I may be free of externalities, But I will never be free of me. aint that the truth I wonder what thoughts she had after she got out the car and got in her house. I wonder what she thinks now since then. I haven't called. I won't. And I know she won't so I'll leave it at that. But damn do I wish she felt the same way about me. Maybe she did once upon a time... I am such a loser I could never tell when a girl was into me. I never got the hints I guess. It's all done now though, time for a change. Me. I read through all my old entries and enjoyed every minute of it. It helped me get through the night and doing this entry, on the third night, will do the same. I am not that boy anymore and I am ready to be a man. I am going to clean up my act. These last three days I have been real good, I have been coming to terms about myself and what I want. I want to be healthy not only physical but mentally. I can not be living the way I have been living. A year in a half ago I wanted to but was not ready. I am ready now. Sitdiary. I don't remember what I googled to find this place. I am glad I did. I am glad that I was able to type so many great people, like you, even if it all slipped away. I am glad that I was able to meet one of you, whom ,I like to think, I sent my letters of innocents to. I have changed so much. I am glad I still talk to one of you on the phone, who I can bitch my problems to, whom I sent my letters of despair to. I am glad that I am able to read of who I was and able to write who I am. Life. It scares the fuck out of me; it will always, but I still have to step up to the plate. I can't strike out without taking a swing. Maybe I'll grow old with a great career and a great famly. Maybe I'll grow old with nothing but bad habits. Maybe I'll have a great career but two broken marrages or maybe with nothing but a great woman. I don't know, but it is going to be something to find out. Isn't it? Love. What does that mean to say that to a person? I'm not sure what I meant when I told her. I just know what it felt like when I decided I have to do it and started to practice: an intense high; my eyes got watery, light-headed, shortness of breath; its like my heart stopped. I wish there was one for everyone, but that doesn't seem to be the case. When intense feelings come up, it is almost never mutual, so one settles for compatibility and trys to make it work.