Um... so I've hit this spot... this spot of utter despair. I don't know why, but everything always seems to come at once. Everything bad that is. My grandmother's in the hospitol dying. She's contagious so they can't move her. But they can't help her where she is. She has to go to a different hospitol. But they can't move her till she's not contagious. And she won't be uncontagious ever where she is. She has to be moved to become uncontagious. But they can't move her till she's not contagious. Yeah. Came in last a league. Failing (well not but it's like a B- which is failing for me) French. Feel like killing my friends constantly because they're always complaining about the stupidst things. There might be something seriously wrong with me. Hell I'm fainting for no damn reason. I'm having MRI and blood tests done and none of them have even asked for the results. And i'm scared. So scared that sometimes it's all i can do to not fall to my knees weeping like some terrible B-grade actor. And i hurt constantly. Every time i move my head it feels like i'm falling to nothing. Which I might as well be doing... seeing as how no one notices. And they all said that it was such a big deal when i wasn't tell them things. But then when I did they just made me feel worse with the casual comments of "Oh, I know EXACTLY how you feel! I mean Tyler won't even speak to me!" Tell me, please, if you understand how that is EXACTLY like being hit? Being told by your parents that you are the worse human they've ever met? Having the words "I hate you" thrown at you every day? Because i would fully love to understand. And now I've become that person... the person I was trying so hard not be anymore. That lies to everyone close to her. That says nothing of what troubles her. And the emotion is gone again. Not, again, that they've noticed. And the greatest is i truly do finally have a normal teenage problem. I really like God. I respect him. But he is totally and utterly in love with BG who is a complete Bitch as her name gives off. God and I get along well. Hell he gave me a tribute speech. But... that's all I am. A person to respect and talk to in the smelly room of public speaking. And maybe I just want to feel like a teenager for once. One of my friends and I were talking the other day about being kids. And I told her that I honestly felt like I had never been a child. I had to grow up. I was more of a grown up that most of the 20 year-olds i know now when i was only four. So maybe i just want to know what this whole being young thing is about. Or maybe I just don't want to have to deal with real life problems for once. I don't want to worry if to night I'll be beaten up. I don't want to sit up late at night wonder if my father's got himself killed in a car accident or weither he got someone else because he was drinking and driving again. Or maybe i don't want to know that my father could be going to jail. Or maybe i don't want to have to sit in the rain five miles from home waiting over and hour and half for someone to come pick me up. Or maybe i just don't want to remember the fact that EVERY SINGLE DAY my mother let my bro drive to school when he got his permit, tho i have get to be in the car with her as i go into my second month. Or maybe I don't want my heart to skip a beat everytime the phone rings thinking it's them calling to tell us my grandmother's dead. Or maybe i'm tired of beind told that everything i do is wrong, even tho i know i'm right at least some of the time. Or maybe i don't want to have to always smile so that everyone else can feel good about themselves while I slowly begin to feel like I'm dying inside. Or maybe I'm just tired. Tired of the fact that everytime something little goes great everything else goes to shit. Tired of doing pointless work, work I already can do. Tired of always being strong. Tired of being alone. I used to always have this one person I could tell EVERYthing to. And people don't realise how amazing that is. It truly and utterly is. For a little bit the feeling of death subsides and you can stand strong without any effort. Since Pete died I haven't had a person I can tell half of life to, let alone everything. So maybe i want a person like that again. Or maybe... maybe I just want to be held. And given the lie that everything will be ok. Maybe