What I'm Listening To: "Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured" by Arctic Monkeys Today was a good day, we went to a place called Carlisle (it's about an hour from where we're at right now) to have a look around & such. We had gone there back in September like, 2 days after we landed here from the US so it was kind of hard to enjoy it. It was a bit better today. I finally found the pink converse shoes I've been wanting...Allan was going to get them for me for Christmas but they were sold out everywhere. Couldn't get them though. Oh well. It was still nice to have a look around. Been having a bit of a rough time lately, just have a lot on my mind...mostly me leaving here & such. I have a month & a half left, it's flying in & it's starting to hit me. It's been fucking with me. There's other things too, like everything that's happened with my mother...I suppose everything that happened last year. It's a lot to take in I guess & I'm not handling it as well as I should be. I'll be fine, I just wish I knew how to fix it...well, not so much fix it all but at least deal with my emotions in a healthy way & be able to move on. I don't know where to start though. I'll do a better entry soon, Big Brother is on & I'm watching that...plus I'm really tired & hungry & such...so I need to take care of those things. xoxo *Brandi*

I thought I'd fill this out again, over a year later to see what's changed...a few things have, I was quite surprised. --FIRSTS-- :-: first best friend = this girl named Vanessa :-: first job = ehh well I attended ONE day of training at Albertson's for a "courtesy clerk" meaning I sacked groceries & took them to people's car...fun :-: first screen name = dhsbabe005 (back when I went to good ol' DHS, when I liked it there) :-: first self purchased cd = Umm...Merril Bainbridge, she sings that song "Mouth." I doubt anyone remembers it :-: first funeral = I really don't remember, been to a lot of them :-: first piercing/tattoo = 6 years old, got my ears pierced :-: first enemy = hmm...don't remember that either, I think it was a girl named Jessica :-: first big trip = Arkansas --LASTS-- :-: last big car ride = in September, 2 1/2 hours to DFW Airport & then once we arrived here in the UK about another 2 1/2 hour car drive...which is something you don't want to do when you've been on a plane for god knows how long :-: last good cry = a few days ago I think, over something silly I'm sure :-: last library book checked out = Drive Right (when I did Driver's Ed) :-: last beverage drank = Robinson's Orange...it's a diluted drink :-: last food consumed = Fruit flan w/fresh cream (yum!) :-: last phone call = to my dad but he wasn't there :( :-: last time showered = a few hours ago, so CLEAN! :-: last shoes worn = my pink slippers :-: last cd played = Will Johnson "Vultures Await" :-: last annoyance = Allan interrputed me & I got angry...haha :-: last shirt worn = my DIRTY GIRLS shirt! :-: last website visited = MySpace, I'm addicted to it! --DESCRIBE YOUR…-- :-: wallet = a very big brown wallet, it's nice though...just HUGE!!! :-: underwear = Allan's boxer shorts, they're gray with black stripes...why is it that guys underwear is more comfortable? :-: tattoos = none :-: hair = it's semi-long & straight (thanks to my straightener of course!) oh, it's brown too :-: eyes = greenish brown :-: hands = um, they're hands...what should I say say about them? they're small & feminine... :-: feet = size 9, been told I have very nice feet :-: room = well, at the moment I've taken over my boyfriend's room, there's all of his gadgety stuff & then my stuffed animals, clothes, etc... :-: boyfriend/girlfriend = my boyfriend is AWESOME, he's british...need I say more? hehe ;p :-: parents = My parents are insane...haha...my dad is great, my mom...eh, we'll leave it at that. --THIS OR THAT-- :-: [boxers or briefs] = Boxers definetely! :-: [plaid or striped] = Plaid :-: [salt or pepper] = Salt :-: [okay, ok, or o.k.] = ok :-: [bright colors or dark colors] = It depends, both are good though :) :-: [tic-tacs or certs] = Certs :-: [sunshine or rain] = Sunshine of course, but usually when there's sunshine it means heat...heat equals hot...and hot is bad. :-: [rain or snow] = SNOW! :-: [sun or moon] = Moon :-: [silver or gold] = Silver :-: [silk, cotton, or flannel sheets] = oooo silky silky now...HEY! lol :-: [preps or freaks] = Doesn't really matter, I think labels are silly...people are people, just some dress & act differently compared to others. :-: [popcorn-with or w/out butter] = w/butter :-: [ketchup, mayo, mustard, or relish] = None of the above :-: [shampoo + conditioner in one or separate] = Seperate --IF YOU WERE_______, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?-- :-: an animal = Walrus because they're fat & lazy, just like me! :) :-: a fruit = Strawberry :-: a vegetable = Cucumber :-: a color = Hot pink :-: a bug = who would want to be a bug? --SHORT ANSWER-- :-: are you smart? = Yes, I am intelligent on another planet :-: do you like onions? = nope :-: what instruments can you play? = I can play drums with pots & pans, that's fun. Oh, I forgot I can play the SPOONS! :-: what words do you overuse? = MON BOSS!! (inside joke) and there's others I'm sure :-: do you sleep with socks on? = nope :-: are you ticklish? = a little bit :-: are you shy? = believe it or not yes :-: do you talk to yourself? = sometimes haha, especially when I'm typing on the computer to someone :-: do you have a basement or an attic? = I have one now, it is at Allan's house...it is an attic. He's keeping it for me. :-: did you go to preschool? = yep, it was fun too! oh I miss those days :-: are you a morning person? = hahahaha oh hell no --FRIENDS-- :-: who you are closest to = my insane boyfriend Allan :-: who makes you laugh the most = Allan, but Ashley comes in a close 2nd :-: who is the most trustworthy = Allan of course! :-: who has the best house = Allan does, because he's standing behind me & I have to say these things...haha :-: who is the most daring = not sure, I can't decide between Allan or Ash :-: who cares more about their hair then anything else = Don't know :-: who is most likely to become an actress/actor = Don't know :-: who makes you cry the most = none of them :-: who is the craziest = um, what kind of crazy? Funny crazy would be Allan...psycho crazy...rather not answer that haha :-: who is the most flirty = Allan gets that one, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing :-: who is most likely not going to call = lol I don't know.... LAYER TWO: -- your heritage: I know I'm 25% hispanic (thanks to dad), I think I might have some irish in me...so I've been told, also I've got some sort of indian (from my great-grandmother) & then whatever's left is crazy ol' white girl -- your fears: failure & losing loved ones -- your perfect pizza: stuffed crust, extra cheese & pepperoni -- goal you'd like to achieve: get my GED & a job, then get back to England ASAP, then who knows what from there... LAYER THREE: -- your most overused phrase on AIM: lol or "yeah, ok" -- your thoughts first waking up: gosh I'm still soooo sleepy! -- your thoughts at bedtime: depends, sometimes I think about certain people or what happened during the day or what will be happening in the coming days -- your most missed memory: am I retarded for not really understanding what that means? LAYER FOUR: -- pepsi or coke: coke -- mcdonald's or burger king: mickey d's -- single or group dates: Single, but every now & then group dates are alright...depends on the company obviously -- adidas or nike: adidas -- lipton iced tea or nestea: hmm Lipton -- chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate -- cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino LAYER FIVE: -- smoke: Nope, I'm a GOOD girl :) -- curse: FUCK no!!! -- sing: yes, but not well -- take a shower everyday: just about, but every now & then I skip a day...I know, not very hygenic -- have a crush: not really, seems silly to answer that since I have a boyfriend...unless I can say that he's a crush...argh...confusing -- do you think you've been in love: Yep, I am currently in love...it's quite fun :) I never thought it could be such a good thing for me -- want to go to college: Yep -- like(d) high school: lol fuck no, that's why I dropped out -- want to get married: I think I do, but not just yet -- believe in yourself: Sometimes... -- get motion sickness: Nope -- think you're a health freak: Haha no -- get along with your parent(s): Well, my dad & I are getting along now...but my mom & I aren't...can't always have your cake & eat it too I guess. -- like thunderstorms: Nope -- play an instrument: Nope LAYER SIX: in the past month... -- drank alcohol: Yes, I'm legal to drink here in England. Whoo hoo! -- smoked: Nope -- done a drug: Nope -- had sex: What do you think? ;p -- gone to the mall?: Well, not exactly...went to a town centre with lots of shops, kind of what England might consider a mall -- eaten an entire box of oreos: Haha no, I don't really like oreos -- eaten sushi: eww no -- been on stage: Nope -- been dumped: No thank God, let's keep it that way -- gone skating: Nope -- made homemade cookies: Nope -- gone skinny dipping: No -- dyed your hair: No -- stolen anything: No LAYER SEVEN: ever... -- played a game that required removal of clothing: yeah -- if so, was it mixed company: Well it was me & a few guy friends...remember kids, I'd consumed quite a bit of alcohol & done an illegal drug...sober I would never do such a thing haha -- been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Haha yeah, quite a few times actually -- been caught "doing something": Been caught making out but that's it -- been called a tease: lol yep -- gotten beaten up: Nope -- changed who you were to fit in: Yes, which is stupid btw...BE YOURSELF PEOPLE! LAYER EIGHT: -- age you hope to be married: Undecided -- numbers and names of children: I don't want children... -- describe your dream wedding: I haven't gotten that far yet -- where you want to go to college: Undecided -- what do you want to be when you grow up: Either a journalist or something in the cosmetology area...but I'm also undecided there too. ONE THING AT A TIME PEOPLE!! -- what country would you most like to visit: Australia LAYER NINE: in a guy/girl.. -- best eye color: I'm not picky but I really like blue -- best hair color: Again, not picky but brunettes seem to do it for me :) -- short or long hair: Depends on the guy but usually short -- height: Taller than me (at least 5'4'') -- best articles of clothing: Black button up shirt with a pink tie & black pants...mmm so sexy! -- best first date location: Not too picky, as long as I get some food then I'm good to go! haha -- best first kiss location: I'm not sure LAYER TEN: -- # of drugs taken illegally: 2, one was semi-legal -- # of people i could trust with my life: 3 -- # of pets you have, what kinds, names: None anymore :( -- # of CDs that i own: I don't know, all of my cds are in America at the moment -- # of piercings: 4, 2 holes in each ear -- # of tattoos: none -- # of scars on my body: lol quite a few, too many to count but most of them are minor

