.... there's nobody here and I am ok with that, cause how dreary it could be, public, like a frog, to cricket the live long day, to an admiring blog...

... 1, 2, 3... is there anybody out there....

i thought this sit was down. just for the heck of it i googled it and poof its there. i even somehow remembered my password. its been years

...I’ve seem to have lost myself many years ago Often I ask myself where did the time go? As I stare into the mirror I can’t help to not know who that I see? I fight the quivers as I shiver looking at me... It’s me, it’s me, its me... or so it seems, through all those awkward stares, all those broken up, stumbled words/sentences. Fucken moments! It was me. I was... Walk up, wake up, just wake up. Your not dead yet. you are not! Not dead yet! Go Just go! But... Is it all but a dream within a dream? I cant make sense of it but it seems to go. I need control! I need to wake up. Its my fcuken life apparently. What do I want to do? What the fcuk do I believe in? I hate it when I let persons down. I can’t stand it when I create things I don’t follow through on. I don’t know why I thought just maintaining was good enough?!?!?!? I lost myself a long time ago but it is not a dream and I do need to walk up... ..its not a joke...

Its funny how im not even jerckin off Or to build some new thing Im not goin to try to leave sum artisy fartisy wannabe abstract entry I just want to say, Say that I know something bout this mofo Or I like to think It was around middle school when the insomnia started to take I didn’t mind, I had better things to do I like to think it was good enough for me It was like this Round xmas time Tom hanks was on and some light blew He said it was santa Conan said santa was shooting at us And that was it I was hookd Fuck the other guy that use to host the daily show Conan was the man And I followed It got sick I use to have his show on a timer Lined up with bill mahar He and his people boild it down to an art 8min for this, 10min for that, a guest, a skit Guest, then the band Sometimes it was off the hook Other times it was nothing more than someone working I regret never seein a show in ny I made a pact with a jackcrack friend to do so This was when we heard he was takin the tonight show FUCK LENO, ITS BILL HICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now I cant see him he even though he was just here! I had a routine It was getting home Doin what of my homework I whatd to do Then getting stone and watching these shows I cant stress enough how this shaped my early ‘mornings’ I had it all figured out Shit watchin as conan walks away from his earned show made me think It be fcuk up if he goes to hbo It aint 911 anymore I just hope to see him goin beyond a dead tradition For me It will always be the late nite Rest in peace the tonight show Conan drifts along Fuck jay leno BILL HICKS was a better comedian N Conan Lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…and looking at a sea ahead… i think i can, i think i can… I once had a conversation with a friend; it was about reincarnation. My friend said that if he could come back he would like to be a cow. Reasoning that dairy cows live a life of comfort he goes on to paint a picture of green pastures and blue sunny days. Right off the bat I mention that the majority of cows don’t live a life like he described. I told him most cows live a life of industrial foods and pills, all with their own special time card clocked with a scientific effectiveness. Basic Industry facts. My friend does not eat pork. Then I told him he should try to be more precise. I brought up India; why not come back and be worshipped as a god? He laughed and I asked why he didn’t think of the most common born again creature: A bird. At most with being a bird one could go and do as one wants with the whole sky to call home; at least you would have wings. Going back and forth for some time he finally asked what I would like to come back as after I die. I answered it would be as a whale. I go on to explain that to be able to endure the darkest depths of the sea, and to make it back to the surface as one pleases, that is an existence. It doesn’t matter about the strength of the winds above. It is not about where the currents are going, not where the sun or moon is. All that matters is to do what you gotta do, do it good, and live. Another chapter… No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; Am an attendant lord, one that will do To swell a progress, start a scene or two, Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool, Deferential, glad to be of use, Politic, cautious, and meticulous; Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse; At times, indeed, almost ridiculous— Almost, at times, the Fool here goes nothing!

