.... there's nobody here
and I am ok with that,
cause how dreary it could be,
public, like a frog,
to cricket the live long day,
to an admiring blog...
... 1, 2, 3... is there anybody out there....
i thought this sit was down. just for the heck of it i googled it and poof its there. i even somehow remembered my password. its been years
...I’ve seem to have lost myself
many years ago
Often I ask myself
where did the time go?
As I stare into the mirror
I can’t help to not know who that I see?
I fight the quivers as I shiver looking at me...
It’s me, it’s me, its me...
or so it seems,
through all those awkward stares,
all those broken up, stumbled words/sentences.
Fucken moments!
It was me.
I was...
Walk up, wake up, just wake up.
Your not dead yet.
you are not!
Not dead yet!
Go
Just go!
But...
Is it all but a dream within a dream?
I cant make sense of it but it seems to go.
I need control!
I need to wake up.
Its my fcuken life apparently.
What do I want to do?
What the fcuk do I believe in?
I hate it when I let persons down.
I can’t stand it when I create things I don’t follow through on.
I don’t know why I thought just maintaining was good enough?!?!?!?
I lost myself a long time ago but it is not a dream and I do need to walk up...
..its not a joke...
Its funny how im not even jerckin off
Or to build some new thing
Im not goin to try to leave sum artisy fartisy wannabe abstract entry
I just want to say,
Say that I know something bout this mofo
Or I like to think
It was around middle school when the insomnia started to take
I didn’t mind, I had better things to do
I like to think it was good enough for me
It was like this
Round xmas time
Tom hanks was on and some light blew
He said it was santa
Conan said santa was shooting at us
And that was it
I was hookd
Fuck the other guy that use to host the daily show
Conan was the man
And I followed
It got sick
I use to have his show on a timer
Lined up with bill mahar
He and his people boild it down to an art
8min for this, 10min for that, a guest, a skit
Guest, then the band
Sometimes it was off the hook
Other times it was nothing more than someone working
I regret never seein a show in ny
I made a pact with a jackcrack friend to do so
This was when we heard he was takin the tonight show
FUCK LENO, ITS BILL HICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now I cant see him he even though he was just here!
I had a routine
It was getting home
Doin what of my homework I whatd to do
Then getting stone and watching these shows
I cant stress enough how this shaped my early ‘mornings’
I had it all figured out
Shit watchin as conan walks away from his earned show made me think
It be fcuk up if he goes to hbo
It aint 911 anymore
I just hope to see him goin beyond a dead tradition
For me
It will always be the late nite
Rest in peace the tonight show
Conan drifts along
Fuck jay leno
BILL HICKS was a better comedian
N Conan Lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…and looking at a sea ahead…
i think i can, i think i can…
I once had a conversation with a friend; it was about reincarnation. My friend said that if he could come back he would like to be a cow. Reasoning that dairy cows live a life of comfort he goes on to paint a picture of green pastures and blue sunny days. Right off the bat I mention that the majority of cows don’t live a life like he described. I told him most cows live a life of industrial foods and pills, all with their own special time card clocked with a scientific effectiveness. Basic Industry facts. My friend does not eat pork. Then I told him he should try to be more precise. I brought up India; why not come back and be worshipped as a god? He laughed and I asked why he didn’t think of the most common born again creature: A bird. At most with being a bird one could go and do as one wants with the whole sky to call home; at least you would have wings. Going back and forth for some time he finally asked what I would like to come back as after I die. I answered it would be as a whale. I go on to explain that to be able to endure the darkest depths of the sea, and to make it back to the surface as one pleases, that is an existence. It doesn’t matter about the strength of the winds above. It is not about where the currents are going, not where the sun or moon is. All that matters is to do what you gotta do, do it good, and live. Another chapter…
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool
here goes nothing!
...bout a duck in a bottle. It begins with a man that had a lot on his shoulders. The weight was getting more then he could carry. After trying to fix and help everyone and thing else he didn’t really know what to do with himself. He got lost to it all. Then one day he heard a story about this old man that had the answers. This supposed wise man was very far away and was very hard to get to, but he did have all the answers. So upon hearing of this old man he set up to seek him out. Through many valleys and over many mountains he was able to find him. Of all the things he could of ask, he ask “How can I make it a better world.â€
After a long stare the wise man answered “I am going to give you a duck in a bottle, if you can get this duck out alive, without breaking the bottle, I will tell you how to make it better.â€
So with this he goes home with this duck and bottle and tries to figure it out. Doing this and doing that he tries whatever he could to get it done. Nothing seems to work. He goes back to the old wise man and was asked, “did you figure it out?â€
Handing it over he said “not my duck, not my bottle,†and he walked away.
