to bad i hope theyre not loss i like these comments from my old entires... why deny the fact that im one of those person that must start over again and again till i hit rockbottem why delay it but then again do i still want that i mean i think i want something with more substance not artificial paradise i want menories that i can remenber and without feelings of shame guilt and what not i dont know i really dont know mabe i shall join up and serve community college just doesnt seem right right now i mean my fellow citizens are over there right now and are fighting and dieing while im home safe blessed not sleeping reading all night screwing up steering aimlessly on to the future i think i want more but i am not sure how to go about it or even what more even is from 2d outline of box around winter 04/spring 05? i was 17 One thing people say about drugs is that u will find things while on them only to lose what u found out the next day when u are off the fun. That u do it its done and u can’t ever get anything meaningful from it. Not true. From relapse spring 05/summer To you I surrender body, mind, and soul. You have defeated me every possible abstract, tangible way. I am yours Do as u please. From love spring 05/summer why is there evil in this world ? like it there is a god that is all powerful all knowing and all good why did 6million jews and other have to be murderd ? for the greater good ? what the fuck !!! from weird fall 05 i been with christine for like only 3 months and were spending christday together im happy but scared (think thats an underlining theme to me?) mabe but i dont think its too fast From a little less winter 05 what the fuck man really woman are fuckin crazyer then racoons and racoons are fuckin crazy from sometimes spring 06 but im a fake poser and pussy so mabe i wont mabe ill just try to endure this life or new one or this one or mabe that one or none fuck it im just so sad all the time so depress i dont know well yea peace from leap of faith spring/ summer 06 i cant go on like this i cant keep doing the crazy shit i do or can i i mean what do i want out of life? i dont know anymore so many things have change so yea life goes on fuck it! From almost died summer/fallish 06 its like i am just so damn young and inmature and not capable of doing anything right or along the right line or something but then now… but then i just start thinkin about shit and it all goes to shit but then it doesnt like why am i not happy like i jump up and down laughing out my lungs all the time and like things are sort of going well so fuck God when will i know this is the right road the right path or what ever shit man i just want to know.... from trailer it fall 06 damn like i changed alot since startin this diary i have yep im glad though im glad that i still have room to grow to better my reality im glad that i went thru what i did this year i am stronger im glad i have a family that loves me and puts up with my crazies im glad i have my health or alive im glad that u are readin this im glad that i can get a card for weed im glad that i saw all the shit i saw this my life and i hope urs is not a fuckin tv show nothing goes as we plan and nothing is fairy tale i saw sufferin i suffered i know of what its like for others that have not much and i feel for them the most and envy them too i want to feel more this new year then ever before i know u could argue that this last year i felt more then before but i think ur missin the point that was one way: down i felt the extreme of depression and self-loathing now is the time to turn around and try other way cause i think this is what im lookin for but Who knowns? i will get in shape… i plan on cuting down i cancer sticks… i want to create more i want to be more organized i want to stop wantin and just be i am.... from New year Winter 06? i think I read through them all it made me feel real good im going to go try to fall asleep