...bout a duck in a bottle. It begins with a man that had a lot on his shoulders. The weight was getting more then he could carry. After trying to fix and help everyone and thing else he didn’t really know what to do with himself. He got lost to it all. Then one day he heard a story about this old man that had the answers. This supposed wise man was very far away and was very hard to get to, but he did have all the answers. So upon hearing of this old man he set up to seek him out. Through many valleys and over many mountains he was able to find him. Of all the things he could of ask, he ask “How can I make it a better world.” After a long stare the wise man answered “I am going to give you a duck in a bottle, if you can get this duck out alive, without breaking the bottle, I will tell you how to make it better.” So with this he goes home with this duck and bottle and tries to figure it out. Doing this and doing that he tries whatever he could to get it done. Nothing seems to work. He goes back to the old wise man and was asked, “did you figure it out?” Handing it over he said “not my duck, not my bottle,” and he walked away. Get what you want from it. I first heard this story many years ago. Rest in peace old timer. Refine it all I guess, time molds, but it is here from now. I don’t know but I like to think I do and I think it is mediocrity. Damn that mediocrity!

...all folks thats the end my fingers bleed enough my back hurts and my knees are done shit bones stickin out of my chest but that just sounds better then my shoulder my eye was filld with blood and now maybe the older i grow i will know or not or just a glimpse and its good to pretend hey sunshine what yea u heard me sunshine u are my sunshine... ok, ok, u can call me the moon what? my best moments are when we eclipse shit i have been so pullin out my hair really im so glad to have such so much beautiful hair to spare but have done my time i like to think some where else there be wearin it better then me my split ends my everyday to everyday the works, the jobs its like this one person was tellin me he was like boy, theres a time that comes and theres no reckoning to be done what? yea its goin try to flow to some sort of idea that rolls with this try what, i do as i go yea, liar, follow ur lines and shit my fingers still bleed at least they heal up fast unlike that popin point i like to think its funny how somehow i smash half my face in and funk few months later the other one goes too this pass month i been so stress out at best i know how to lay but not spell i think i follow the ryhmes in my head and the tieal tial ti something i hear it but i cant see it and it looks good i could redo one room but it looks good call it a learnin ex... to think to be able or actully put the time in build sky scapers? maybe chicken coops are better its all easy though that one time when it all seemed out of whackd the doubles seem there it need no sense loss it once again and go with it shit this has have to be the longest tryin to be redunte it funny laugh my hands are cut my back is sore i have done so much want some more but i am an at least?

I may be free of externalities, But I will never be free of me. aint that the truth I wonder what thoughts she had after she got out the car and got in her house. I wonder what she thinks now since then. I haven't called. I won't. And I know she won't so I'll leave it at that. But damn do I wish she felt the same way about me. Maybe she did once upon a time... I am such a loser I could never tell when a girl was into me. I never got the hints I guess. It's all done now though, time for a change. Me. I read through all my old entries and enjoyed every minute of it. It helped me get through the night and doing this entry, on the third night, will do the same. I am not that boy anymore and I am ready to be a man. I am going to clean up my act. These last three days I have been real good, I have been coming to terms about myself and what I want. I want to be healthy not only physical but mentally. I can not be living the way I have been living. A year in a half ago I wanted to but was not ready. I am ready now. Sitdiary. I don't remember what I googled to find this place. I am glad I did. I am glad that I was able to type so many great people, like you, even if it all slipped away. I am glad that I was able to meet one of you, whom ,I like to think, I sent my letters of innocents to. I have changed so much. I am glad I still talk to one of you on the phone, who I can bitch my problems to, whom I sent my letters of despair to. I am glad that I am able to read of who I was and able to write who I am. Life. It scares the fuck out of me; it will always, but I still have to step up to the plate. I can't strike out without taking a swing. Maybe I'll grow old with a great career and a great famly. Maybe I'll grow old with nothing but bad habits. Maybe I'll have a great career but two broken marrages or maybe with nothing but a great woman. I don't know, but it is going to be something to find out. Isn't it? Love. What does that mean to say that to a person? I'm not sure what I meant when I told her. I just know what it felt like when I decided I have to do it and started to practice: an intense high; my eyes got watery, light-headed, shortness of breath; its like my heart stopped. I wish there was one for everyone, but that doesn't seem to be the case. When intense feelings come up, it is almost never mutual, so one settles for compatibility and trys to make it work.

