this moring i woke up the normal amazing confort of my phone ringing with a text messages stating the normal good morning baby that i have come so acostume to over the past few weeks. The convercation persisted like normal with me falling asleep every now and then untill around 12 or so durring his lunch break, where he called me like he normally does. It was a good convo, we laughed and it was good. Later in the day I asked him how him and meg were, he replied with fine. I then perced to ask him if he wanted to try to work things out with her or if he still wanted to be with me, he told me still wanted to be with me he was just letting me know that they haven't fought in a while. We then talked about how we think we may have finally gotten it right. He agreed that he thinks he finally gotten it right with me. And that he is coming over tommrrrow. We took a few quizes together, and then he called me on his way home like always. Later his girlfriend who i have been trying to get him to break up with for the longest, Imed me and told me and i quote "i win bitch, he gave me a ring he got over you awhile ago" Arwen Evenstarre: i win bitch Arwen Evenstarre: he gave me a ring Arwen Evenstarre: he got over you a while ago After this I freaked out on him a bit i mean i didn't yell or anything but i probaby took a really stern tone and well could have been to demanding. I guess that I just want answers as to what's really going on, that's all. When I found out I was hurt and I didn't understand. I cried for a while, talked to a few people and they made me realize a few things. So this is me saying I'm done, I admit defet. If this is what everyone wants I realize that putting myself though hell over and over again is never going to get me what i want. If Jason loves me as much as he says he does he would as Maggies put it "grow some balls and dump her because he would see how much pain he is putting me though over and over" This is the truth, so tomrrow when he come over I will play into everything and perhaps give us an hour before he is going to leave to talk about a few thigns. Tell him how I feel give him his things back and tell him that when he is ready and wants a better life to come find me. But for now i'm done becasue i can't stand the torment, and i hate being that over protective girl, i HATE calling him on everything it's not who i am it's not who i want to be. But i just don't trust meg, and i guess i don't trust him either becasue i know he still loves her so that's not saying what he would do.That's not fair to me. So it's a choice he has to make though it seems he has all ready picked his outcome. I hate to do this but i feel suprizingly more calm and alright with it than i expected myself to be. I guess it comes from always moving always leaving relationships. The one I want is never the one i will get unless i know that i will no longer run. I thought i wouldn't run in this one and i guess really i'm not running i'm just turning my back on a bad situation for me. Maybe, maybe it will damage the way i feel about jason, and if this is the case did i ever really love him the way i say i did. You know i really think i do, i would, i would leave everything here against my better judgement and run away with him. And i really really do whant him to meet my whole family, and to be apart of it. But the choice is up to him if he wants that or not. But also the other thing is the more i am realizing everything with jason the more i want Kevin. Why is it b/c kev is my security blanket, he's the one and only i honestly think he is the only person that will ever capture my heart the way he has it. Just becasue I don't trust anyone else. Why should I kevin in the only person in the whole entire world how has never made me cry. Every guy has the hardest time living up to expations that I hold him too. Yes i have loved before and i have loved after kevin. But only a few have captured my heart, and very few have been able to have me hold on the memory of them. If you count kevin 3 to be exact. Kevin, John Z, and Joey. Who knows maybe Jason would be one of them if we gave it a shot but as of right now that doesn't look possible. I took of his necklace, and I honestly feel amazlingly better. I might put it back on to go to bed and if i don't then i will it least wear it if he comes over tomrrow. If he does that. I think i can honeslty look at him as friends, oh and I deleted his numbe from my phone...granted i stored it some where but in a ton of files so it's a if i really want it number. But being just his friend maybe the hardest and easist thing in the whole world. Either way it's what I know i need to do. Part of me hopes that i get him to read this, the other part knows it would cut him deeply. And even though I'm hurt I still don't want him to feel the pain that I'm going though. I know what he's doing he's pushing me away so if i end things he won't feel guilty if he comes crawing back to me admiting that he was wrong. i feel as though i have so much more that i need to say that i can't express. Honestly I think that I over reacted to megs ring statement being everything that he has told me today. Though the question as to why he never answered me or defended him self as to the fact that he didn't do it is beyond me. And why he honestly went to bed without telling me he loved me, he never does that, on a work night. Which leads me to the conclusion that i have decided seveal pargraphs ago i'm done. on a more lighter night wes proposed to chris FINALLY! i'm so exicted for her though, i know she is really happy. And i need to call and see about the New Years eve party. Whcih i'm exicted about too. right so i think that's about it...eric was hitting on me a bit today as always but other than that. I think i just need to get out of my house. I might go somewhere tomrrow just b/c maybe that's what I need i have been in my house for about a week now if not a week and a half and i haven't gone anywhere. I hope jason comes over tomrrow, even just to tell me in person. I think if i do talk to him about it before he comes over I'm going to have it be on his lunch break. Maybe that's the best incase he cancles on me. Don't be mad about it, b/c i'm not I just want to know what's going on. Tell him that i'm sorry for freaking out the way i did. Explain to him why, tell him how i feel about everything. B/c part of me doesn't feel our relationship is what is was before christmas, something really has seemed to change and maybe it was me but something is different. Jason seems a bit more distant that normal..though maybe it's me that distant b/c i'm scared to get hurt. Idk I just know that me and him need to sit down and talk about everything. Find out the truth, the wants and hopes, and no lies! that's the way that anything is going to get solved. so on that not i feel pretty damn contented with everything that i said. and I'm out with a quote "it's not up to me any more If you want me in your life you will find a way to put me there" peace out!