I'm currently waiting for the new year, I want to start fully over. I love my memories, but I don't want to partake in them any longer. I need a fresh new start but I don't want to delete my old memories at all. I'm going to make a new account, and I'll start writing in it next year. I promise.

I cried, in front of him. he was in the vehicle laying down, and I walked up to him asking if he'd at least stay in touch with me if we broke up. he said he couldn't promise that, and I broke down. I told him I didn't want to break up with him and he pulled me into his arms and I cried. I cried. Telling him how I had never cheated on him and that I wish he'd believe me because it was true. he said he knew. I cried all the way back to the house, the hold him he held me. we laid down, I cried a little more. and finally stopped. I'm not ready for a break up, as much as I thought I hated him, i just wanted some freedom.

I guess we broke up, I don't know what to think really. I mean I thought this is what I wanted but he really made me feel like shit. I don't feel guilty. but I feel like something I had is being taken away. I know i had said a lot of stupid things, but I would probably take them back right now. he doesn't trust me, I told him he didn't have to, i don't trust him either, especially after waking me up at three am to say, 'we need to talk or I'm heading back to Deland'. he went through my myspace, he checked my xtube account. everything, he was having fits I was talking to other boys. and arranging meets with them, meets that I knew would never actually be arranged, yet he won't believe me when I say, I have never cheated on him. I was going to meet up with this guy named steven, I thought he was cute yes, and he liked me back, but we weren't going to do anything, he knew I was in a relationship, we were going to go to gainesville and see a movie, hopefully wall-e because i really wanted to see it. but kyle blew up when I explained that to him, because I told him I was going with kady and barbra, because he wouldn't of been able to understand. and now look what happened, I knew he wouldn't and our relationship has plummeted. I thought we had it settled, we had talked it out and decided we could try and fix this and if it didn't work out, we'd go our separate ways. but when kyle got back to the computer, I guess jealousy over took him yet again, and he said he couldn't do this, and left the room, off to go sleep some where else in the house. I should probably find him, and lay down with him, but I don't want to end up looking like a fool. after all this is what I wanted. I will miss his company, he was the only one I had around, but it was just too much, he was ALWAYS there. and i just wanted alone time more than anything. but even now, five minutes after he left, I don't want this alone time anymore. I just don't want our relationship to end on a bad note, i want to be able to say that I still can talk to him, and that we're perfectly happy people just separated. I probably should of never starting mass adding all those friends..

my friendblasterpro stopped working, I have to get that fixed. today is my last day of class, and i have a test, wish me luck because I didn't study =S. ------- I was talking to this boy I'm starting to like and kyle took the cpu from me when i went to the bathroom. now he's offline and i'm upset. =(

710 friends and still growing. the friend adder really is working. and i'm always checking my messages and talking to people. Addicted? I think so as well. but I feel happier knowing I always have something to return to. kyle hates it that I'm always at the computer, but that's always been the case so I don't know what's any different, I guess it's because I'm talking to other boys as well. Jennifer is upset because i haven't broken up with him, I decided to call her today, and then say, "I did it!" to see what she would think that 'it' was, turned out that she thought I broke up with kyle. so I guess that's what she really wants. I would, but he's getting on my better side as of recently. so yeah. I'm really tired, I want to go to bed, but I don't. I was suppose to be able to add more friends, yet apparently it says I can't ;_; oh well. my last day of class is thursday, and then there's an end of semester party at Jennies on saturday. I think I'll go lay down after checking my myspace once more.

I haven't eaten in quite some time, so i think after this entry I'm going to go do just that. kyle and i aren't fighting anymore, we had a talk and decided that if either of us feel an arguement arising, to point it out so that way it could be resolved before it started. alot has happened to me oddly enough today. my knuckle itches horribly, like something bit me, as well as it's sore, it's red, and it's swollen a tiny bit, nothing to be discouraged over, but it is agitating. i went to sleep at one something, and then ended up waking up at five to feel this thing on my ear, I flicked it off, and grabbed it from where I was laying and threw it. only to turn out with in five minutes it bit my hand, so I quickly jumped up, causing kyle to wake up. I told him a bug was in the bed, and that I wasn't laying back down, he didn't believe me but he looked anyway. The cat was even curious when I had gotten up, like it was chasing something. Sure enough, not two minutes sitting at the computer, kyle yells out, "HOLY SHIT". the bug was huge and scary and we didn't know what the fuck it was, but kyle wrapped it up in the blanket and took it outside. I still don't have that blanket back yet, he fell asleep and so i had to turn off the AC and wrap myself up in clothing. I hope mom comes home sometime this morning, i want my bag, so that way i can get my camera, so that way I can take more photos of me. -_-. I illegally downloaded Friendblasterpro v10 something on a website I know. so I've been adding four hundred people a day to my friends list on myspace. hoping that eventually I'll have alot of people to listen to me, and when I advertise sitDiary. then it'll get big again. lets hope all does well.

