Because you think you can know someone and really don't

I hold on so nervously To me and my drink I wish it was cooling me But so far has not been good It’s been shitty And I feel awkward as I should This club has got to be The most pretentious thing Since I thought you and me Well I am imagining A dark lit place Or your place or my place Well I’m not paralyzed But I seem to be struck by you I wanna make you move Because you’re standing still If your body matches What your eyes can do You’ll probably move right through Me on my way to you I hold out for one more drink Before I think I’m looking too desperately But so far has not been fun I should just stay home If one thing really means one This club will hopefully Be closed in three weeks That would be cool with me Well I’m still imagining A dark lit place Or your place or my place Well I'm not paralyzed But I seem to be struck by you I wanna make you move Because you’re standing still If your body matches What your eyes can do You’ll probably move right through Me on my way to you So the song fits how i feel and well i have two boys in mind...=)

I lay here and ponder do I even know the meaning of love. even one uses it, but what does it really mean, is there a time limit in which you should wait till you know you love someone, and what exactly is that feeling? Is it the i absolutly can't live without you feeling, or is a more of a contented you know your ment to be with that person so everything is ok feeling? And do you ever find that story book romance? I thought I found it, but now I'm not so sure. Do I just know he's the one and if so how long am i willing to play pretend that maybe there is someone else out there for me?

tonight went to the movies it was really fun we just didn't stop laughing the entire time. It was deffently what we all needed=) I miss johnny just to put it out there.

so what else is there to say than life is life, it's good. I'm back at school havea class in a few hours, i'm starting to feel sick i'm sort of missing my ex. Wanting to finish my harry potter fan fic, and well pretty much just loving life and getting ready for bed! WED-pottsville-fun, saw my other mommy, my ex and his friend steven meet a guy named andy and got to read a few things about being an EMT THUR- only slept till 9:30 after going to bed at 5, talked to jay via text. It was an interesting day johnny asked me back out i said no, johnny got a job and quit the same day. FRI- we slept till about 12 then this guy dennis came over, he toldme to go get food for dinner that we made. Which was amazing, we then just hung out for most of the night played guatir hero and watched movies. Read a bit as well. SAT- slept till 1 got woken up by darwin, we chilled and were wresting and what not when joey came over we wrestled some more mommy yelled joey left, we hung out cleaned a bit me and johnny grabed a shower together. Then grammy bernie came over. Then i left for a bears ice hockey game. It was fun lots of fighting bears won 6 to 3. SUN- saw casey that was fun, learned to drive stick with her and them came to school, where i hungout with lindsey and my roomate who is still leaving me but not leavingthe school! that has been my week so far.

I thought I saw a man brought to life He was warm, he came around like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well you couldnt be that man I adored You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for But I dont know him anymore Theres nothing where he used to lie My conversation has run dry Thats whats going on, nothings fine Im torn So I guess the fortune tellers right Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light To crawl beneath my veins and now I dont care, I have no luck, I dont miss it all that much Theres just so many things that I cant touch, Im torn Im all out of faith, this is how I feel Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn Youre a little late, Im already torn. torn. Theres nothing where he used to lie My inspiration has run dry Thats whats going on, nothings right, Im torn Im all out of faith, this is how I feel Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn Im all out of faith, this is how I feel Im cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor Youre a little late, Im already torn nothing to exicting happend today! I went back to my High School saw some friends, took care of some stuff for college. Idk over all it was interesting i guess. The song sums up how i feel completly granted i'm not to broken. But deep down, i am b/c i never deal with anything. For once though i just want someone to tell me your worth it

I feel mostly contented with life though deep down i am really sad and hurt. I just found out tonight that I lost my roomate at college i hate being alone, so it's going to be a huge thing for me. I think i'm going to ask my friend lindsey to be my roomate. Idk though i guess we will see how it works out. I'm just really upset about it. Oh and also when i talked to jay about everything being over between us i then said something abotu friends with benfits. and he said he wouldn't mind that as long as it wouldn't get messy, meaing we still could talk to each other as friends. Now as much as i love the sex between the two of us i'm just not sure i can do it. b/c one if he really wants things to work out between him and meg well i don't think he should be cheating on her. And if he is cheating to me that means something is missing in their relationship that he needs to find else where and then he shouldn't be with her. and not only that if i get into a relationship i do not want to cheat on my boyfriend. Plus i'm trying to put aside things with meg, and i dont' want her to give me more of a reason to hate me. I feel i have finally rid myself of the bad karma i had about the situation i'm not trying to make more

