SO lou called me this morning, he was working at a house across th road and had no electricity so i offered him a cup of tea, we had some chat and got on well, ha a hug or 2 it was nice but i didnt feel the need for kisses or anything like tht which makes me feel like i have deff done the right thing. he asked if i have been thinking about pulling, i said yes. it must have hurt but i dont wana lie to him. he seemed to be ok too which was good :) found jaco on facebook, my long lost ex from SA, havent spoken to him since i left 6 years ago but he is still his hot self and sweet too. he said he will always love me, and changed his status to "jaco has a heart condition, and th cure is in scotland" taking it a little bit far i think since we were kids when we were together but sweet anyway. i would like to see him again actually but its quite far haha

I LOVE THIS ALBUM everytime i hear a song from it it makes me want to listen to the whole thing I have actually achieved something today, i got my mum a train ticket! Need to get a leg wax...but do i? I think i might wait till im back in glasgow, only a few days and its cheaper and done better there. just means no skirts till then I hav realised tht i dont often have anything interesting to say. Aw well I want pizza, i have had the urge to have some for ages, homemade tho, only i dont know how to make it and severely doubt tht there i will have the ingredients. could make myself useful and walk to the shop

This song isnt by The Kooks, i thought it was when i downloaded it tho...i still like it :) Was my last ever day at work today, i do say i am never going back every summer but somehow it always happens. I am skateboard shopping, even tho i have no money :( i wish i had never given mine to my brother he wont let me have it back now even tho he never uses it. i kinda want a lighter one tho cos tht one was for vert when we still had a ramp :( I shud rly go to bed i have to buy my mum a train ticket tomorow and get my legs waxed. Well i dont have to get my legs waxed but i wana wear a dress out on thurs before it gets too cold and they are like forests. My music has disappeared :( Ahahahaha its the Rasmus now :D excellent oh dear i am seat dancing, i really am a loser. I am talking to this guy online, we have been talking for years and he is the only person in my contacts who i have never met...anyway he keeps complaining tht he cant get a girlfriend bt all he needs to do is shave his stupid creep 'tache, tho i cant tell him tht...can i? This song is actually starting to get on my nerves, i am not as much of a loser as i thought. Awesome i didnt know tht i had razorlights live lounge version of golden touch, its SO cool! If anyone is reading this seriously go listen to it! Aaaanyway ... I will be back in glasgow in 3 days and 13 hours hopefully. SHIT lol i cant wait but i really need to get sorted packing wise, my clothes are either on my floor, in the washing machine or in the laundry basket. not to mention the rest of my parapenalia which is spread out around the house! ok im gonna go sleep so i can get up early tomorow and do all this stuff. nanite

who wuda thot an 18 yr old wud have such skills!! (no i didnt sex him)

pulled sam boy again haha it was fun :) tho i got stung by nettles on my fingers, stupid nettles. have been in bed all day its awesome :) i am a lazy bum i know. have to work tomoro its terrible, last night shift before im finished forever tho, v happy maybe a little sad but only cos i will miss mags. ooh alex the bitch has been telling people blatant lies about me!! i have been told she is a psycho but wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, she has lost it now! i cant believe it! i mean i know tht me kissin R upset her but its not like i did it on purpose and i would have told her if anything real happened, i didnt wana tell her before cos i just knew she wud b hurt but now th little gtown whore team hates me and i am prob gonna get beaten up next time im out! not cool at all! oh well i never have to see her again. i think i might b over R anyway, there is a lot of chemistry between us so never know what cud happen but this being single lark is way too much fun, i like tht i can talk to who i want when i want and do what i want, make spontaneous decisions and tht sort of thing. have been texting E today i feel bad cos of his girl but to be fair we have been txt flirting for years and nothing has happened so rekon its just a bit of fun. anyone who reads this prob thinks im the biggest slut and man eater...oh well i know its not like tht xx

ahh what a hottie sam is haha and a good kisser! i am well smiley today xx

oh dear what am i doing, pulled a 28 yr old last nite, went bk to his room n stayed there all nite didnt sex him tho or anything like tht!! he told me he had a gf too, to be fair i was wasted and he jumped me but still! and he was a SHIT kisser. you would think by tht age he wud know how to kiss... but still i feel like a hobag! in other news, i just spent £51 on a bra and thong, crazy? maybe but its beautiful!!!