What I'm Listening To: "Nothing" Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had no emotions than to feel the way that I do right now. I hate when I get like this, especially when there's no reason for it. Sure, things with my mom aren't great but they're never going to be...so I just have to deal with that. Otherwise, things are wonderful...so why am I so sad? To answer my own question, I'm thinking (well, hoping really) that I'm just being moody. That's the only thing that it could be unless it turns out I'm actually going crazy. Heh. Wouldn't that be great? I just needed to vent a little...I feel a bit better. I think I needed to actually be able to say that I'm upset for absolutely no reason. (wow, that really doesn't make any sense) It could be just one of those days... I'm getting better finally, which is good :) but I've passed my sickness on to Allan...which isn't good :( I feel guilty. It couldn't be helped obviously but it still isn't nice. He'll be fine though. It's like a really bad cold. Fun. Well I'll go for now, need to get ready...today is Allan's brother-in-law's birthday so we're going to their house to take presents through & such. I shall write again soon. xoxoxo *Brandi*

What I'm Listening To: Music from Animal Crossing (the DS game) -- Allan is playing it at the moment :) Oh my god...it's been over a year since I've done an entry in here. Heh. Crazy. To think how much things have changed since then...I don't even know where to start really. I suppose from the beginning would do. The last entry was of October 2004. I'd say about a week or 2 after doing that entry, we moved out of my grandmother's house. Her & my mom got into a fight about something really stupid (then again, everything they fought about was stupid...so that doesn't really matter) & so we packed our stuff up & left. We had nowhere to go so we ended up staying in a hotel for a few weeks (LOTS OF FUN! not really) & then with my brother's dad for a few days until we could get an apartment. So for about a month we were just kind of there...the first week of November is when we moved into the apartment. It was still in Denton. Blah. So things were good because we were finally out of that hell, or they seemed to be. Of course, things went back to being horrible... During this time Allan & I continued to talk; we got to be really good friends...but of course I still liked him so it made things kind of hard. I had invited him to stay w/me over Christmas but he was working & such so it wasn't going to happen. Instead he decided to come stay w/me for a few weeks in March. He ended up coming over on his birthday (Feb 27th). By the time he came over the 2nd time, things weren't great but they hadn't fallen apart...it was still bearable. Turns out old feelings resurfaced & then we really didn't know what the fuck to do. Everything was up in the air. Obviously, I had hurt him before & he didn't want to risk that again...and with living so far apart...it's hard to make a relationship work. So when he left he promised to come back & stay for 3 months (the longest he could stay on his visa) to see what would happen between us. Not too long after he left things got really bad, my mom started acting different...and money was disappearing & such, like we never had anything. We started arguing more & I was just really unhappy. I was babysitting Bryan all the time, I wasn't going out at all...I had absolutely no life. I slowly was sinking deeper & deeper into depression. So in June Allan comes back to stay until september, well it took a few weeks until him & I got back together (officially). Things were a little bit better with me & my mom, but not much...she was putting on a show for him. It didn't take long before that wore off. She was being a total bitch for no reason, other than she wanted to be I guess. She had started taking more & more pills, like all of the money from her paychecks was being spent on doctors & prescriptions. She couldn't even afford to pay rent. She ended up asking Allan for the money to pay rent so we didn't get avicted. Obviously, things aren't going well...and they continue to get worse. Her & I argued constantly...and it was making Allan uncomfortable because he's staying here & having to deal with this. I felt horrible because I would try to be nice to her but she would just turn around & be shitty. Well, a month & a half into Allan's trip he invited me back to England with him. Of course I said yes. My relationship with him was the only good relationship I had with anyone at that time & I didn't want to lose that, plus you know...we'd get to spend more time together & I'd get to go to England. That's a chance of a lifetime. Well, the next day I told my mom that I was going back with Allan & she freaked out. She went off & started telling me that I was making the biggest mistake of my life, that I was being selfish & stupid...telling me that I'm a horrible person because of this. Last time I checked, I'm considered an adult now...I can do whatever. Plus, I've known him long enough to know that he would take care of me. So it didn't go down well with her. In the middle of all of this, my dad & I started talking again. It had been over a year since we'd talked. Back in March I found out that him & his wife Leslie had a baby together back in December of last year. I was upset because everyone else had known but me. For some strange reason, something kept telling me to call him...and so I did. Just so happened that he was in Denton the day that I called so I went & saw him. That didn't go down well with Mom either. (I just couldn't do anything right!) So after Mom went off, I ended up talking to him & telling him the situation. Him & Leslie took us out to dinner one evening to meet Allan, which was cool. We had a good time & everyone got along. The plan was that they had invited us up to their house (they live in Waurika, Oklahoma) for Labor Day weekend. Well, Allan & I were trying to get stuff together for me to fly back with him September 8th. We were having some trouble getting the passport because Mom wouldn't let me use the car anymore...so they ended up inviting us up during the week to get the passport. They had their little connections so I would have my passport in a week instead of having to wait 3 weeks or more & not able to fly with Allan. So we went to Waurika, originally just to stay for a few days...we ended up staying there the rest of the time (which was about a month). One day Leslie took us down to the apartment to get our stuff out. Mom happened to be gone, so we just got our stuff & left. We never went back. Before we left the apartment, things were so bad that Mom & Bryan would get up in the morning & leave, then stay gone until midnight, then go to bed. We had no food whatsoever. Allan & I were having to walk either to fast food places around there or to the grocery store just to get bare necessities. The last few days of us being there Mom & Bryan had stayed gone...didn't go back to the apartment at all. Mom had quit her job, or was drawing unemployment. Who the hell knows. She changed her story several times. She said that she lost her job because of me. I had been sick & was supposed to have surgery, well she had scheduled a few days off to be with me...well the surgery was cancelled & she just never went back. Thankfully the surgery didn't happen, turns out all that hurting was caused from stress. About 2 weeks after getting in Oklahoma, it went away completely. Things were great while we stayed with Dad & Leslie. They took really good care of us. It's a nice little town, very little...but nice. It's so much better than Denton. I don't mind going back there. September 8th, we were taken to DFW Airport & we were on our way to the UK. This was my first time ever to fly, which surprisingly I wasn't that nervous. I enjoyed it. The first flight lasted about 3 1/2 hours, that was to Newark, NJ. The 2nd flight was 6 hours, that was to Manchester, England. We got to Manchester safe & sound (on September 9th) & have been here ever since. I was supposed to leave December 4th but when I went through immigration, I was told that I could stay for 6 months. We got my ticket changed about a month ago, so now I go back to Okie on March 5th. Things have been wonderful here, I've had such an amazing time. I feel so at home here. It's perfect :) Allan's family have been great to me & of course, we're still together...7 months now! (my longest relationship EVER!) We've been to a few places & everything. Like I said, it's all amazing! For pictures & blogs go here: http://spaces.msn.com/members/branstuff46 So that's been my life for the past year. lol. A lot has changed, that's for sure. This has been the worst & best year of my life. Things have worked out for me in the end. This is the first time in a really long time that I'm able to say I'm truly happy. It's a great feeling. I'm glad that I stuck things out because it really was worth the wait. Well, I'll go for now. Sorry it's so long, it's a lot to read...HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone!!!! xoxoxoxo *Brandi*

