Ocean City was incredible. Tell me how I got lucky enough to have a boyfriend who bought me a LOUIS VUITTON bag, 2 pairs of Chanel earrings, a pink Volcom bag, a Roxy sticker for my car, and expensive dinners every night for a week? :) Mhmmm loves him. I start my new job today, and college starts in less than a month.. soooo pumped. I also can't wait til christmas because I dooo believe I am getting a teacup terrier, and xmas will be a month before i move to the cityyyyy! Lifee is swell.

i've noticed i use the line "well it's up to you" a lot in my relationships with people, most especially with john. it's my not-so-subtle way of expressing that i better be getting what I essentially want, or i'm going to be in a pissy mood. john is no fool to this, and sometimes i almost feel bad that i will prepetually get my own way with him, and pretty much everyone else in my life. but what's so wrong with a little manipulation here and there to try and be happy? people truly think that material things won't make you happy in the long run, but i think those who say that just aren't in love with accesories. purses, shoes, and jewelery literally make me happiest of all. i look at my wall of necklaces and purses, down at my floor full of colorful shoes, and around my desk of earrings, rings and bracelets, and i feel in love. what makes me sad, is that i wont always be in love with the very things that drape my wall, floor, and desk. and thats what i worry about my relationship. i've never been able to feel a certain way for a long period of time- hence my history of very short relationships/flings. and what i hope right now is just PMS, i'm starting to wonder and worry. things feel as though they might be starting to change. change is my absolute biggest fear. even good change can bring on an overwhelming amount of anxiety. one thing i know for sure is how much i miss the newness and beginning of relationships. before the comfortableness sets in, when its new and impossible to keep your hands off of them, and you see nothing but sunny skies. but sooner or later the clouds begin to appear, and i'm assuming this is when we must start to wonder... is it worth weathering the storm?

so where to begin? well, the highlight would be buying a car yesterday. it feels prettttty great. its a black Honda accord with tinted windows, a wicked nice system, and keyless entry (which is fab for the winter, so you can start the car and warm it up without getting into it). I don't get the check for my car loan until next month, but the car definitely would have been sold by then so my grama bought it, and i'll give her the check once i get it. the best part is that i still have $1300 in my bank account from graduation after all the clothes and shit i've bought, so i can pay for gas and whatnot with that until i start my job on the 31st after i get back from Oceancity :) I'm so excited for the job, and i found out one of my cousins Lauren worked there last summer and she said the money she made was so ridiculously amazing. i get to listen to my ipod, work on the computer, and make $12/hour, plus the weekends i have off. working til 12:30 am is the only drag, only cause i really won't be able to see john until the weekends. but our trip to Ocean City is going to be much needed.. a week in a 2-story condo on the beach? Yes. not to mention my parents are going to be gone 25 miles away all day and most nights for my brothers baseball tournaments, so john and i basically get it to ourselves ;) Major pumpage. I schedule my classes for college on thursday, and i'm SO excited to start next month. The sooner i start = the sooner i go to FIT. I've been talking with my admissions advisor there and she motivates me so much to do good at BCC so I can get to where i want to be. I'm so happy to be out of highschool and slowly entering the real world.. every time I've driven by the highschool it feels like i've been gone forever, and i really thought i would be sad at some point, but i feel so exhilirated. i don't have to pretend anymore, and i don't have to give a rats ass what people think of me. i can be myself, and i can do what i want and i love it. i haven't felt this alive in.. well, ever. life is lovely.

HIGHSCHOOL + GRADUATION IS OVERRRRR. i couldn't be happier. fucking best feeling in the world, and i ended the year with an 85. i got $1800 for graduation. a new car in the next month. a brand new job making $12/ hour. scheduling my classes for BCC next week. FIT in the spring. john and i are fabulous. lifeisokay.