to bad i hope theyre not loss i like these comments from my old entires... why deny the fact that im one of those person that must start over again and again till i hit rockbottem why delay it but then again do i still want that i mean i think i want something with more substance not artificial paradise i want menories that i can remenber and without feelings of shame guilt and what not i dont know i really dont know mabe i shall join up and serve community college just doesnt seem right right now i mean my fellow citizens are over there right now and are fighting and dieing while im home safe blessed not sleeping reading all night screwing up steering aimlessly on to the future i think i want more but i am not sure how to go about it or even what more even is from 2d outline of box around winter 04/spring 05? i was 17 One thing people say about drugs is that u will find things while on them only to lose what u found out the next day when u are off the fun. That u do it its done and u can’t ever get anything meaningful from it. Not true. From relapse spring 05/summer To you I surrender body, mind, and soul. You have defeated me every possible abstract, tangible way. I am yours Do as u please. From love spring 05/summer why is there evil in this world ? like it there is a god that is all powerful all knowing and all good why did 6million jews and other have to be murderd ? for the greater good ? what the fuck !!! from weird fall 05 i been with christine for like only 3 months and were spending christday together im happy but scared (think thats an underlining theme to me?) mabe but i dont think its too fast From a little less winter 05 what the fuck man really woman are fuckin crazyer then racoons and racoons are fuckin crazy from sometimes spring 06 but im a fake poser and pussy so mabe i wont mabe ill just try to endure this life or new one or this one or mabe that one or none fuck it im just so sad all the time so depress i dont know well yea peace from leap of faith spring/ summer 06 i cant go on like this i cant keep doing the crazy shit i do or can i i mean what do i want out of life? i dont know anymore so many things have change so yea life goes on fuck it! From almost died summer/fallish 06 its like i am just so damn young and inmature and not capable of doing anything right or along the right line or something but then now… but then i just start thinkin about shit and it all goes to shit but then it doesnt like why am i not happy like i jump up and down laughing out my lungs all the time and like things are sort of going well so fuck God when will i know this is the right road the right path or what ever shit man i just want to know.... from trailer it fall 06 damn like i changed alot since startin this diary i have yep im glad though im glad that i still have room to grow to better my reality im glad that i went thru what i did this year i am stronger im glad i have a family that loves me and puts up with my crazies im glad i have my health or alive im glad that u are readin this im glad that i can get a card for weed im glad that i saw all the shit i saw this my life and i hope urs is not a fuckin tv show nothing goes as we plan and nothing is fairy tale i saw sufferin i suffered i know of what its like for others that have not much and i feel for them the most and envy them too i want to feel more this new year then ever before i know u could argue that this last year i felt more then before but i think ur missin the point that was one way: down i felt the extreme of depression and self-loathing now is the time to turn around and try other way cause i think this is what im lookin for but Who knowns? i will get in shape… i plan on cuting down i cancer sticks… i want to create more i want to be more organized i want to stop wantin and just be i am.... from New year Winter 06? i think I read through them all it made me feel real good im going to go try to fall asleep

I really did it This whole night! It was my night! I told her I did She knows I love her That’s it This whole last week I been reciting Over and over again With bloody eyes and tears To the mirror I have been so scared But now she knows Heart pumping faster again, Out of breath, Light headed, With no control over my eyes This feeling takes over, More then I can describe, But she knows To a point I like to think I had it all planed out But it never seems to go that route But then again, It’s just how it was meant to be I pictured me just going to her work Today or yesterday (the day does not start for me till the sun raise) Walkin in there and getin it if off my chest I wanted to tell her and walk away but Her boss was there and was watchin our ass Ate some good food And shit followed us there And yea It turned out better then my dreams could make for me I made sure I did I did tell her I had wanted to say this” You know that I have always loved you right More then anything this world has to give More then myself And for a long time I have been scared of this but Im not scared awaymore I want you to know this For a while I have been trying to make u hate me And to think that I have be succeeding Scares the fuck out of me More then anything I aways want u to be part of my life If not there next by my side, then a phone call away cause I never want to lose u And I sit here type my songs With no more true regrets I know and u Will know That the songs has been here They wont leave No worries I Am Free That is it…

