give everything away my tears fall my tears fall from my face my world is gone now i was told to leave this place what will you do without me dont you know things will never be the same you can take what you want but i cant give everything away just a few days without you and it seems like a year cant you see im changing i would give everything away for you my dear

If I could tell the world just one thing It would be that we're all OK And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful And useless in times like these I won't be made useless I won't be idle with despair I will gather myself around my faith For light does the darkness most fear My hands are small, I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own And I am never broken Poverty stole your golden shoes It didn't steal your laughter And heartache came to visit me But I knew it wasn't ever after We'll fight, not out of spite For someone must stand up for what's right 'Cause where there's a man who has no voice There ours shall go singing My hands are small I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own I am never broken In the end only kindness matters In the end only kindness matters I will get down on my knees, and I will pray I will get down on my knees, and I will pray I will get down on my knees, and I will pray My hands are small I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own And I am never broken My hands are small I know But they're not yours, they are my own But they're not yours, they are my own And I am never broken We are never broken We are God's eyes God's hands God's mind We are God's eyes God's hands God's heart We are God's eyes God's hands God's eyes We are God's hands We are God's hands

what the heck does zealous mean? last night was nychole's suprise birthday party. it was awesome because she had no idea!!! i stayed the night and we made videos and i slept in her warm bed with her cat. hahahahaha we were really hyper. i met her grandma and she adopted me so that was great. hahah she's giving me her old cell phone. this is why i love nychole. hahahahaha on thursday at school i wore my gym uniform (too bad im in weight training) to school and everybody was flipping out like they have never seen this uniform outside of the locker room before. i think its kind of funny how much people talk about me when i barely do anything for people to talk about. oh well. i love you jessica simpson and i hope you had a good birthday party. by the way ... i still have to get you a birthday gift. ill get it today. hahahaha p.s. if youre gonna leave a comment thats fine but how about we leave a name. ok mother truckers!

this day sucks. the only reason this day was created was to give guys a big reminder to thank their wife for putting up with their shit. this day is ONLY great when you have someone. which in my case it seems as if this "holiday" will forever suck. no its not just another monday its a dumb ass reminder that i dont have anybody. while everybody else is out having fun with their significant other im here thinking about all of the reasons why people dont want to be with me. and the list just gets longer and longer. no this entry isnt supposed to be a pitty for the lonely ass courtney this entry is just a reminder that im alone on yet another holiday why does valentines make you think of all your past relationships? im sittin here thinking about some really bad boy friends but then there is one that i cant seem to get out of my head. some of you wouldnt even consider us as being boyfriend and girlfriend but i do and i REGRET what i did. i really realize exactly how much i messed things up this time... i know you wont even read this and you probably wont even think that im writing this about you so why am i even bothering? if you made it this far to the enrty... congrats to you because this is all a bunch of pointless shit that makes up my life. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...

so here I am sitting in the corner crying every tear falling from my eyes is meant for YOU I know you dont care any more thats what HURTS the most how could you do this to me I thought you loved me but now I know you were lying I pick up the blade that lies beside me I see my reflection look what you have made me become I slowly slit deeper and deeper I feel like im alive IM ALL ALONE the blood starts pouring running down my arm you were my life but now your gone so I geuss I will have to go too...

what is the point of anything? seriously. if we actually try at anything whether we actually try hard or just bull shit our way through it. where is it going to lead us? its like we put all of this effort into life when all we are waiting for is to die. we all are told to dream big and set goals. and we are taught that we can be anything that we want to be. that saying fucking sucks and you want to know why that saying sucks. because its not true. i also hate it when people are say you can only go up from here. thats not true either and you want to know why? because you can go back down AGAIN! i hate it when people are like oh courtney its ok everything is going to be ok youll have better days how in the hell do you know? i give up there is no point to anything ever...

