What I'm Listening To: "Stronger Than Dirt" by Tom McRae Wow, it's been two whole days since I've done an entry. OMG it's a record, time for everyone to freak out! Heh, alright whatever. So it's Friday night, didn't do anything...as I haven't been for the past like, month. I'm back in my "anti-social" phase. Funny how that works, I get to where I'm barely at home & I'm all, "OH I LOVE PEOPLE!" You know, that sorta thing. Then I get depressed & snap into "I hate the world mode" and I become anti-social. I don't want to go out, yet I do. It's like, no matter what I do I'm miserable. I'll still talk to friends some but I won't hang out with them. Yeah yeah, I know it's weird & I'm sure it's not normal, but that's just me. It'll pass. Within a couple of weeks I'll be back to my normal, friendly self & everything will be fine. Hahaha alright maybe not, but whatever. Anyways...I'm buzzin right now. It's great! That's horrible I know, damn drug addict. Kidding. Well, maybe there's a little truth to it. I took some pills & they messed me up a little since I hadn't taken them in a few days. I think I needed it though after the day I had yesterday (and today too), it's alright ever once in awhile to "escape" from this suck ass life. Mom & I got into a huge fight last night, I ended up telling her that I hated her. I probably shouldn't have said it but I was so pissed off, plus at the time I meant it. I don't know, I hate the person that she's become. She's not cool like she used to be. She can be but for the most part, she's not. Anytime she's pissed off she takes it out on me (even if I wasn't the cause of it) & I don't appreciate it. Plus it's like, I'm miserable. I'll be blunt. I hate waking up everyday. The majority of the time I wish I were dead. I hate life that much. I mean, it's not always like that but it is quite often, more than it should be. I know this. I know that I suffer from depression. I know that I should probably get some therapy & be on anti-depressants. I also know that I need to have a little more faith in the man upstairs & realize that life sucks, that you just have to learn how to take the good with the bad. Not too long ago, my mom & I were having a discussion & I told her I wanted to get back on some medicine because it's getting worse & she told me no. She said that I don't need it. Ok....I think I would know more than anyone what I need or don't need. Then I try to talk to her about things & she just says, "It'll be alright." Hmmm, it hasn't been alright for 17 years...what makes you think it's going to change? I mean, yeah eventually things will get better but until then I need someone I can go to. I don't like talking to people about my problems because the majority of them don't understand nor do they care. They have their own bullshit, why would they want to hear about mine? Plus I don't want to be a burden to anyone. With her, that's what I feel like. She just tells me that it'll get better & not to worry about it. Yeah, thanks Mom. Anyway, I got a little off track. I used to be able to talk to her & she'd listen, now she doesn't & now she's a bitch to me so whatever. And last night she really proved it. This will take another paragraph. We just got home from dinner & going to the zoo (yeah, fun) & everything. We're unloading things & she told me to put the ice chest in the back yard. I start to take it out there & as I open the back door, my black lab Rocko runs past me & goes out into the front yard. I chase him for a little bit but then he ran up the street & I couldn't see him anymore. Mom goes off & tells me how stupid I am for letting him out & blah blah blah...anyway her & Bryan go to find Rocko. She tells me to finish unpacking everything. I start doing this & about 10 minutes later, I notice our security light thing come on so I happen to go & open the front door & there's Rocko. This is a good thing, right? Anyway, I put him up & go outside & see if Mom drives by so I can flag her down, to tell her that he's back & not to worry about it. She comes by but she doesn't see me I guess. About this time my grandma pulls up so I tell her what's going on & jump in the car with her, then off we go. We passed them once & tried to find them again but couldn't. We finally came out & there they were. I go in & I tell my mom what the deal is, thinking "well she'll be happy that he's home & so will Bryan." Instead, she starts screaming at me about how I didn't finish unpacking, that I was just trying to use that as an excuse to get out of doing anything. Noooo I wasn't, I was trying to do her a favor & be nice. Then I was going to come back & unpack everything so she wouldn't have to do it. That was my plan. Anyway, I try explaining this to her but she's throwing such a fuckin fit she's not listening to a word I'm saying. She keeps on screaming & I'm like oh my god shut up. Finally I snap & I'm just like, "I HATE YOU!! AND I HATE LIVING HERE, I'D RATHER LIVE ON THE STREETS THAN LIVE IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN HOUSE!" And I storm off to my room. I sit there a few minutes, trying to calm down. I