Get what you want from it. I first heard this story many years ago. Rest in peace old timer. Refine it all I guess, time molds, but it is here from now. I don’t know but I like to think I do and I think it is mediocrity.
Damn that mediocrity!
...all folks
thats the end
my fingers bleed enough
my back hurts
and my knees are done
shit
bones stickin out of my chest
but that just sounds better then my shoulder
my eye was filld with blood
and now maybe
the older i grow
i will know
or not
or just a glimpse
and its good to pretend
hey sunshine
what
yea u heard me
sunshine
u are my sunshine...
ok, ok,
u can call me the moon
what?
my best moments are when we eclipse
shit i have been so
pullin out my hair
really
im so glad to have such so much beautiful hair to spare
but have done my time
i like to think
some where else
there be wearin it
better then me
my split ends
my everyday to everyday
the works, the jobs
its like this one person was tellin me
he was like
boy, theres a time that comes and theres no reckoning to be done
what?
yea its goin try to flow to some sort of idea that rolls with this try
what, i do as i go
yea, liar, follow ur lines
and shit
my fingers still bleed
at least they heal up fast
unlike that popin point
i like to think
its funny how somehow
i smash half my face in
and funk few months later
the other one goes too
this pass month i
been so stress out
at best i know how to lay
but not spell
i think i follow the ryhmes in my head
and the tieal
tial
ti something
i hear it
but i cant see it
and it looks good
i could redo one room
but it looks good
call it a learnin ex...
to think to be able
or actully put the time in
build sky scapers?
maybe chicken coops are better
its all easy though
that one time
when it all seemed out of whackd
the doubles seem there
it need no sense
loss it once again
and go with it
shit this has have to be
the longest
tryin to be
redunte
it funny
laugh
my hands are cut
my back is sore
i have done so much
want some more
but i am an
at least?
I may be free of externalities,
But I will never be free of me.
aint that the truth
I wonder what thoughts she had after she got out the car and got in her house. I wonder what she thinks now since then. I haven't called. I won't. And I know she won't so I'll leave it at that. But damn do I wish she felt the same way about me. Maybe she did once upon a time... I am such a loser I could never tell when a girl was into me. I never got the hints I guess. It's all done now though, time for a change.
Me. I read through all my old entries and enjoyed every minute of it. It helped me get through the night and doing this entry, on the third night, will do the same. I am not that boy anymore and I am ready to be a man. I am going to clean up my act. These last three days I have been real good, I have been coming to terms about myself and what I want. I want to be healthy not only physical but mentally. I can not be living the way I have been living. A year in a half ago I wanted to but was not ready. I am ready now.
Sitdiary. I don't remember what I googled to find this place. I am glad I did. I am glad that I was able to type so many great people, like you, even if it all slipped away. I am glad that I was able to meet one of you, whom ,I like to think, I sent my letters of innocents to. I have changed so much. I am glad I still talk to one of you on the phone, who I can bitch my problems to, whom I sent my letters of despair to. I am glad that I am able to read of who I was and able to write who I am.
Life. It scares the fuck out of me; it will always, but I still have to step up to the plate. I can't strike out without taking a swing. Maybe I'll grow old with a great career and a great famly. Maybe I'll grow old with nothing but bad habits. Maybe I'll have a great career but two broken marrages or maybe with nothing but a great woman. I don't know, but it is going to be something to find out. Isn't it?
Love. What does that mean to say that to a person? I'm not sure what I meant when I told her. I just know what it felt like when I decided I have to do it and started to practice: an intense high; my eyes got watery, light-headed, shortness of breath; its like my heart stopped. I wish there was one for everyone, but that doesn't seem to be the case. When intense feelings come up, it is almost never mutual, so one settles for compatibility and trys to make it work.
to bad
i hope theyre not loss
i like these comments from my old entires...
why deny the fact that im one of those person that must start over again and again till i hit rockbottem why delay it but then again do i still want that i mean i think i want something with more substance not artificial paradise i want menories that i can remenber and without feelings of shame guilt and what not i dont know i really dont know mabe i shall join up and serve community college just doesnt seem right right now i mean my fellow citizens are over there right now and are fighting and dieing while im home safe blessed not sleeping reading all night screwing up steering aimlessly on to the future i think i want more but i am not sure how to go about it or even what more even is
from 2d outline of box
around winter 04/spring 05?
i was 17
One thing people say about drugs is that u will find things while on them only to lose what u found out the next day when u are off the fun. That u do it its done and u can’t ever get anything meaningful from it.