... by the Terminator!!! i love sayin this its my shinin moment in my storm shit! how many people can say such a thing well, yea, about 22,000 and i hope this bit of absurdity will comfort those that are deeply afected by this cause this sum serious shit i dont know what to think of this summer it started out so a to b then c and 1,2,3 and the fan just keeps getin the best of me and yea i got really behind in my class i didnt go buy the books i thought i could get by my friend bought the books we were suppose to be like a team, i guess help each other but i mostly blame myself why that couldnt happen i think i love her i just need to accept it, i guess one book sort of got me, i think i didnt do workd when your already out of breath its hard to sprint again and the last paper shit, i wish i could of made my pamphlet cause if then i was to fail i would still be content i wanted to do it on what i feel passionate about drum roll please... yes, fuckin bicycles i am a loser but a happy one most of the time it would of been something i know its dry but it just needed a little rum to make it fun and puns and so many other techniques and it would of been sweet even if i failed i would at least been true to myself but no and i dont know a c or worse i cant get a b i know that at least well i did get a c and is happy as can be i type the above on the 3rd now its the 7th the next 2 semesters are goin to be tough but hopefully in the end i get 2 AAs one in history and one in philosophy and their not even my major at least not yet im so funny im goin to take classes at a higher university for a ba in philosophy followin the law path while at the same time go back at place im at now for geology i will eventually get a ba in that and not philosophy then im thinkin of takin off maybe to alaska make a fortune then come home i wish but maybe i wanna get some experience in petroleum then come home get job that i just lost save money get ba in philosophy and then hopefully before im 35 become a lawyer think about it a lawyer with 10 years of petroleum production experience i would love to work with the government like the epa that would be cool im such a nerd we will see though time will tell and life will happen... i got sum tattoos a few weeks after i turnd 21 i havent typed about it here and thought now is good time i really like them i will get more it was a trip today i was volunteering at the bike kicten got no job might as well do something good and i gave friend a ride home he is main mechanic he is like 50 a nice guy a good guy and he was so down today just piss off at everything and he was talkin about getin old it made me feel something i dont know what we are all goin to get old our youthful sexy bodies are goin to get old and then we die but before that people that are important to us will die first we will look in the mirror and remember what we use to look like it will be a journey to death that will have ups and downs with pit holes and broken images but more importantly with moments of heaven simply sublime just make the best of it, i guess oh well

like i having tired this path but maybe rabites will be coming out of my hat ha ah yea the whole week the whole.. trying to find it again that madness wait just wait till there can be no other but my mistakes my fault just mine to wait till there the end damn here again i waited and put off and ran for it and got at least 2 for sure Bs ha bullshit i just run it like an iron fisted champion an irond willd fuck up and 2 Bs ha like to think that 3 three bs and mabe just mabe 4 bs cause that would be so much better and yea but the story of my life but i did not shape up like i been complaining to myself i created my own hell nothing else is new? ha and i have to take it as it is the feeling of relief breaths oh well im not there yet 1 more year so many ideas and yea i got my letter and i am just a bit dissapoited i guess i couldnt really get on it i couldnt really do like i said i could do what is my problem? me thats it oh well i still feel like singin i still feel like breathin i still feel like fukin it up cause so so much more different and fucked up that i cant explaind growin up happens and it shall be imbraced and when the time comes it shall surely be seen dont get me wrong cause once again i created my own hell...

happy day to all hope all went well besides me being late i trip out on ok three oks and the last was the best really wow i cease to amaze myself thats good i guess i still have it in me really thought i lost it its coming back i guess mabe when bare it all with no reget random things keep showin up and its there? 2 aa's not the meetin's ahahahahahahhaha philosophy and history sounds like right path? 30units to go 3 semesters planed shit this much time best be geting some damn worth! need more info though mabe monday i can get it the fire been burnin and i need to burn