And i dont think its gonna get much easier Map of Promematique - Muse ah i &heart; muse :) So was out on thurs night and pulled this guy, he was ok looking till he wouldnt leave me alone and slevered all over my face...nice...luckily he is technologically retarded and so he couldnt get my phone number, hopefull he wont b out tonite! He told me tht he got with sarah who is the girl tht R has been "being good" for...what a SKANK she has been acting all inocent and vulnerable to him and in the meantime she is getting with other guys??? Was feeling rough as hell yesterday cos only got in at 5am but got a call from maggie at 12 telling me to come meet her in town for lunch, managed to get up and dressed and to the bus in 10 mins am v proud of myself for tht, couldnt eat my chips and cheese tho cos felt like i was gonna spew then i saw lou walkin past the window i wanted to cry :( i am so sad that i have hurt him so much tho he keeps telling me not to think like i have hurt him. i really want us to still be friends but its gonna b difficult, prob more for him than me so i feel selfish knowing that. i am hurting him now by keeping on telling him not to text and stuff but i think it is better in the long run, when he comes to get his stuff from my flat in a couple of weeks i will talk to him about it. happy house - siouxie and the banshees so anyway i had to go to work feelin rough and tired yest but i managed surprisingly well, stupid bus drove right past me at 4 so i was in late as well, missed out on an hours pay! That reminds me i wonder if i have been payed yet, i am so poor i duno what i am gonna do about money next year, i really need to call SAAS and find out whats going on with my loan! Anxiety - Black Eyed Peas AWESOME song! love it!! Got to work again today but hopefully i will get off early so i can go out for Eilidh's 21st, Lou said he is gonna try make it but he prob wont cos of stupid shinty but then its prob better cos he will b hurt seein me talking to guys even tho i always talk to guys cos im friendly like that, its not like im gonna pull someone right infront of him , infact after thurs i dont wana pull anyone!! I just hope he is not his usual drunken mess cos tht is one o the reasons i broke up with him and i know tht i will be the one lookin after him if he is. Man this song makes me type furiously! I am gonna wear jeans and a top and no makeup and messy hair, sort of the opposite of "make him see what he is missing" just incase he does make it out. I keep worrying about what to do with R but i think i shud just see how it goes haha AWESOME i have set my itunes to play songs i havent listened to latly... Girl all the Bad Guys want - Bowling for Soup *dances in her seat* WOO HOOOOO just checked my bank balance...i have FINALLY made it past the -£500 mark :D need to stop spending so much money out tho, think i will try stay relatively sober tonite tho, no shots for me!!! man i love this tune hehe makes me happy :D reminds me of my skatergirl days, i kinda miss skating might have to get down to "KG" haha and have a go (on a quiet day so i dont get laughed at!) oh dear... tiny dancer - elton john *sigh* this song makes me think of lou, he made me download it, i miss him so much he is my best friend in the world i really hope we can go back to being friends like that without hurting eachother. think it is time for me to stop getting so serious with guys cos the last 3 have always become my best friend and it hurts so much when i have to break up with them. At least i have some good girl friends now, i do really feel quite positive about this coming uni year. i think i shud volunteer for the GUCU cooking thing, i have no idea what its all about but i have enthusiasm lol so might drop an email in and find out. I could prob sit on here and chat shit for ages so i think i will go... x

