So I'm looking back on things listening to Sage Francis in the basement of Tolentine and IDK what is to be. In the words of "Spanky and our Gang" Thought that I had found her and I built my world around her. but that was perhaps the dumbest thing I could have done because now I'm beset on all sides but one, and that is foreward. I've begun to think about what it is that I want for myself, for those around me, for what my situation may become as well as the situation of any children I might have. The more I look at it, there is so much that my life has had to offer me and yet I was so busy entrenching myself that I basicaly dug my own grave. I stand alone in a dark cavern of desparity, but now I see the light.

So, I'm alone. I've got noone to depend on, no tengo anadie. I was on the hunt for a good woman and I looked everywhere, in church, in class, in the dininghalls, in the library, NOTHING. I can talk to them no problem but when it comes down to it they're not interested in me or anything that I have to offer. My freinds have wives stacked up like Trump has got money and I'm the one who goes to bed alone every night with no consolation to my mind or my heart. That Jessie Girl I wrote about last time... Did she get sweet on me, YES... Did she want me to take care of me, YES.... was I such a fool to travel all the way to Deleware to go see her, YES.... I'm tooo nice of a guy. It's important to treat women with respect but I'd like to see some respect thrown my way too. Its a two way street and I've decided that if I'm not getting anything out of even talking to a girl than I'm not gonna talk to her anymore. Does this mean that 90% of my correspondances are gonna fall right the hell off the map, YES, and I am OK with that. I'd rather have a team of 5 that are gonna play the game than a team of 50 that are gonna sit on the bench.

So for the last few months I've been talking to the GF of a friend of mine, and the longer we talked, the more liberties she took as my friend. From calling me at odd hours to using me as a backup BF to make her feel better and untill recently I was relativly OK with this, but her BF and his friends stare at me funny and I can't help but feel they think his GF and I up to something disshonorable which we all know is not at all my style. She took the trip up to come visit him and I thought that was fine and grand untill she dragged me into it. I don't mind being nice but when I advise that someone take public transportation instead of making me call in favors to pick her up in a car, and to hang up on me after she tried to sweettalk me and I stood my ground. And yet the next day have nerve to IM me saying "bring me food, me=Jessie" and yet what truly grinds my gears is that she had the AUDACITY to call me at 9AM when she realized the train she was on would be 15 mins late for amtrack and calls me saying "come get me". Folks, A little appreciation goes a long way and not one of us are anyone elses servant. We all know that I'll stretch myself out for my GF, but this girl isn't dating me she's dating my freind (well ex friend, the dude can get hit by a bus as far as I'm concerned). K, just wanted to get that off my chest and let you all know that I'm not mad at you guys, I'm mad at that guy and his GF. Be easy

It's good to know I'm loved It's good to know I'm loveable, Capable of being loved It's good to know I'm yeilding, capable of being shoved It's good to know I'm kind, cause men like me are few It's good to know I'm loyal, cause I stick by you It's good to know I'm thoughtfull, cause thoughts can make up life It's good to know I'm strong, cause you put me through some strife It's good to know I'm gentle, cause I cary a big knife It's good to know you care so much, casue you'll never be my wife It's good to know I'm important, one of your top things to do It's good to know I'm sexy, the first guy you screwed It's good to know it's been a year since we started to fall It's good to know your phone is on, that you'll answer when I call It's good to know I did for you and that you don't even care It's good to know I'm the bigger man, and I still have longer hair.

Well today is wednesday, the lappy got reimmaged , my Qkey is GONE so I just have the button. I'm struggling with calc 3, but I'm sticking with it. I have like a 88% in communications though, so I'm not totaly gone. last week was just ruff on me so doing much studying was kinda hard.

