i would have tried beamingbut htere is too much i'm feeling right now to be very assertive about anyting. i'm still processing my thorough everyting so it might be awhile before i have any kin dof definitve answer. not much is happening it already has an i'm waitng to reach the end results which leaves me in my current state of waitng in some cosmic waitng room wating for all my actions to call my number and sweep me out the door to another temporary destination. optimism had become my only freind and i now this time will pass its just so heavey right now. the ever present promise that things can change still hangs above me opening some kind of distorted light showering down aorund my feet and up through my awareness of everything we are and have been but the question is still what will be become. this thought is so enticing that it ties me in knots in my sheets and i can do nothing but try not to waste the time before now and whenever it is that this will come to resolution. i can hrdly feign anymore at the momment so if this has you on the edge of your seat i must apologize i can only handle translating so much at one time and its hard to share when nothing gets out and nothing gets in, but until we meet for the beginning i will be here not wasting away but aging all the same at the speed of being human and the time it takes to calculate an escape not until then will parted hand unite and reflect laughing at all the memmories in hindsight. i only hope that these entries never go bitter as i know the world can make you and as distant as it can keep you. i'm not the one who can offer hope. only can i hope that you my find someone to find some in or look through yourself until you find an undiscovered well. and i'm not tyring to sound poetic but to much accurate discription is more painful than being starcrossed lovers in the nights of opining sorrow. unless recompense is made there can be no conclusion or end to this story it becomes an eteranl mystery without any end so when i get your check i'm going to hang it on the wall in a frame and never cash it so this tragedy will be laid to rest and we can stop short of succumbing to our fears and never part from the way we chose to experience ourselves and the fact that we exsist at all,.....