I don't know what fucking sick game you're trying to play kyle, but I'm tired of it. all I fucking did was ask you to scratch my back, while you were talking about something and then you decide to be a fucking bastard. 'I'm not going to say it now! It'll teach you not to interupt me!' Interupt you? I fucking asked you to scratch my back! You fucking blew it out of context as if I changed subjects, and then expect me to be 'taught' a lesson by you being a dick weed? Kyle you're leading me fucking closer and closer to breaking up with you, I swear to fucking god, I'm getting tired of it! I don't care if we've been together for over a year and a half, I don't care if you're 'in love' with me, or that you think that I'm the one for you. I'm obviously not the one, if you hate the fact that I dance in the car, sing out loud, eat with my fingers, and OBVIOUSLY FUCKING 'INTERUPT' YOU! I'm not the one for you, and It's pretty clear now for me to see that. The minute I break up with you, I'm never taking you back. End of-FUCKING-story.

you never fucking listen to me. It's obvious that I'm not that important if you're just going to let it go in one ear and out the other. I even tried talking to you and you don't listen. I hate it when you just blow off what I ask you not to allow to happen and act as if I'm not fucking important. I would break up with you if I knew you had somewhere else to go, because I'm tired of it.

in about thirty minutes, my mom will be here to take me to get my drivers license. I need to remember to keep both hands on the wheel. I have a tendency to do that. I hope I do okay on the three point turn. =S besides that, nothings on my mind, I don't have the time for it. when I get my license, then I'll say something else. wish me luck, cause I know I need it. ---------- and I passed :D the woman said I wasn't obeying the street signs like I should've been and I would of gotten a ticket for not going 15 mph but I did after all pass :D

I need attention. Kyle is asleep and I'm here alone with nothing to entertain myself with. I flunked my math test yesterday, I got a 62 on it, which won't help me get out of that class any easier. I really do need to get out, it's effecting my GPA. Luckily it doesn't effect my credits seeing as how it's intermediate algebra, and I'm one step lower than the intelligent stance of math. one more week of classes and then I have a good month of break, a month of warped tour, sleeping in late, seeing Jennifer for the first time in months, and not worrying about anything. Kyle and I didn't start the dog runs today, that's 15 dollars we won't get because it definately doesn't look like he's going to wake up anytime soon, and it stormed yesterday, so you know it's going to be alot of work. My drivers test is tomorrow, I'm a little worried, Mom assumes that I'm going to think I'm doing too well and end up fucking up some how, I'm not that type of person -_- so she really needs to give up. the cartoon George of the Jungle really sucks, but I'm too lazy to get up and change the channel. I want to take pictures of myself, vain I know, but I'm not doing anything else. I was working on a new myspace layout, that I had been working on for four hours, and accidentally deleted the links, so that will be an additional hour of work seeing as how I have to get everything nice and crisp. My old profile gives false hope, I have yet to update the banner, which has me with my longer hair, and since I've cut it, it's no longer much of a picture of me anymore. which reminds me I want more hair bleach.. My hairs not white enough. I wanted my money this week for working on the dog kennels, and asked mom if i could, yet she told me i had to save it for warped tour if I expected to go. whatever. all I wanted was a used Zelda Nintendo DS that's at our gamestop for a hundred dollars, it's been there for two months yet everyone always wants a new one rather than the used one, despite the fact that it no longer sells anyway. I hope it's there when I get my money in from my student loans, which is on the eighth. so about twenty more days to go. ;_; I really need someone to talk to right now, not because somethings wrong or I'm upset, but just because I need a companion who's always online to talk with.