hot stepper - ini kamoze decided to put what im listening to the whole time... anyway im not sure what im here to write about. went swimming in a loch today it was freezing but awesome, stayed with mags in her caravan (and his) last night (he wasnt there tho) i slept in his bed it smelled nice :) So i have been thinking bout this whole being single thing, i duno if i will be able to remain celebate but i dont know if i shud get involved with him cos i really like him and i know he isnt interested in anything serious, tho he is much better at not being a sleaze than he used to be...hmm maybe the only way he will want anything more is if he sees what he can get. but then i dont want anything serious either might get with sam this weekend just to see if i still know how to kiss lol get me off - basement jaxx haha how appropriate, i feel like i am in a movie at the moment the amount of times the music has fitted the mood so well recently, maybe its like tht film with jim carrey, cant remember its name... am talking on msn too btw that is why im writing so little between songs anyway about him..i will call him R i dont know why i dont wana use his name when i use other peoples but i just dont, i think i might just have to see how it goes really, go with the flow i was planning on waiting till he spoke to me first but i think i might text hm after work tomoro and tell him i missed his dancing skills :) but then if he doesnt txt me back...which he never does...i guess i will get over it like i usually do i have sent over 1200 texts this month, i think i need to give myself a stern talking to about that lol i think i am a textaholic bang bang - dr. dre 16 sleeps till im back in glasgow :D i cant wait!! im quite proud of myself for not being gagging for a smoke lately think i am officially no longer a stoner, who would have thought lol i really need to learn to spell propperly i will never get a job like this oh seaking of which i really need to do some research into gettin a job that involves working with kids incase i decide to go into teaching, i would love to be a biology teacher how awesome wud tht be hmm i did that thing with the needle and thread that is meant to tell you how many and what sexs ur kids are gonna b and it said i wasnt gonna have any, said tht for R too and he said "maybe one of us is infertile" so maybe he does love me lol dont you want me - felix i really need to get away on holiday somewhere pity bout the lack of money or a decent passport to get me anywhere!!miss the sun so much tho gay bloody scotland!!! dancing in my seat to this tune haha im such a ned...but then R listens to this shit all the time, man he is soooo not my type what the hell is my prob i hope my ex is ok i know if i ask him he will jsut say that he is so i dont worry about him, i feel so bad that i am over him so quick but i think i have sort of been over him for a long time right i shall sign out on the note of lambada - gypsy kings

Haha so may have go slightly drunk and sent "him" some sligtly seductive texts haha, his were a bit more than seductive!! wont see him for ages tho and not entirely sure if imjust thinking i want him or if i really do...only one way to find out and if i dont then it will be the playas turn to be played! maybe it will change him if he sees how it feels bt i am acually lookin forward to the single life of freedom and friends, the last 4 years have been amazing to be so close to someone and we had a lot of fun times but i have realised that this is the time in both our lives to enjoy ourselves and not be dependant on other people to be happy or whatever xx

excelent music for the entry to when i split up with im it was "I'm leaving you for the last time baby, you think your loving but you dont love me" felt like i was in a film am feeling positive bout it all :) xx

AHhh so im not looking forward to sunday i have decided tht i have to break up with him cos im really not feeling it and i feel like im just lying to him when i text an say nice things, cos tho it is true that i love him i just dont think i am in love with him anymore. we shall see how the breaking up and being single thing goes for a while and if i miss him too badly then i guess it will show tht its meant to be. Was out last night got a bit drunk tho pent less than a fiver which was pretty impressive tho i had to dance with some kiwi sleaze ball friend of rachels to make up for it and she whined at me about being annoyed with her AGAIN even tho i wasnt even until she wined!!! I may have said some things that i shouldnt have to "him" but i spoke to him today and told him tht i hadnt rly thought it thru and tht there is no way i wud b up for any sort of commitment after a 4 yr reationship n not really being single for about 6 years so even tho it makes me sad to see him with other girls i cant expect him not to do it. going to stay at his caravan on tuesday tho he wont b there it will be with his lovely sister who i love not just cos she is his sister lol. i am quite worried that my liking him might affect our friendship but as long as i dont involve her in anything that makes him look bad it will go ok i think :) he left without saying goodbye tonite tho which hurt a bit but it is a but fair enuf after my intense explaination to him about the rubbish i was talking last nite i always tell myself i am not gonna drink but i end up doing it anyway :( I am reading an awesome book at the moment, it talks about a german word for the fat that gathers on people who eat to make themselves happy "kummerspek" and another quote from it "she found herself wondering if she could ever love a man with ginger hair on his knees" hillarious :)

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH boys SUCK! im so sad and drunk *sigh* im going to sleep and cry and sleep now x

just noticed my last two entries are both number 6, what a dumbass i am! oh well this one can be 8 and 7 is just unlucky. Drinks last night were actually surprisingly fun tho i feel like the evilest person ever sitting there listening to her going on about how he hurt her and how much she hates the girl he is sorta with and the whole time i am thinking about how much she is gonna hate me if i get with him. she told me some stuff that put me off a bit tho like that he asked her to get a brazillian for him and he was obsessed by it and thought it was the hottest thing ever...not that im against brazillians just the thought of actually doing it OUCH and sorta embarrassing too. hmm the man isnt exactly helping his situation by not texting me back, being generally useless. someone asked me last night how i wud feel if he got with someone else, i cant rly imagine how i wud feel but it used to make me feel sick thinking about it and now i have a sneaky suspicion i would b a bit relieved so i dont have to be the bitch in all of this, that is not a good thing is it? work was ok today was feeling pretty ill at the start of the day from the appletini and pints of lager i was drinking but settled down by the end of the day, prob thanks to the massive macaromi cheese and chips tht i ate. it was dead we made less than £250 and it is usually between £1000-£2000+ a day in the summer, weather was SHITE tho so that is most likey why. none of the bosses were there so me and chloe just sat and chatted all day rolling round the shop on office chairs, i dont think i would have survived if it had been the usual non stop not allowed to even lean on the counter kind of days. think that is me i love vampire weekend btw, they are playing in october but they are sold out :(

