10:07 PM the last episode of tila tequila was on tonight before the finale! its down to bobby and dani... dani dani dani dani dani. lesbian much? i dont know why i dont just accept the fact that i am a fucking lesbian and stop caring so much about society and how this could affect my family. its about my happiness...and i know im in a fucked up situation.. being married having a kid etc etc... shiiiit...its all so complicated and just because i dont want to deal with the bullshit and dont want to hurt someone is NOT a justifiable reason to compromise happiness-and when i say that, it goes for anyone! i would NOT want someone doing that for me. there are so many factors involved. and one simple decision. i need to grow some balls. am i always going to live this life for others and what i think they want me to be? or be who i want to be and not care, and be happy...and having a fulfilling life? its really hard sometimes to differentiate self-love and selfishness. tonight on my way home from keli's house, i was all alone in my car and i realized at that moment that i was content. i was content-exactly where i was at that very moment. driving, alone, in my car. and i smiled. for the first time in a long time i smiled to myself and felt this little sense of warmth and comfort that i hadnt felt in a long time. it was so reassuring and satisfying. i think it helped that keli's mom was straight up with me and gave her opinion. sometimes you just need someone to tell you the way it is. and the reality that they see. because from the outside, they have a better view than from where youre standing. i trust leann's judgment. i mean shit, ive known her for the majority of my life, i think i can give her a little credit in knowing me, and knowing (from what theyve seen) what she believes will make me happy. but ultimately, it is my decision and her words are only a mere opinion. im not disregarding her by any means but im in noway basing my decision solely on one persons observations. life is all a learning process. there are no mistakes. with that in mind, it helps make more sense of the mess in my head. at the end of the day, i still do not have a set decision as to what i need to do, for me...but i have an idea, and thats a start. its one day at a time. and right now, i can be happy with that. everything will happen for a reason and life will take its course, and work itself out..in whatever way that may be. i just need to enjoy it for what it is, even during this time. because i dont want to miss it. life is short, no matter the circumstances of it. i dont ever want to feel like i didnt do everything i could to make the best of it. for myself, or my daughter. and i really need to remember that.