It's over it and you really ok with it...humm weird, i hate how i know what's going to happen before it does...i knew he was going to pick her, and i knew he was going to tell me today, hense (tummy) oh well life goes on right. Live Laugh and Love, or well Learn!...smiles

What Sondra Means You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I'm not really sure why my tummy feels like it's doing flip flops i'm not really sure how i feel about it. Maybe this is the reasoning Though granted I kind of feel like a panic attack is coming on, it makes me wonder if i'm just neverous about him texting me tomrrow moring being that I have not heard from him all weekend. Idk I guess we will see but i do know that i need to get some sleep. And hopefully not feel this shitty in the moring!

So I went and spent the weekend with my brother in Carlise. I had alot of fun, it was just good to see him after about a year. And it's always the best to know that nothing has changed between me and him. Friday night we just hung out and watched someone movies and what not. We also went on a really long walk, it made me realize that i needed new shoes. Then saturday we went on another walk that was about an hour...ish i was to be a run but b/c it was too cold i couldn't take it. Then we bootleged sweeney todd and watched most of it. Then we later preformed several spells, one for money, one for love and confused hearts, and one for sleep. The sleep one worked that very night and i can feel the love one working. I mean i'm not as scared or upset granted i'm still confused but i'm not as confused. But the money one i feel i will only know in time. Granted it was me him and his twin brother. So i think the chances of all of the working are good. there was three of us, we did three spells, and repeated them three times. we got the law of threes working for us in every dirrection. And as much i wish i could sway the spell to pick me, i'm not a huge fan of the threefold law, and comes back.

I don't know where I stand anymore, I don't know if I want to stick around or if i just want to leave. He's as confused as I am, if he wants her or me. I think he's going to pick her, so I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. He told me that I will have my answer by next weekend. So I guess I will know things then.

There is so much that has happend in the past few days it's crazy. Maybe he will break up with her, he doesn't want to lose me, and he's scared to pass up the chance with me. they are only doing ok, not happy Last night was amazling fun I made out with some random dude I was really drunk well i think that about sums it up

From what I can tell they seem really happy togehter, and for some odd reason this really upsets me but it's going to have to be something that i just learn to get over. I feel bad becasue I know that i should be happy for him, perhpas not them, but at least him. Though I can't help but know how much it hurts me to watch her with him, to know that she could never love him nor care about him as much as i do. But it's not my life, he needs to make his own mistakes, he needs to be happy and becasue of that I need to let him go. Every part of my heart though still beats for him. I did the crazest thing yesterday, before I went out for some strange reason I put back on his necklace. It's only heart break, I will get over it eventually. Though part of my heart will always belong to him, and I don't ever see myself loving anyone the way I love him but that's my secreat. I feel like he's my one in five billion and for that very reason I hope that it works out. I told a friend that I think someday I might end up with him, but if they are happy who knows. Maybe i'm just jealous becasue she has everything that i have ever wanted yet doesn't appricate it.

so maybe love isn't about everything a person thinks it is. It's about something unperdictable, sometimes incovienent and never easey. But you always just know. Know that the person stairing back at you, looking deep into your eyes is the one. The one that you are to spend your life with. To love fully till death takes you away from them and then some. The one person that no matter what happends you know is always going to be there. To hold you and love you. It's more than a feeling, it's more than a word. It something that is embedded into your soul only to be awoken by the person that you are to spend your life with. It's amazing how you would never know the feeling or think you know, but really you never did untill you find that person that has awaken your heart, soul, body and mind. That makes you feels ways you could never describe. Someone who can take your breath away. Can speak directly to your heart and your soul can understand. Someone who makes your heart race, and skips beats. Someone who is your best friend along with your lover. The person that you want to share you whole life with, and only for the reasoning you want them to experence everything with you. Beacuse they mean that much. And when you look into their eyes you never have to tell them you love them, b/c you JUST KNOW

