0149-0216am Tuesday 3rd August, 2004

Music: T.H.C. - Need To Destroy/Peter Gabriel - Passion

Nightime is my time.

It's when i can be alone, be to myself, accompanied only by the sounds of my fingers tapping away at the keys, the delicate sound of the computer, and the melodic harmonies entering my ears through the headphones i wear like protective muffs.

Nightime is when i'm allowed to break down and cry, because i don't need to be strong for anybody at all -- i don't need to hold back, to smile, to pretend as though the mood others see is something constant and satisfying for me. It's ok to melt down, to drop and hang, to let go, to close my eyes and shut down.

However, despite all this, i still resist. Because i know, in an hour i will have to go upstairs, where i cannot be heard to cry. I will have to sleep, and then wake, when it would not be wise to remember this. I will have to hold all painful emotion inside until the next time i have the opportunity to sit alone in solitary, and be my own. When this time comes, i will seize the opportunity for the briefest of seconds... and then i will remember. I must not be this way. I cannot be my own.