Not even ten in the morning and I'm already bitched at.

my arm hurts, horribly, the shoulder of my right arm, and it hurts like hell. I don't know why, normally my arm will hurt after a soda or something, ever since I was hit by that vehicle a couple years ago. but no it's been hurting for three days now and it's finally getting to me, I don't think it's anything serious, at least I hope not, but I am worried, and in pain. I think should take something for it, but I fear it won't do any justice against the pain. I'll do it anyway when I'm done. my mom took kyle and I all the way eighty-something miles south of where we live, to drop off a dog we have in trade for a puppy my mother wanted. No air conditioning and the radio always staticy because of being so far away from home, most of the ride was in pure silence. On the way back I drove because mom wanted me to practice before my driving test on friday, she couldn't stop yelling at me for everything. for instance, going three to four miles over the speed limit is 'way too fast' Breaking at a farther distance and slowly coming to a hault rather than immediately coming to a hault isn't 'fast enough' and I'm not slowing down like I should be. compared to what she says. at least I don't talk on the phone while driving, I don't smoke with one hand and drive with my knee, I don't dig around in my purse and not pay attention to the road, I don't go OFF the road, I don't rummage to put my cell phone charger in the lighter outlet, and then try to find my phone to do so, I don't read, I don't write, I don't look for papers, I don't eat. I don't do ANY of the shit she does while driving, and yet she assumes she's a better driver than me, I don't see how, I've at least followed the handbook. And then she critisizes me for my driving, saying that I'm going to fail my test. wouldn't be my fault, and it definately wouldn't be my money wasted on the gas. then she claimed me of argueing when I was trying to present the case of what I was doing rather than her bitching at me. 'Slow down!' "I'm going 64 mom" 'You're going 70!' "I'm really not, you're in a different angle than I am" 'you can't take critisizm! you always have an excuse for everything!' ugh, bitch. I need to go do the dog runs so I'll write more another time.

I skipped class yesterday, and almost got caught, kyle and I were in the computer lounge because no matter if I skipped or not I was going to be 40 minutes late to class anyway. my mother and older brother showed up a little later to help kyle find jobs online with the colleges, and not even seconds after they left the room a girl from my class walks in and blurts out, "this is why you skipped?" I didn't want my mother to know, she assumes I skip every second I have because Mrs. Wiltse is now letting us out early. at least i wrote a very convincing note to Mrs. wiltse about how our car broke down, I didn't lie about the alarm clock not getting me up though ;_; I stupidly set it to PM rather than AM. my first ex has been talking to me, and i don't know what to think of it, tabatha and I think he's up to something, but there's not much he could do right? He doesn't know where I live and i'm perfectly content with kyle. he told me how he thinks of me and how he misses me, it's been four years. I don't know if he's just trying to get me to say something or if he means it, but to be honest, I'm not interested. we had our chance, we were young, naive, stupid. He has my virginity, and my first kiss, I don't want to give him the opportunity to take anything else. I don't mind talking to him, it just further deepens my thought on how he really hasn't changed, he's still pretty oblivious to life. his spelling hasn't changed, still typo's every three letters, and not so common sensed responses. He doesn't pay attention, I told him how I didn't have a phone and he asked for my number -_-. either way, I'm not interested Chris, I love Kyle. ---- I have eight minutes till my alarm goes off, and I don't want to get up, I actually want to say alot more but there's so much to say I don't know where to start. warped tour, it's starting next month, and this will be my fifth time I believe. kyle and I are going, and we're cleaning my moms dog runs every day so we can earn three hundred dollars. as well as I'm trying to talk my mom into an additional two hundred so that way I can take jennifer with me, I haven't seen her since we got stuff from her moms house last year, and I really want to see my best friend. I want to hang out with people but I don't know how I'm going to do it, I want to hang out with barbra and kady, and Katrina, and jennifer, and everyone but I have no ability to because I don't have a vehicle. Jeremy got his license, so he's back up to tallahassee, that's all my other brother came down for to begin with, but he ended up staying almost two weeks, because the first time he failed and he had to practice. They came to the college yesterday, jeremy was celebrating, and all of a sudden he turned to me and said I'm getting mine friday. no one told me in advance, and mom expects me to practice before the test, when she's never home to do so, I don't know how I'm going to pull off a three point turn, I'd rather drive on the real road rather than with cones everywhere, hopefully they're farly spaced. I'm excited though, I don't know why. I want warped to be sooner, but I have to wait till July 13. Tomorrow is a Math test, I hope I do well, we get our study guide today so I don't see why I wouldn't do so hot. three minutes till the alarm goes off. I'm really obsessed with the Jonas brothers, I have been for some time, but now i'm listening to them religiously. I redownloaded Photoshop CS2, so while working on that I listen to them. I don't own a CD so I just go to Projectplaylist. I lied, the alarm was going off. I had the headphones on and didn't hear it. poor kyle. I got to go, later.

