then almost took me to a mental insitiution last night. now i have to see a consuler and that person gets to diside if i can go to califorina or not. its my chocies not some doctors. dear faceless i write to you again. i have some many thoughts but do i tell you sure force me to everyday but i cant tell what i dont understand myself. two sides of my mind two sides always fighting eachother telling me which one is myself. and there are my hands my hands that control everything the way i write now all the mistakes i make are from my hands. but they dont leave marks no they dont why should a part of me want to make any mark on another. i dont mean to hurt but my words want to hurt the people a live around every day. i see them when i wake up when i arrive back home from work. i hope my words leave marks my thoughts leave marks on me leave marks on anyone that reads my thoughts or maybe i hope that the man a boy well read my thought see my photos and well take me away from what i fear, fear of living alone. i know im going crazy my mind taking over everything i do taking over the words that i speak. last night brought everything out. all that was going through my head when i asked them to take me to get something to drunk was that i needs something and when i heard the words not come out of my month i had no control over what i did next i feeling came over me as i throw dont the tv controller and then the pillow then my feet hit the floor and the next thing i new it i was slaming the bed room door and started to cry and then the thoughts came. why cant they ever help me why must i do everything on my own. and as my step father clothesed hang be for tring to leave it hit me im falling apart that im fusterating the people around me and this time it was not my words that were doing the wrong it was my silence when i talk i hurt them and when i keep quite i fusterate them what im i to do is it best to hurt them are fusterate them. is it the music that makes my thoughts turn in to imagation and take over me. is it was i watched when i was younger was it the way i just stared of into space hoping things would get better hopeing i was in a world where i hope for things and they happen. i get lost at times where i picture a thing happen from the reactions i make but when i test it. it falls a apart. this is the first time in my life where what i was thinking i could get it all out. but im still going crazy now all i need is someone to share it with. this is me its want makes intersting but do i really need to give it way just to make them feel like im happy. i hate to tell them that they make me unhappy but i did and the funny things is they didnt listen they just think its another thing that is wrong with me. sometime family make you unhappy its how things work. once again i have come back to my life of falling apart but im postive and its going to change nothing stays bad for long. and darkness and rain will help me grow