I'm still half expecting Brendon to walk through my door and for everything that's happened, to be one big dream. It's not a dream and he's certainly not going to walk through the door any time soon. I miss him. Rob opted for the familiar. I wonder how long his need will last and how quickly he'll move onto someone new. I miss him too. No. I miss the way he made me feel. I guess I've finally gotten up the courage to move on and pick my life up. I'm now a beauty representative and actually enjoying it. And I got set up with Kwinton. The nice, shy boy who can't wait to see me again before I'm even gone. Sigh.

It's odd writing in here. Seems years ago that everything happened. Years it was. I used to be so concerned with how I was in the world. How I appear to people. I care for nothing of the sort now. I don't even know where everyone is anymore. I certainly don't know whats happened to Chelsea. I guess I should update. Brendon dumped me. HE dumped me. Yes. I don't know if it matters who dumped who. So many entries of break ups/arguments and make-ups. I don't know if that sounds bitchy? I care. I've always cared about him and I don't think I'll ever stop. He wanted nothing to do with me. He [We] wanted another people. He [We] gave up on us. I gave up. Gave in. I can't write of being in Christchurch. Of time in Auckland. The good and the bad. It just happened. I want things to be okay again. I suppose none of that matters now. I've just become invisible. I no longer exist. Lies. Fuck it. I know I'm guilty. I'm hanging out with Michelle again. She's my past. She's everything I used to be. I don't know if I'm ready to go back alone. Things are weird without Brendon. We were the gang. Now, they've taken pity. Set-ups with random guys who can't even hold an intelligent conversation.. I don't want anyone else but him. I'm okay though. 6 months ago I would have been a depressed mess. Not now. I'm alive. Alone, but alive. And that's all that really matters.

I find myself caring less as each day passes. All I can do is sigh and hope that this is all meant to be and I'll benefit from it somehow. It's not even a big deal. I just guess this means that he'll be working more now. I want to do what I want. I realise that I don't want anything from my list. It's a vain attempt to make myself feel better on the outside and not actually target the internal issue. In saying that, I don't want help. It is comforting to not do anything. I don't paint anymore. I don't sing. I don't see my friends. All friends I have harboured are now moving on and all I want to do is wave them off. But that feels okay for now. The only thing I'm worried about now is turning out like my mother. That is something I hope I never have to face. I may never know, often people can't face up to what they're really like. So just as long as I act fun-loving and less worried, less paranoid, less sarcastic and cut out the melodrama, I'll be fine. Less me. Damn, I have made this entry sound so dramatic. No. Silly me. I'm so silly sometimes. =P I feel much better now.

I feel like a real dick for being so melodramatic. So stupid after my fight with Brendon, that is. I didn't have a leg to stand on. He offered to see me on Wednesday, stay Friday night and take me to dinner on Saturday night. The rest of the time he'd be working. Because I was unhappy that he wasn't seeing me for the whole Saturday, I sulked, complained and cried. DICK. DIIIICCCCCCKKKKK. Gah. This is all because I have to give up my time to let him work. Gah. I need a job. I get dinner on Saturday night! Yeah, I'm happy with that.

Today at the supermarket a guy with the most wonderful eyes served me. His eyes were the most piercing blue I've ever seen and I think his black hair made them stand out more. I kept my head down and didn't look up at him until I handed him my card. I swear time stopped for a matter of seconds. Our eyes connected for that brief moment but I broke the connection when I took my card and became really nervous and shy. Then I walked away without collecting my bags and he had to chase after me. I'm still embarrassed thinking about it.

I'm actually happy We did it in a disabled toilet. Gosh. It's 2:11am and I'm not the least bit sleepy. I'm on this high. All I can do is smile a very pretty smile. I'm talking to Christine. I haven't talked to her in some time.