Not true.
From relapse
spring 05/summer
To you
I surrender
body, mind, and soul.
You have defeated me
every possible
abstract, tangible way.
I am yours
Do as u please.
From love
spring 05/summer
why is there evil in this world
?
like
it there is a god that is all powerful all knowing and all good
why did 6million jews and other have to be murderd
?
for the greater good
?
what the fuck
!!!
from weird
fall 05
i been with christine for like only 3 months and were spending christday together
im happy but scared
(think thats an underlining theme to me?)
mabe but i dont think its too fast
From a little less
winter 05
what the fuck man really woman are fuckin crazyer then racoons and racoons are fuckin crazy
from sometimes
spring 06
but im a fake poser and pussy so mabe i wont
mabe ill just try to endure this life
or new one
or this one
or mabe that one
or none
fuck it
im just so sad all the time
so depress
i dont know
well yea
peace
from leap of faith
spring/ summer 06
i cant go on like this
i cant keep doing the crazy shit i do
or can i
i mean what do i want out of life?
i dont know anymore
so many things have change
so yea
life goes on
fuck it!
From almost died
summer/fallish 06
its like i am just so damn young and inmature and not capable of doing anything right or along the right line or something
but then now…
but then i just start thinkin about shit and it all goes to shit
but then it doesnt
like why am i not happy
like i jump up and down laughing out my lungs
all the time
and like things are sort of going well
so fuck God when will i know this is the right road
the right path or what ever shit man
i just want to know....
from trailer it
fall 06
damn like i changed alot since startin this diary i have
yep
im glad though
im glad that i still have room to grow to better my reality
im glad that i went thru what i did this year
i am stronger
im glad i have a family that loves me and puts up with my crazies
im glad i have my health or alive
im glad that u are readin this
im glad that i can get a card for weed
im glad that i saw all the shit i saw
this my life and i hope urs is not a fuckin tv show nothing goes as we plan and nothing is fairy tale i saw sufferin i suffered i know of what its like for others that have not much and i feel for them the most and envy them too
i want to feel more this new year then ever before
i know u could argue that this last year i felt more then before but i think ur missin the point
that was one way:
down
i felt the extreme of depression and self-loathing
now is the time to turn around and try other way cause i think this is what im lookin for
but Who knowns?
i will get in shape…
i plan on cuting down i cancer sticks…
i want to create more
i want to be more organized
i want to stop wantin and just be
i am....
from New year
Winter 06?
i think
I read through them all
it made me feel real good
im going to go try to fall asleep
I really did it
This whole night!
It was my night!
I told her
I did
She knows I love her
That’s it
This whole last week I been reciting
Over and over again
With bloody eyes and tears
To the mirror
I have been so scared
But now she knows
Heart pumping faster again,
Out of breath,
Light headed,
With no control over my eyes
This feeling takes over,
More then I can describe,
But she knows
To a point
I like to think
I had it all planed out
But it never seems to go that route
But then again,
It’s just how it was meant to be
I pictured me just going to her work
Today or yesterday
(the day does not start for me till the sun raise)
Walkin in there and getin it if off my chest
I wanted to tell her and walk away but
Her boss was there and was watchin our ass
Ate some good food
And shit followed us there
And yea
It turned out better then my dreams could make for me
I made sure I did
I did tell her
I had wanted to say this”
You know that I have always loved you right
More then anything this world has to give
More then myself
And for a long time I have been scared of this but
Im not scared awaymore
I want you to know this
For a while I have been trying to make u hate me
And to think that I have be succeeding
Scares the fuck out of me
More then anything
I aways want u to be part of my life
If not there next by my side, then a phone call away cause
I never want to lose u
And I sit here type my songs
With no more true regrets
I know and u
Will know
That the songs has been here
They wont leave
No worries
I Am Free
That is it…
... by the Terminator!!!