finally do so & decide to start studying. About 15 minutes later she comes in my room & starts yelling at me some more & I had it. I started screaming back at her & she keeps on & on, finally I give up. I quit listening to her. I'd just say "uh huh. Yeah." She finally left my room. Later on she comes back in there & is still being shitty & asks if I know where Bryan's medicine is. I tell her no & she gets pissed again, like I did something with it. Yeah, ok. Whatever. We didn't talk the rest of the night. I went to bed not too long after that. I was just like, she can go straight to hell. I screwed up by leaving the front door open so the stupid dog could get out, I shouldn't have done that. But you know, the rest of that was completely unnecessary. She had no right to go off like that. My intentions were good and that's what I get for trying to fix my mistake? I don't think so. She doesn't appreciate anything that I do around here & she sure as hell doesn't care about me, so fine whatever. I'm trying as hard as I can to hurry up & get my GED, so then I can take the SATs & after that, assuming I pass find a college. Then I'll be moving & living in a dorm. I'll be out of her hair. She won't have to deal with me anymore since apparently, I'm such a terrible daughter. I'm selfish, inconsiderate, spoiled, a bitch, not to mention i'm extremely immature & need to grow up. Right. I'm not the one who's 35 years old and still at home, so she should think twice before she tells me to grow up. Oh & I almost forgot, I'm JUST like my dad. Yeah, whatever. I can't stand her. I mean it, I have to get out of here. I need to be out by this time next year. I don't even know if I'll last that long. I've been considering people I could possibly go stay with but I don't wanna burden anyone. I considered going to Alabama w/my aunts & uncles. Check this out, I also considered getting back w/Casey & moving in with him. He's talking about going back to New Hampshire, or so he told a friend of my mom's so I thought about calling him or going to see him, begging & pleading, us getting back together & then I could leave with him. Yeah, that's bad huh? Anyone who knows me knows exactly how I feel about him. I can't stand the guy. Then again, I can't stand living here either. I hate it so much. I won't do it of course because I'm not going to depend on some fuckin' guy but I did think about it & I'm still thinking about it a little. I'm going to do it on my own, the right way. I just don't know what to do anymore. I miss my old mom. I miss when things weren't so complicated. I miss being happy. I know I probably shouldn't be griping about my so called "problems" because there's a lot of people who have it worse than I do. I should be grateful for what I have & I'm trying to be, I really am but it's hard when the bad outweighs the good. I wish mine & my mom's relationship was like it used to be, when we got along & we were more like sisters or friends or something instead of a mom & daughter. I miss being able to confide in her. I don't understand what I did that was so terrible to make her hate me...I mean, I know I'm not perfect by any means but all I know is that I must have fucked up pretty bad. Now it seems like I don't have parents at all. My dad was the one who bailed, she stuck around. She was both mom & dad to me & I don't know, I just feel like I've lost her too & here I am...completely alone. She came home tonight & we barely even talked. I think she said a total of like, 3 sentences. That's not like her, normally she comes in & starts talking about how her day was at work & what went down. Well whatever, I can't change it nor can I change her. I wish things were different...*sigh* Wow, how depressing was that? Sorry guys. I needed to get that out. I know everything will be ok, I just don't know when. One of my flaws is that I'm so impatient, so it makes it harder. Oh well. I'm too tired to talk about it anymore. Anyway, on a happier note...I think. I went to Sonic earlier to get some food. I'm not a huge fan of their food but it's not terrible either. I got an application & filled out most of it. The rest I'll finish tomorrow. I think I get the truck in the morning so I'll take it back then. It's not really where I want to work but it'll be a job for now. It'll be money anyhow. Plus it doesn't help that it's close to my house & there's a cute guy that works there as a car hop...that's what you call them, right? ;p But yeah...fun stuff there. What else? Other than the whole fighting w/my mom thing nothing has really gone on. Wednesday I got a haircut. I have bangs now, which is weird. I haven't had bangs in like, 8 years. lol. Plus I got some layers in it & it's kinda choppy looking, but that's how I wanted it. I think it looks alright. I look older actually. Heh. It's cool though, the shorter layers thinned my hair out some making it easier to deal with. I like it. Well, I should get going. I have to get up early & do my running around before 10. Grr. Lucky me. Oh well, I can come home & get back in bed. Night everyone. Have a good weekend! *xoxo* -Brandi-