life has been kindof sucky lately. im excited that i had a good birthday party. and im glad that this year is almost over and im also glad that i made some new friends this year... (kate, christian, brett, kathy, chris, allison, tory, ian, cynthia, devin, noel, charley, garett, anicka, steven, britney, amanda, alan, and im really excited that i got to get even closer to my best friend (at hse) nychole. i love her so much. being 18 is good. so far... i got into a car accident yesterday after school. i had charley, nychole, and shannon in my car. i was driving along and the car in front of me braked so i braked too but i was on ice and the car went faster and the person behing me didnt even brake at all. we got the "ping -pong affect" and it hurt like a mother fucker. i felt so bad because i couldnt get to nychole. i was freaking out. everbody ended up being ok. i think we all went to the hospital except charley. hes fine. my back doors wouldnt open, my trunk wouldnt open, the trunk was somehow smashed so much that it went into my back tires so much that my back tires wouldnt even move. im just glad that we are ok. it could have been much worse. kindof reminds us of how precious life it. life is too short to not have fun and to not tell people how you feel about them youll just regret it if you dont. i mean it! so for me being alive i guess that i should thank someone...

today is my birthday. it doesnt really feel like my birthday today because the party was last night. but i am 18 now. i dont feel older and i ESPECIALLY dont act 18. thank you to all of those who came to my birthday party. and thank you to all of those of you who got me presents. and thank you to those who told me happy birthday. and if you did all 3 of these things. i REALLY thank you!

i couldnt tell you why she felt that way she felt it EVERYDAY and I COULDNT help her i just watched her make the same MISTAKES again whats wrong whats wrong now too many too many PROBLEMS dont know where she belongs where she belongs she wants to go home but nobodys home its where she lies BROKEN inside with no place to go no place to go to dry her eyes broken inside her FEELINGS she hides her DREAMS she cant find shes LOSING her mind shes FALLEN behind she CANT find her place shes LOSING her FAITH shes FALLEN from GRACE shes all over the place shes just a mistake...

recently things have been kind of crapy. just to say the least. im almost 18. and i think my party might be good. im looking forward to it. i went to church today. (wearing my re-used name tag.) (still have it on) that was pretty sweet. christian was there. sweet action. i collected name tags and passed out invitations. "look. its an invitation." then we went out to eat lunch @ o' charlies. almost didnt make it there because my car spun out it was a good thing that a crazy biker/runner guy came to my rescue. christian and i just laughed. then i went home and cleaned (what else is new?) and then i went over to christians. christian got me a SCAPER. is that how you spell it? not a squeedgie. im glad i have a real one now. not some poser. pshh *brushes off shoulders. i just want to say thanks to the few people who stand by me (i know its hard) and understand me or at least try to. thank you for helping me get through the tough times that i have to struggle with. i love you guys.

when the sun came up we were sleeping in sunk inside our blankets sprawled across the bed and we were dreaming yhere are moments when when I know it and the world revolves around us and were keeping it keeping it all going this delicate balance vulnerable all knowing sing like you think no ones listening you would kill for this just a little bit just a little bit you would kill for this sing like you think no one's listening you would kill for this just a little bit just a little bit you would you would sing me something soft sad and delicate or loud and out of key sing me anything were glad for what we've got done with what we've lost our whole lives laid out right in front of us sing like you think no ones listening you would kill for this just a little bit just a little bit you would sing like you think no ones listening you would kill for this just a little bit just a little bit you would you would sing me something soft sad and delicate or loud and out of key sing me anything im in serious shit and i feel totaly lost if im asking for help its only because being with you has opened my eyes i could ever believe a perfect suprise i keep asking myself keep wondering how i keep closing my eyes but i cant block you out want to fly through your dreams where its just you and me nobody else so we can be free so we can be free...

maybe its the finals speaking but i just feel like ive been running on empty. lack of sleep and test taking just dont go together. sometimes things seem to be going great but then that plan fails and its like why did i even try? you plan so hard on taking a leap and to just miss it. its pretty sucky but im used to it. making plans just lead to dissapointment. i used to make the light shine for you. the sun has left my sky. velvet walls surround my sorrows. ive sacrificed my pride. and your giving up on me... have you ever wondered which hurts the most? saying something and wishing you hadnt or saying nothing and wishing you had? i guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. dont be afraid to tell someone you love them. if you do. they might break your heart. if you dont. you might break theirs. people live & people die. if you died tomorrow. you would be in my heart. would i be in yours?

