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Moving to Oklahoma around the 29th. Mom's getting us a bassinett, a carseat with an interlocking stroller part or something..., clothes for baby & me, a breat pump... Donnies mom has got us a crib and a portable crib, bibs, baby clothes... My grandma's been buying a whole bunch of toys and whatnots. Between our families we will be completely set for little Elijah. Don't know how often I can get online... 29th I'm moving so after a few days we will arrive at our destination. Maybe then I can get online but I wont be getting on much, I dont want to seem like an internet hog to Donnies mom.

I sit back and listen to the beat hit, listen to these rappers sing about girls and heartache and missing her, how they shouldnt have let her go... how they should have taken better care of her, how they'll forever love her. I sit back and let these lyrics wrap around my brain until I am immobilized by my own sorrow. Where am I going in life? I had it all and it was snatched away so quick, so rough. I'm worse off than I was before I even moved out. Sure I have freedom but I wish I was the one who didn't have to make the decisions. I wish I could just change my mind about so many things in life. I wish I could get out of here. A part of me wants to run away and never ever look back. I really wish I could turn back the hands of time and do everything in my life over again. I've fucked up Johns whole life and I still feel bad about that. Now he has nothing. He had everything too, he had a nice home, a decent family, good friends, and me. Now when his whole world crashed down around him I did too and I left. I still haven't forgiven myself for that but what can I do? Go back? I can't and I wont. That wouldnt be fair to any of us. To me, him, or Donnie. I just feel completely out of control of my life right now. Like now absolutely nothing is in my hands anymore. Like I'm just going through the motions of someone else's life. How many regrets do I have in my life? How many countless mistakes? How many times do I feel so fucking alone?

Well today I tried going to the social security office to get a new SSC. Didnt work. they made me go to the DMV to get my id first. When I was told by Vital Statistics that I needed to get my SSC and THEN my ID. This government is run by morons, I swear. But never the less, I got my ID. And I reinstated my permit [which was suspended 3 or so years ago for school attendance]... Just to do that... It cost a whopping $70! Now all I have left is to get my SSC and then apply for medicaid so I can go see a doctor about the baby. I just hope that I'm approved for medicaid before Donnie and I move out of state. I'm already 11 weeks pregnant and still haven't been able to see a doctor- I simply cannot afford it. I also need to apply for unemployment, which I want to do that the same time I apply for medicaid, and hell, I might as well apply for food stamps too. Fuck it. I'm so tired of nothing going right! All day long it's just been a bunch of bullshit. Dropped my entire soda on the floor! There goes 2.50... and the only thing there was to drink in the house. Guess I'm already back to tap water. There's nothing good on the radio now, EVER. I'm sick of listening to the same stupid 5 songs over and OVER AND OVER. Play some older shit if you really can't figure out what to play. A boy I live with two years younger than I... God I swear he is the laziest mother fucker I know. I love him to death but DAMN KID. His mom brought over the lawn mower today so we could mow the yard cause we got a city notice on the door... I told him I would mow the yard just as long as he picked up the sticks... cause I already knew for a fact this kid wouldnt mow the yard. He would seriously just sit on his ass and let his dad get fined!! OK I ask him to do this one little thing for me and he gets an attitude saying "ill do it when I feel like it, maybe today maybe tomorrow. If you want it dont then I guess you better do it yourself" ...... which means he wouldnt ever get around to doing it, i know it. He doesnt go to school, he just got a letter in the mail of notice of intent to suspend his lisence. he barely helps. he doesnt have a job... c'mon man. get your shit together. and you say youre mature? ha. I dont see it. Now a stupid moth is flying all around me. My boyfriend's been sleeping since he got home from work. So pretty much, havent seen him. but he had a big night last night. OH SICK I just realized I can go to the clubs again now that i got my id! YAY! haha ok that brightened my day. I want some chicken wings...

