so i was going through my nexopia blogg's and i found this? i kind of remember writing it last spring i think? so like a year ago-ish. im not really sure what to think about it? but wow teen angst much eh? ha! jeez louise! I have no clue what is happening to me. Everything that once stood radiantly clear and defined has collapsed; now I am laying in a pile of cluttered words, feelings, promises. Everything that was so easy and thoughtless just months ago is buried under random excentricities of hurt, anguish, and even hapinness and genuine truth. There is no distinction and the days seem to fall into one another in the same way that everything else is. There is no path, no light at the end of this collapsed, blown out tunnel. I am not depressed or even angry, just confused and lonely. People I once thought of so highly with such trust and respect now seem to be alienating and patronizing me, but the anguish I am feeling as a result of this is causing me to wonder if this is somehow my own fault. I feel like I am losing myself, but I find it hard to define moments of my past as those in which I knew who I was. Though this could be some type of transition period, it has dragged on for months now and I still feel overwhelmed and misunderstood. I feel like I am missing out on something, and worst of all not being respected for my positive traits. Every one of my friends has transferred thier views of me. I want to scream out, I want so badly for them to see just for one second how much more there is to me, how little they know. How little I allow for anyone to know about me. How deep my thoughts are all the time, how I know things that most people my age don't have the time or patience to think about because they have not been in a place where they had to figure things out for their own. I'm so tired of being antagonized and left out, but so much of it is my own doing. Everything that I had so perfectly lain out before my eyes has collided, collapsed and now lay in incoherent ruins. I'm tired of hearing everyones rants about how they hate certain people they have never spoken to; how they can't stand when people judge or label them, while they talk snidely about someone who is undoubtedly so much more than they appear to be. All we do is complain, talk about our own friends and treat people with such little respect while we put ourselves on pedistols. Though parts of me want for people to get me, to see what I see, the majority of my being is so against the very thought of that. Its as though I need some reminant of secrecy of my thoughts, some feeble distinction between what they know about me and who I really am, so that I can retain control over something while these teenage savages rip everything and everyone else apart. My longings, my pains, my true beliefs and my most happy, powerful moments belong to me and no one else, and though they are currently so corroded and indistinct I refuse to put them in a place where anyone can simply judge them in the same way that they judge me now. Not because I care what they say or think, but because they don't have that right. When I told the people who I thought were my friends about the boy I met in the summer they go telling people that I must have exagerated and made things up? It disgusts me that people can be that condesending and, essentially, mean! I wish now that I had just kept the memories to myself, because that experience actually meant something to me and that was one of the best weeks of my life! There are so many things, both terrible and absolutely incredible, that have happened in my lifetime that I have not told anyone. It's beyond my comprehension where everyone seems to have aquired this inate ability to judge eachother for such superficial reasons. The only thing in my life that I regret are those times that I said mean things about people in reference to such petty, immature issues. For a while I would get so upset when I would hear that someone was mad at me because I offhandedly said something that somehow offended them without thinking. I danced like a girl at a dance without thinking twice because I was just genuinely having fun, and now I am a copier and unoriginal person.To go to school everyday and see people everywhere pretending to love eachother only so that they can go home and talk to whoever they are with about how that one girl is so fake, and, oh, the other one is definately a bitch. And, now, ironically, I am doing the exact same thing. Ranting and raving about stupid petty little issues because even though they shouldn't have, they got under my skin. Karma is something that has been underestimated for such a long time, and decency and natural justice has been long since forgotten. I'm tired. I want big things for myself, huge things. I have yet to meet a person who truly understands me in a way that I feel that I can let them know all of the things I have never told a soul. All of the experiences in my life that exist in my memory only because I am terrified of what could happen to them if they were to be released. The loneliness grows stronger every day at the same pace that the incomprehensible pile of cluttered existence grows deeper and less retrievable. I dont know what I want from what I need anymore and I don't know what or who I am supposed to be. I am not even sure anymore of who i am. I do know that I am strong enough to come out of anything and this is no exception. But, I am not sure when, how and more importantly who will convince me to share all of those secrets: all of myself.