SO i sit here in the early moring watching the sun rise though my living room window. I have been plaged with the worst case of restlessness that i have felt in a long time. And so close to christmas not that's it's even close to my favorite hoilday, but sill a hoilday non the less. I have read for several hours and that in isn't self has not let me find the rest that i so deeply desire. I guess in the past several days with the past several events my mind has be thrown into over drive, with everything that I need to do and the things i can only wish to happen, So that my heart does not get broken. So that i will not feel as though i'm suffering the worst case of heartache that anyone has ever seen. *to die of a broken heart* I almost wish the sun rise was a sun set, both beautiful in their own way, though one is the ending of something the other the begining. I haven't watched the sun rise in a long time. Ok so occioncally i'm up early enough I guess but never long enough. I'm normally falling asleep at 6 and waking up at 9 just missing the sun rise. I yawn and my eyes feel heavy yet my body refuses to let me sleep. Could it be the over mounting thougts of what if's and how comes, and wondering what's going on. If perhaps just perhas they have talked about working things out? Or maybe he decided that it's not me he wants and that it's her, the girl that has betrayed him so many times that has hurt him over and over when i have done nothing but been there for him. The one man i never felt so sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, than man that i could see me having his children. The man who clamis that he wants to marry me and can see him spending the rest of his life with me, and that he would extreamly happy with it. The one that things just feel "different" with. What if it's willing to give that all up? It scares me more than anyone could realize or possibably understand. I know everything works out for a reason, and if this doesn't work out what's the reasoning? A lesson of some sort,idk what kind other than to never fall in love, that there is no such thing. And it's that very thought and the idea of a broke heart that I assume pleges me the night before christmas, now christmas eve. And as far as this other girl is concerned perhaps i'm more scared by her words and empty theaths than what he says, he has never broken a promise to me, and he promised that should be enough for me. I should just hold on that that. He promised, he doesn't break promises. So I leave you with our song, the song that both of us have decided is ours, and no one can take that away from us. "So Much" How does it feel to know you're everything I need The butterflies in my stomach They could bring me to my knees How does it feel to know you're everything I want I've got a hard time saying this So I'll sing it in a song Oh I adore the way you carry yourself With the grace of a thousand angels overhead I love the way the galaxy starts to melt When we become one When we become one When we become one When we become one How does it feel How does it feel when we get locked into a stare? Please don't come looking for me When I get lost in the mess of your hair How do you feel when everything you've known Gets thrown aside Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide Oh I adore the way you carry yourself With the grace of a thousand angels overhead I love the way the galaxy starts to melt Hold on to me girl If you feel your grip getting loose Just know that I'm right next to you Hold on to me girl If you feel your grip getting loose Just know that I won't let you down Well, I'm ready Well, I'm ready I am ready To run away with you Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? To run away with me Pack your things we can leave today Pack your things we can leave today Say our goodbyes and get on the train Say goodbye Just you and I in the sweet unknown We can just call each other our home If I had to choose a way to die It'd be with you In a goosebump infested embrace With my overanxious hands cupping your face In a goosebump infested embrace With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face How does it feel?