I don't know what was so wrong about yesterday. I know it was a Sunday. I know that I'd just had a huge argument with Father in front of my cousin and my Mother, in which my Father tried so hard to show off in front of Tina, failing miserably in my opinion. I'm okay at arguing. I usually can't get a word in with Brendon and usually just want to compromise more than win my case over completely. With my Father, I cut him down to small pieces because I know his weaknesses inside out. He called me a heartless bitch that doesn't let anything stand in my way. I'm satisfied with that. Tina even tried to make a few remarks about how much of a girl Brendon looks from behind with his long hair. I badly wanted to call her a bitter fat whore who is pregnant with her third kid, on a benefit and is now a solo mother because her partner jumped into bed with many other woman. But I didn't. I think it's pretty easy to see her predicament without saying anything. Maybe I'm not so heartless after all. On a more interesting note: I was bored and took some photos of my favourite skirt. I love that skirt. I like the mirror too. I like taking photos in front of that mirror. What turned into taking photos of the skirt eventually lead to just plain ol’ skanking. I find it hard to look at them and see myself as the self-loathing girl that I am. They just don't seem to work well together.

This morning in the shower I sat and cried. I cried for all that I know. For the beginning and for the end. Beginning starts now. End was then. For my love for him and for my hatred. I hate him. I love to hate him. For what he did to me. Backs turned. Actions without thoughts of hurt and guilt. How oblivious I was. How I know nothing but that. False security. Sugar coating. How it eats me alive. How I let it. The lies. The truth. Truth hurts. Change. Lessons. Intertwined. I got that far before someone pounded on the door for me to hurry up. This serves me right. Curiosity killed the cat. The cat being me. I'm sorry about the attitude I need to give when I'm with you, but no one else would take this shit from me.. -- I got hit on in the bus exchange. At first I thought he was staring at me because of my, well, lack of height. He started to talk to me, asking if I had a sister because I looked familiar. He then asked what I was doing. After I told him I was waiting for my boyfriend, he walked off to catch a bus. The same bus that had passed us twice already. My hair was still wet and I had a high-necked jersey and scarf on. I had rushed to get dressed because I was already running late. What the hell? People must be blind. I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind.

I feel kind of bad for making things turn out the way I want them to. There is some satisfaction of getting my way, again. I just don't want to lose the best friend that he's become and the best friend that I am. That's only one of the reasons. I'd be here all night with the rest.

I think I was just using Sunday as an excuse for my bitterness. I do hate Sundays but I am still bitter. I don't think I'm going to get any better until I deal with the issue. I've talked to you but you still want to do as you please. I've talked to you and now I feel silly. I feel hurt. You've offered me a gift to butter me up. You've offered me a gift so I'll be okay with it. You've made me all kinds of promises. No this, no that but you were very quick to take it back when I said it was okay for you do those things. I don't know how to talk to you. No I do. I just don't know how to make you understand. You don't know what it's like because you got the better deal from it. You didn't get the pain like I did. You didn't feel oblivious and you certainly didn't feel like a fool. You didn't feel pain at all. You got to justify your reasons. You made it seem like it was a good thing in the end. I'm sorry, but it should have never happened. If you loved me enough you would have thought about my feelings. But that is just you. It's easier to do as you please. I know you're trying to make things right by compromising. This is why I must go away. I'm going to take the holiday we planned on taking but put on hold. I'll be gone as soon as I can find my wings. And my wallet.

Sunday. It's my least favourite day of the week. My face probably resembles that of someone who has just drunk sour milk. I hope I don't start making this a habit. I can be really bitchy when I want to be and it's not like Sunday lasts for a few hours and then Monday begins. 24hours can certainly be deadly. This is why I think I'm just going to stay locked in my room today. I want to keep my curtains closed because the sunlight blinds me and makes me see random blobs. Why did I choose the sunroom? Autozamm. I wish I had someone to go with. I can't believe that after I said that Brendon had to come with me, he told me he wasn't. I should just blow off his phone call and go. Maybe I'll do what I want. I am too considerate and I think of others too much. I think of others who don't think about me. How hurt I might be by their decisions and actions. Last night I talked to Rob's girlfriend, Danni. It was weird for me to talk to my close friends girlfriend for the first time and have her be okay with things. Namely, me being a girl. I guess the situation is different. We're millions of miles away. Our song. Just to get back By his side is all, All I need to be.. I know I'm the complete opposite. I get angry and I get suspicious and clingy. But after all that has happened, I don't see the harm in that. After all, Danni was Rob's best friend before they got together. I think I have reason enough to be the way I am. Maybe I just need to find something worthwhile for my Sunday. I dunno, I could take up Pilates, or something. Heh. This entry hasn't been very nice, now that I think of it.