i love sayin this
its my shinin moment in my storm
shit! how many people can say such a thing
well, yea, about 22,000
and i hope this bit of absurdity will comfort those that are deeply afected by this cause this sum serious shit
i dont know what to think of this summer
it started out so a to b then c and 1,2,3 and the fan just keeps getin the best of me
and yea
i got really behind in my class
i didnt go buy the books
i thought i could get by
my friend bought the books
we were suppose to be like a team, i guess
help each other
but i mostly blame myself why that couldnt happen
i think i love her
i just need to accept it, i guess
one book sort of got me, i think
i didnt do workd
when your already out of breath its hard to sprint again
and the last paper
shit, i wish i could of made my pamphlet
cause if then i was to fail
i would still be content
i wanted to do it on what i feel passionate about
drum roll please... yes, fuckin bicycles
i am a loser but a happy one most of the time
it would of been something
i know its dry but it just needed a little rum to make it fun and puns and so many other techniques
and it would of been sweet
even if i failed
i would at least been true to myself
but no
and i dont know
a c or worse
i cant get a b
i know that at least
well i did get a c
and is happy as can be
i type the above on the 3rd
now its the 7th
the next 2 semesters are goin to be tough
but hopefully in the end i get 2 AAs
one in history and
one in philosophy and
their not even my major
at least not yet
im so funny
im goin to take classes at a higher university for a ba in philosophy followin the law path while
at the same time go back at place im at now for geology
i will eventually get a ba in that and not philosophy then
im thinkin of takin off
maybe to alaska
make a fortune then come home
i wish
but maybe
i wanna get some experience in petroleum
then come home
get job that i just lost
save money
get ba in philosophy
and then hopefully before im 35 become a lawyer
think about it
a lawyer with 10 years of petroleum production experience
i would love to work with the government
like the epa
that would be cool
im such a nerd
we will see though
time will tell and
life will happen...
i got sum tattoos a few weeks after i turnd 21
i havent typed about it here and thought now is good time
i really like them i will get more
it was a trip today
i was volunteering at the bike kicten
got no job might as well do something good
and i gave friend a ride home
he is main mechanic he is like 50
a nice guy
a good guy
and he was so down today
just piss off at everything
and he was talkin about getin old
it made me feel something i dont know what
we are all goin to get old
our youthful sexy bodies are goin to get old
and then we die but
before that people that are important to us will die first
we will look in the mirror and remember what we use to look like
it will be a journey to death that will have ups and downs with pit holes and broken images but more importantly with moments of heaven simply sublime
just make the best of it, i guess
oh well
like i having tired this path
but maybe rabites will be coming out of my hat ha ah yea
the whole week the whole..
trying to find it again
that madness
wait just wait till there can be no other but my mistakes
my fault just mine to wait till there the end
damn here again i waited
and put off
and ran for it and got at least 2 for sure Bs
ha
bullshit i just run it like an iron fisted champion
an irond willd fuck up
and 2 Bs
ha
like to think that 3 three bs
and mabe just mabe 4 bs cause that would be so much better and yea
but the story of my life but i did not shape up like i been complaining to myself
i created my own hell
nothing else is new? ha
and i have to take it as it is
the feeling of relief breaths
oh well im not there yet
1 more year
so many ideas
and yea
i got my letter and i am just a bit dissapoited
i guess
i couldnt really get on it
i couldnt really do like i said i could do
what is my problem?
me
thats it
oh well
i still feel like singin
i still feel like breathin
i still feel like fukin it up cause so so much more different and fucked up that i cant explaind
growin up happens and it shall be imbraced and when the time comes
it shall surely be seen
dont get me wrong
cause once again
i created my own hell...
happy day to all
hope all went well
besides me being late
i trip out on ok
three oks and the last was the best
really
wow
i cease to amaze myself
thats good i guess
i still have it in me
really thought i lost it
its coming back i guess
mabe when bare it all with no reget
random things keep showin up
and its there?
2 aa's
not the meetin's ahahahahahahhaha
philosophy and history
sounds like right path?