i've seriously never been through so many emotions in such a short span of time, and it's bothering me so bad. i really feel like i'm not in control of myself at times lately. i think it's due to the amount of stress i put on myself for prom. i just wanted everyone in my group to have an awesome time, and especially John. it might seem like i didn't do much to have so much stress about it, but you have no idea. i was responsible for over $1000 for 2 limos, and obviously with 2 limos i could only be inside of one of them. and of course, the other limo i wasn't in snuck in a bottle of alcohol after i told them i would be ass raped with a $1000 fine if we got caught with it. it just reinforced the fact that the people i know are so fucking disrespectful, it's ottrocious. (i dont know know how to spell that word by the way) on top of all of it, prom was a fucking BUST. the AC in our limo broke, we were smashed together when it was supposed to fit 14 people, we were all fighting on the way to dinner, we were too late to dinner, we sat on the couches for almost the entire prom, i didnt win prom queen, and john and i basically just fell asleep as soon as we got back to the hotel. the only good part of the night was slow dancing with john, because it was so romantic and corny haha yesterday we went shopping and out to dinner, then i took a nap back here at my house because i was soo exhasuted. we went down to his town to go bowling with his friends but i was still exhausted beyond words so i just left. but when he walked me out to my car i balled my eyes out for like 20 minutes for literally no reason. and ive been snapping on everyone so bad. its like i honestly cant control it, but i think its gonna go away soon. i think it was just after not sleeping all week, and being beyond stressed, i just need a break from every human being. i have 2 days left of highschool, pretty crazy. im excited, i think this summer will be fun. at least i HOPE. i havent hung out with people in a long time, but i think we'll all start hanging out more now that we don't have school. life is so weirrrrd.!

wow, ive never been more annoyed in my life than right now on the phone. johns wasted and i wanna strangle him with his phone cord.

today marks 4 official months of being with john. who would have thought i'd be able to be in a faithful relationship for 4 days, let alone 4 months? i love life with him. everyone needs to find someone who makes them feel as good as john makes me feel. i love being in love.

SCHOOL. CANNOT. BE OVER. ANY. FASTER. at this point i dont even care if i graduate or not. im ready to get my GED and be out hahaha its just so irritating. i still havent fucking heard whether or not i got into FIT or not. and its gonna happen this week because its the last week in April. i'm sooo anxious. i feel like im going to poop all the time haha i want in SO BAD. and i feel bad talking about it to john cause hes always like great.. youre gonna leave me. and yeah, i will be leaving him. in the literal sense. but im not going to break up with him because i finally have someone i love with every inch of my body and who loves me back the same and i want him forrrrrrrever. thats scary to say but its so true. ive never longed for someone 5 minutes after ive left their house to just smell them. i lalallalalloooveloveloveloveLOVEEE him sooo much and i wouldnt be any good without him.

sometimes my boyfriend and i like to get drunk &watch Wondershowzen &take showers &do crazynaughty things to each other while housesitting. round 2 part 3 tonight.

i can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone who is as negative as i am sometimes you see everything you see every part you see all my light and you love my dark you dig everything of which i'm ashamed theres not anything to which you cant relate and you're still here

its the last spring break of my highschool career and its been so gay. well thursday night was actually the most fun ive had in a LONG time. erin brooke and i downed an entire bottle of Captain Morgans at my house, well mostly Erin and I, and we were fucking S-M-A-S-H-E-D. most drunk ive been in over a year. it was fucking hilarious.. i passed out in the car on the way to boca joes about 12 times. but once we got there, GOD DAMN i had an amazing time. i havent been to Boca's since January and it was definitely worth the $7 i had to pay for the first time. (they caught on to our marker idea and now its impossible to get in without an ID) i danced my ass off and got hit on by basically every single guy there, and for once in my life i got to reject them! it was great. so then the ride home.. the last thing i remember is Felecia's boyfriend going 55 mph through the backstreets of Bingo, and we ran every single stop sign GOING 55 mph. aka we could have died at least 5 times. i blacked out after that, and apparently my brother found me on the porch that morning and had to drag me inside. my hangover wasnt even that bad the next day, haha. so basically it was a greaaaat night. i thought it might have sucked going out to a club not single, cause every other time i went i was, but it wasnt bad at all. it actually enforced my love for john, because they are all skeez balls at this place. (and probably every other bar in America.) goooooood times.