Well, I made it through the week. The plans I had made to run to DE for the weekend are gone, which is OK with me cause I have midterms comming up. Steve's got me talking to this girl who he knows and who's frighteningly similar to me besides our backgrounds. I've only been talking to her for a week now and I think there may be potential for a seriouse relationship. Life has been hard being single, especialy with everything that's gone on, but I've realized Gods plan for my childhood being so hard. without it I probably would have given up a LONG time ago. Maybe the hard times are behind me? This girls got a job, her own appt, a car, she pays her own bills; and she wants to fo the white picket fence thing, and she thinks that where I live is pretty. I hate to sound too infatuated, but well, I am. And I'm OK with that. Your Birthdate: February 18 Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity. There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself. You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator. You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous; a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas. Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed. There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others. Oddly enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give. What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

In my endeavors to listen to music, I have come across an artist named Jack Johnson, who once wrote a song called TIMES LIKE THESE. It was about how things change over time, how we thought that everything good would remain, and the like. So some things have happened, I'm not a kid anymore - if in fact I ever was a kid. I've found this strange sense of confidence; when I look at people, I don't look at them as being older/bigger/better/smarter/whateverer. They're just people. I just got back from a run to WAWA (kinda like a wanna be Turkey Hill) with Mai, and I realized that I don't think I've ever done something like that before. To just take a trip with some friends to some random place. To spend some time just relaxing and actualy relaxing; not thinking of the million other places I'd rather be or things I'd rather be doing. Even in some of the most tender moments with Sondra, my mind was going a mile a minute thinking about how lucky I was at the time to have her by my side. Even at Camp I would be thinking about other things.... fires, songs, plants, my immunity to poison Ivy...... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have found rest and comfort. Not Idolitry, but rest, a sense of calmness and belonging that is unquestioned. And realy; that is home. just knowing you belong and being comfortable with where you are. That simple thing is home.

Tests, assignments, projects, papers, classes, and masses are all a part of Villanova life, and I've managed to make it work for me for just this week. Under imense workloads, pressures of time crunches, sga elections, classes I feel defeated in and the like, I must say that someone should lock me up cause I'm a wild bull now. I've got it working for ME not ME working of IT. The best part of this all though, is that for once in a long time I feel complete. Like things have filled in where my foundation was cracking. I've gotten back to my old "scouty" self, and I like it.

Well, it's after easter and you know what that means... time to go to the grindstone, stop getting buttraped by calc and physics, and quite importantly, almost the end of the year. that means shorts, T shirts, sun, and the upcomming NOVAFEST. Yea buddy.

Well I took my midterms, my quizzes, my essays are done, and I helped my friend finish off his beers a few nights ago while watching last samuri. I kinda like this college life thing. I just gotta work on Pete telling me when to get lost so that he can have some QT with Tracy. Along those lines my friend is trying to set me up with a sophmore nursing major he used to date; but even if it works I'm just gonna take my time with it all.

What a friggin week. Valentines day sucks cause I spend it bailing Pauly's ass out of a jam, then I wake up on wednesday and I found out Mike Died, thursday was a struggle for solice while working on backwork couse I couldn't focus worth of shit on Wednesday, Friday I went home to my Mom crying cause she didn't think I was gonna come home. Friday night was an argument on why I should be alowed to go to the wake, Saturday was QT with Mommy (A game of Scrabble YAY), Saturday night was a late night Phonecall from Amy telling me happy belated B day (cause Sondra told her that it was like 2 weeks ago or some shit), and Sunday was Mass, a veiwing of my friend Mike who died at the age of 20, a long quiet ride back to Nova talking about how upset we are about the situation, and then when I get back here I can't find solice while sleaping and when I get up and look at my computer I get a lone IM "by the way, happy belated B day" from Sondra and that's it. She just signed off. no I miss you, no I hope you're OK in reply to my away message about Mike, nothing. just signed off. Guess noone cares about my ass.

Well, I'm still looking for answers. Why Sondra Lied to me, Why Sondra Cheated on me. All fine things and more. Guess I'll never know, or maybe I will when the Eagles win the Superbowl.