just as an update really about yesterday...is just that simply me and jay are over...he wants to work thigns out with meg...says he wants to be with me just not now that things are really good with him and her right now...that's my update for now i will write more later i'm just not in the talking mood about it...i slept for most of the day, and i guess kind of in denial about it still or at least supressing it..oh and jay still wants to be friends. ok i'm done

this moring i woke up the normal amazing confort of my phone ringing with a text messages stating the normal good morning baby that i have come so acostume to over the past few weeks. The convercation persisted like normal with me falling asleep every now and then untill around 12 or so durring his lunch break, where he called me like he normally does. It was a good convo, we laughed and it was good. Later in the day I asked him how him and meg were, he replied with fine. I then perced to ask him if he wanted to try to work things out with her or if he still wanted to be with me, he told me still wanted to be with me he was just letting me know that they haven't fought in a while. We then talked about how we think we may have finally gotten it right. He agreed that he thinks he finally gotten it right with me. And that he is coming over tommrrrow. We took a few quizes together, and then he called me on his way home like always. Later his girlfriend who i have been trying to get him to break up with for the longest, Imed me and told me and i quote "i win bitch, he gave me a ring he got over you awhile ago" Arwen Evenstarre: i win bitch Arwen Evenstarre: he gave me a ring Arwen Evenstarre: he got over you a while ago After this I freaked out on him a bit i mean i didn't yell or anything but i probaby took a really stern tone and well could have been to demanding. I guess that I just want answers as to what's really going on, that's all. When I found out I was hurt and I didn't understand. I cried for a while, talked to a few people and they made me realize a few things. So this is me saying I'm done, I admit defet. If this is what everyone wants I realize that putting myself though hell over and over again is never going to get me what i want. If Jason loves me as much as he says he does he would as Maggies put it "grow some balls and dump her because he would see how much pain he is putting me though over and over" This is the truth, so tomrrow when he come over I will play into everything and perhaps give us an hour before he is going to leave to talk about a few thigns. Tell him how I feel give him his things back and tell him that when he is ready and wants a better life to come find me. But for now i'm done becasue i can't stand the torment, and i hate being that over protective girl, i HATE calling him on everything it's not who i am it's not who i want to be. But i just don't trust meg, and i guess i don't trust him either becasue i know he still loves her so that's not saying what he would do.That's not fair to me. So it's a choice he has to make though it seems he has all ready picked his outcome. I hate to do this but i feel suprizingly more calm and alright with it than i expected myself to be. I guess it comes from always moving always leaving relationships. The one I want is never the one i will get unless i know that i will no longer run. I thought i wouldn't run in this one and i guess really i'm not running i'm just turning my back on a bad situation for me. Maybe, maybe it will damage the way i feel about jason, and if this is the case did i ever really love him the way i say i did. You know i really think i do, i would, i would leave everything here against my better judgement and run away with him. And i really really do whant him to meet my whole family, and to be apart of it. But the choice is up to him if he wants that or not. But also the other thing is the more i am realizing everything with jason the more i want Kevin. Why is it b/c kev is my security blanket, he's the one and only i honestly think he is the only person that will ever capture my heart the way he has it. Just becasue I don't trust anyone else. Why should I kevin in the only person in the whole entire world how has never made me cry. Every guy has the hardest time living up to expations that I hold him too. Yes i have loved before and i have loved after kevin. But only a few have captured my heart, and very few have been able to have me hold on the memory of them. If you count kevin 3 to be exact. Kevin, John Z, and Joey. Who knows maybe Jason would be one of them if we gave it a shot but as of right now that doesn't look possible. I took of his necklace, and I honestly feel amazlingly better. I might put it back on to go to bed and if i don't then i will it least wear it if he comes over tomrrow. If he does that. I think i can honeslty look at him as friends, oh and I deleted his numbe from my phone...granted i stored it some where but in a ton of files so it's a if i really want it number. But being just his friend maybe the hardest and easist thing in the whole world. Either way it's what I know i need to do. Part of me hopes that i get him to read this, the other part knows it would cut him deeply. And even though I'm hurt I still don't want him to feel the pain that I'm going though. I know what he's doing he's pushing me away so if i end things he won't feel guilty if he comes crawing back to me admiting that he was wrong. i feel as though i have so much more that i need to say that i can't express. Honestly I think that I over reacted to megs ring statement being everything that he has told me today. Though the question as to why he never answered me or defended him self as to the fact that he didn't do it is beyond me. And why he honestly went to bed without telling me he loved me, he never does that, on a work night. Which leads me to the conclusion that i have decided seveal pargraphs ago i'm done. on a more lighter night wes proposed to chris FINALLY! i'm so exicted for her though, i know she is really happy. And i need to call and see about the New Years eve party. Whcih i'm exicted about too. right so i think that's about it...eric was hitting on me a bit today as always but other than that. I think i just need to get out of my house. I might go somewhere tomrrow just b/c maybe that's what I need i have been in my house for about a week now if not a week and a half and i haven't gone anywhere. I hope jason comes over tomrrow, even just to tell me in person. I think if i do talk to him about it before he comes over I'm going to have it be on his lunch break. Maybe that's the best incase he cancles on me. Don't be mad about it, b/c i'm not I just want to know what's going on. Tell him that i'm sorry for freaking out the way i did. Explain to him why, tell him how i feel about everything. B/c part of me doesn't feel our relationship is what is was before christmas, something really has seemed to change and maybe it was me but something is different. Jason seems a bit more distant that normal..though maybe it's me that distant b/c i'm scared to get hurt. Idk I just know that me and him need to sit down and talk about everything. Find out the truth, the wants and hopes, and no lies! that's the way that anything is going to get solved. so on that not i feel pretty damn contented with everything that i said. and I'm out with a quote "it's not up to me any more If you want me in your life you will find a way to put me there" peace out!

