AHhh so im not looking forward to sunday i have decided tht i have to break up with him cos im really not feeling it and i feel like im just lying to him when i text an say nice things, cos tho it is true that i love him i just dont think i am in love with him anymore. we shall see how the breaking up and being single thing goes for a while and if i miss him too badly then i guess it will show tht its meant to be. Was out last night got a bit drunk tho pent less than a fiver which was pretty impressive tho i had to dance with some kiwi sleaze ball friend of rachels to make up for it and she whined at me about being annoyed with her AGAIN even tho i wasnt even until she wined!!! I may have said some things that i shouldnt have to "him" but i spoke to him today and told him tht i hadnt rly thought it thru and tht there is no way i wud b up for any sort of commitment after a 4 yr reationship n not really being single for about 6 years so even tho it makes me sad to see him with other girls i cant expect him not to do it. going to stay at his caravan on tuesday tho he wont b there it will be with his lovely sister who i love not just cos she is his sister lol. i am quite worried that my liking him might affect our friendship but as long as i dont involve her in anything that makes him look bad it will go ok i think :) he left without saying goodbye tonite tho which hurt a bit but it is a but fair enuf after my intense explaination to him about the rubbish i was talking last nite i always tell myself i am not gonna drink but i end up doing it anyway :( I am reading an awesome book at the moment, it talks about a german word for the fat that gathers on people who eat to make themselves happy "kummerspek" and another quote from it "she found herself wondering if she could ever love a man with ginger hair on his knees" hillarious :)