Well, I had a hell of a week, my bird died, I went to see the Dean of Judicail afairs, Failed my MAT quiz and whatnot, and now I must say that this week is over. I got a verbal warning, my bird had lived a long life anyways, and I forgot to put +C on my integration quiz. I guess things aren't realy that bad after all. I'm taking a trip into the citty tomorow to see if I can get to the scout office and get hooked up with one of the troops down here, and to hopefully drop off some Theology Books to Alex cause she said a while ago that she wanted them.

Well it came today. The papers. I have to talk to a Dean of Judicial affairs because I did something bad. YAY. Woopty DOoOoO. Time to go to court. Defend my case. It's nice to have things happen to you, hae your family sick, find out your ex had been lying to you the whole time, and then you go to court where you can't win. I'm having a convo with a friend of mine right now about it. He's telling me to get a lawer.

Well I got a return E mail from Sondra after like 3 days. And since then there have been at least 3 that have gone back and forth in argumentitive progression; doing nothing more than frustrate me. I don't trust her anymore. I doubt I ever will. She won't listen to what I say, she just tells me that half of what I said is wrong, and explains why all of what I said is wrong. it's not in the least bit Becomming; and I feel that she thinks she can win me back like that. I don't know what to think about her anymore. I still harbor feelings, though the sands of time are quickly running out on them. I suppose I'll never see my hoody back either. She's been home a few times already. Called me up saying she's bored. If she can get her Mother to take her to the mall so she can go visit her friend Tap, then why is it that she can't ship my hoody back to me? I guess I'll never know.

Well, Sondra and I are no longer the item. Let this be a testiment to everyone in a relationship; make sure that you realy know what's going on with you and your partner, because when love goes bad, everything sucks. You just want to have everything go back to normal, but you know that it will never happen. eveything that they said and did becomes an enigma. did they do it because they wanted to, or just because that was what they wanted to do with you? You start to get paranoid and you begin to think, hmmmmmm. maybe she was just using me. but though you wish that your relationship meant something and that you were truly in love, you come to realize that though you loved, you were not verry loved; wich was evident in the actions of your partner, and in time it began to eat at you, the fact that they always wanted just chews away at you until finaly you get to that point when you're just so warn down that you put your guard up and when you look at your love guarden you just see a desolate waistland where you once saw a lush green prairie of romance ripe with the fruits of your labor.

Well, I kinda got busy here at NOva, didn't have much time to myself, and not I don't even have my room to myself so that's Chill. My roomate is mad chill. OK, back to work.

Well, I'm tired and I'm hoping to God that this doesn't go on for much longer.

that's right, the CD that I got with SOndra, my Sondra muffin bear wubby dubby miss you SO much, thanks for calling me this morning, I would have been kinda cranky if it was my phone alarm that woke me up, instead I got a phone call from the one I love. Muah. Wanna hold her and kiss her and never let her go even though she's there and I'm here; but I get to see her in a few weeks and go to a wedding and a homecomming and I get to cuddle and snuggle with her. God I miss it.

What hurts is that I trust you I trust you with it all I never wish to hold you back Live! I'd just hate to see you fall. I wish we could be together So when trouble becons, I'd be there And we can snuggle and kiss each day but it seams our visitation has been bare. Sondra, we had an aregument not so long ago It was on trust -- i want you, you want me no reason to worry as cheating goes but now you say you want them and me I'm Sorry Sondra, but this troubles now that you want others I start to worry I haven't been gone long have I? I still love you, to loose that in no hurry It would kill me if I lost you It would hurt me if you cheat All that pain that I've gone through lately must have led to my defeat Sondra it bothers me that each time I have to fret I never make you worry, least I don't try but I end up being afraid of loosing you You get and give backrubs, hugs, and get hit on I need a backrub, a hug, to be held -- only by you You tell me you're afraid of loosing me, that you'll love forever i hear from you, you only want me but now you want others too. It's Nearly 2AM - I can't sleap. I don't feel whole. I want my muffin, but does she want me? four months ago we made love, you gave yourself to me four hours ago it hit me, will you save yourself for me?