April actually got even worse that following week if you can believe it. I have a brother who causes issues with the choices he and his family make and some things came out that caused a huge rift. In a way the rift is the same size except me and the rest of the family now know what it really is. None of us have seen them in years... we try... but there's always an excuse. Now though my sister and I have plans for a Yellowstone trip and they might be part of it. Only time will tell but hope springs eternal. My plan is to be positive and open to healing and when they're ready I'll be waiting. Of course 2020 continues to feel like the end of days lol but at least my town seems to be doing well. We just got a notice that someone is Covid positive in my building... so we will see how that goes. We're locally seeing a spike but it feels like no one is talking about it and we're all moving forward with reopening....

"I miss you" "How relieved are you you're not quarantined with me and a six month old right now?" Yes, I am a superhero of restraint.

So "Monday's" suck right? Things that are true about last Monday - It would have been my moms 60th B-Day - My grandma died (not corona just old) and I can't do anything because... - It's week 3 of stay home - Mr. Beliez gets sent down south probably won't see him for 2 months minimum - My computer crashed I got the news as I was headed to work I thought I'd be ok but as my sister and I texted about it everything was coming into focus about how utterly crazy everything feels and how out of my control everything seems. My brother, sister, and dad all live too far to go to the funeral... and I'm too far to be useful. I can go to the funeral, which I hope we will still be able to have. I will be 3 miles from my last living grandparent who will turn 90 in July and I won't be able to visit her. Most of my office has left to work from home, there are lots of logistical problems with my job but I'm trying to do the best I can. I'm staying in touch as much as I can,

I put on an Apple Music playlist that seems made for me called in my room... the first 3 songs just embody my feelings lately everything I wanted Billie Eilish I had a dream I got everything I wantedNot what you'd thinkAnd if I'm being honest It might've been a nightmareTo anyone who might careThought I could fly (fly)So I stepped off the Golden, mmNobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried)Nobody even noticedI saw them standing right thereKinda thought they might care (might care, might care) If the world was ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels I know you know we know you weren't down for forever and it's fineI know you know we know we weren't made for each other and it's fine But if the world was ending you'd come over, rightYou'd come over and you'd stay the nightWould you love me for the hell of itAll our fears would be irrelevantIf the world was ending you'd come over rightThe sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tightAnd there wouldn't be a reason whyWe would even have to say goodbyeIf the world was ending you'd come over, rightRightIf the world was ending you'd come over, rightRight Dancing with your ghost by Sasha Sloan I stay up all nightTell myself I'm alrightBaby, you're just harder to see than mostI put the record onWait 'til I hear our songEvery night I'm dancing with your ghostEvery night I'm dancing with your ghost Never got the chanceTo say a last goodbyeI gotta move onBut it hurts to try

Well 2020, you already weren't my fuckin favorit but cudos to you for taking it to an unforeseen level. While Mr. Belize aren't in a capital R relationship it is currently the relationship keeping me sane. He's quite possibly a sex addict but in the absence of a Xanax prescription and my gym being closed he's my primary stress reliever. It doesn't hurt that he thinks I'm hilarious and he's a great listener. He's really my only person here in this very lonely time. I'm a bit worried I will loose him in the next month or so because he is a respiratory therapist for the national guard. But at this point he hasn't been sent anywhere. He is getting very tempting offers from all over right now though that honestly I can't believe he hasn't taken. One offered 4,000/week and would also pay housing and food. With him getting accepted into PA school for the fall it seems too good to pass up to me. It's incredible to me how many people think we're overreacting and that it's "just" a bad flu. Bad flus don't do what has happened in Italy. It's not hypothetical there are real time examples of how fuckin bad it can get. A friend argued that Italy is an older population than the US, which is accurate- but we're a sicker population with less equality in access to care. So we very likely more vulnerable. Our 40-60 year olds have heart disease and diabetes in insane numbers so while they're not "old" they're just as vulnerable as a healthy over 65 year old. Boomer... it's coming for you. Also... what does it say about us that we suddenly find ways to shelter the homeless when it seems beneficial to the health of the rest of us? Maybe it wasn't as unsolvable problem as y'all have been saying. Maybe this will be the thing that makes people earnestly develop ways to make Universal Basic Income happen. ... or maybe next year at this time it will be a distant memory we all repress.

