So I've been thinking.....a little way to much i might add. especially about my last relationship. It was extremely traumatizing. I've been trying to get over all the emotional, verbal, and most of all the physical abuse. It's really hard and i still think about it each day. I hate that i do but i can't help it. it's not because i care about him or anything but it's more of the fact that i feel sometimes i may be possibly setting myself up fo failure on my new relationship. I love my boyfriend very much and he is by far the best one i ever had. I would love to talk to him more about what im feeling most days and why i cry all the time on most. I feel like im letting all my past abusers get in my way of my relationship with him. Most of my boyfriends were no good at all but he is different. so i want to make it different. It's even harder sometimes because i also grew up with an abusive father. Who beat my siblings as well as my mother. I hate the fact that she doesn't know i remember most of it. Including the fact that i remember the day tht he tried to kill me when i was about 2 or 3. that i remember the sexual abuse as well. She saved my life on both occasions and i will always love her for that because it could've cost her her own life.She wasn't too aware on the sexual abuse and in some ways im thankful for that because i know that would be an ultimate hurt for her. I can't help on reflecting on those things because not only do i think way too much into it like could've, should've, and would've's but didn't, but i also dont handle things like this very well. So i think by not handling things i let it destroy the very person i know i could be. I let myself fall into a pattern of abuse when it came to my personal life..like not letting people in..forging smiles and laughter when needed and letting myself fall back in my depressive state when i don't have to put on a facade for others. I've been doing it so long it's like clockwork. I feel fake and like a liar to myself as well as others but i need to do that to get through the day. I cry at least 6 out of 7 days of the week more than once when no one is around and i question myself ..question others and why i feel that the very core of me is rotting away and feels so useless. Because i really know what kind of person i am who i know i can truly be but i never let that side show because my guards are always up. And i know (it has always happened) when i let them down people take advantage of that vulnerability and hurt me to my fullest. now that i have a good thing going and i know nothings going to happen they are up at full staff. I want to put my guards down so bad because i dont blame him if he felt useless to me or hurt that i wont let him in. He said he wouldnt leave me and is willing to put up with me whatever it takes but everyone has a breaking point.