What I'm Listening To: "Lover I Don't Have To Love" by Bright Eyes For today to start out so shitty, it actually has ended quite well. I cleaned the whole house, which sucked but I'm proud of myself for doing it. I was going to put it off but it was bad. lol. I accomplished the only thing that I set out to do. lol. Oh well. Anyway so after I finish cleaning I get in the shower. While I'm in the shower Josh calls. I get out & call him back & he says he was wanting to come by. A few minutes later he showed up & it was cool. We didn't do anything really, we just hung out. We haven't done that in a really long time so like I said, it was cool. We talked about a lot of things, the whole situation with Catherine & I think some things were cleared up. At least I feel like they were. He's basically on her side, which is fine. I don't care either way anymore so I did get to hear pretty much her take on it was & Josh heard mine. I didn't say anything bad about her, I mean I just told him how I felt & I don't think there's anything wrong with that. He did say that he thought there was stupidity on both of ours parts...which there was. We both said & did a lot of things that we shouldn't have, that's because we were so angry & hurt, plus we both lack a lot of maturity. lol. No I don't think we could ever be friends again but you know...I feel like I understand everything a little better. I think I needed that. So yeah, Josh & I hanging out...plus he gave me a little confidence boost. He said I looked nice. Heh I didn't, I'd just gotten out of the shower & was in pants & a tank top but whatever. It was sweet anyhow. Also glad that someone noticed I'm finally losing some damn weight...lol. That's always good. It makes me happy. Haha. He was here for ehh I couldn't tell you how long, awhile & then he left. About 10 minutes later Ashley called me back & we talked for a long time. I haven't talked to her in it seems like so long. I miss her, I wish she still lived a block away from me...not in the next town. :( Oh well. So far the plan is we're going to get together Wednesday, which I'm excited about. Plus I get to see Sara (her baby) so that's awesome! We're talking about going to Denton High (our old high school) just to see people & so she can kinda like, show Sara off. It could be fun I guess, get to see old friends & shock people because I don't know how many people know that she had Sara & got married...so I'm always up for that. Shock value kinda stuff is fun. lol. Then who knows what we'll do after that, I figure we'll go eat & just hang out like old times. I think both of us need that right now. We're kind of in the same situation, we don't have jobs...well she has one, she takes care of Sara but we're both kinda stuck at home all the time & we're about to go crazy. lol. Mine is because I don't have a job or a car & I'm usually taking care of the house & helping out w/Bryan. For now that's my "job." Fun. lol. Oh well. I'm in such a good mood, it's insane. I don't know, I kinda felt abandoned by everybody because like everyone has their own life...they work or go to school or take care of their kid & that sorta thing & I don't really have anything. I was feeling extremely alone. Then you know, seeing Josh & talking to Ashley, I mean they called me. It felt nice to be remembered & thought about & that sorta thing. I'm sure that sounds stupid but ever since I quit school I lost touch with a lot of people so my friends are few & far between. I really cherish the ones I have. Oh sappy! lol sorry but I don't know, after I did the last entry about Allan I wasn't upset about it anymore. I also didn't think about him that much today, even though we talked. I think I'm well on my way to getting over him. And that's a good thing. Very good thing. lol. Alright well I'm out, I really need to eat...I haven't eaten at all today & I'm soooo hungry. lol. Night everyone! xoxo- *Brandi*

What I'm Listening To: "The First Cut Is The Deepest" by Sheryl Crow Aww, I'm a little sad. :( Last night Bryan brought home a tree frog & we named him Jack. We were wanting to keep him but he probably wouldn't live very long if he wasn't you know, out & about like they do. Bryan let him go just a few minutes ago. I'm not a huge fan of frogs but Jack was cute, he was little. I finally wasn't scared of him anymore & then we get rid of him. Damn. Oh well. Now I'm sure he'll live longer & be happier instead of being trapped in an old box. lol. So I wish Jack a long and happy little frog life... Well, guess who managed to make a total ass of themselves last night? Oh yeah, it was me. I just woke up & I realized how stupid I acted, I'm completely mortified. You know when you get extremely intoxicated & one of your first reactions is to call your ex & say god knows what...heh, it's like that except I was sober. I mean I'd taken 2 somas but that's not going to mess me up. lol. And I didn't call him (Allan), we were talking on here, well the computer. It was weird, we were just having a conversation & everything was fine & then I asked him if he missed me. lol. And then it went on from there. God I'm freaking out...I don't know if I can talk to him again. At least I wasn't like, "I love you and I miss you." but I said that without saying it. Fuck me... I guess I should tell what happened, why the hell not? Sorry for cussing so much but I'm so mad at myself right now. Well, like I said before we were just having a normal conversation about, I can't remember exactly what but everything was cool. It had been the longest we'd talked since before we broke up. Anyway so then all of a sudden I ask if he misses me. He said that he did but he had "let go." I mean, it's a good thing & I'm happy for him that he's moved on...kinda. Of course there's a part of me that's upset because damnit I'm not supposed to care. I broke up with him, meaning that I shouldn't have anymore feelings for him & I shouldn't be such a mess. Unfortunately, I am. I don't know what to do. You know before I questioned being in love with him because it seemed so soon & everything but I definetely know now that I am. Fuck fuck fuck. Anyway, so after he says that he's let go & all that I ask him how he did it since I'm having an extremely hard time doing so. He told me that he just focused on other things. That's just great. And then this is where Brandi starts to say stupid shit...I was like, "I don't know why I'm telling you this, I probably shouldn't but I'm having a hard time with this letting go thing. I mean yeah, I know I was the one who broke it off but I don't know." Then I said I was trying to focus on other stuff & it wasn't working. Then he said I just need to find something to do to not think about it. Oh this is funny...something I said. "because you're like, "oh well she still has feelings for me but i don't her so you know, whatever " and then here i am, i don't even know what the fuck is going on in my head...and i'm gonna feel stupid for saying anything because i wasn't going to tell you or anyone this ever and pretend it was fine and i don't know...i just want it to be ok, i want to be ok but i don't know how to get there & i've tried just about everything & it's like, the more i try the worse i make it so then i decided to try not trying...and it doesn't work & i keep kicking myself in the ass because i was happy, you were the only guy who didn't fuck me over & instead of being happy i had that, which i was but instead i push you away because of my stupid fuckin fears and i'm so tired...." So I did pretty well on rambling & plenty of run on sentences haha. My knowledge of english just kind of faded away. I guess that happens sometimes though. But yeah, how stupid do I sound? Why in the hell would anyone with a brain in their head start telling her ex all of this, especially when they know that the feelings aren't returned. I mean, I don't think I was trying to get him back...or was I? Honestly, I don't know what I was attempting to do other than look like an obsessed freak. A little more was said & I did tell him that I regretted breaking up with him. lol. That was the worst thing I could've said. He sat there a long time & finally he said something, don't remember what now. Then I was like, "Ok I really should go now...I just keep talking and you know, saying things I shouldn't be saying & I don't know why I'm saying them. I'm really sorry. I mean, I'm sure right now it looks like I'm trying to play some fucked up game but I swear I'm not. I just, I don't know..." I said "I don't know" A LOT. Then he was like, "Don't apologize. You feel the way you feel and it's not good to hold that kinda stuff in because it can really fuck with your head." And so can blurting it out to your ex. lol. Well after I said everything, thankfully he was like, "Here let's lighten the mood a little bit." And went on talking about something else. Then everything was alright, or so it seemed. I don't know, I'm still not believing what I did. That's so not like me. I have NEVER done that. Once I broke up with someone then that was it. We were done. We could be friends but I didn't continue to have feelings for them. Well, with the exception of Jon but that was a long time ago...and that was different than this. I didn't love him. Wow, this sucks even more than I thought it would. Am I supposed to feel like this? I mean, I've lost control of the entire situation. I don't know anything anymore, I'm so lost & confused. I'm terrified. I hate it. I'm talking to J.C. right now & this is what I told him: I've never told anyone this...but alright, when my parents got divorced & my dad bailed on me, it was like there was his huge hole in my heart, this part that he took with him & I've done absolutely everything I could possibly do to fill this void & yeah, I might not have known him for very long but I don't know, I felt almost complete I guess when I was with him. I don't know why but I did and I'd never felt that before. I mean it was like he filled that hole & that's all I've ever wanted & then I get it & I freak out & get rid of him...I mean I know it wouldn't have worked out anyway because of the distance & all that but still... I don't know, there was something about him. and I do miss him because like, when he was here & we were just together, hanging out & all that...I was really happy & I haven't been happy in a really really long time. It's true. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I haven't had much sleep & I'm racking my brain trying to figure everything out & I can't. I'm seriously about to go crazy. It's funny, the other night I was on my way home from getting something to eat & I drove by this church. You know how they have the signs outside that they put like church information in or random verses? This one normally just had church info, like what time service was. I was going by it & it said, "God is bigger than all of your loneliness." I was like wow...true. It was comforting to see that, kind of a reminder I guess. I know everything will be ok, I just don't know when. A lot of this I brought on myself, heh I'm getting pretty good at that. Hmm, J.C. says I should find someone here that I could fall for. I say fuck that, no more "relationships." I think I should just you know, use & abuse guys as they've done me. They're only good for sex anyhow, so get what I want out of them & go on. Haha. Anyway, I'm surrounded by a total mess so I need to go clean. Fun. THEN I'm going to study, which I haven't done in 2 days & also finish filling out my application for Sonic. Mostly, study. Study study study. Damnit I have no life. I need a boy toy. lol. Kidding. Sorta...alright I'm going. Have a good day everyone! *Brandi*

