This entire week has been a smudge. I hardly remember what happened last Wednesday, and I admit, that kind of scares me. I've had a rough week. Absolutely nothing seems to be the norm from when I left for Seattle, let alone when I came back. Sure, I'm unrealistic to expect my life to remain constant; though recently that molehill of changes has been a landslide, and swept me up in its path. First, my 83 year old grandfather passed away on Friday night at 11:30 pm following a gripping decision, weighing the advantages to disadvantages of keeping him on life support against his written wishes. Ultimately, there was no other choice but to acknowledge his dying rites, and for twelve hours, he held on. I visited him five hours before his final breath, and kneeled beside his bed. He didn't respond. I said I loved him, anyway. The nurse told us though he had appeared to have lost consciousness, frequently trauma patients retain their hearing. I wanted him to hear my voice one last time. I had to go home at six o'clock because mom and dad were spending the night there; before taking 1-20 toward Huger, I tanked up the ole Stang at BP on Bull Street and gripped the pump so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I was so angry. I was helpless.. there was nothing left to do but sit around, waiting hoping praying. When I came home, Nana and Grandpa, brave souls, had been watching SpongeBob reruns with EA. They stuck around until after dinner- which was catered by close family friends. Amazing food! Simply fit for kings: croissants, shrimp salada, sandwich meats seasoned with cajun jerk. Needless to say, I have a thin film of fat surrounding my core in addition to what was there before. Eeeek. Friday night dragged on slowly. I sat downstairs in Dad's leather chair, watching reruns of Three's Company and channel surfing between Bravo and Comedy Central. Honestly, I felt sixth sense telling me, like Madame Clavel, something was not right. I did this until 11:30, when I finally stomped up to bed, settling on my dad's side of my parent's empty bed. I remember setting the alarm for 6:00, flipping the bedside lamp switch and... suddenly being awakened by my mom who said "He's gone." And I didn't cry. I had drained so many emotions seeing him for the first time, connected to machinery. I had a solid premonition he was already dead. What is a person without a personality? If he had lived, he would never have accepted limited mobility. No retired FBI agent and former security detail for the ETS Service could possibly- never. Saturday at noon, my aunt and uncle met us at Zorba's for lunch, to discuss arranging flights for my cousins, instead of them taking a risk with icy roads. Later on, EA and I went to the library and checked out Harry Potter for her and National Geographic, Love In the Time of Cholera for me. It all smelled so organic, a welcome opposite. The smell of sterile sanitary hospitals brings back bad memories-my concussion incident, forefinger gash and stitches, waiting for mom after our car accident in Key West. No thanks. I snuck in an itty bitty workout before heading home. Big John and Peggy brought breakfast food by the house and shared dessert and a cup of coffee in the den. I showed them pictures from Seattle and listened to Big John tell a story about seeing a turkey for the first time as a little boy. He was at a family picnic, carrying a huge watermelon to the table and saw this funny looking bird. So he drops the melon.. splat.. and goes running to his mom saying "Momma, momma! There's a lizard bird out there!" I first saw a turkey on a table, Thanksgiving '88. Sunday Dad left early to church and reserved a pew for our entire family, plus half a row behind us. We ate lunch at California Dreaming as a family. After convincing the hostess that the twelth member of our party was "in the bathroom", we sat down, when suddnely Dad's phone rings. Mom had driven accross town to Uno's and reserved a private party room. And cell phones are the trophy of modern civlization?! Owen Meany group meeting at 4 with Cameron, Christin, and Courtney. I was so impressed. Usually I take the reins, delegating responsibility, and typical, doing more than my share to get the job done. I did only what I was assigned and everybody else followed through! Cameron and I drove to Books a Million for coffee and talked for two hours about future plans, state of our English V class, friends, love interests, and things that close friends talk about. She's matured so much from August, or maybe I'm gullable and making assumptions on premature notions.Herm.. think positive! Monday was blowing in the wind. I couldn't get ahead on school work because Tuesday I would be out of school again, and I didn't feel like going to school but had to be there anyway. Basically, I was physically there. Inside, I was being eaten alive by grief. My friends padded me with support- I love you Nikki, Caroline J (and her amazing dancing jigs), Gray and Alex, Rachael, and oh so distant Lukas. He lost his father to cancer when he was only eight and knows firsthand what grief means when you lose somebody close. For only .01 cents a minute, we cachinged a good 2.00 worth of time. Tuesday, the day after the last day of January. January was cruel to my grandfather. February made up for the loss. No day more beuatiful, more befitting, more betokened for a funeral service. I was moved by our family's tributes to a man Uncle Chris said was "A straight arrow", Jeff said was "a shining example of the innate goodness in man" and I said was "our family patriarch" and Big John said "was part of that great generation that embodied the ideals of heroism, patriotism, and grace" and EA said "shared his markers with her when she wanted to color." He's with his lovely wife, the college drama student he met in a blossom shop in Terre Haut, Indiana and no longer a lonely man in a big, empty house. But, I'm going to miss those long drives to Chapin that color my summer memories, Sunday lunches, and debating it out with Dad as Papa sat in between, nodding his head silently, secretly knowing as well as we did, he was the wisest one at the table.