I deleted my facebook, it was too dramatic for me, Matt, one of my friends from tallahassee, now associates with my ex boyfriend. which isn't what I wanted to know. As well as my ex is sleeping with someone in my brother jeremy's home. I really don't know what's going on, but I'm not comfortable with the thought of it, so I did what I could, and deleted all the thoughts of it. Kyle and I have been more open about our relationship, well not open about the relationship, but about things I've kept secret, such as I told him I wanted to start watching porn, and after consulting him about it in an adult manner, he finally agreed' he even helped me last night with that. I bleached all my hair, and cut it all off, it's short and cool looking, everyone says I look really masculine though. which I guess I don't mind, at least no one will question my gender anymore, but my clothing kind of doesn't fit anymore ;_; so I've been wearing alot more long sleeves. I dunno why but I feel pretty depressed, so yeah. I'm gonna sit here for a two more minutes and then get ready for class.

Not going to class today, again. We never found the keys to moms vehicle so we're not able to go, as well as because I missed monday I'm not really prepared for classes for the rest of the week. What's probably going to happen is that I'm going to drop my history class, it's getting very difficult to keep up, especially seeing as how this week, we have a test for chapters 5-8 and I have yet to even dip my face into the first few pages. Mom says if I drop too many classes my Pell grants will stop paying for me and then force me to pay them =S I hope that's not the case and that she's bluffing, because if that does happen, she'll "I Told you so" and yell at me. We're still not fully moved out, we got one load into the car and then had to get home but that was all. I'll write more later after I actually wake up.

I'm not going to classes today, which is probably a really fucking bad thing, but I can't allow myself to go when I still need to move things back into my mothers. I have to wait till kyle to get up to do that though, so I don't know exactly when that's going to happen. I need to find my books so I can get my teachers numbers to call them. I'm going to wait till later though, I don't want to have to actually talk to them, and I would rather leave them a message instead. nothing really has been going on. I wish my mother had Ac. I wish my mother wasn't so gross. I wish she never started her dog business so long ago. I'm going to go play flashflashrevolution for a little while and have kyle bring the boxes in with me. Happy monday.

Barbra went home the other night, and before returning she went and hung out at mikes place. Sparky and everyone else was there. they ended up slipping E into Barbra's drink and that wasn't the best thing in the world. Sparky then insisted that she walk home with him and then he tried to get her to come into his room. She decided to sit in the car. But it's the fact that he tried in the first place. The reason he stood me up was because he didn't want people suspecting anything was between us. Which there wasn't really and hasn't been. But he doesn't even have the ability to say it to my face. Barbra told me. Everyone was making jokes saying we were doing things in his car when all we did was talk about how some peurto rican people stole his Speakers and Cd equipment from his vehicle. People just like to spread rumors. and I'm fine with that, If I wasn't I think I'd be dead. But the fact that he allowed rumors to get to him and stop talking to me was pretty immature. Barbra is forcing him to leave me a myspace message or something, he promised her numerous times he would. I don't care. If he doesn't want to talk to me, then I don't want to talk to him. settled. I have class in seven minutes and because I have my mornings to myself again and I'm able to write in you like I used to, you've been making me late. I hate you. no not really, I lied. ------------ I forgot to mention before I went to class. Last night I ended up waking up to a loud banging sound and I didn't know what it was, neither did Kyle but he heard it too. and then I had a head ache and I don't know what that was from either. Kyle said it might of been the cat falling off the shelf and onto my face. because you know, my face is a better landing than a pillow ;_; Later that night I woke up to the fact I couldn't feel my arm, it went fully numb and I wasn't able to feel it at all. So I had to untangle my arm from the shelf next to the bed and lay it down to recirculate myself. yeah I know weird.

