So, once again love eludes me. I am in a relationship with a boy who is the sweetest I have ever been with and all I can seem to do is screw it up. I don't love him. How could I love him? I am incapable of human love. I am a robot; cold and hard as tin. I only feel for music... and the thought of a boys hands on me makes my skin crawl. Those kisses burnt me and left scars too deep. I don't ever want to be touched again. Never. It disgusts me now. Flesh on flesh is vile and cheap. And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me. Jason came over tonight, we watched Garden State for the 36473882870039848646627847 time. That is one of the best movies I have ever seen. Zach Braff is amazing. I may have to marry him. I listened to the Spill Canvas for 2 hours straight and sobbed and sobbed. I have no idea what to do about anything in my life. I hate feeling all these emotions and not being able to say a word. I can't upset the delicate balance that is my social health. If I express what's on my mind, I am either rejected or laughed at so why bother in the first place? I want to just pick everything up and move away. Somewhere cold and alone; just like my heart. Maybe then I could learn to heal and feel again. Maybe I could learn to love. Never. I don't know if I believe in such things anymore. Was my happiness all a dream? Or maybe even a warm gun...is that all it was? I wish someone would tell me. I need some answers. I need my veins to fill with something other than lust and distrust. My sanity slowly wanes with each slip of your tongue. What will I do? Oh dear me. I fuck myself over too much. I get myself into these situations with the worst intentions. I'm looking only for my own satisfaction-I only want someone to make me feel loved; needed. Otherwise I'm just a scared little girl. A child in this pubescent shell. I need to feel loved to make me an adult. But I will never be one. Never.