8:46 PM goooddd!!!! i am FREEZING! lol. but hey its the middle of december, in southern cali..should i really be complaining?! today and the past few days have been ok. ive lost some weight due to stress. i think im ok tho! =) i could lose a few more..lol yesterday was a little scary. and i freaked out. this whole divorce thing is so hideous. it makes me cringe. i dont understand why it costs more to get a divorce than to get married. yuck. at least doug is being super excellent about the whole thing. he is willing to do whatever to make sure that we are both happy and satisfied. =) i couldnt ask for him to be any better than he has been. its a miracle, and it really shows how much he cares about me. its so nice getting along with him and actually enjoying each others company. he even said last night "i really DO like it better like this" it made me smile. and made me feel so much better about the whole thing. not like i was some crazy psycho bitch who was ruining his life. you know we all have feelings and feel the way that we feel. of course this process is hard, not to mention complicated..but i feel a certain way and i have to live by that. especially, in order to be happy. =) as for other things...my dad has not been the nicest person lately. my entire life he has just pointed out what im doing wrong and my flaws. it makes me so self conscious. i hate it. but what can i do...? its not like i can be like FUCK YOU! i mean, i live with him. and i think he holds that as leverage sometimes...i dont know. im tired of him telling me what to do and how to do it. like i have certain friends that he doesnt like and hes all telling me not to talk to them! im like wtf. its bullshit, im almost 20 years old. i can handle my own and make good decisions. whatever. i just have to ignore him and work around it. this too shall pass. i really just need to keep a positive outlook to keep my head above water. tomorrow night is our x-mas party for work! booze cruise! im sooo excited!! free alcohol, for 2 hours?! who wouldnt be! the only shitty thing is, its going to be FREEZING and i cant get too drunk because i work on thursday. oh well...we'll see what happens!! =) night night<33

9:37 PM today was an AMAZING day. well, until i talked to doug. and i dont mean that as in it was bad, it just..got emotional. we finally discussed what needed to be discussed-was i staying or was i leaving? obviously you all know what that decision was. but it was time to face up and say it to him. i was absolutely amazed at the courage and bravery of this man. he took everything so well, and was completely understanding. who knew?! i am so grateful for his heart and his love for me. it takes alot of love to accept someone for who they are, especially when it doesnt benefit you. i do love him dearly. i mean how could i not? he gave me a beautiful daughter that i brought into this world, who we now share. as sad as i am to see this end at my expense, i think a new beginning for us is in store. =) i feel in my heart that we are going to become the best of friends. closer than most i have had throughout my life. and there is nothing more i can ask for, other than his happiness. as well as my daughters, and my own. he deserves someone who loves him. and i mean LOVE loves him. in the complete and utter romantic way that we all want and dream about. he is an amazing person, and deserves someone who can appreciate that-in that way. and unfortunately, thats not me. BUT that doesnt mean that i dont appreciate him, because i really do, with all my heart, just not in the way that he wants. fact of the matter is, i AM gay. i know i am. thats something i cannot change. so therefore, i must deal with. im scared to death to try and take this path once again..but i know i have so much support and love around me, that its worth every bit of struggle and hardship. i know ill get through it. i always do. and i just hope that all the people that i love, know that i love them and that i appreciate all their love and support. whether it be my parents, my friends, or doug... i wouldnt make it without them. tomorrow is a start for new beginnings. im looking forward to the beginning of the rest of my life.

12:46 PM work is so fucking boring. I don't want to be here, and I have such a bad headache. ughhhh. well, good news is, my mom and I had a really good heart to heart yesterday. I told her how I was feeling, and the main reason for doug and I's separation. and she made a lot of sense with her opinion. she was like , "well a straight person would not be dealing with these feelings and emotions" and I told her she was right. and she said, " I love you and support you no matter what..and you need to just not give a fuck about what anyone thinks about you!" then she smiled and gave me a huge hug. haha, my mom fucking rocks. I love her so much. she told me this morning that she didn't tell me dad about our conversation last night, and I could tell him if I wanted. but I really don't feel like explaining it all over again. it was hard enough the first time! even though, my parents have known for about 5 years that I have liked women. so its nothing new. but the fact that I think I am completely gay rather than bisexual has never really been seriously discussed. sooo its all about support and love. and loving yourself enough to live out your own truth no matter what anyone thinks. its all about happiness in the end. and we are the only ones who have control of that. its time to start living this life for me.

3:22 PM im so fucking tired. i didnt sleep at all last night. and i just feel like shit. im so sad/depressed/achy/tired/etc.. doug came and picked up shane a little bit ago. god, thats always so awkward. i have so much fear in me. i dont know why. with the days the anxiety has gotten worse. i cant eat i cant sleep i cant function normally. its so frustrating. i have no will to do anything. i think i need to go hang out with my friends and break away from all this, just for a little while. my dad and sister are arguing, ahhh just another day at the house. blah. i think i might go watch my bro play soccer..but its going to be fucking cold and i dont know if i want to be out in that weather...cuz i already feel like shit. ughhh im so fucking annoyed. my sister needs to SHUTUP. fuck. i gotta go. peace out.