What I'm Listening To: "Cyclops" by The Libertines Oh my god this is the funniest thing EVER, alright so it isn't but I'm laughing pretty damn hard right now. A friend sent me a site (www.emode.com) I think it was, anyway I saw this IQ test on there & I thought I'd take it for the hell of it, you know to see what it says. And this is what came out: ((Congratulations, xoxbrandixox! Your IQ score is 118 This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.)) If that's not the biggest line of shit I've ever been told, then I don't know what is. Anyway, it made me feel good regardless if it's accurate or not. I don't know, everyone has always told me that I'm smart & that I just don't apply myself. Maybe so. Who knows? Either way, I'm not feeling so damn bad about myself. Earlier I was going through my GED book, right now I'm in the Social Studies, well History part & I'm not doing very well. I'm not even kidding, it's difficult for me because I never learned history. All of this I was supposed to learn like, my sophomore year of high school. My teacher didn't care, I seriously did not learn a single thing in his class. Everyone would just sit around & socialize the entire time. Every now & then we'd do like, one paper. It's sad. Oh well, whatever. So I talked to Joshy earlier...went alright. At first it was a little awkward talking, I think it was more so for him. It wasn't bad though. Then I got on here & he was on & IMed me. The first time we talked for like, oh not even 5 minutes. Later on he came back & I was still on & we talked for a little longer this time. He's going through some hard times kinda like I am...we're both really lonely. Like you know we're single & don't have anybody & it sucks. Sometimes it's cool but you start to miss things about it...but whatever. Then he said he had to get in bed. I should do the same. It's 4:15. I didn't realize how late it was. lol. I'm supposed to get up at like, 8 or 9. Grr. Oh well. Maybe I'll get up, maybe I won't. We'll see. Anyway I'm out, I need my beauty rest. Night all. *Brandi* (PS) You guys keep these comments coming...I feel so special! Hehe (yeah, I'm pathetic...who cares)

As if you were born into a world of tears, youalways tend to look at the darker things inlife. Inside you crave attention yet push awaysociety, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawnto things like the occult and mysteries, youspend your time daydreaming. What Type of Soul Do You Have ? brought to you by Quizilla *I guess this has some truth to it, rather I'd like to admit it or not. Hell my background is of an heart with a gun in it. What does that tell you? Heh. I need to change.

What I'm Listening To: "Dreams" by TV On The Radio Well, today is another day...not sure if that's good or bad. So far it's kind of sucked & I've been up for about, oh 20 minutes or so. lol. My grandma is tearing the house apart, I don't know what the hell she's doing nor do I care, well I do care a little because I'm gonna be the one cleaning it up. Oh I just love when she gets on these kicks! And I was in the kitchen making some toast & she comes in & is like, "HEY!" I mean she screams it right in my ear. Ok, how about we not do that. Grr she drives me nuts. Moving on, the plan for today is to study quite a bit...fun & then who knows what from there. I'm thinking about calling Josh. I haven't talked to him in awhile, since the whole thing went down w/me & Catherine & I miss him. I mean, I don't like him "like that" or anything, he's a cool guy. I don't know, I'm about 99.9% sure he's pissed at me about the whole thing because him & Catherine are...well I don't know what the fuck they are lol, one minute they're together & the next they're not, then they're just "dating" then it's back to whatever. I don't know. Normally he'd call or show up here at random but I haven't heard from him since Catherine & I stopped talking so I'm sure she's told him god knows what about me & therefore, he doesn't want anything to do with me. (wow such a run-on sentence) If that's the way he feels, then fine. I can't change that. I don't know, I really don't want to discuss it with him but I'm thinking maybe I should tell him my side of the story because right now, he only knows Catherine's. According to her, I stabbed her in the back because I was talking shit about her. Yes, I did say things behind her back but anything that I said I'd be more than happy to say it to her face. In fact, I did. I also ditched her for some guy that I knew for about 2 weeks, he was such an ass to her & blah blah blah but I'm too stupid to see that. I don't have a mind of my own, I let other people control me. Let's see, I'm a whore. Oh there's more I'm sure but this is what she told me. lol. I didn't ditch her for some guy, I was tired of her shit anyway & the incident w/Allan was the final straw. I wasn't around for all of it so I don't know what he said or she said. I just saw how him & I were both treated when she was around. She'd hardly talk to us & when she did she'd be a bitch. She was so jealous she couldn't stand it. Yet she doesn't like this guy...uh huh. I don't know, I don't think she did like him but I think she just didn't want ME with him. The attention wouldn't be on her. Plus, seems like anytime I would talk to a guy or date them she'd be mad at me. lol. Whatever, it doesn't matter anymore. It's stupid junior-high drama & I won't do it. We're supposed to be grown here or close to it, not acting like a bunch of 10 year olds. Anyway, so like I said, I don't know what Josh has been told so that made me a little scared to call him, which is why I didn't do it sooner. I don't care anymore. It's all in the past. I don't hate Catherine, I hope she has a good life & she's happy. Honestly. A lot of people say that just because they feel like they have to or something but I'm being serious. I don't have any hard feelings. That doesn't mean I want to be friends with her, because I don't. There's entirely too much drama involved in being associated with her. I won't do it. I have enough bullshit in my life. I so believe in Karma. Today mom locked her keys in the truck & the windows are up, well I think one is cracked but anyway, she couldn't drive her truck to work. Someone had to come & get her. My grandma wants me to help her get out there & see if we can get the keys out but I'm not doing it. Or you know what? Maybe I should...it would be a nice thing. I don't know, my intentions would be wrong though since I'm still mad & honestly, I don't give a fuck if her keys are locked in that piece of shit truck of hers. I think that happened because of the way she acted towards me the other night & she still hasn't apologized. I don't think she will either because that's how she is, I have to say I'm sorry. Fuck that. I won't do it. I didn't do anything wrong so why should I apologize for her being a bitch? Nope nope nope. I will not do it anymore. I figure she'll come home tonight & if I'm here (which I probably will be) she'll be all nice, wanting to be my best friend. I don't think so. I'm really upset. But anyway, it's probably wrong I say this & something will happen to me now but when grandma told me about mom's keys I started laughing. Oh that crazy karma.... Well I managed to ramble enough for today, sorry for the excessive amount of bitchiness lately. Things just aren't that great right now. It'll get better. I talked to a friend last night a little bit, I didn't tell him everything but I told him part of what was going on & turns out we're kinda having some similar problems. It's nice to know you're not alone in it. Plus you know, I wasn't sure where we stood like...I don't know, he's cool & all but I didn't think I could talk to him about serious stuff, that we were close enough for that. He told me that anytime I needed to talk, no matter how stupid I thought it was to talk to him. That made me feel really good, I'm glad SOMEBODY cares. Haha. Alright, I'm out. *Brandi* (PS) Sorry for the lack of creativeness in my titles but I'm just blank right now...