i thought that christian, marisha, peter, kathy, noel, nychole, ashley, and britney were going to come over tonight and hang out. christian couldnt come over because his parents wouldnt let him. peter wanted to watch the football game. marisha wanted to watch the football game with him. kathy and noel ditched me to go hang out with ian. nychole never called me back. ashley ditched me to go hang out with her brother. britney isnt answering her phone. i hate wanting people to come over because they never do. i know my house sucks and its boring but the least you could do is call me back or answer your phone. i hope my birthday party doesnt end up like this. it wouldnt suprise me if it did. i remember my new years party. i was in the 8th grade. i invited alot of people. my mom said i could only have 50 people over. so i quickly filled up the list with 50 of my friends. new years eve rolled around. not ONE person showed up. not one. this just shows how much of a worthless human being i really am. i told you nobody would care if i died. i know it was just a party and it was in the 8th grade but when people lie to me and tell me that they are going to do something with me and then go out of there way to make other plans to not be with me really just fucking sucks ass. dont even bother showing up for my funeral.

school went soooo slow today. i had my speech after school it went sooo well and i am so excited about that. finally done and over with. i went to strong hold with christian (gregg), marisha, and peter. it was soo much fun. i love the drums. gregg....you still have to babysit me...

you can talk to no one but still talk b/c your mind is having an outloud conversation w/ you. oh my gosh, you're like courtney! -marisha

13 days until i can drive people. (legally) 20 days until my killer birthday party. 21 days until my birthday. some number of days until i graduate. some number of days until i have my open house. some number of days until i have my graduation party. woot woot i am happy...

what a great way to start off the new year. christian had this AWESOME party! the attendance list is as follows: christian (first on my list) marisha peter kate landon leigh ann carl andrea and jake (who i think hates me) those are the only people i knew and they all spent the night. it was so funny because everybody took turns sleeping like we were keepin eye on the house or something. i am so tired. im excited about my birthday party this year. and my graduation party. and other parties that i might attend. haha. im gonna go to sleep now.

please pray for supermodel Petra Nemcova. she survived the terrifying Asian tsunami by clinging to the top of a palm tree for eight hours - wincing through the pain of a broken pelvis and haunted by the sight of her boyfriend being swept out to sea. her boyfriend, Simon Atlee, 33, is still missing. please pray for all of the people affected by this. http://www.pnemcova.kmmod.com/ http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/266012p-227820c.html the death toll in the Indian Ocean tsunami disaster soared above 120,000 on thursday. i was waiting for so long for a miracle to come everyone told me to be strong hold on and dont shed a tear through the darkness and good times i knew id make it through and the world thought i had it all but i was waiting for you Hush now... i see a light in the sky its almost blinding me i cant believe ive been touched by an angel with love let the rain come down and wash away my tears let it fill my soul and drown my fears let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun a new day has... come where it was dark now theres light where there was pain now theres joy where there was weakness I found my strength all in the eyes of a boy hush now...

~You don't know that God is all that you need, until God is all that you got. ~Thank God for what you have. Trust God for what you need. ~I believe in God like I believe in the sun; Not because I see it, but because of it, I see everything! ~God does not choose the equipped. He equips the chosen ~I'll give up ... tomorrow. ~Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 "Salvation from our enemies, and from the hand of all who hate us." Luke 1:71 "GOD is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalms 46:1 "He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds." Psalms 147:3 Behold, the LORD's hand is not so short that it cant save; nor is His ear so dull that it cant hear thanks matt

tonight was yet another great night spent with christian. marisha. and peter. we were gonna watch the new guy until i called out a dance off with christian. he totaly won. but im still the best drummer. NOT. i totaly am loving my gift too. you guys are the best. now i can move to canada (with you know who) and not get lost and spell correctly and look hip and hot with my cool purse. then we watched csi. i kind of followed it. (side talking with christian) ya know how we roll. (i have lice) hahah. and then we watched the new guy. best movie ever! boo yah. then peter left in the middle of it. and we kind of mocked the new guy and video taped it. ahahah. "do you want a bowl of chili?" "you should eat this" (pulls out cream chese) "or you can eat this..." (pulls out butter) "we have both." hahahha. marisha got "poop" on her shirt. and i said the funniest pun (did i spell that right) (hold on) (let me check in my handy dandy speller book) ever! courtney-"im hungry" "i think im really craving some of your nuts." (reffering to the bowl of chocolate coverd nuts). christian just kindof gave me a weird look and then i died laughing. hahahah i didnt get home until 3:00am. (hence the name of the title) id better go to sleep if were gonna go to good will and i have to go to work and then go to the movies after work. bye yall!