What I'm Listening To: "The First Cut Is The Deepest" by Sheryl Crow Aww, I'm a little sad. :( Last night Bryan brought home a tree frog & we named him Jack. We were wanting to keep him but he probably wouldn't live very long if he wasn't you know, out & about like they do. Bryan let him go just a few minutes ago. I'm not a huge fan of frogs but Jack was cute, he was little. I finally wasn't scared of him anymore & then we get rid of him. Damn. Oh well. Now I'm sure he'll live longer & be happier instead of being trapped in an old box. lol. So I wish Jack a long and happy little frog life... Well, guess who managed to make a total ass of themselves last night? Oh yeah, it was me. I just woke up & I realized how stupid I acted, I'm completely mortified. You know when you get extremely intoxicated & one of your first reactions is to call your ex & say god knows what...heh, it's like that except I was sober. I mean I'd taken 2 somas but that's not going to mess me up. lol. And I didn't call him (Allan), we were talking on here, well the computer. It was weird, we were just having a conversation & everything was fine & then I asked him if he missed me. lol. And then it went on from there. God I'm freaking out...I don't know if I can talk to him again. At least I wasn't like, "I love you and I miss you." but I said that without saying it. Fuck me... I guess I should tell what happened, why the hell not? Sorry for cussing so much but I'm so mad at myself right now. Well, like I said before we were just having a normal conversation about, I can't remember exactly what but everything was cool. It had been the longest we'd talked since before we broke up. Anyway so then all of a sudden I ask if he misses me. He said that he did but he had "let go." I mean, it's a good thing & I'm happy for him that he's moved on...kinda. Of course there's a part of me that's upset because damnit I'm not supposed to care. I broke up with him, meaning that I shouldn't have anymore feelings for him & I shouldn't be such a mess. Unfortunately, I am. I don't know what to do. You know before I questioned being in love with him because it seemed so soon & everything but I definetely know now that I am. Fuck fuck fuck. Anyway, so after he says that he's let go & all that I ask him how he did it since I'm having an extremely hard time doing so. He told me that he just focused on other things. That's just great. And then this is where Brandi starts to say stupid shit...I was like, "I don't know why I'm telling you this, I probably shouldn't but I'm having a hard time with this letting go thing. I mean yeah, I know I was the one who broke it off but I don't know." Then I said I was trying to focus on other stuff & it wasn't working. Then he said I just need to find something to do to not think about it. Oh this is funny...something I said. "because you're like, "oh well she still has feelings for me but i don't her so you know, whatever " and then here i am, i don't even know what the fuck is going on in my head...and i'm gonna feel stupid for saying anything because i wasn't going to tell you or anyone this ever and pretend it was fine and i don't know...i just want it to be ok, i want to be ok but i don't know how to get there & i've tried just about everything & it's like, the more i try the worse i make it so then i decided to try not trying...and it doesn't work & i keep kicking myself in the ass because i was happy, you were the only guy who didn't fuck me over & instead of being happy i had that, which i was but instead i push you away because of my stupid fuckin fears and i'm so tired...." So I did pretty well on rambling & plenty of run on sentences haha. My knowledge of english just kind of faded away. I guess that happens sometimes though. But yeah, how stupid do I sound? Why in the hell would anyone with a brain in their head start telling her ex all of this, especially when they know that the feelings aren't returned. I mean, I don't think I was trying to get him back...or was I? Honestly, I don't know what I was attempting to do other than look like an obsessed freak. A little more was said & I did tell him that I regretted breaking up with him. lol. That was the worst thing I could've said. He sat there a long time & finally he said something, don't remember what now. Then I was like, "Ok I really should go now...I just keep talking and you know, saying things I shouldn't be saying & I don't know why I'm saying them. I'm really sorry. I mean, I'm sure right now it looks like I'm trying to play some fucked up game but I swear I'm not. I just, I don't know..." I said "I don't know" A LOT. Then he was like, "Don't apologize. You feel the way you feel and it's not good to hold that kinda stuff in because it can really fuck with your head." And so can blurting it out to your ex. lol. Well after I said everything, thankfully he was like, "Here let's lighten the mood a little bit." And went on talking about something else. Then everything was alright, or so it seemed. I don't know, I'm still not believing what I did. That's so not like me. I have NEVER done that. Once I broke up with someone then that was it. We were done. We could be friends but I didn't continue to have feelings for them. Well, with the exception of Jon but that was a long time ago...and that was different than this. I didn't love him. Wow, this sucks even more than I thought it would. Am I supposed to feel like this? I mean, I've lost control of the entire situation. I don't know anything anymore, I'm so lost & confused. I'm terrified. I hate it. I'm talking to J.C. right now & this is what I told him: I've never told anyone this...but alright, when my parents got divorced & my dad bailed on me, it was like there was his huge hole in my heart, this part that he took with him & I've done absolutely everything I could possibly do to fill this void & yeah, I might not have known him for very long but I don't know, I felt almost complete I guess when I was with him. I don't know why but I did and I'd never felt that before. I mean it was like he filled that hole & that's all I've ever wanted & then I get it & I freak out & get rid of him...I mean I know it wouldn't have worked out anyway because of the distance & all that but still... I don't know, there was something about him. and I do miss him because like, when he was here & we were just together, hanging out & all that...I was really happy & I haven't been happy in a really really long time. It's true. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I haven't had much sleep & I'm racking my brain trying to figure everything out & I can't. I'm seriously about to go crazy. It's funny, the other night I was on my way home from getting something to eat & I drove by this church. You know how they have the signs outside that they put like church information in or random verses? This one normally just had church info, like what time service was. I was going by it & it said, "God is bigger than all of your loneliness." I was like wow...true. It was comforting to see that, kind of a reminder I guess. I know everything will be ok, I just don't know when. A lot of this I brought on myself, heh I'm getting pretty good at that. Hmm, J.C. says I should find someone here that I could fall for. I say fuck that, no more "relationships." I think I should just you know, use & abuse guys as they've done me. They're only good for sex anyhow, so get what I want out of them & go on. Haha. Anyway, I'm surrounded by a total mess so I need to go clean. Fun. THEN I'm going to study, which I haven't done in 2 days & also finish filling out my application for Sonic. Mostly, study. Study study study. Damnit I have no life. I need a boy toy. lol. Kidding. Sorta...alright I'm going. Have a good day everyone! *Brandi*