Today feels better, I finally got kyle to talk to me. Then we had make up sex. which wasn't bad mind you. I begged him to play a video game with me before we went to sleep. I didn't want to just pass out like I normally feel like doing. I still feel fairly numb about the situation. I ended up deleting my friend request to Sparky. personally I feel it's for the better. I don't want to be in college, it really sucks. no one forces you to do your work so you fail on your own time, and I need that push to keep me going. I didn't even do my homework last night. Technically I don't ever do my homework, but last night I was going to and completely forgot about it. -------- I was overlooking my old diary entries from 2003, and I fucking hate myself from the past. I was an obnoxious, childish whiney little depressive brat. The only thing me and that person have in common is the password to this diary. I have more time in the mornings so I believe I can write more in here again. but I may end up forgetting about you and coming back months later like I always do. this site isn't even active anymore, the only thing that draws me to it is the memories, and the fact that I still have one friend who owns hers. I wish scott was more active in trying to expand it. I might do that behind his back or something.

So yesterday, Kady, Babs and I went to a party, and it was a pretty cool party, I knew most of the people there. some I didn't but it was fine, no one was against me everyone was friendly so yeah. This one guy named Sparky (nickname) kept hitting on me, and I thought he was cute but he has a girlfriend. He then told me that He really doesn't like her because she's cheated on him three times or so and this is the last chance he's giving her. So he was flirting with me, but wouldn't make any moves. Of course he knows I'm taking, I made that blantantly obvious, but he kept doing it anyway. and I started to kind of like him back. at the end of the night he walked with me to his car and got in and was talking to me, and he called me cute. then told me to add his myspace so he could hang out with me today, because he had to come to town anyway. So before I left i made sure I got to a computer and added him. Then Kady, Barbra and I leave, and we have a chain of events where her car kept dying and running out of gas and the battery kept disloging so that was a long ride home depressed. I finally get home and Kyle did his whole, "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU ALL DAY" shit, where he complains and won't let me get up to use the bathroom or anything, and it really makes me feel clausterphobic when he does that shit. so I told him, "I want you to take this as an adult and please please please don't get offended.but is there a way to just hang out at someone elses house for five days" because I was sick and tired of always dealing with shit and I just wanted to fully relax for once and not have to deal with kyle and not have to deal with anything but he blew a fucking fit and started whining, so I basically said Fuck it, that he couldn't take the conversation as a fucking adult i wasn't going to try. then he talked about how we could go on a vacation from everything, so I told him it wasn't the same, because we'd have to worry about the money and shit as well as I'd still be around the main person I want a break from which wasn't getting through his head. so I just left it alone and went to bed, I went to school today, an all I could think about was meeting Sparky later today, I had myspace messaged him this morning saying to meet me in the viking center around 1 pm and shit. because afterwards my mom was taking me to get my computer fixed. as well as Depositing my student loan that I was getting today and was going to buy a laptop with it later this week. Finally one pm comes around, and then two, so I call my mother, and she tells me she's not coming today, but instead tomorrow to fix my old computer, then she told me my loan hadn't came in so i went upstairs to find out that my Student loan financers had bailed on me and I have to reapply tomorrow for me to even get the money, and I won't be getting the money till at least two weeks from now. which completely blows off my fucking chances of getting the new laptop I wanted. Barbra came by the school, and called sparky, to find out instead of coming here he had some business in Keystone. so later I went on his myspace to leave him a comment to have a girl leave him a comment saying she loved him so much. And it wasn't his girlfriend either. I clicked her, to turn out she lived in Keystone. so now I knew where he went today rather than to see me, and I feel like fucking shit because everything that was going to make this day good happened to bail on me completely. for the last two days, I feel so horrid right now, and kyle is giving me the silent treatment, he's not letting me notice, like he'll say small things to me, but he locked the door on me and was laying in bed all day listening to music. so I know he is. ------------------------- I officially finished renaming all my entries. it took a few months, but I finally motivated myself to number every entry. yay =S

So after I finish updating yet again, I'm going to finish rewriting all the titles to my entries, so that way they're all numbered and some don't look more interesting than the others. I'm still pretty sick, I don't hurt at the moment but I'm waiting for it to come in, and despite what the doctor says, even if I am sick on friday morning, i'm going in. I really can't miss anymore school, I'm so far behind in all my classes it's not even funny. I might even get expelled for missing so much, but i have a liable cause, I'm sick! I don't want to get any of the other students sick, and I don't want to be miserable in class coughing and sneezing and hacking up a storm while freezing myself to death. Personally I feel they should have a glass box in every room for a sick kid to go into where you can't hear them but you can hear the teacher. and after every sick useage, they should devour the glass room in bleach. to remove any existance of former sick personnels. I'ma go change those names now. later