i've noticed i use the line "well it's up to you" a lot in my relationships with people, most especially with john. it's my not-so-subtle way of expressing that i better be getting what I essentially want, or i'm going to be in a pissy mood. john is no fool to this, and sometimes i almost feel bad that i will prepetually get my own way with him, and pretty much everyone else in my life. but what's so wrong with a little manipulation here and there to try and be happy? people truly think that material things won't make you happy in the long run, but i think those who say that just aren't in love with accesories. purses, shoes, and jewelery literally make me happiest of all. i look at my wall of necklaces and purses, down at my floor full of colorful shoes, and around my desk of earrings, rings and bracelets, and i feel in love. what makes me sad, is that i wont always be in love with the very things that drape my wall, floor, and desk. and thats what i worry about my relationship. i've never been able to feel a certain way for a long period of time- hence my history of very short relationships/flings. and what i hope right now is just PMS, i'm starting to wonder and worry. things feel as though they might be starting to change. change is my absolute biggest fear. even good change can bring on an overwhelming amount of anxiety. one thing i know for sure is how much i miss the newness and beginning of relationships. before the comfortableness sets in, when its new and impossible to keep your hands off of them, and you see nothing but sunny skies. but sooner or later the clouds begin to appear, and i'm assuming this is when we must start to wonder... is it worth weathering the storm?