It's 5:20am and I haven't been to sleep yet. At least I have my whole own private diary... Well kind of private, at least my family/homefriends/exes/anyone else who will give two shits,,, cant see it. It's nice to have some kind of privacy. Where I can just go and write down all of my memories, and experiences, and troubles. -sigh of relief- Alright, so where to begin. In January, I finally got tired of John's bullshit. The lies, the cheating, the whole "my friends are way cooler and more important than yours and I hate all of your friends for no reason other than the fact that they have a penis" ... He put his friends on a pedastal that he thought was so much higher than my friends. He was never ever home [we finally got an apartment August 16th, 2009] and was always going to his friends houses straight after he got off of work instead of coming home, or came home only to change and leave again... Then not come home until about 3am... Yeah, it was horrible. So Anyways, we broke up January 22nd. I moved in with my friend Anthony, who I've known for about 5 years now. He's 2 years younger than I, just a friend. I began to date his cousin Donnie. Donnie is 32. But I've known him for about 3 years and we had become really close friends over the last year or two. So it's not like he's just some old guy haha, he was already like family to me. Alright so living in this house were: me, Anthony, his sister Desiree, her boyfriend Justin, Anthony's brother Matt [pretty much he slept over every night and never left], Matt's girlfriend Yasmeen [who I hated for cheating on me with John years ago but that's in the past and I had to deal with it.], Anthony's dad Ronnie [who is now away on a job related trip to Boston], Donnie, and the "guy on the couch", aka "ODB [which stands for old dirty bastard] aka Ronnie's work buddy, Jim, who was pretty much homeless. So things are pretty packed here. No privacy, shit's always going missing, theres always somebody here... Actually I believe in the last 4.5mo that I've lived here there has only been one day where I was the only person here. So I loved work. I became good at what I did. I was a housekeeper at a hotel called the Sun Viking Lodge, and I was damn good. My supervisor made me the trainer... Surpassing all other eight girls [and some of them had been working there between 1 and 22 years].... At only 9 months into my work experience. I loved it. I got to bring home things that people left in the hotel rooms, like boogey boards for the beach, and jeans they forgot, and shoes, and a lot of the people would leave food in the fridge or alcohol because they couldn't take it on their airplane flights back home. So I always got cool shit... And brought home cleaning products and dish towels and cool shit. Well the idea that Donnie was so old kinda did get to me, and after being in a relationship for somebody for 5 years, and then nothing kinda really freaked me out. So for two days, on February 21st, I moved back in with John. Then, I realized that I didn't really love him anymore and to stay there would truly just tear me apart on the inside, so I moved back in to Anthony's. Here, I pay $60 a week. Not so bad. Donnie and I got back together... He's the nicest person I've ever been with, and I already know a lot of his family, which is a lot nicer and more accepting than my own. Now, when John and I first broke up, I took a pregnancy test just to be sure I wasn't pregnant. I wasn't, everything was ok. And the two days I went with him I was on my period so I refused to have sex with him. So there was no possible way for me to be pregnant. When I missed my period for a month and a half... Here's where life really gets interesting. I took two tests, and they both came back positive. Now everyone in the house... Or rather, everyone and anyone that knows Donnie agrees that he's going to be a great father. I believe it. But I'm not sure if I'm ready. I'm only 19... The plan was to have a child when I'm 24 and have already graduated college and got a real job with money. I mean, I know I'm going to be a great mother, no doubt about that, from the experience of taking care of my baby brother [who's now 3 1/2]. I just feel like I got jyped out of life. I was always grounded before I moved out, then when I moved in with John, my life still thoroughly sucked and I still couldn't do what I wanted... And living at Anthony's became short-lived. I love the idea of having a baby, especially with Donnie because I don't believe that there could be a better father for the baby... But I hate the fact that you have to be pregnant in order to have a baby haha. I hate the nausea. I hate not being able to smoke, or drink, or participate in illegal activities, or the fact that I had to fucking quit my beloved job so soon, or the fact that I can't go tanning or to the salon, and the worry of my fresh tattoos on my hips getting stretched. [I got a pair of sparrows, under my right one it says FAITH and under the other it says HOPE. I drew the sparrows myself and they have really awesome light blue- to lime green shading... They came out great.] I got those February 22nd. Apparently a few days after I got pregnant. [I really hope that the ink didn't affect the baby cause it was just days old.] Now I sit at the computer desk typing this damn story of my recent life. Wishing my stomache would stop hurting. Wishing I weren't sober. Ok, where was I... Yes, while everybody I live with is getting fucked up, I'm the only one that can't do drugs or drink or basically participate in the all day, every day activities. It fucking sucks.. Donnie and I have decided to move out in about a month, to move to Oklahoma, where his entire family lives... Other than the people that live in this house... It's best for the baby. I would much rather the baby be in Oklahoma than be here, where I can't even tell my father I'm pregnant, and can't let the one I used to love know that I'm pregnant. Oh yeah, a few days before I quit my job, John's crazy mother called me on my work phone... Told the office attendants that she was my stepmother and that she had to speak to me... I get ony the phone and she says "Jessie, don't hang up on me. I need to talk to you. One of John's friends told me that you are pregnant. I need to know if it's true, and that my son has a baby, and I might have a grandchild. I'm going to have to take legal action and get paternity tests done to see if the baby really is John's." ............. Whoa, bitch, you done crossed the line. I wish I would've just hung up on her, but I stayed on the phone to continue to tell her that the baby isn't John's, and that she has no authority to do shit. That woman is a psycho!!! My parents still don't know I'm pregnant, or that I quit my job. My mother knows I'm moving to Oklahoma, but not my father... Yet... I don't even want to tell them until after I'm already in OK and probably about to burst. Well I think I'm going to go ahead and call it a night... "Morning." I'm still not tired but my fingers hurt.