How does it feel to know you're everything I need The butterflies in my stomach They could bring me to my knees How does it feel to know you're everything I want *it apperently didn't mean anything to the man that i thought it ment everything to* I've got a hard time saying this So I'll sing it in a song Oh I adore the way you carry yourself With the grace of a thousand angels overhead I love the way the galaxy starts to melt When we become one When we become one When we become one When we become one *all of it's true and just today he was talking about he thinks he has finally got it right with me, maybe that was a lie too* How does it feel How does it feel when we get locked into a stare? Please don't come looking for me When I get lost in the mess of your hair How do you feel when everything you've known Gets thrown aside Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide Oh I adore the way you carry yourself With the grace of a thousand angels overhead I love the way the galaxy starts to melt Hold on to me girl If you feel your grip getting loose Just know that I'm right next to you Hold on to me girl If you feel your grip getting loose Just know that I won't let you down Well, I'm ready Well, I'm ready I am ready To run away with you Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? To run away with me Pack your things we can leave today Pack your things we can leave today Say our goodbyes and get on the train Say goodbye Just you and I in the sweet unknown We can just call each other our home If I had to choose a way to die It'd be with you In a goosebump infested embrace With my overanxious hands cupping your face In a goosebump infested embrace With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face How does it feel? i thought everything was perfect between us and that everything was fine, according to the horrible bitch meg that's not the truth. Apperently he gave her a diamond ring for christmas and now well i really don't know what to think anymore.

So it's christmas and i want everything! anyways lryics from a simple plan song...smiles Anyways it's right before i'm to head over to my grandmothers for christmas like i always do. Idk just feels different, i guess i will see how things go but so far i got a knife and a decent amount of money. Yah go me. Well i'm going to get going so that i can head out. Love me

Well I was able to talk to my love today, and well everything is good. He says that he's still going to break up with her, or so he says. I quote " they only way he would stay with her is if she ended up carring his child which he doesn't see happening" I think everything will work out just the way he says, and i'm so happy about that, i'm acally really contened with everything b/c i love him dearly. So i think everything will be all right. I will update more about that when i know. but i will probaby write more tonight...i just know i had to update but i don't really know exactaly what to say so.