Another one of those pointless things you fill out when you have NOTHING else to do. ::About You:: Your gender: Female Straight/Gay/Bi: Straight Single?: Yes I am If not, do you want to be?: I can't answer this question since I am single, but I can say this; sometimes I wish I weren't Birthdate: April 6th, 1987 Your age: 17 Age you act: I'm not sure, been told I'm an old soul...but I have my moments where I act about 4. lol Age you wish you were: 5, that was when my parents were still happily married & I didn't have a worry in the world Your height: 5'3'' Eye color: Green w/brown around my pupils Happy with it?: With my eye color? Sure...I wish they were all green but whatever Hair color: Brownish reddish color Happy with it?: Not really, I want it darker...I miss it being black Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: Righty Your living arrangement: HELL, oh I mean at home, in Denton Your family: Mom, Bryan (brother) & Grandma Have any pets?: 2 dogs What's your job?: Does being a slave at my house count? Piercings?: Ears Tattoos?: None Obsessions?: Hmmm...I don't think I have any Addictions?: Caffeine, writing, somas (muscle relaxers), biting my nails... Do you speak another language?: Nah Have a favorite quote?: Hmm nope Do you have a webpage?: Nope ::Deep Thoughts About Life And You In It:: Do you live in the moment?: Not like I should, I focus on the past...A LOT Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: Heh I guess.... Do you have any secrets?: Of course Do you hate yourself?: About 95% of the time Do you like your handwriting?: Sometimes Do you have any bad habits?: Oh yeah, plenty What is the compliment you get from most people?: I get a few..."you're hot, you're pretty, you look older" and the most common one..."wow you have big boobs" lol yeah, whatever. If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: I don't know, I'm too tired to think of a clever title What's your biggest fear?: Never leaving Denton Can you sing?: Hahaha no Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: Nah Are you a loner?: I can be but I do like people, I just go through weird phases.... What is your #1 prioritiy in life?: Hmm, tough one. To be successful, not famous but successful so I don't have to have financial troubles & that sort of thing. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: lol oh hell no, well maybe...I'm not terrible I don't guess Are you a daredevil?: It depends, I can be Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: I don't fear anything about myself but I hate a few things...the fact that I can't let go of certain things & there's more of course but we won't get into that Are you passive or aggressive?: It depends, a lot of people assume I'm passive because I'm somewhat shy but you'd be surprised... Do you have a journal?: the sitDiaries thing What is your greatest strength and weakness?: Strength--maturity, I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. Weakness--depression, I can't seem to get rid of it If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: One thing about myself...I'll say 2. The one for physically would be my entire body, god I hate it. My inner self I'd say I'd be happier, more outgoing type person Do you think you are emotionally strong?: I guess I must be a little, despite everything I've been through I'm still here...so I'm not too weak Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: There's things I'm not proud of but I don't regret them either, life is too short for all of that Do you think life has been good so far?: Not really, I mean there's good times I've had but the majority of it has sucked. What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: That no matter how bad things get, you have to keep on going... What do you like the most about your body?: I don't know... And least?: My body. lol. Do you think you are good looking?: Not really, I think my face isn't bad...I'm not like, totally ugly but no I don't find myself attractive at all Are you confident?: I can be... What is the fictional character you are most like?: Hmm...I can't think of one Are you perceived wrongly?: A little, I know that some people have thought of me as spoiled or snobby just because I'm shy...also guys like to assume that I'm slutty. I haven't figured that one out yet, I don't dress nor do I act like a whore. ::Do You?:: Smoke?: Smoke what? Cigs, ever once in awhile...I don't really like them. Every now & then I like to smoke a certain other thing...heh Do drugs?: This is where the "certain other thing" comes in & prescription stuff, if that counts Read the newspaper?: Some of it; sports & classifieds Pray?: Not as much as I should...every now & then Go to church?: Nope Talk to strangers who IM you?: Sure Sleep with stuffed animals?: Nope Take walks in the rain?: Not unless I have to Talk to people even though you hate them?: No, why would you talk to someone that you don't like? Drive?: Sometimes, not much though since I don't have a car Like to drive fast?: Sometimes ::Would Or Have You Ever?:: Liked your voice?: Not really Hurt yourself?: Uh, yeah Been out of the country?: Nope Eaten something that made other people sick?: Sure... Been in love?: Nah, thought I was once...or twice haha Done drugs?: Yeah Gone skinny dipping?: Um, not that I can remember Had a medical emergency?: Yes Had surgery?: Yes, 2; wrist & tonsils removed Ran away from home?: Nope but I've thought about it plenty of times Played strip poker?: Yeah Gotten beaten up?: Nope Beaten someone up?: Kinda, back in 6th grade this guy tripped me on purpose & I turned around & punched him lol. I don't think that counts though Been picked on?: Yeah, who hasn't? Been on stage?: Yeah, not recently though Slept outdoors?: Yes Thought about suicide?: Yeah...many times Pulled an all nighter?: That's what insomniacs do, except it's not by choice If yes, what is your record?: I'd say about 3 or 4 days, then I finally slept for about 2 hours then was back up again. Gone one day without food?: Yes Talked on the phone all night?: Yes Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: Yes Slept all day?: Sure have, you gotta sleep sometime Killed someone?: Nope Made out with a stranger?: Yeah... Had sex with a stranger?: Um, sorta...long story & it's not something I like to talk about Thought you're going crazy?: Haha yes Kissed the same sex?: On the cheek but that's it Done anything sexual with the same sex?: Nope, not into that Been betrayed?: Yeah, haven't we all? Had a dream that came true?: Surprisingly yes Broken the law?: Haha yeah Met a famous person?: Yep Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: Nope On purpose?: Nope Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: Yes Stolen anything?: Yeah, nothing major...I remember this girl I didn't really like I took her earrings, but that was it lol Been on radio/tv?: Nope Been in a mosh-pit?: Yep Had a nervous breakdown?: Not yet Bungee jumped?: Not yet, I'd like to though...nobody wants to do it with me. :( Had a dream that kept coming back?: Yeah, a couple of them actually ::Beliefs:: Believe in life on other planets?: I don't know...nor do I really care Miracles?: Yeah Astrology?: Nope but I still like to read my horoscope just for fun Magic?: Nope God?: Yes Satan?:Yes Santa?: If you mean my 'rents then I would guess so Ghosts?: I don't know.... Luck?: Haha I believe there's bad luck Love at first sight?: Nope Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: Yeah Witches?: lol no Easter bunny?: once again, you mean my parents? Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: Yes I do Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: Nope Do you wish on stars?: Not anymore ::Deep Theological Questions:: Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: Yeah Do you think God has a gender?: Hmm, I don't know about that one Do you believe in organized religion?: I believe in it but I don't agree with it. I think either you believe & worship God or you don't. There's no need for Baptist, Catholic, Methodist...etc Where do you think we go when we die?: I don't know, depends on where God wants us to go I guess ::Friends:: Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: Yes I do Who is your best friend?: Ashley Who's the one person that knows most about you?: Ashley What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: lol I don't know... Your favorite inside joke?: There's too many to pick just one Thing you're picked on most about?: The fact that I'm partly mexican lol, not in a bad way but all of my friends are either white or black so you know...I'm the black sheep Who's your longest known friend?: Ashley Talking to? Um....at the moment? I don't really get that Newest?: Allan Shyest?: Candice Funniest?: Hmm...can't pick just one. All of them are funny in some sort of way Sweetest?: Miss Ashley Closest?: Ashley Weirdest?: Ashley lol...very different from anyone I've ever met Smartest?: Josh Ditziest?: Hmmm, think that goes to Ash again lol Friends you miss being close to the most?: Justin, he's a great guy Last person you talked to online?: this guy David Who do you talk to most online?: Hmm either David or JC Who are you on the phone with most?: Ashley Who do you trust most?: Ashley Who listens to your problems?: Ashley Who do you fight most with?: Hmm none, the one I fought with the most I don't talk to anymore...so there you go Who's the nicest?: Ashley Who's the most outgoing?: Justin Who's the best singer?: lol I don't know Who's on your shit-list?: lol oh I have a few...no names though Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: Yes & I went through with it...twice Who's your second family?: Ashley & her parents Do you always feel understood?: lol no, I never feel understood Who's the loudest friend?: Danette Do you trust others easily?: Nope Who's house were you last at?: Um, mine Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: Allan...*sigh* Do your friends know you?: lol I hope so Friend that lives farthest away: Allan ::Love And All That:: Do you consider love a mistake?: Yeah, what a waste of time... What do you find romantic?: I don't know Turn-on?: A person or what a person does? Turn-off?: Manwhores First kiss?: Mine personally sucked lol but I guess if you're with someone you really like, the first kiss can be great If someone who you had no interest in had interest in dating you, how would u feel?: I would feel a little bad because I couldn't reciporcate the feelings but if I don't have interest in someone...I can't nor will I change that Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going: Knowing the person Have you ever wished it was more socially acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out: Sure, hell I've asked a guy out before...it wasn't a big deal I don't think Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: Yeah Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: Well I say no but I've been told otherwise, so whatever What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: The worst thing...the guys I come across are inconsiderate. They could careless about how you feel or how they treat you, as long as they get theirs that's all that matters. What's the last present someone gave you?: A little stuffed animal Are you in love?: Nope ::Who Was The Last Person...:: That haunted you?: lol nobody... You wanted to kill?: Well there was this one person...not joking either. That you laughed at?: Bryan That laughed at you?: Bryan That turned you on?: Allan You went shopping with?: Mom & Bryan That broke your heart?: Allan, but that was a messed up deal because I supposedly broke his too To disappoint you?: Mom To ask you out?: This guy Andy...don't even know the guy, but whatever To make you cry?: Mom To brighten up your day?: JC That you thought about?: Allan You saw a movie with?: lol I don't remember... You talked to on the phone?: My grandma You talked to through IM/ICQ?: JC You saw?: Mom You lost?: Allan ::At This Moment...:: Are you going out?: Nope, I wish Will it be with your significant other?: No Or some random person?: No What are you wearing right now?: White t-shirt & black shorts Body part you're touching right now: None, I'm typing What are you worried about right now?: A number of things... What book are you reading?: Some book for the GED test What's on your mousepad?: Bubbles Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: lonely, overwhelmed, tired, bored, empty Are you bored?: Oh god yes Are you tired?: A little Are you talking to anyone online?: Nope Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: Nope Are you lonely or content?: Lonely Are you listening to music?: Nope

