I seem really in-depth and over analytical, while she [Gemma] seems completely the opposite. This means there are no opportunites for non-directional debates on the pointlessness of life... we chat about crap, sometimes the crap holds value, sometimes it's bullshit, but it inevitably ends in me disliking my self for my thought process + the words that come from my lips, and me telling myself to shut-the-fuck up.

I was a smart kid. But i didn't like the "intellectual" lifestyle, so i molded myself into an absorbed, careless standout. Unfortunately, while my mental image was changed, the rest of the stuff inside me hadn't, so now i simply restict myself wherever possible.

I have no idea how many acedemic figures have commented on my potential. I don't want to excel. I think it would be easier if i simply said, "i'm too lazy", but that's not enirely the case... although, it does have, uhm, some relevance. More so, though, i don't wanna be that fucking dork i was, or one of these quadruple grade-A students. I just had a thought: perhaps it's because i can't control my moods too well, so while in one i can work but in the other i can't, i sustain the universal mentality of one (the unworking one), making it easier to keep the appearance of a constant mood.

[edit: fuck gemma. fuck her and fuck the way she treated me.]