10:07 PM the last episode of tila tequila was on tonight before the finale! its down to bobby and dani... dani dani dani dani dani. lesbian much? i dont know why i dont just accept the fact that i am a fucking lesbian and stop caring so much about society and how this could affect my family. its about my happiness...and i know im in a fucked up situation.. being married having a kid etc etc... shiiiit...its all so complicated and just because i dont want to deal with the bullshit and dont want to hurt someone is NOT a justifiable reason to compromise happiness-and when i say that, it goes for anyone! i would NOT want someone doing that for me. there are so many factors involved. and one simple decision. i need to grow some balls. am i always going to live this life for others and what i think they want me to be? or be who i want to be and not care, and be happy...and having a fulfilling life? its really hard sometimes to differentiate self-love and selfishness. tonight on my way home from keli's house, i was all alone in my car and i realized at that moment that i was content. i was content-exactly where i was at that very moment. driving, alone, in my car. and i smiled. for the first time in a long time i smiled to myself and felt this little sense of warmth and comfort that i hadnt felt in a long time. it was so reassuring and satisfying. i think it helped that keli's mom was straight up with me and gave her opinion. sometimes you just need someone to tell you the way it is. and the reality that they see. because from the outside, they have a better view than from where youre standing. i trust leann's judgment. i mean shit, ive known her for the majority of my life, i think i can give her a little credit in knowing me, and knowing (from what theyve seen) what she believes will make me happy. but ultimately, it is my decision and her words are only a mere opinion. im not disregarding her by any means but im in noway basing my decision solely on one persons observations. life is all a learning process. there are no mistakes. with that in mind, it helps make more sense of the mess in my head. at the end of the day, i still do not have a set decision as to what i need to do, for me...but i have an idea, and thats a start. its one day at a time. and right now, i can be happy with that. everything will happen for a reason and life will take its course, and work itself out..in whatever way that may be. i just need to enjoy it for what it is, even during this time. because i dont want to miss it. life is short, no matter the circumstances of it. i dont ever want to feel like i didnt do everything i could to make the best of it. for myself, or my daughter. and i really need to remember that.

10:09 PM i got in a fucking accident today. yeah go figure. shane is being difficult tonight, she doesnt want to fall asleep. yuck I feel like everything just keeps getting worse around me. or just more chaotic. my patience is running thin. i need a break. i need SLEEP!!! and nothing i feel has changed. I wouldnt consider today a good day. so ill leave it at that.

9:08 AM so i know that i moved back home so i could have no distractions or influences in making a decision about my marriage..but i think i only found more distractions here. its early morning and ive already made some plans today. my good friend carley (who is pregnant right now) is coming to hang out with me some time soon, and i think my best friend keli (who ALSO happens to be preggo!) will probably come over as well. and we'll all talk about our bullshit and ill probably cry. yuck. but even distractions cant help you avoid reality. i need some god damn answers. like now. shane is watching tv, content as can be. aw to be a child. id give anything for that now. i should get in the shower, i need to get cleaning and get my things sorted out in the guest room! looks like a tornado occurred. arrrrggghhh. i need to smoke some weed. maybe then ill feel some relief. haha. alright..let the day begin!

11:25 PM i cant sleep. my mom even gave me a nerve pill for the anxiety and i still cant relax. i just..want not to think anymore. my emotions are definitely getting the best of me. but i should try and lay down-at least make an attempt to sleep. i really need it.

10:06 PM its day 3 of our separation and its come and gone. and still, i feel no positive reassurance for my actions, feelings or decisions. im eternally exhausted. i wish i had a better grip these days..ever since shane was born, i seem to have lost myself somehow. ive caught myself up in these roles of mother and wife and over the past 6 months have begun molding myself into someone i am not, based on the definitions of these roles-the obligations and responsibilities. dont get the wrong idea, i love my daughter and my husband is a great father and has many many decent qualities of a human being..but we all have our flaws and i believe that BOTH his and mine, tend to get the best of us-when the romanticism is brought into play. bringing it down to the MAIN reason in which we are separated and the reason why i have made these decisions to take this time to self reflect- i have been bisexual my entire life, you know i have had some not so pleasant things occur in my life, leading me to have trust issues and other related issues with men in my life. which results in one dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship after another. and ive found myself more and more aware of how much more i want to be with a woman than a man. im young. i still have a lot of self dicovery to go through, and with the pressures of being a mom and a wife, it really has overwhelmed me. and now here i am. sad. a basket case. filled with guilt. i cant even begin to sort through the thoughts and emotions im feeling. and all i can feel now is frustration! i just sob and sob. to the point that i dont even know why im crying anymore. bottom line- i want what any normal human being wants, and that is to be happy. whats worth keeping? whats worth loosing? whos worth hurting? these are only mere thoughts that i can struggle to try and begin to think and answer. it helps to know that i am not the first person ever to have been in this position or situation. there are plenty of stories and people out there that you hear about that go through similar things. i want to know that when i make the final decision, that it is right. and that i will ultimately find happiness. but who knows.. i believe one of the hardest things in life is making decisions based on the unknown. the future IS the unknown. and im not sure yet what risks im willing to take. reality is harsh. but most of us usually make it. ive been in much worse situations. but the circumstances were less...complicated? there was not a child involved, nor was i in a LEGALLY committed relationship. so many factors. so many questions. so many answers. all with due time i guess. i just have to remember to take it one day at a time.