My computer's been playing up of late, not been able to get on here and update. But that suits me fine, cause not much has been happening. She's not pregnant, i'm very fucking happy about it too. We split though, for good i think. Long breakup history, it's never stuck well. Might this time.
Someone new on the horizon anyway. It's been a long-running thing between me and this new girl. Nothing serious, but there's something between us. A buzz, an energy, that i dont feel very often. =)
I think she's pregnant... Shit... She's saying she isn't, but hasn't taken a test... The symptoms match, i think, but she says she gets like that every year around this time...
Fuck... I aint ready to be a daddy just yet.
I have this hollowness inside me... It's getting bigger, and more painful, every day... Nothing's filling it, and every time i talk to someone, it just gets worse... People keep telling me they are 'there for me' but if that's true, why do i feel so alone all the time?
I feel it running through my veins like poison... It keeps me going as i slowly decay. I hear it calling to me, willing my to release it again... I find myself craving the pain that comes only when it's running over my flesh... I feel the pulsing beat keeping it all working, and i feel the origin ache as it slowly struggles and fails... I sense the world around me fade as it drips from my fingers once more...
This world has no love for the individuals...
So... Recently, my emotions have been going crazy. Basically:
I kinda like this girl... She's local, but we've not met. And she feels 'indifferent' towards me because we haven't met... She's related to one of my ex-girlfriends, which only adds to the complications.
I kinda like another girl, too. Feelings are stronger, and are mutual... But she's further away. And the distance thing is... problematic, to say the least.
I've been alone a lot. And feeling very lonely... My family's busy a lot at the moment so i'm alone in the house. I lock myself in my room, because it's familiar... It feels like nobody at college understands me anymore -- the old group have all moved on.
I don't feel safe. I've been seeing things again recently... Shadowy shapes, shit that isn't really there... Like before, but worse... I used to cucoon myself, wrap up completely in my quilt... I'd feel safe, and it'd help me sleep. Now, i lay awake all night, whether cucooned or not, for fear of sleeping... When you sleep, you're at your most vulnerable. And if anything i'm seeing is real, i don't wanna be vulnerable...
Things aren't going all that well at the moment. My head's full of problems that i can't solve... And everything is just getting a bit too much...
It would seem everyone has forgotten this site... Nobody writes anymore... On this, or the other, both lay forgotten... The past is buried, and no-one, it seems, has any interest in recovering it...
I am a little saddened when i think of the friendships i built up on here... And how, now, none of them still hold strong, or at all...
What happened...?
It has been a long time since I last updated on here, but then it has been a long time since I wrote anything worth reading, or even anything legible.
Life has been complicated lately. My ex is obsessing over me - we broke up because I got fed up with her lying to me, though she claims she never lied to me even though she also admitted to lying in the same conversation.
My new girlfriend is in love with me, I am not sure how I feel about her. I think I love her, but I am not certain (possibly because I do not like the idea of being in love since all it has ever bought me in the past has been pain and heartache)
There was someone else, briefly, though nothing happened between us. There was a problem due to age, her being fourteen and me being eighteen in a week. I think she was falling for me too, which would have made things a lot more complicated, but we are no longer speaking (apparently at her request, though I think it was more her parents demand)
There are a lot of other complications, but I do not have the time to post it all up right now, I will do so later, so long as I remember and can get online.
Oh and, I got back into college. Starting in September. I got kicked out ages ago for poor attendance, and I have been given another chance. I am possibly the luckiest S.O.B alive.
You broke my heart one too many times... The 'thomas' you knew and loved is gone now. Laying dead deep within a cold and unforgiving heart.
You thought i was heartless before, you've not seen anything yet...
Love is a lie... It's a name given to a feeling we don't understand, because we'd rather just label it, believing that giving something so complicated a simple name means we understand it. But a name is nothing, and labelling "Love" doesn't help us understand it any further, just gives a formal title to that which we all know and feel, and in most if not all cases, get hurt from...
Naming something doesn't mean you understand it. If anything, the name makes the thing so much more complex...
well, i guess that just proves it, huh? no letter arrived, though it doesn't come as a suprise. i never expected her to. it wouldnt suprise me if she still reads this, also wouldnt suprise me if her parents check it occasionally to make sure she's not having any contact with me. controlling bastards, get off my fucking journal, you're not welcome on here. so no comments is understandable, but i think it's pretty clear that she was lying anyway, otherwise it would've been no problem to do as i requested.
i don't like it when people lie to me
Anyway, as christmas draws near, everything's got very fuckin' cold. i've spent most days wrapped up in my dressing gown if i'm not locked up in my room (sat right next to the radiator). even then, i'm still wearing two, sometimes three, layers of clothing. i really hate the cold...
yeah, i'm done being hung up on her. I've moved on.
Simple as this: If you wanna be friends, that's fine, but don't think we will get back together. That's not going to happen.
EDIT:-
you really mean what you said in the message you had passed on to me, prove it. i dont expect you to visit or anything, that'd be stupid. just write to me. answer all the questions i had in the last entry, and any others you think i might have.
i'll be waiting.
It's been three weeks to a month since she broke up with me, i dunno the exact timespan, i lose track of days sometimes. Whole days, just gone. I was just starting to get over her, just starting to actually move on. And now i get told she wants me to know she still loves me. Am i meant to believe that? why should i?
If she really does love me, why did she break up with me to get with someone else...? And why did she pass the message through a friend, why not just tell me herself?
Why should i believe she still loves me...? Specially now, when i'm just starting to move on... i still have that dragon on display in my room. I guess i haven't moved on completely yet. i still listen to our song sometimes, it reminds me of you, of us... But i'm trying. And now this. I want to believe her, i really do, but i cant. I just cant believe her. She won't even tell me herself, how am i meant to believe she loves me...?
Normally by now, i'll be dating someone else, but i've not even been able to bring myself to ask anyone else out...
To Them
Ok, I admit today was pretty clever. But it's still been done before. Not original at all. Try harder... Try again...
They know They can't stop me. But They are still trying... Foolish...
fuck you all. i am all powerful.
are you really stupid enough to think you can kill me?
I mean, if you really want me dead, at least come up with something original, something that hasn't been done before. I've survived most things already. And you still think you can kill me? You're really fucking stupid then, aren't you?
Try harder next time, dumbass.