wow its been a long time since i been on sitd. MATTI- ill email you within a few days, sorry it took half a year to see my sitd lol. THOMAS- hey. lol same goes for you. EVERYONE ELSE- keep lookin for updates

MAYBE ........ Maybe. . we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. Maybe . . . when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us. Maybe . . . it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives. Maybe . . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Maybe . . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches. Maybe . . . you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do. Maybe . . . there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more. Maybe . . . the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. Maybe . . you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.. Maybe . .. you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone. Maybe . giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours. Maybe . . . happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives. Maybe . . . you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile. Maybe . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy Maybe . . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying. Maybe . . . you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship. And if you don't, don't worry; nothing bad will happen to you. You will just miss out on the opportunity to perhaps brighten someone's day.

There's a fairly new buffet right down the road from me where I put in an application at the beginning of the year. They finally called me today. I have to go in for an interview tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get this job because I need to start saving up money to move out. John still says I might be able to move in with him but I don't know if I want to take that route. I kinda want to get my own place and not live with him for a while. I know how he lives and I don't like it. His room's always messy and if I touch anything he gets mad. I don't want to feel like I can't go anywhere and if I live with him I'll have to deal with yet another person of parental important that has mental issues. not saying his mom's a bad person, she's nice and everything, but I don't know if I can handle it because of Donna. I want to live somewhere normal. I'm almost done with my online schooling; I've only got 4 more assignments to do and I'll be done. Until then, I'm grounded. I turn 18 in 4 days. I can't believe I'm still getting grounded haha. Donna thinks that because her life sucks, she can take it out on me. That's not true, it's not fair. I'm just trying to get my life at some kind of normal point. I don't want to not have a real job at 18. i don't want to not be able to graduate. I've been busting my ass trying to make everything better from what it once was, and things are going great for now. Donna's realizing too, and she decided she wants to take out her problems on me. She pretty much just wants to drag me down, and I wont let her. I love her to death, she raised me great, but I'm not some emotional punching bag. "The old me's dead and gone away".

I turn 18 in 11 days. I feel everything should be ok after that; I should be happy I'm an adult, legally. My dad should be nicer, my stepmom should be more of a friend instead of a babysitter. My life should be different. But It won't be. I know things don't change like that. I'm still going to get in trouble for petty stuff, I'm still going to have to focus on schoolwork until I graduate. I'm still going to have to obey. If nothing more, I will have to uphold the responsibilities of being an adult as well as being a teen. I need to graduate, I still have to sign up for scholarships and grants, on my own time. I have to figure out my near future, while still keeping a relationship and gaining more abilities as an 18 year old. No more child play. No more irresponsibility. No more sleeping in. No more back talk. No more being bad. I have to show I'm going to be a good adult. I have to start on a completely new slate. So I'm going to be deleting anything reminding me of my previous years. Starting with the oldest entries on sitd.