im not clean. not even close. over the past few days ive gotten wasted and done a bit of blow. quite a bit actually. so much the other night that i couldnt stop shaking. got no sleep. ate nothing. and whatever i did eat well didnt last long. and i keep going. today. im popping what i think is muscle relaxers and drinking some bad rum i just happened to find. i want to become a star. and the only thing holding me back is my indecision on what i want to be known for. fuck a clothing line. every old singer/artist/rappers daughter or wife or stupid child has one of those. why? because they need to feel creative. in my opinion not everyone should have their own whatever. because. unfortunately. not every single human on the planet is talented. despite what reality television shows us. the rich get bored and decide they need to feel accomplished. im so tired of watching those shows about old stars and their families. just because youre fathers gifted doesnt mean the gods gave talent to you as well. ignore me. im ranting now about things not even related to my problem. i want to be normal and sober but i just cant seem to follow through. i like being high. i like being drunk. i hate the illness that follows but once it passes im right back in the game. time and time and time and time again. a comment said i need some thing big in my life. and for the give of me i cant think of anything i actually have that i consider big. i dont even own the bed i sleep in. the chance i had to concentrate on some thing i got wasted and fired. i couldve been an awesome well paid and enjoyed manager. but. i gave it away. i said no. i said GOD THE NEXT TIME I GO IN WASTED I NEED TO GET FIRED. and this time god actually followed through and agreed. when i was young i always knew for some reason despite it all that id always be fine. id always somehow be protected and taken care of. that no matter what trouble came and went that my angels would make sure i would get right back up again. i always knew that i would survive. but. today. i dont know. eventually my luck will abandon me. eventually ill abandon myself. and then what. can i just keep daydreaming through life? im gonna be 30 soon. and ive made nothing of myself. is this it?