I sit back and listen to the beat hit, listen to these rappers sing about girls and heartache and missing her, how they shouldnt have let her go... how they should have taken better care of her, how they'll forever love her. I sit back and let these lyrics wrap around my brain until I am immobilized by my own sorrow. Where am I going in life? I had it all and it was snatched away so quick, so rough. I'm worse off than I was before I even moved out. Sure I have freedom but I wish I was the one who didn't have to make the decisions. I wish I could just change my mind about so many things in life. I wish I could get out of here. A part of me wants to run away and never ever look back. I really wish I could turn back the hands of time and do everything in my life over again. I've fucked up Johns whole life and I still feel bad about that. Now he has nothing. He had everything too, he had a nice home, a decent family, good friends, and me. Now when his whole world crashed down around him I did too and I left. I still haven't forgiven myself for that but what can I do? Go back? I can't and I wont. That wouldnt be fair to any of us. To me, him, or Donnie. I just feel completely out of control of my life right now. Like now absolutely nothing is in my hands anymore. Like I'm just going through the motions of someone else's life. How many regrets do I have in my life? How many countless mistakes? How many times do I feel so fucking alone?