What I'm Listening To: "Stronger Than Dirt" by Tom McRae Wow, it's been two whole days since I've done an entry. OMG it's a record, time for everyone to freak out! Heh, alright whatever. So it's Friday night, didn't do anything...as I haven't been for the past like, month. I'm back in my "anti-social" phase. Funny how that works, I get to where I'm barely at home & I'm all, "OH I LOVE PEOPLE!" You know, that sorta thing. Then I get depressed & snap into "I hate the world mode" and I become anti-social. I don't want to go out, yet I do. It's like, no matter what I do I'm miserable. I'll still talk to friends some but I won't hang out with them. Yeah yeah, I know it's weird & I'm sure it's not normal, but that's just me. It'll pass. Within a couple of weeks I'll be back to my normal, friendly self & everything will be fine. Hahaha alright maybe not, but whatever. Anyways...I'm buzzin right now. It's great! That's horrible I know, damn drug addict. Kidding. Well, maybe there's a little truth to it. I took some pills & they messed me up a little since I hadn't taken them in a few days. I think I needed it though after the day I had yesterday (and today too), it's alright ever once in awhile to "escape" from this suck ass life. Mom & I got into a huge fight last night, I ended up telling her that I hated her. I probably shouldn't have said it but I was so pissed off, plus at the time I meant it. I don't know, I hate the person that she's become. She's not cool like she used to be. She can be but for the most part, she's not. Anytime she's pissed off she takes it out on me (even if I wasn't the cause of it) & I don't appreciate it. Plus it's like, I'm miserable. I'll be blunt. I hate waking up everyday. The majority of the time I wish I were dead. I hate life that much. I mean, it's not always like that but it is quite often, more than it should be. I know this. I know that I suffer from depression. I know that I should probably get some therapy & be on anti-depressants. I also know that I need to have a little more faith in the man upstairs & realize that life sucks, that you just have to learn how to take the good with the bad. Not too long ago, my mom & I were having a discussion & I told her I wanted to get back on some medicine because it's getting worse & she told me no. She said that I don't need it. Ok....I think I would know more than anyone what I need or don't need. Then I try to talk to her about things & she just says, "It'll be alright." Hmmm, it hasn't been alright for 17 years...what makes you think it's going to change? I mean, yeah eventually things will get better but until then I need someone I can go to. I don't like talking to people about my problems because the majority of them don't understand nor do they care. They have their own bullshit, why would they want to hear about mine? Plus I don't want to be a burden to anyone. With her, that's what I feel like. She just tells me that it'll get better & not to worry about it. Yeah, thanks Mom. Anyway, I got a little off track. I used to be able to talk to her & she'd listen, now she doesn't & now she's a bitch to me so whatever. And last night she really proved it. This will take another paragraph. We just got home from dinner & going to the zoo (yeah, fun) & everything. We're unloading things & she told me to put the ice chest in the back yard. I start to take it out there & as I open the back door, my black lab Rocko runs past me & goes out into the front yard. I chase him for a little bit but then he ran up the street & I couldn't see him anymore. Mom goes off & tells me how stupid I am for letting him out & blah blah blah...anyway her & Bryan go to find Rocko. She tells me to finish unpacking everything. I start doing this & about 10 minutes later, I notice our security light thing come on so I happen to go & open the front door & there's Rocko. This is a good thing, right? Anyway, I put him up & go outside & see if Mom drives by so I can flag her down, to tell her that he's back & not to worry about it. She comes by but she doesn't see me I guess. About this time my grandma pulls up so I tell her what's going on & jump in the car with her, then off we go. We passed them once & tried to find them again but couldn't. We finally came out & there they were. I go in & I tell my mom what the deal is, thinking "well she'll be happy that he's home & so will Bryan." Instead, she starts screaming at me about how I didn't finish unpacking, that I was just trying to use that as an excuse to get out of doing anything. Noooo I wasn't, I was trying to do her a favor & be nice. Then I was going to come back & unpack everything so she wouldn't have to do it. That was my plan. Anyway, I try explaining this to her but she's throwing such a fuckin fit she's not listening to a word I'm saying. She keeps on screaming & I'm like oh my god shut up. Finally I snap & I'm just like, "I HATE YOU!! AND I HATE LIVING HERE, I'D RATHER LIVE ON THE STREETS THAN LIVE IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN HOUSE!" And I storm off to my room. I sit there a few minutes, trying to calm down. I finally do so & decide to start studying. About 15 minutes later she comes in my room & starts yelling at me some more & I had it. I started screaming back at her & she keeps on & on, finally I give up. I quit listening to her. I'd just say "uh huh. Yeah." She finally left my room. Later on she comes back in there & is still being shitty & asks if I know where Bryan's medicine is. I tell her no & she gets pissed again, like I did something with it. Yeah, ok. Whatever. We didn't talk the rest of the night. I went to bed not too long after that. I was just like, she can go straight to hell. I screwed up by leaving the front door open so the stupid dog could get out, I shouldn't have done that. But you know, the rest of that was completely unnecessary. She had no right to go off like that. My intentions were good and that's what I get for trying to fix my mistake? I don't think so. She doesn't appreciate anything that I do around here & she sure as hell doesn't care about me, so fine whatever. I'm trying as hard as I can to hurry up & get my GED, so then I can take the SATs & after that, assuming I pass find a college. Then I'll be moving & living in a dorm. I'll be out of her hair. She won't have to deal with me anymore since apparently, I'm such a terrible daughter. I'm selfish, inconsiderate, spoiled, a bitch, not to mention i'm extremely immature & need to grow up. Right. I'm not the one who's 35 years old and still at home, so she should think twice before she tells me to grow up. Oh & I almost forgot, I'm JUST like my dad. Yeah, whatever. I can't stand her. I mean it, I have to get out of here. I need to be out by this time next year. I don't even know if I'll last that long. I've been considering people I could possibly go stay with but I don't wanna burden anyone. I considered going to Alabama w/my aunts & uncles. Check this out, I also considered getting back w/Casey & moving in with him. He's talking about going back to New Hampshire, or so he told a friend of my mom's so I thought about calling him or going to see him, begging & pleading, us getting back together & then I could leave with him. Yeah, that's bad huh? Anyone who knows me knows exactly how I feel about him. I can't stand the guy. Then again, I can't stand living here either. I hate it so much. I won't do it of course because I'm not going to depend on some fuckin' guy but I did think about it & I'm still thinking about it a little. I'm going to do it on my own, the right way. I just don't know what to do anymore. I miss my old mom. I miss when things weren't so complicated. I miss being happy. I know I probably shouldn't be griping about my so called "problems" because there's a lot of people who have it worse than I do. I should be grateful for what I have & I'm trying to be, I really am but it's hard when the bad outweighs the good. I wish mine & my mom's relationship was like it used to be, when we got along & we were more like sisters or friends or something instead of a mom & daughter. I miss being able to confide in her. I don't understand what I did that was so terrible to make her hate me...I mean, I know I'm not perfect by any means but all I know is that I must have fucked up pretty bad. Now it seems like I don't have parents at all. My dad was the one who bailed, she stuck around. She was both mom & dad to me & I don't know, I just feel like I've lost her too & here I am...completely alone. She came home tonight & we barely even talked. I think she said a total of like, 3 sentences. That's not like her, normally she comes in & starts talking about how her day was at work & what went down. Well whatever, I can't change it nor can I change her. I wish things were different...*sigh* Wow, how depressing was that? Sorry guys. I needed to get that out. I know everything will be ok, I just don't know when. One of my flaws is that I'm so impatient, so it makes it harder. Oh well. I'm too tired to talk about it anymore. Anyway, on a happier note...I think. I went to Sonic earlier to get some food. I'm not a huge fan of their food but it's not terrible either. I got an application & filled out most of it. The rest I'll finish tomorrow. I think I get the truck in the morning so I'll take it back then. It's not really where I want to work but it'll be a job for now. It'll be money anyhow. Plus it doesn't help that it's close to my house & there's a cute guy that works there as a car hop...that's what you call them, right? ;p But yeah...fun stuff there. What else? Other than the whole fighting w/my mom thing nothing has really gone on. Wednesday I got a haircut. I have bangs now, which is weird. I haven't had bangs in like, 8 years. lol. Plus I got some layers in it & it's kinda choppy looking, but that's how I wanted it. I think it looks alright. I look older actually. Heh. It's cool though, the shorter layers thinned my hair out some making it easier to deal with. I like it. Well, I should get going. I have to get up early & do my running around before 10. Grr. Lucky me. Oh well, I can come home & get back in bed. Night everyone. Have a good weekend! *xoxo* -Brandi-