I think i am so its all go i guess waiting and waiting sucks cause its like the end of life and then its known and nothing more then thats and its the same cause if it wasnt then why am im typeing here and can proof read some of it only some of it and it goes cause what else is there today is my day tomarrow is my marrow the next is my next and i cant ask for more cause why would i wnat to i cant go on what was givin to me y should i should i repeat again and u are my friend get lost i never cared for most of this here danceing songs god i love to dance and song but it cant end and the beginninhg is here if one can find it and throw it away cause why shall it be this way when so many other chances can go an come and flow what it realy needs to be cause this is me fr my soul it bleeds fr the depts fr the matter fcuk everything else cause im not dead yet@@#!!!!

then ill be 21 its kind of scary shit im already a drunk fcuk thinkin of leaving las vegas good movie is that what im suppose to do 21 go to vegas yea no i dont think so getting old all down hill from here who gets excited about getting any other age yea i really need to stop typing here drunk shit ill be comin on here sometimes and see a new entry and be like wtf i need to get this monkey undercontrol its not goin anywhere and neither is i school really stress me out i dont know why it comes easy shit im smart i have made bad decisions we all do time is my enemy and my friend need to learn how to manage it better sometimes it all be good and on it then it hits the fan movtivation would help i think whats my movtivation? still waitin to hear bout that job openin b so sick if i get it everyweekend at the beach oh my God! movtivation hahah i guess this month i should know what happens there was like 3 other people applyin i know i got at least one q wrong i like to think i got it but other people applying could very well have more qualifications rebuilding my bike something im excited about the first bike i ever bought its all black now goin to redo it all 20 year old bike going to be as if it was brand new i find this like a methophor for me its crazy how life is i mean its happenin little by little its all comin together im workin for it chasin it slowin it will all happen and i see that its good crazy is as crazy does fcuk it!

till im 21 i dont really want to do anything kind of scared shit im already a drunk now ill be 21 thinking of leaving lost vegas its a good movie the thing to do is suppose to go to vegas but i dont c the point really wow vegas 21 wow naw fuck that shit i really need to stop typing here drunk shit sometimes i come here and see an entry and be like what the fuck i think this is it 21 next month need to get this monkey undercontrol cause its not goin anywhere and either is me so yea i need that school really stress me out i dont know why it comes so easy to me shit im smart i make bad decision we all do time is my enemy and best friend fuckin time i cant seem to manage it it will go good for a while then it hits the fan motivation is lackin i think that is the problem i still waiting bout that job openin that be so sick if i could get it at the beach everyweekend direction ahahha i guess i rebuilding my bike i hella excited to do that shit at least something its all black now going repolished it all make it all shiny a 20 year old bike rebuilt to as if it was new i think thats cool yea i find it like a methophor for me in a way its crazy how life works out really im ready for it i guess im doin it chasin it looks like slowin its all comin together and thats good yea im crazy crazy is as crazy does fcuk it!

i had so much to type but now its all left in the wind of forgotten time i guess yea i type and type and it all flows ot...

some say that time heals all wounds some say that time is on myside some say that its all an illusion so dont worry no worries just joy in all things like in good and bad, one could suggest and find,or experiences or life or thats it or whatever, make what you can of it. Its yours. no-one could ever take that from you, at least, one would think, and its ok. the first day of logic we were asked to write down 3 beliefs we had. i came up with two: !the sun will raise tomarrow @that people are basically good and then he ask to prove why one should believe in that the first one i thought of that quote 'as the sun make it new, day by day make it new, yet again make it,' like come on, always keep it new, always keep it changing cause who wants the same as it was, is, and going to be. why! its not like it cant evolve, change or mabe thats how it is simply. i could of easily said that but what bout the second one>? well thats the one that gets challenged all the time, i wanted to say, thats the one the hardest to prove, or thats the one i would never stop jumpin for, the one beyond all explanation, i would keep jumpin for. but i never raised my hand to say what i thought or felt or just for the hell of it to see what it could bring, then again i was ask to write 3 beliefs and mabe i can see the third. why cant i believe in myself? of all the things or stuff one could believe, what should be the first the last the middle the infinite? now that i think about it, one should figure that out, cause couldnt that make a differences? only time will tell.... yea it is a good day....