I'm still having difficulties on what I should do about my current relationship. He is the guy that carries my bags,will buy flowers on a wednesday for no reason,makes me feel like no one else, comes up behind you to kiss you just because he passed you by,will randomly tell you he loves you, looks at you from across the room to study what your doing, feeling, wondering what your thinking, calls you beautiful not hot, is actually interested in your day and what you have to say about it. He's what i've always wanted and now am possibly thinking of breaking up with him just because of my stupid bullshit. he's the perfect guy for me and he is what i deserve. But i dont think he deserves what i've been putting him through. I think he deserves better than me. Better than a girl who crys everyday and crys at night just to sleep. My feelings always get in the way of everything including this becaus eim still suffering the repercussions of my past influences relationships and my father. I hate the fact that i cant give him 110% everyday like he gives me. he always has. I'm just so scared of not lasting with the person i am truly in love with. the one person I can actually see myself getting married to, having a family and a life with. It scares me because im afraid that he will turn out like the rest. That or i will ruin it because of the rest. I haven't really forgiven anyone for the wrong they have done to me to make my ife this way. I haven't truly forgiven my father and i havent truly forgiven my ex boyfriends and i think maybe once i can find peace with that i may find peace within myself. I haven't even forgiven myself for what i let them do to me. I fell into such a bad pattern that i allowed myself to take whatever took to feel love from anyone even if it jeopordized my well being. Then i closed off and sealed myself from everyone. thats not the person i was and thats not the person i want to be anymore. I want to be like i was before the thoughts of my father were to set in before all the abuse....i was bright, funny, happy, i felt beautiful, and i actually felt alive. I dont even feel like im living anymore just doing what it has to take to get me through the day. I go to bed angry, sad and alone and wake up that way. there is so much love i have to offer and so much love people are offering me i cant fully give my love and i know that i cant accept the love given to me because im not giving it back the way i know i could. I know i can love my boyfriend better than i am now as well as my friends and family. But it's so hard to open up. everytime i try it makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to understand and connect with myself on a better level.