My best friend and I went to NYC over the last weekend. It was a pretty good trip overall. I had never been so it was nice to do something new... it was my first real trip without Brian though and by the flight home I'm not sure if it was exhaustion or what but I was a bit of a mess. Luckily it was late and dark on the plane and my friend was all about minding her own business so I was able to sit there and silently cry with no one noticing at all. On one hand that was a relief because how do I explain what's wrong? But on the other hand it compounded the loneliness that I feel even when surrounded by and in close proximity to other humans. I'm trying to move on... I really am... I have Mr. Belize who though he's not in it for the long term is someone I enjoy talking with almost as much as sleeping with- he listens really well. Then there's Mr. HR who is at "the place in his life" that honestly I would want a man to be- he's 40, good job, just bought his dream family home and is looking for something serious.... but idk... there's something he's holding back and trying to cover up- maybe it's not a big deal but it's something.... Then there's the ever-present Angel... who idk what he gets out of it, Idk what I really get out of it... but we do it... maybe just habit?? Then there's a date with a new guy coming up, Idk how excited I am... but it's more options I guess... just working the numbers at this point, right? I tried to daydream about having kinds when talking to Steph in NYC and she was a complete downer... not even entertaining the possibility of it not being horrible... I'm just terrified the opportunity is/has passed me by and that's maybe one of the harder things in life: dealing with the possibility that some dreams may never be....

I feel another sexual revolution coming on... it has been almost 2 years since I really hoe'd it up by my standards. I'm going to sleep with 3 different guys by the time the week is out... and 2 are already regulars. Is it fulfilling? No, not really.... at some point for just a moment I realize I'm closing my eyes and imagining Brian. Sex is nice... kind of refreshing and revitalizing... but it doesn't hold a candle to making love.... Even their experience is different... they get flexible and uninhibited- which is great, I'm sure... but they also get the cold brick wall of emotional unavailability. Regular Meg is sexy.... but Vulnerable Meg is a drug. I'm a little worried about the new one... idk that I can avoid doing a little damage when it ends.

A doctor at work today told me that life has peaks and valleys and it's important to be strong in the valleys. Stand firm. Don't waver. You'll be high on a peak again one day. Lately I've been looking around at my life, my world and I'm surprised at the loneliness. It's one of the lonelier times of my life, I think. I have friends, I do. I have plans. I'm doing things.... I'm dating... I'll go to NYC with a friend in a few weeks... work is going alright... my family feel distant but they're okay. One day I'll be high up on a peak looking back on this valley thinking how lovely it looks from far away.

About 6 months ago a once close friend from school confirmed that her marriage of 12 years had ended and the father of her three children and the man she thought she was going to do ministry with had walked away from their family.... I remember talking to Brian about how shocking and unsettling I found it. I had always admired them as a couple. I patted myself on the back a few days ago because I cry only about once every other week now... which I was counting as great progress... I’m not quite as obviously depressed- I’m hanging out with people, working out, even volunteering... but I’m still very... very... sad.... My friend posted today about how happy and at peace she is with everything and it’s been hard but she’s seeing how much better things are now yadda yadda sunshine and sugar plums... REALY?? She’s over the dissolution of 12 years and I’m over here still mourning my 9 months (though I and most should say the sadness is usually about the loss of what might have been not what actually was- which is so so so true)

This weekend would be a year from when I met Brian... It’s also when I would have been due.... The family is getting together this weekend to celebrate and plan for my sisters engagement and I’ll get to spend time with my one month old niece. I am so incredibly happy for those things but I fear it will just be pouring salt in this wound that is not healing.

It’s over. My heart is broken... again. Each time it breaks in a new excruciating way.... the creativity never ceases to amaze. I don’t want to become bitter... so the cycle resumes... I’ll be sad... then numb... then ok... then optimistic... then I’ll open up... and a new guy can play with my heart, fumble, and drop it to shatter on the floor with hollow apologies and empty praise.

A lot has happened. Things just always keep happening sometimes it’s good sometimes it’s rough and other times it’s amazing. We decided it is not the time done us to become parents. It seems kind of insane to feel closer to someone through an abortion but he supported me in every way I could have wanted and a few I didn’t know I needed. Physically it was harder than I expected, but he was with me and took care of me. I told way way too many people. I’m pretty private but there was something so huge and overwhelming about this that just made me spew it out to anyone I consider a friend. They were all supportive except for my “best friend” who chewed me out at first but we talked through it and it was more about her shit than my life. As soon as she remembered that my situation is not at all like what she went through she apologized and came around. So he came out for the procedure, and then two weeks later I went to Seattle and it snowed and snowed and snowed some more! We had a great time. Next we’re going to Cancun in about two weeks from now, we’re very excited! We had talked about me moving out to Seattle... I think I could do that...

I don't know what we're going to do, I haven't told him yet. He comes back on Saturday and I'll tell him then and well figure it out. ... We'll figure it out.... This is going to be the longest week of my entire life.

