i miss the hospital. i hate it on the inside. i hate it on the outside. it never changes. i miss the comfort of being safe, being accepted. i wish i was there now. so i could scream at shawn and tell her how much shes ruined my life. i hate her. more than i have hated anyone else in the world. but still, i wish i was there and not here. i miss cade. i hope he knows how much he means to all of us. the only we survive is because hes there. i was on suicide watch when i was there. they came in my room every 5 minutes. i didnt mind. although, they left the door open. our shower was broken, and they knew it was. but they didnt do anything to fix it. "at least you have water". i miss the comfort of knowing what was going to happen everyday. now, i dont even know where im gunna be for the whole day. someone once told me "move on to better things, do you want to be in some place like that your whole life?" and i answerd with "if it gets me away from you." no one knows how it is in there. they know nothing. we cant have hair clips, pens, pencils, shoe laces, underwires in our bras, tampons, hair ties with mental, shampoo with alcohol, notebooks with a wire, make-up, jewelry, suspenders, candy, gum, nail files, perfume, belts, metal hangers, lotion, camaras, radios, money. we dont get anything. but yet, i miss being there. the people, how they treated me. i was never judged. i loved it like that. where people accepted you for who you were. knowing that there are other people like you, other people taking meds, makes it alright. i can't do things on my own. i would break down. when i was there i had people helping me with everything. once, we were missing a pencil in the school room. they had to check our pockets, and our shoes. trust, ey? but no one cared, becasue we didnt have it. one kid had to get a booty dart twice. he was twitching from lack of niccatine. and he wanted another shot. said it calmed him down, and he felt a lesser need to smoke. he was 14, and on heroin, and crack. no one cared. we treated him like everyone else. he made a bad choice, so what? we all do. some more severe than others. Christina had a razor, i made 12 cuts on my leg. they didint notice, shows how stupid they are. Gus* made a cut on his arm, and no one noticed, and if they did they didnt care. Brittany* slit her wrists while she was in there. i watched. but the funny thing is, she didnt do it herslef. she couldnt, she got her room mate Nikki* to do it for her. Nikki liked hurting other people, but not herself. she was 13 and addicted to crack cocaine. but it dosent matter, she was a good person. Mary* said she was abused sexually, metally, and phisaclly as a child. she molested her little sister, she started crying when she told us that. they let her hug me. there is no P.C. (phisical contact) at the hospital. no fresh air. Brittany had been there for 19 days. without going outside. think of how bad that must have been. not being able to go outside. i would die. i hope she dosent. -this goes out to anyone who has or will ever be at HOH. you'll hate it while your there, and miss it while your not- "i'll miss you" "no you won't" "i'll miss you more than you know" my thoughts. feel free to comment on it. !aL is aL