10:06 PM its day 3 of our separation and its come and gone. and still, i feel no positive reassurance for my actions, feelings or decisions. im eternally exhausted. i wish i had a better grip these days..ever since shane was born, i seem to have lost myself somehow. ive caught myself up in these roles of mother and wife and over the past 6 months have begun molding myself into someone i am not, based on the definitions of these roles-the obligations and responsibilities. dont get the wrong idea, i love my daughter and my husband is a great father and has many many decent qualities of a human being..but we all have our flaws and i believe that BOTH his and mine, tend to get the best of us-when the romanticism is brought into play. bringing it down to the MAIN reason in which we are separated and the reason why i have made these decisions to take this time to self reflect- i have been bisexual my entire life, you know i have had some not so pleasant things occur in my life, leading me to have trust issues and other related issues with men in my life. which results in one dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship after another. and ive found myself more and more aware of how much more i want to be with a woman than a man. im young. i still have a lot of self dicovery to go through, and with the pressures of being a mom and a wife, it really has overwhelmed me. and now here i am. sad. a basket case. filled with guilt. i cant even begin to sort through the thoughts and emotions im feeling. and all i can feel now is frustration! i just sob and sob. to the point that i dont even know why im crying anymore. bottom line- i want what any normal human being wants, and that is to be happy. whats worth keeping? whats worth loosing? whos worth hurting? these are only mere thoughts that i can struggle to try and begin to think and answer. it helps to know that i am not the first person ever to have been in this position or situation. there are plenty of stories and people out there that you hear about that go through similar things. i want to know that when i make the final decision, that it is right. and that i will ultimately find happiness. but who knows.. i believe one of the hardest things in life is making decisions based on the unknown. the future IS the unknown. and im not sure yet what risks im willing to take. reality is harsh. but most of us usually make it. ive been in much worse situations. but the circumstances were less...complicated? there was not a child involved, nor was i in a LEGALLY committed relationship. so many factors. so many questions. so many answers. all with due time i guess. i just have to remember to take it one day at a time.