she got an email through. i guess with a different address. i delted it without even reading it. my hearts pounding. i feel like shit. went shopping today. doesn't matter. i miss so much. the cuddling, the playfighting. i just don't want to hear her talk about him. i cant. i can't have piece unless im distracted. and i have so much time to think now a days. WAY too much time... when im with someone. like, when i was with aids (nickname), and i was hugging her, and holding her, i felt a lot better. but i know she couldnt make me happy. i wish she was everything that j. was but she's not. she's too tall, she's not as pretty, has shorter hair, and isn't as well proportioned. she's nice and fun, but she's dated my friend mat (ugh, which complicated SO much between me and him) and I feel like... i dunno. i Like her. she is pretty. i just don't know why i like her. whether im trying to replace someone else, or just trying to find someone, anyone, to hold onto. i cant go out with her. she's... promiscuous. besides, she has a "boyfriend" who lives in montreal. oh god. what do i do sitdiary?