so yesterday was one of those perfect days you rarely get few times in your life, where you replay the whole thing over and over, and you start to realize how lucky you really are. although it was mostly simple, it was perfect. i woke up to a wonderful day full of warmth and sunshine, which automatically put me in an awesome mood. once john woke up around 1:45, he asked me to come down so we could enjoy the day together. i went down and got there around 3:30. we went to his gramas house who passed away last year, so he could look around the house one last time. (they sold it and it was going to be passed on to the owner today) his mom was there too, and while john walked around the house, her and i talked and it wasn't awkward or weird, which makes me really happy. but to know that john wanted this one last chance to go inside this house that he grew up in just made me see him in a whole new light. that's so sentimental, and i would have done the same thing. and it makes me so excited to know that he has such a big heart. he took pictures of all the rooms and reminisced with his mom, then went out to the backyard and came back in with a bouquet of flowers for me, haha. after this we went to this bar to get food and he decided we should play pool. i told him i sucked, but what he didnt realize is that ive played about twice in my life.. so not only do i suck, but i really have no idea how to play. he was very patient with me and he walked me through the whole thing and even made me practice. little things like this just count so much to me. this next part also makes me melt inside.. there was a coaster on our table that had an ad for Saranac root beer, and i was like 'oh i thought they only made beer' and he was like OMG YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS STUFF. (he knows my obsession with barqs rootbeer) so he asked the bartender if they had any, and when she said no, he dragged me out of the bar so we could hurry over to this place that he knew had some. he also got another kind so i could try it too, haha. he was just so excited and it was the most adorable thing ive ever seen. so we drove about 15 minutes to this park that is like our version of 'top of the world' in JC. but once we got there it was still closed until May, but he decided we were gonna walk to the top of the hill anyways. i knew what was going to happen.. im so out of shape, and smoke like a fucking chimney, so i knew i was going to die, which makes me wicked embaressed too. we had to stop every 2 minutes, and he kept telling me he thought it was adorable. its adorable that im out of shape and have lung cancer basically? haha but he encouraged me throughout the whole thing that i could do it, and finally we got to the top where it was a nice pond and a bench and we were all alone. of course after sitting there for awhile, he wanted to go further into the woods, so we started walking and i stepped into a huge mud pile and i had flip flops on :( so we walked back to the car after that. we were 'fooling around' for a few minutes... until a car came up the road haha so we left and went to this ice cream place and ate in my car. then we went bowling down the road and he kicked my asssss 3 games in a row, haha. then we played 3 serious intense games of air hockey, which he also creamed me in. it was so much fun though.. then we went back to his house to watch his dvd's of my favvvorite show, Arrested Development, and had sex of course :) hahaha so yeah that was my perfect day. godddd i hope i stay this lucky for the rest of my life...

for some reason i feel the need to write for NO reason. but i guess so. because tomorrow is my last day as a CHILD. at least legally hehe. tomororw is my last day a seventeen year old. (seriously no one in the world probably takes their birthday more seriously than me..) i'm like literally obsessed with my birthday. if anything goes wrong, i hold it against that person(s)for like, ever. haha some people (ahem, my boyfriend john) hate their birthdays, and just cause they are becoming an old fart, doesnt mean they have to rain on my damn parade! i will be happpy and joyful and screaming it to everyone in the land that it indeed is my birthday. so be nice on wednesday or i will forever hate you har har har. p.s. we all just went to get chinese food for the first time in a loong time and basically my bowels are going to explode :) hahahaa YOU TOO JESSIEEEE

i'm basically married, haha. i'm about to go shopping to find something nice to wear to this big huge dinner at some country club for john's company hahaha. thats marriage status right there. i'm hella nervous foshooo. i want to make a good impression on the people he works with, since i'm a reflection of him. he doesn't seem to care or be nervous at all which makes me feel good about myself. but anyways, things have been great. *knocks on wood* in the john department anyways. he's pretty much all i hang out with anymore, except for the occasional dinner outings with some of the friends, which is always fun. i'll start going out more once i turn 18 in 11 days!! :) the day after my birthday (which is johns birthday haha) all of us that are legal will be getting shitfaced and going to boca joes since its been months and months and months since we could ALL go together. hopefully that will be fun. and hopefully john will want to go. i got my 5 week report yesterday. i went from a 87 to a 65 overall. ME. i had an 87 for the first semester!!! thats the highest ive ever had. and then my motivation totally deteriated. i'm just nervous about finding out if i got accepted to FIT or not. they send notices out the first week of April. if i dont get in, i'm going to BCC and working my ass off for just one semester, cause this girl i know did that and then she got to go to FIT in january. so that wont be too bad. thats my one major passion and goal in life and i'm going to work as hard as possible to achieve it. i can't wait to live in the city. and write in the city!! and wander around the city. and take pictures in the city. and get lost in my own mind in the city. take in all of the city. and be happyhappyhapppy. just cause im IN the city. :)

last night i went down to johns at 10:30 because even though we celebrated V-day saturday night we wanted to hang out for awhile, and celebrate our 1st month together which is today :) we watched TV for a few hours and cuddled and basically i couldnt have asked for a better valentines day. i cant believe im turning into 'that girl' who writes a million entries about their boyfriend haha i cant believe for once in my life im in looove and havent even thought about cheating? its niiice. i finally sent all my stuff to FIT the other day. and i just found out today i wont know until possibly APRIL because theyre slow as hell. damn damn damn.

