without certain level-makers. the bringmedowns. i need time to time. and i want to be normal and clean and grown. but. i dont know if i can take it all so seriously. really? what the hell am i normalizing for? a desk job. a fucking salary. a pension. finally being able to buy that awesome car when i/m 104yrsold wearing diapers? and i dont think i should feel that way. but. i do. watch SUBURBIA. i was born at the wrong time. if i could go back. FUCK college. Fuck it. all. id do what i shouldve done in the first place. my own damned thing. i just started out late and it bothers people. makes them question their own journey i guess. im sorry if i look young and act young and if young people like me. im sorry for being a bad influence. but. ive never meant to be a role model. i just like being me. and im afraid that despite IT ALL. ill never change. its like some weird battle constantly. and i only ever want to change when i get into trouble. right now i guess im back to my FUCK IT ALL attitude. and im not sure how to feel about it. liver cancer vs. pollution caused cancer? or memory loss...or alztiemers...or however in the hell you spell it. arent we all dead anyway. is a real life going to make me so much happier? i wish i had the strength to find out right now. but. i sort of like being weak. it relaxes me. im no good with stress. or being MA-TOO-ERER. mature. i dont know. i guess we/ll see how it all shapes out.