Mwahaha! He's gone! *laughs evily* You know it's bad when only after three days I'm happy the brother is across the country... but you try sharing a hotel room with him. *growls some* Such a jackass. I will be happy if I never share a room. Well... no I guess I don't really mean that. But come on! The TV should NOT be on at 7 in the morning!!! Any who... family trips always remind me that I so don't fit into my family. And now with the... thing... happening at school I don't fit in with the friends either. Not that I ever really did, but now more so than ever. And ew. My mother read my mail the other day. Like she doesn't invade my privacy enough? *clutches cell phone* The day she starts listening to my phone messages is the day I'm walking out of this house. And not coming back. I wonder if I can lock my bedroom door from the outside... and she's so inept she wouldn't be able to figure out how to unlock it... On the side of me doing stuff wrong... or being a bad person... it became clear to me just how freaking cynical and mistrustful I am. I mean I knew I was, just not this badly. So there's this person who hasn't done ANYTHING for me to mistrust them about and yet all I do is silently question the motives of said person. It probably didn't do much to help that one of my friends slightly agreed with my logic, but said friend didn't take the leap I did. He just said the person was sweet. Which I guess might be part of the problem. I expect people to have mistrust full sides. There's flaws in EVERYONE. little ones and every person has one MAJOR flaw. And I've found this person's little ones... but they're so small they hardly matter. I keep expecting the major flaw to show it's head and it hasn't... so it puts me on edge. Makes me question what the person's hiding that their flaw hasn't put out it's ugly head, even for a second. I use to think I was getting better at the whole trusting people thing, having faith in them and all. But what I realized when my friend noticed the same things as me about this person and didn't reach a conclusion even resembling mine that I haven't. I give "trust" to people as a way for them to prove me correct... that I shouldn't trust them. The thing is I do have faith in people. I have faith that even the cruelest of people has an nice little streak in them, but life has beaten in down. But I don't have faith that at the end of the day they won't hurt everyone in their way of survival. I don't believe that if it suits there need they'll betray everything and everyone to get what they need. And I don't want to be like that... so mistrustful that I'd be willing to ruin friendships and destory dreams for the future in a simple quest to find the truth. Because that's what it comes down to. It's not that I don't trust people to keep secrets or anything tame like that. It's that I don't trust people. I think people rarely tell the straight out truth. I don't think people just say things to say them; I think they have hidden motives. The sad truth though? Most minds can't even think that far ahead to pick their words to create a certain reaction in those listening. They don't think about the thoughts that could float in other's brains. Most people just are self-centered in their thoughts. They want to say something so they say it. They want to do something so they do it. There brains just don't work well enough to have hidden motives. Anyway... before I log off an go back to my homework, I'd like to apologize for being such a crappy friend that I'd think these thoughts. Maybe the people involved don't know I'm talking about them. Or maybe they'll figure it out if they watch and listen to me too carefully. Or maybe nothing will ever come of it. But I'd like to apologize anyway. Which seems to be a theme on this blog of late. But that's part of growing, ain't it? Figuring out your own flaws and deciding to change them. And that's why no matter how old you are, you can grow. Because you can change. Loves, Laters, and all that Jazz! Happy Labor Day!