Why is it so terrifying when you start to really care about somebody?

My step-mom, lord bless her, has a lot of guy advice and opinions. One of the thing I have heard a lot from her over the years is, "If he's interested in you he won't let anything get in his way and he will do everything in his power to make it happen." I would hear this speach whenever she felt I was being too accomodating. Brian, aka Mr Vegas, made his second trip out here over the weekend. He lives in a very interesting city but he has flown out to visit me in this borning town twice. I suppose he's done this because he's interested and he's going to do everything in his power to make it happen hahaha. When we were planning what to do for this trip which was over a long weekend instead of just basically 48 hours like the first one he was coming in for three full days and four nights so I suggested we head to the California Coast thinking I didn't want him to somehow waste a trip in my local area again. He really hemmed and hawed and was non-commital to that idea which was odd to me. He held it in till breakfast the first morning that he wanted to take me to Hawaii in a month so he didn't really want to go to the beach this trip- especially considering its not tropical. Honestly I was so shocked I didn't give a very impressive response. I'm still kind of speechless about it... with my silence he just starts explaining how he wanted to go on a trip for his birthday which is Dec 13 and he thought someplace tropical would be awesome and I don't have a passport so Cabo is out but he's never been to Hawaii and I've never been to Hawaii and he can't think of anyone he'd rather take and sit on the beach with. At our last dinner I let a sad expression slip and he cought it... I said I was just sad he was leaving in the morning. He agreed and said he was too but to look on the bright side- with this time of year being so busy it won't feel as long as the last few months did and then we'll be in Hawaii for a week together. After that, he said we'll probably see each other 2 times a month how he is figuring it. Then he said about the sweetest thing, he said I know long distance isn't ideal and it's hard and maybe it won't work out we don't know but I know I want to keep seeing you and spending time with you so I'm just not ready to accept something else. He really is making something that seems like it should be hard, easy. I get anxious traveling and I guess there is a bit of that still bouncing around at the thought of this trip but he asked an no other answer but Yes, made sense. ... addendum added hours later.... He sent me the reservations and tickets and all that... He just spent more than I make in a month on this trip... People do less than this for a honeymoon... And even with it being so expensive, he got it for much less than 1/2 the regular price so he's great at getting a good deal as well but that means I'm going on a trip that costs more than double what I make in a month. And here I was back in the spring thinking I was killing it with three nights at the Madonna lol.

Mr Vegas... he is a 34 year old man with a business degree employed as a business analyst for a large communications company in Seatle. He's six feet tall with black hair, brown eyes and a very charming smile with one chipped front tooth I can't bring myself to ask him about because I don't want him to feel self concious. He is very thoughtfull and considerate, polite, and funny- He's very even tempered and rational. He came to visit October 12-15. it was awkward for all of 10 minutes and then it was just so increadibly easy and natural that it kind of terrifies me to think about. Everywhere we went, everything we did, it was all just so enjoyable. When I get "the feels" I get quiet... I have a hard time forming any sort of coherent sentence and it's like I try and telepathically send my thoughts. This is often read as upset. I didn't say a whole lot from when we got back to my apartment on the last night to when we went to the airport in the morning.... He had his ticket for his next visit out here before he went to bed the day he went home. I like him a lot... he apparently likes me a lot. * Apparently I just saved this as a Draft on 11/6 instead of as Published

What happens in Vegas... sometimes follows you home. Or tries to at least. Of all the guys I could have picked up in a bar how do I mannage to find a very dateable one... who lives a thousand miles away. At the same time I did meet a new guy who I'm super excieted about and I'm trying not to get to overexcited about and read into things too much but.... he kind of seems perfect for me. He's smart and funny he's tall and cute... he's like my college best friend except straight which is perfect as I was in love with that gay man lol. I have this weird habit of bringing up cirspr technology on first dates. I don't know why I do it but it's a thing that facinates me and something alwasy reminds me of it and I'll bring it up. 98% of the time the guy looks at me like I'm super weird and says something like, "So you're like smart-smart aren't you?" But Derek brought it up before I did!! We also went out to an art thing in town with one of his friends and it went well... he said he really wants friends first and I'm all for that... but like I'm sure sure more will be amazing I'm just trying not to rush it or get ahead of myself.