What I'm Listening To: "Just To Know What You've Been Dreaming" by Will Johnson I almost forgot, today is Eli's 19th birthday! Nobody knows who he is nor do they care, but I do. I figured I should make a dedication. I love you, my sexy bitch! Grr that pisses me off more than anything...I'd typed out this entry & I ended up logged out. This is twice now. I don't appreciate it. I guess maybe after so long it times out. Well, whatever. It's annoying. Anyway so I bitched about how lonely I am, how I wanted a boyfriend but yet I don't because boys are stupid. Maybe that's a little harsh. The boys I seem to come across are stupid. There, that's better. I want to find someone who will love me & that I can love too yet all of that totally freaks me out. I'm weird I guess...oh well. Today was alright, I slept the majority of it so that was nice. Actually no, I hate sleeping until 4:30 in the afternoon. lol. I feel like I've wasted a day. I wanted to study some more but I couldn't...had too much to do around the house. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I finally heard from the doctor today, well my mom did. I found out that I have an infection, which is what's been causing the severe pain in my pelvis area for the past, what? 8 months. Actually it's been longer but in those 8 months it's gotten to be more constant & severe I guess. It's not like an STD or anything so that's good, VERY VERY good. lol. I was a little worried about that of course. Anyway, I'm taking antibiotics already so I think I keep taking those & then my doctor is calling in some more so once I finish these, I'll start on the new ones. Apparently it's pretty bad so 2 rounds of drugs should help, I hope. I wonder what it's from...oh well. I'm just glad I found out what was wrong & that it's curable. I think I'm gonna get in bed, I'm really tired & hurting...as usual. Goodnight. Maybe the next entry will be better. Heh. Don't count on it. *Brandi* (PS) This song I'm listening to...download it if you can. It's amazing! (at least I think it is)