hi hi hello. last night john and i celebrated valentines day a little early since it's actually on Tuesday, and we won't be able to spend the night due to me going to school and him going to work toooo early in the AM. damn damn. anywayyyys. we went out to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays cause thats like "our place" now haha. I HAVE A PLACE WITH SOMEONE. OMG. aka we go there every weekend and get the same exact thing everytime hahahehe cuuteee. then we got some beeeer, Sierra Nevada, it was DISGUSTING. like spicy or something. yicck. but we had scotch & rum anyways haha. then. THE BEST PART. he got us a suite at the Courtyard Marriot. it.was.a.dream.come.true. weve stayed in a suite before down in his town but this was soo nice. we had a chill out room with leather seats and a huge TV. we bought porn hahahhaa. we drank dr.pepper with & rum while watching the greatest show ever, THE BOONDOCKS. on top of all this money he spent he bought me the cutest gorilla from Hallmark that drums and his heart lights up awwwww :) then we had amazing sex basically all night. and once this morning. ahahahhahaa. thennn we drove back down to his town and got pizza and said byebye. what did i do to deserve someone like him?

Favorites food- pizza color- green name- Roxy friend- johnnnn memory- 8th grade playground equiptment- swings song- capleton - in your eyes flavor of candy- watermelon fruit- banana veggie- broccoli soda- pepsi fruit drink- orange juice shoe you have- green flats number- 9 screen name you've had- heylush333.. i fucking miss that and i cant remember the password to save my life pattern- depends on what kind of clothing article it is, but different kinds of plaid, and just crazy designs. book- sex & the city magazine- cosmo of course shirt- come see my overflowing closet, then make a decision for me. pair of pants- dark blue Levi's dog breed- teacup terriers! store- old navy/ kohls accessory- my crazy beaded necklaces/ pearls hair color- dark brown family member- grama season- summmaa day of the year- iiiiiiiii dont have one. month- july day of the week- saturday holiday- Chrsitmas time of day- 1-2 a.m. imaginary friend- the one that lived at the bottom of my pool :) snack- chips sport- tennis to play/ hockey to watch band- glassjaw, ETID, head auto, capleton singer- Daryl Palumbo brand of clothing- CHANEL. brand of shoes- old navy has awesome shoes jewelry- beads, pearls, huge rings subject in school- free periods. friends parents- brookes mom is awesome radio station- i hate the radio. weather- hot summer day Current shirt- maroon thermal pair of pants- gray & pink yoga pants shoes- no shoes socks- white ankle socks makeup- none hairstyle- messy bun chair you're sitting in- my 3rd computer chair food you're eating- i just ate a waffle song you're listening to- capleton - in your eyes friend you're talking to- erin boyfriend- johnnny Bestfriend- erin & brooke people at home- mom place you're at- my room AIM screenname- wasteofpaint4 movie you're watching- nothing bladder- less than half full pet nearest to you- jingles, my dog.. but shes like downstairs book nearest to you- sex & the city!

jen is in a new relationship. well, it doesn't make a difference if it's old or new or anything. ME of all people is in a relationship. i guess this means i'm growing up or something, since I want this just as much as he does, and I actually don't want to mess it up. he's amazing. funny, adorable, intelligent, and amazing in bed. and no one has ever gotten my attention like this before. REALLLYY. i think this is the start of something gooooooood.

its finally here. we've waited 12 years for this, its finally 2006. its OUR year. this is officially our LAST year of highschool. were going to college THIS year. its amazing. and crazy. and sad. and exciting. jessie said it perfectly when she said shes just so excited to see what CAN happen. our class has come together so much in 2005, and i think were gonna do big and crazy things now that its REALLY the year of 06. i really love them all, im gonna miss them all. but how great its going to be to share our new lives with each other. and on that note, i'm going for a smoke.

herkimer class of '08 babbbbbby! i visited yesterday and abbbsolutely love it. its gonna be such a good balance for me.. everyone is so focused on their education with very minimal partying. no one acts like they are in highschool and everyone was so genuine, I THINK IT WAS MY FIRST TIME WITNESSING THIS. obviously everywhere you go there will be lame people. but ive met and talked to lots of people that graduated from there and they said it was the best and most balanced two years of their lives. sosososo excited to be alone and away from hommmmeeee!! my apartment is so fucking nice.. and my dad has even OFFERED to pay the $300 security deposit next month. loveitloveitloveitloveit. im doing so damn good in school. i have a 99 IN SCIENCE. a 75 in MATH. an 89 in MARKETING. a 95 in OCC. an 80 in CONTEMP.LIT... why did i have to waste my highschool years being an idiot? things are good right now. knock on wood. my aunt from florida comes tomorrow night and SCOTTTT comes saturday morning! so exxxxcited. &&&snowday=99.9% chance 2moro! weeeeee