Wow, I was looking at all these past entries and laughing...They are all from about two years ago, and I can't even believe I wrote them they are so ridiculous. I just remembered this website existed, ha. It is a good thing I found this though beacause I couldn't find any paper yet I need to rant. Not to anyone really just that gotta get something out feeling. Nothing seems to be really right with me lately. I'm just living this life I'm not sure I even want to be living. God. I graduated early, and now I'm lost. I miss my friends, ones I used to have before I basically abandoned then completely. I ruined those relationships by being an idiot. I miss my friend Maddison the most...our friendship meant the world to me. I hate that I always fuck good friendships up. Matt,Jade,Lauran,Lauren,Rizzo,Lacy, Vic, Madd,my god I can't keep them aroud long. Now I have my girlfriend Rosanna who I am completely in love with and have been through everything, and Jonathan...and once again I find myself drifting in the friendship. I love Rosanna, but the friendship with her and jonathan is different. Ha, you know what makes it the worst I just got a tattoo with the two of them. Well, whatever because I'm making this work, I can't lose out on great people again. I just wish I could've had them and Maddison, but you can win them all. Thats okay Madd seems to be doing really well, and I'm so happy for her. I love that she knows what she wants to do. I wish I did...maybe if I lost the feeling of uselessness and had a feeling of a future I'd be happier. I just have no idea. I know I want to move and with Rosanna and Jonathan thats to Portland so they can get to reaching their goals, but what will I do there? I don't know but it is away from Oklahoma and away from Texas. I miss Norman if anyone happens to read this from my past. I probably miss you, I miss the simpleness, and the knowing. Thats okay though, at this point I need a risk. I've fucked most things up, I might as well just go for it...whatever it is. Hopefully when I'm donr I'll have my best friends with me. Maddison if you ever come back to sitdiary and read this...I miss you, and know I want the best for you. You should know I am sorry for abandoning our friendship. I don't know if you were angry, but I guess you were the one that always knew high school would split people...and I was always the one saying we'd stick together...of course I fucked up. Right now, I'm just depressed and feel alone. I need someone to be close to. I need to be able to speak to people instead of just typing my feelings away. This is all causing me to go crazy. I need. I want. Do I deserve?