Life is so confusing at the moment, it was so nice this morning waking up wi my man and having a cuddle but didnt really feel the love the whole time we were together yest and couldnt stop thinking bout "him" last night while i was trying (ad failing) to fall asleep. on the plus side i didnt have anymore dreams about him. Found out a "friend" of mine who keeps on letting me down was out in my 'hood on thursday night and didnt even tell me, even tho i ask her out every time i am going cos i feel i should cos i invite the rest of the group even tho i would rather not see her, guess i dont have to feel bad about not inviting her anymore. Just makes me so mad cos last time we were out she took me aside to ask if i was annoyed with her over one of the incidents and i said i wasnt cos i thought i might have taken it out of context or too personally even tho i was i just didnt want to cause trouble but after i had reassured her she point blank lied to my face about what had happened as if i wasnt there or was remembering events wrongly. ARGH i dont know why i bother, except for the fact that i know she is insecure and just wants to be loved. but why should i make her my charity case? Going out for drinks tonight, "he" was meant to be coming but his ex is going so he isnt gonna come, i hope its cos of the ex and not me, tho it is prob better that he isnt going either way. Not looking forward to the next 5 days, am working 2 x 8hr day shifts, a 9am-12 midnight shift and 2 x 7hr night shifts, am gonna be dead on my feet.

I got some hugs and kisses at work today, mostly from girls haha but it feels good to be loved. I think he is using the fact that i like him and cant do anything about it against me, i dont even know if that is what he is doing. argh! i am generally a one man woman and he is generally not a one woman man so even if i did decide to change the current situation i really dont think anything is gonna happen. I think maybe not seeing him for ages when he goes to mexico (wit a suitcase full of condoms so he has told me) and then maybe never seeing him again might help me get over it...

I keep having dreams about him ,last night i dreamed tht he was gonna propose to me, our supervisor at work told me about it tho so it was really akward, it kinda felt like he wasnt really going to do it oly cos the supervior told him to. i dont know it was just weird. i told his sister last night what had happened and she seemed to think it wasnt tht bad...

Here is a thought, if i am offended by political correctness surely that makes it not PC?

SO work was actually pretty fun, i got to av a chat with him about what happened last week, was akward at first but we are back to being how we were whatever tht was, i think. he was showing me messages from his girl she is so sweet but i think he is gonna break her heart cos he is not a relationship man... im really feelin quite positive about life at the moment, kinda tired too so think its time for bed. x so my entries came back haha this is the one i wrote after i thought this one was dead i just typed a whole entry and it didnt save, trusy sitD to start playing up as soon as i come back, i will persevere tho i think had a good time at work and managed to talk to "him" about what happened last week, was a bit akward at first but its back to the bawdy jokes now and just how it has always been which is a relief, who would have thought u wud get privacy for a chat in the middle of a barn dance haha. he showed me some messages from the girl he has been pulling i think she is gonna get hurt unless he can bring himself to have a relationship but i dont see it happening he told me he is a christain which surprised me i mean i know his dad is a minsiter but he hardly acts it, but it kinda made me feel like i made the wrong decision but maybe we are meant to be together one day i just dont know. or maybe i am meant to try get the message to my man... hmmm o well bedtime i think

So i have about 5 mins to type this before i have to go get the bus to work, costs me 20mins worth of work just to get there and 10 mins worth to get home again, what a waste! tho i cant realy complain as i spend most of my time at work doing jack all and having fun :) I am SO bored of being at home, im gonna miss my mamma when i go back to Uni but other than that, small town life SUCKS! Im gonna miss the pretty country side too but now that me and my sweet have decided to get more fresh air & quit smoking weed hopefully we will be able to do some fun camping type stuff and see some of this beautiful country. I HATE shinty, well i like it but hate that it takes up so much of his time. Right i better go cos else im gonna miss the bus and my 3rd day of work this week, oops. x -edit- HEY!! where did my music go!?!