I feel sick to the stomach. I want to cry. I want to stop feeling so empty. I miss Rob Evans. I am reaching out for him but my arms are too short to grasp on to his shirt. He's returned from his shell but his length of departure has made things distant. I've done nothing but clean for most of the day. I find that cleaning usually helps me with my frustrations. I've cleaned all I can clean and I still feel frustrated.

I got on the bus early to go meet Brendon by the movies. The bus was packed and I had to stand. I glanced around quickly but kept my head down. I become interested by the two green peace guys standing near me and concentrated on their conversation about music. A woman was beside me and I moved aside to let her get off the bus. As she moved, I glanced up to look at the people behind her and to my surprise Brendon was staring back at me. All we could do is grin at each other. I bet I looked like a complete fool, grinning. He'd been watching me for some time, just waiting for me to glace up and notice him. It was one of those moments where the things and people around you just don't matter. I was fixed.

Today was rather fun. For once we actually just sat in front of the telly and cuddled. I'd missed that closeness between us after constantly being in town together for most of the week. We played around with the camera for a bit and we took a photo of our legs, accidentally because he swiped the camera as I was trying to get his face. He had fun taking pictures of me in random clothes, most didn't fit and I'd have to hold them behind me. He was more interested in snapping pictures of my boobs than of my face or any part of my body for that matter. =P There was mostly a lot of Sam giggles and trying to hide from the camera. I think I was genuinely happy today.

Today we argued. We argued about a few things in general. He called me selfish because I wasn't spending my money how he thought I should be. I called him a prick and he told me to fuck off home as we got to his door. All I could do was cry. I felt weak because he actually made me burst into tears. All he could do was hug me.

Rob text me at some random hour of the morning to tell me that his 'girl thing' had just given birth to a baby girl. It's not like I was asleep to mind, much. He'll be a father. Gosh, weird things do happen. I'd forgotten that he was expecting a baby. We'd only stopped talking to each other for a few months. I'm trying to tell myself that he's no good to talk to. I'm trying to respect Brendon's wishes. But it's rather hard when I want to talk to him. Know him. Why am I even thinking about this? I should be focusing on getting our relationship back on track. But. I'm going to talk to him anyway. He's always made me curious. You know this.

Today our new currency comes into circulation. Bah. No longer do we have 5-cent pieces, so there goes my need to collect as many as possible because the people I know find them completely pointless. They're making the 10, 20 and 50 cent piece smaller and lighter. I already have enough trouble keeping the old heavier ones. And the 10-cent piece is going to be copper coloured. The only coin out of the collection to be copper coloured. This pisses me off. It's like the game Cluedo. All the weapon pieces are metal except for the rope, which just has to be made from plastic. Why couldn't it also be made from metal? What purpose does it have being plastic? Why couldn't they just use either all plastic or all metal. Gah, all of this just to save money. For what? I'm very disappointed. Okay, so I just hate change of any kind.

Ya know, after dumping him things still feel the exactly the same. I guess this isn't like any normal break up. I actually feel relieved that the truth is out. I mostly feel rather pissed off that it hadn't come out sooner. I keep thinking of all the madness I've gone through because I was left with my thoughts to piece the events together. For that, I hate him. We are meeting up today and spending the day in town. We're going to see each other on the weekend and probably a few days after that. We wouldn't dream of letting our parents know that we'd split up. He wants me back. He tells me that he isn't going to give me up easy and that he'll do anything to make me happy. I wonder how many times he'll go to kiss me, how many times he'll reach for my hand. The things you do out of habit. Last night I didn't stop him when he kissed me or touched the skin under my clothes. I even sat on his lap like I normally do while he hugged me. It's just so hard not to feel like a couple. Couple is all we've ever been. He asked me out last night.

Please don't let me cry. I can do this. I can.

I did it. We broke up. WE BROKE UP. He confessed to the lies he told me and then told me the truth as to what actually happened with the whole Wellington and Vienna thing. He lied because he regretted going and didn't want to lose me. He told me I was to dump him on principle. I got a best friend out of this. Who would have thought that Brendon would end up my best friend? I dumped him. AND I didn't cry. I am single. I am single. I repeat: I am single. Stranger things have happened, I guess. I want you.