It took me about 30-45 minutes to fill this out. lol. That's sad. Oh well, it kept me occupied for a little bit. --FIRSTS-- :-: first best friend = this girl named Vanessa :-: first job = ehh well I attended ONE day of training at Albertson's for a "courtesy clerk" meaning I sacked groceries & took them to people's car...fun :-: first screen name = dhsbabe005 (back when I went to good ol' DHS, when I liked it there) :-: first self purchased cd = Umm...Merril Bainbridge, she sings that song "Mouth." I doubt anyone remembers it :-: first funeral = I really don't remember, been to a lot of them :-: first piercing/tattoo = 6 years old, got my ears pierced :-: first enemy = hmm...don't remember that either, I think it was a girl named Jessica :-: first big trip = Arkansas --LASTS-- :-: last big car ride = about 2 years ago when I went to Alabama :-: last good cry = a week ago, having a terrible day... :-: last library book checked out = Drive Right (when I did Driver's Ed) :-: last beverage drank = A&W Cream Soda :-: last food consumed = CHEESE PIZZA! Yum, in fact I'm gonna eat more :-: last phone call = to my grandma :-: last time showered = yesterday...I need to do that as well :-: last shoes worn = my Old Navy flip flops! (aqua color) :-: last cd played = old school, FUEL...you guys know, "Hemorrhage (In My Hands)" Yeah, that cd. :-: last annoyance = my mom telling me not to leave a pill out because my brother might get into it...duh, yeah I'm gonna leave my drugs out so he can take them & OD & die...whatever :-: last shirt worn = the one I'm wearing now, plain white tee :-: last website visited = www.ae.com I was gonna look at some clothes but decided to do this instead --DESCRIBE YOUR…-- :-: wallet = black & gray leopard print, it's time to update :-: underwear = the ones I'm wearing now are red boy shorts, very cute :-: tattoos = none :-: hair = pulled back in a pony tail :-: eyes = green :-: hands = dry, could use some lotion :-: feet = size 9, been told I have very nice feet :-: room = it's clean I think... :-: boyfriend/girlfriend = nah, boys suck :-: parents = I love my mom... --THIS OR THAT-- :-: [boxers or briefs] = I'm a chick but boxers are awesome :-: [plaid or striped] = hmm...plaid :-: [salt or pepper] = salt :-: [okay, ok, or o.k.] = ok :-: [bright colors or dark colors] = depends on my mood :-: [tic-tacs or certs] = certs :-: [sunshine or rain] = sunshine, unless it's hot...I hate hot weather & of course I live in Texas...god I suck :-: [rain or snow] = SNOW! :-: [sun or moon] = moon :-: [silver or gold] = silver :-: [silk, cotton, or flannel sheets] = oooo silky silky now...HEY! lol :-: [preps or freaks] = lol umm, how bout those labels? how about not. :-: [popcorn-with or w/out butter] = w/butter :-: [ketchup, mayo, mustard, or relish] = eww none of the above, nasty :-: [shampoo + conditioner in one or separate] = seperate --IF YOU WERE_______, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?-- :-: an animal = I don't know, dogs are cool...how about that, a dog named Brandi. :-: a fruit = strawberry :-: a vegetable = cucumber :-: a color = hot pink :-: a bug = who would want to be a bug? --SHORT ANSWER-- :-: are you smart? = lol umm.... :-: do you like onions? = nope :-: what instruments can you play? = I can play drums with pots & pans, that's fun :-: what words do you overuse? = the phrase "yeah, ok" :-: do you sleep with socks on? = nope :-: are you ticklish? = not really, I'll move when someone tries to tickle my stomach but that's not ticklish...that's just not liking people touching my stomach...damn those insecurites! hah :-: are you shy? = believe it or not yes :-: do you talk to yourself? = sometimes haha, especially when I'm typing on the computer to someone :-: do you have a basement or an attic? = neither :-: did you go to preschool? = yep, it was fun too! oh I miss those days :-: are you a morning person? = hahahaha oh hell no --FRIENDS-- :-: who you are closest to = Miss Ashley Nicole :-: who makes you laugh the most = hmm can't choose just one; Ashley, Justin, Danette & Allan :-: who is the most trustworthy = Ashley :-: who has the best house = again that goes to Ash, she lives on her own...rock on! :-: who is the most daring = hmmm...I don't really know :-: who cares more about their hair then anything else = probably Josh lol :-: who is most likely to become an actress/actor = don't know :-: who makes you cry the most = none of them :-: who is the craziest = Danette or at least she used to be :-: who is the most flirty = 2 get that title: JC & Justin :-: who is most likely not going to call = lol I don't know.... LAYER TWO: -- your heritage: I know I'm 25% hispanic (thanks to dad), I think I might have some irish in me...so I've been told, also I've got some sort of indian (from my great-grandmother) & then whatever's left is crazy ol' white girl -- your fears: falling in love, losing loved ones, marriage & divorce, failure, NEVER LEAVING DENTON -- your perfect pizza: stuffed crust, extra cheese & pepperoni -- goal you'd like to achieve: I have a lot that I'd like to achieve but the biggest one is leaving Denton LAYER THREE: -- your most overused phrase on AIM: lol or "yeah, ok" -- your thoughts first waking up: damnit I wanna sleep some more! -- your thoughts at bedtime: depends, sometimes I think about certain people or what happened during the day or what will be happening in the coming days, or sometimes I think "god I hope I sleep tonight" -- your most missed memory: am I retarded for not really understanding what that means? LAYER FOUR: -- pepsi or coke: coke -- mcdonald's or burger king: mickey d's -- single or group dates: it depends, both are cool though -- adidas or nike: adidas -- lipton iced tea or nestea: hmm lipton -- chocolate or vanilla: chocolate -- cappuccino or coffee: can't choose, both are damn good LAYER FIVE: -- smoke: smoke what? haha -- curse: only on days that end with y -- sing: sure, when I don't think anyone is listening -- take a shower everyday: just about, minus today & when I'm sick...yeah I know, gross -- have a crush: little ones -- do you think you've been in love: At first I put yes but then I realized that I really haven't, that I get love & infatuation confused...oh well -- want to go to college: yes I do -- like(d) high school: lol fuck no, that's why I dropped out -- want to get married: that deserves another fuck no -- believe in yourself: sometimes... -- get motion sickness: normally no, but it did happen once -- think you're a health freak: I try to be lol -- get along with your parent(s): I get along with my mom quite well -- like thunderstorms: nope -- play an instrument: nope LAYER SIX: in the past month... -- drank alcohol: unfortunately no -- smoked: nope -- done a drug: does prescription count? -- had sex: nope -- gone to the mall?: nope -- eaten an entire box of oreos: lol no...if I eat an entire box of anything someone needs to shoot me -- eaten sushi: eww no -- been on stage: nope -- been dumped: nope, I'm the "heartbreaker" -- gone skating: nope -- made homemade cookies: nope -- gone skinny dipping: no -- dyed your hair: no -- stolen anything: no LAYER SEVEN: ever... -- played a game that required removal of clothing: yeah -- if so, was it mixed company: well it was me & a few guy friends...remember kids, I'd consumed quite a bit of alcohol & done an illegal drug...sober I would never do such a thing haha -- been trashed or extremely intoxicated: haha yeah, quite a few times actually -- been caught "doing something": been caught making out but that's it -- been called a tease: lol yep -- gotten beaten up: nope -- changed who you were to fit in: yes, which is stupid btw...BE YOURSELF PEOPLE! LAYER EIGHT: -- age you hope to be married: NEVER -- numbers and names of children: hmm I don't want kids but I've considered names anyway just in case I change my mind...boy-Seth or Branden...girl-Samaire or Alexis -- describe your dream wedding: I don't have one -- where you want to go to college: Undecided -- what do you want to be when you grow up: a journalist or an editor for a big magazine -- what country would you most like to visit: hmm...I can't choose between these 3; Australia, England (since bad ass bands come from there) & New Zealand LAYER NINE: in a guy/girl.. -- best eye color: green or blue -- best hair color: I'm not picky but I prefer brunettes or black hair...ooo hot -- short or long hair: depends on the guy, but usually short, oh & spiky -- height: taller than me (at least 5'4'') -- best articles of clothing: I like those plaid long sleeve button up shirts -- best first date location: I don't know, I don't like the traditional "dinner & movie" you know, be more creative...take me to a Rangers/Yankees game & you've won me over -- best first kiss location: here's my traditional sense, at the end of the date standing on the front porch under the moon & stars...ohhh yes Brandi does have a bit of a romantic side LAYER TEN: -- # of drugs taken illegally: 2, one was semi-legal -- # of people i could trust with my life: 2 -- # of pets you have, what kinds, names: 2 dogs; Rocko & April -- # of CDs that i own: not too many...like 80 or something -- # of piercings: 4, 2 holes in each ear -- # of tattoos: none -- # of scars on my body: lol quite a few, too many to count but most of them are minor

I love my dysfunctional family...not. Suddenly my grandma is wanting to be my best friend, she keeps talking to me. I'm like "ok you can stop now..." I mean, I love her & everything but she pisses me off on a daily basis. The only time she's nice to me is when the house is completely trashed & she's not wanting to help clean...which I can understand if she's not feeling well, then obviously she needs to rest. A lot of it is BS though because she'll be like, "Oh I'm so sick, I feel bad." Yet she'll leave & stay gone for hours. She'll go shopping & do all of this running around. Riiight. Whatever. I'm not stupid. It's been a year since Larry (mom's boyfriend) died, I can't believe it. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, feels like it happened yesterday. I wish he would've stuck around longer, he was a cool guy. I feel bad for my mom...she finally finds a good guy & he dies. I guess it wasn't meant to be though. Life's not fair, but you can't change it. It makes me think though that every single day is precious, that we can't take things for granted. We need to count our blessings & not focus on the bad so much, which of course is easier said than done. That's a lot of my problem. I'm working on it though...slowly but surely. I hope the day gets better, it's been kind of boring. Everwood comes on tonight, yay for that. I really like that show...good stuff right there. Well I'm gonna go, need to study (haha god that's weird to say) & all that. <3 Brandi

What I'm Listening To: "Lie In The Sound" by Trespassers William I typed out this loooong entry & it didn't go through. I don't know what happened but I logged out. I guess I wasn't fast enough or whatever. Fuck. I hate that. Oh well. I won't go into details about my day because I'm too damn tired now but it was decent, could've been better could've been worse. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being horrible like could not go on any longer) I'd say today was about a 5. The past 2 were like, 7 or 8. Anyway, so yeah who knows my entry might have gone through but I don't think so. Grr. Oh well. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Nighty night. *Brandi*

I woke up at 8:30 am & fell asleep at like, 4. lol. What the hell is wrong with me? I figured since I was up I'd go drive the truck for awhile so maybe I'd get used to it. And so I did just that. I drove for about an hour I guess, just all around the area. That was fun. Not. I know one thing, I'm not a truck kinda girl...especially an older one. I can't wait until I actually get my own vehicle, that's a car. lol. Mom says she's going to get me one for Christmas, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I hope today is a good day, the past 2 days have been shitty. I need to have a decent day. Well I don't have much else to say, waiting on food to cook...haha maybe I won't mess it up *too* bad. Hopefully it's edible. After I eat I'm going back to bed for a few more hours, I'm still tired. Oh I heard this really cool song while I was out & about, I wish I knew the name of it & who it was by. It was played on 92.5...the classic rock station (or one of them anyway) god I wish I knew, it's driving me crazy. I know it was a girl singing. I can't remember any of the words either. Oh well. Ok well food is done so I'm out. Have a good day. <3 Brandi

What I'm Listening To: "Only So Long" by The French Kicks I was using xanga, decided I needed a change so here I am. Yay. I'm tired, I should get in bed but I'm too focused on getting this the way that I want it, which I'm sure will take awhile. I don't have much to say, I had a horrible day & I'm missing a certain boy very much. *sigh* I wish I wasn't such a commitment phobe. He's a great guy, absolutely amazing. It's a shame that we don't live closer & that I'm not capable of having a so called "relationship." Anyway, I'm gonna mess around with this some more until I get it just right & I'm off to bed. Night everyone. -Brandi (PS) Does anyone know how to get a picture to be your background? If so, please let me know.