i relised something last night i was selfish i just sat around waiting for him to change things about our relastioship which was wrong i should of did something i should of showed him my trueself. but its hard when my true self inside is battleing the side of me inside that likes to think negitive. i was stupied in taking that walk with him last night stupied for telling him that i would just like to date him. stupied in telling him all that i was feeling. i guess i was hoping if i told him what was inside he would want to date i was stupied i guess what he felt for me was not alot. i was stupied for thinking about myself while telling him all this cuz while i was he was thinking all he wants is to have time by himself to see what is out there as in people not a girlfriend but people that are diffrent like me. we were siting there on the cement and one side of my brain was telling me to just go inside before you feel worse before you say something that is not going to change anything. and the other half was telling me to stay with him to see if anything will change see if he will hold me tight see if he will change his mind. i always have that side that wants to hope for something.and at that moment i told him about the two sides in my head always fighting and he asked me what i felt like doing and i cried and japed a hold of him and said to stay. we said there for awhile then the worlds i didnt want to hear come out of his mouth. "you know you can alway cry on my shoulder" i wanted to scream at him just tell me out loud do you want me or not dont give me these little hint sencense telling me your just going to be a good friend. but i didnt i held back and that left me in a car with him cring then him saying "i dont know if we can ever be togeather again or if i should do other things" "im just confused now". i didnt get my way so im just going to give up and take it. i also relised when he was telling me that he felt lonley inside but he wasnt out side it hit me. that im lonley nights and out. yes i have 3 friends in california dana ,jessica,and randi but they really havent meet me in person besides jessica and it was only for a day. its just they are not here now on the outside. i keep telling myself that brittney is my best friend just because i want to think that for i will not be alone on the outside but she is here for me less then half the time. people say you need to try to have firends you cant just sit around waiting well i havent i call people i ask for them to hang out. that just seems to drive them away. why try when you have been and you drive everyone away. its been like this for about 10 years and it seem to never get better. right now msr negitive is telling me give up that my lonleyness is who im meant to be. and well ms hope is telling me to try nothing can be that bad forever. im tired of these thoughts fighting each other im tired of thinking. its only taring me apart inside