30units to go
3 semesters planed
shit
this much time
best be geting some damn worth!
need more info though
mabe monday i can get it
the fire been burnin and i need to burn
I think i am so its all go i guess
waiting and waiting sucks cause its like the end of life and then its known and nothing more then thats
and
its the same cause if it wasnt then why am im typeing here and can proof read some of it only some of it and it goes
cause what else is there
today is my day tomarrow is my marrow the next is my next and i cant ask for more cause why would i wnat to i cant go on what was givin to me y should i should i repeat again and u are my friend get lost i never cared for most of this here danceing songs god i love to dance and song but it cant end and the beginninhg is here if one can find it and throw it away cause why shall it be this way when so many other chances can go an come and flow what it realy needs to be cause this is me
fr my soul it bleeds
fr the depts
fr the matter
fcuk everything else
cause
im not dead yet@@#!!!!
then ill be 21
its kind of scary
shit im already a drunk fcuk
thinkin of leaving las vegas
good movie
is that what im suppose to do
21 go to vegas
yea
no i dont think so
getting old all down hill from here
who gets excited about getting any other age
yea
i really need to stop typing here drunk
shit ill be comin on here sometimes and see a new entry and be like wtf
i need to get this monkey undercontrol
its not goin anywhere and neither is i
school really stress me out
i dont know why
it comes easy
shit im smart
i have made bad decisions
we all do
time is my enemy and my friend
need to learn how to manage it better
sometimes it all be good and on it then it hits the fan
movtivation would help i think
whats my movtivation?
still waitin to hear bout that job openin
b so sick if i get it
everyweekend at the beach
oh my God!
movtivation hahah
i guess
this month i should know what happens
there was like 3 other people applyin
i know i got at least one q wrong
i like to think i got it but other people applying could very well have more qualifications
rebuilding my bike
something im excited about
the first bike i ever bought
its all black now
goin to redo it all
20 year old bike going to be as if it was brand new
i find this like a methophor for me
its crazy how life is
i mean its happenin
little by little
its all comin together
im workin for it
chasin it
slowin it will all happen
and i see that its good
crazy is as crazy does
fcuk it!
till im 21
i dont really want to do anything
kind of scared
shit im already a drunk
now ill be 21
thinking of leaving lost vegas
its a good movie
the thing to do is suppose to go to vegas
but i dont c the point really
wow vegas 21 wow
naw fuck that shit
i really need to stop typing here drunk
shit
sometimes i come here and see an entry and be like what the fuck
i think this is it
21 next month need to get this monkey undercontrol
cause its not goin anywhere and either is me so yea i need that
school really stress me out
i dont know why
it comes so easy to me
shit im smart
i make bad decision
we all do
time is my enemy and best friend
fuckin time
i cant seem to manage it
it will go good for a while then it hits the fan
motivation is lackin
i think that is the problem
i still waiting bout that job openin
that be so sick if i could get it
at the beach everyweekend
direction ahahha
i guess
i rebuilding my bike
i hella excited to do that shit
at least something
its all black now
going repolished it all
make it all shiny
a 20 year old bike rebuilt to as if it was new
i think thats cool
yea
i find it like a methophor for me in a way
its crazy how life works out
really
im ready for it
i guess
im doin it
chasin it
looks like slowin its all comin together
and thats good
yea im crazy
crazy is as crazy does
fcuk it!
i had so much to type but now its all left in the wind of forgotten time i guess yea
i type and type and it all flows ot...
some say that time heals all wounds
some say that time is on myside
some say that its all an illusion so dont worry
no worries just joy in all things
like in good and bad, one could suggest and find,or
experiences or life or thats it or whatever,
make what you can of it.
Its yours.
no-one could ever take that from you,
at least, one would think,
and its ok.
the first day of logic we were asked to write down 3 beliefs we had.
i came up with two:
!the sun will raise tomarrow
@that people are basically good
and then he ask to prove why one should believe in that
the first one i thought of that quote 'as the sun make it new, day by day make it new, yet again make it,'
like come on, always keep it new, always keep it changing cause who wants the same as it was, is, and going to be. why!
its not like it cant evolve, change or mabe thats how it is simply.
i could of easily said that
but what bout the second one>?
well thats the one that gets challenged all the time, i wanted to say, thats the one the hardest to prove, or thats the one i would never stop jumpin for,
the one beyond all explanation, i would keep jumpin for.
but i never raised my hand to say what i thought or felt or just for the hell of it to see what it could bring, then again i was ask to write 3 beliefs
and mabe i can see the third.
why cant i believe in myself?
of all the things or stuff one could believe, what should be the first the last the middle the infinite?
now that i think about it,
one should figure that out,
cause couldnt that make a differences?
only time will tell....
yea it is a good day....