Overall the summer has actually been one of my more active. I took several trips with my best friend, had a lot of good workouts, made some great improvement at work, had trips with family, and though not all positive had quite a few diverse "love life" experiences. The highs get higher and the lows lower sometimes. Last weekend I went up to the hills in Sonora to attend a wedding of a high school friend I hadn't seen since graduation. We got her the 12 pack of SPAM on her wedding gift registry- it was so bizarre we had to. After the wedding my friend and I went out drinking at a bar with karaoke. It was… interesting to say the least. Despite the fact that there were plenty of guys in my age range only the above 65 crowd paid me any attention lol. One old guy got brave and grabbed me as he was walking by. I told him that new hips are expensive so he better not try that again! I don’t care if you’re old enough to collect SSI, you don’t touch people without some sort of permission! Next week I’m headed to Las Vegas with my parents, my brother and his wife and kid, and my sister and her boyfriend. I have never been to Vegas and they all have- I’m super excited. We have tickets to see a Queen Concert and we’re going to see at least one comedy show. I’m a bit bummed I don’t have a plus one to bring- in all honesty I worked really hard to find one but… it didn’t happen. I thought I had a stalker for a moment. I had told a guy I think we weren’t going to work out and then I blocked him but he got other numbers and called me and tried to contact me through Instagram etc. He said he was going to come to my work and my home and I told him that I would call the police if he did and that I didn’t want to see him. When I finally talked to him again he thought I would appreciate his persistence and he didn’t realize he was scaring me. He thought he was showing that he cared. For a week I was double checking my surroundings and going out as little as possible and I considered telling the guard at my work to look out for him. I’m no longer spending any time with Malfoy. He asked if I would be okay with our arrangement if he moved in with a girlfriend. After some discussion it became clear that he had been dating this girl the whole time and she did not know about me. Previously we both said that we were each sleeping with one other person where we had the same agreement but apparently his one other person believes them to be in a loving monogamous relationship. The interesting thing is I saw a picture of her: The Girlfriend. She is beautiful, blond, and thin. She is exactly the type of person you would expect to see Malfoy with. I am pretty, don’t get me wrong, but I’m big. People say I look like Meghan Trainor or Adel but I don’t- It’s just those are the only plus size pretty people they know about and they want to give a compliment. My friend said he probably is more attracted to me physically but that he feels too much social pressure to be with someone like her. Maybe there’s a seed of truth in that but that social pressure also motivates him to stay emotionally distant- it’s not like we have a relationship it really was just sex. One time he said he loved me but I could tell he was just trying to get a reaction like when he called me Ashley- I laughed told him at that time “I don’t care if you know my name”. I just can’t be “the other woman”. I don’t want to be blamed for whatever inevitably goes wrong in their sham of a relationship.

I'm depressed. For a little while now. I just feel so sad. It seems like a good solid cry would help.... but I can't work up the tears. Every now an then I think I might get the water works going but then nothing. What has me down? Life. Life is a fucking bitch. It's tedious and exausting. At times it seems futile. From time to time a person forgets what it is that makes life beautiful. Not in an an intelectual sens, sure I could make a rambling list of the "beatuy of life" but that's a shallow memory. The memory I can't seem to grasp right now... that' I can't seem to reach out and cling on to is the feeling of what makes life beautiful. Even the memory of that feeling has grown faint... distant... almost doubted... did I really even feel it?

I've added another to my collection. I still have the last one who I will call Malfoy because his name is Drake and he's a towheaded entitled little one percenter.... But he's not completely villainous I think he's just had a lot of advantages he doesn't really appreciate. I have added GI Joe who didn't exactly offer a friends with benefits situation so much as a limited time offer of intimacy both physical and emotional as he is in an "open relationship" with a long distance love. So it's like he's looking for a surrogate for the in person connections he's missing right now. GI Joe is also very young... actually younger than Malfoy by a couple years however he's had a much rougher go at it so he's mature and when talking with him he doesn't feel any younger than me at all. He's a sweet, intelligent, vulnerable, little wounded puppy who just want's to play for a couple of months before he moves again. We went hiking last weekend which is what I think sold me, because if I can get a hiking buddy out of it- it's worth it! I did slip and fall on my way down the rocks to the creek and hurt my hand pretty bad though not bad enough to get it checked out. This weekend he invited me to the game night he hosts at his apartment. I think it was one of the truly most graciously hosted dinner party sort of thing I've been to hosted by a peer. He had a variety of people playing games and he had made a lot of actually really impressive, tasty, and healthy foods. I did spend the night and he is definitely good at what he does lol but he does also have a lot of sex baggage that I don't really know what to do with. He's very open about some issues that he has and I am not judging him on it at all I love that he owns a problem and tries not to let it own him but I just feel unsettled that I'll say the right [enough] thing sometimes. I do really like feeling needed. I don't feel like he needs me yet but he has enough issues that I'm wondering if it will get there.