Yesterday we had the first game of the season. We played brick township and we won. the score was 14-0. Friday night and saturday morning i was so nervous. I had 2 bad scrimmages before that so i was scared to have another bad game, especially when it was the first game of the season. I ate really lightly, but it didnt matter cause i got so nervous i threw it up anyway. I was just so scared to face my team if we lost,cause the scrimmages before that they got mad at me cause we lost. I play goalie for lacrosse, so the game pressure is always on us. About an hour before we were suppose to be on the field, i completely relaxed myself. i listened to all acoustic music to clear my head. When we got there, it ended up thunder storming, so we had to sit in the boy's -football locker room and wait out the storm. and it was worth it. I ended up having a shut out. i saved 15 shots. I really needed this confidence booster. This was my first shutout, and ive been playin for 3 years. The coach gave me the game ball, she thought it was the right thing to do. And then i saw my name in the sunday paper, and i just couldnt get my smirk off my face. Hopefully i can play as well as i did yesterday for tuesday's game. We are playing our Rival school. eek. ♥ leila faye*

I really need to start to learn how to write in this more. so heres the update. lacrosse started up in the begining of march. im on the varsity team. Im the starter goalie. fun fun. My goal this year is to have atleast two shut outs before the end of the season. I know whats stopping me and its my lack of foot work. I know this, but for some reason i cant fix it. I guess, well i know its because im not tryin hard enough at practice and that bit me in the butt in the end, cause in games those shots fly right past me. urghhhh. We have a big game coming up on tuesday, i gotta get my act together tomorrow at practice. i was sick this week. i was absent for two days and apparently those are the two days they decided to give us the most amount of homework. school sucks lol. im always scared that everytime, i get a lil bit happy , something always bad happens. theres always gonna be something there to ruin it. i guess its something we all have to learn to accept. its only a bad thing, if you dont do anything about right? I learned this month, that my best friend who commited suicide two and half years ago may have had disorder. His mom has always blamed me for his death, sayin its my fault, i was his best friend and should have done something to prevent this. I dealt with his depression for 5 years, and his family did nothing to help me. after he died, i always hated going over his house because his mom always makes me feel like shit. its not like im guilty enough, ya know? when i went to dinner over their house, his older brother took me aside to tell me that his mom has a mental disorder and they thought his brother, scott( my friend who past away),may have had it. ive known this family my whole life. thats something they should have told me and him. and he told me thats why they exused his depression for so long cause they thought it was just his disorder. this changes everything. nothing will ever be the same now. love, leila faye*

when i get it.. ..im gonna keep it forever<3 ♥

“Each of us is a character. Every moment of our lives, everything we ever say or do, every choice we make, is a twist in the plot of a story. Sometimes that story is simple, a romantic comedy that makes those aware of it smile softly. Sometimes that story is a tragedy worthy of Shakespeare, and at the end we understand perfectly the peace Juliet felt when she took her own life. Sometimes... no one ever reads the story, and at the end the pages crumble into oblivion." -amelia atwater-rhodes ♥ leila faye

. . inbetween reality & dreams wow i havent written in here in a long time. but things have gotten a little better i think. im over sean, it still hurts when i see him.but im okay now and i know i will be. the best friend situation is better. sometimes it feels like im walking on thin ice with her. but im not dwelling on it anymore. ive spent to much time makin myself sick over these two people. and i know its not worth it. . . it never was. ive been tryin to stay away from drama. the useless highschool drama. im tryin to go through a shut down period away from people. my mind has been to cluttered. ive been dealing with everyone else's problem except my own. school is out this week, i think im gonna use to figure things out. i need to figure out the relationships in my life, what to do with people. i need to figure out how to calm things down in my homelife. basically i need to repioritze everything in my life. im trying to lift myself from the hole i dug. im trying to not to get depressed agian. i cant get back to that place anymore.ive been gettin so upset lately over everything. everyone always portrays me as this strong person. im afraid to tell them, i also need help. when im upset it, it seems that nobody ever gives a damn but when they are upset they want me to drop everything for them. ugh. i started SATs classes the other night. just more stress to add onto me. it hit me that im graduatin in a year and half. i need to start lookin at colleges and that scares me. . . is the fight of my will again.. . leila faye

You'll sit alone forever If you wait for the right time What are you hoping for? -jimmy eat world. so today i felt like absolute shit. my family and i went to washington d.c for a protest. it was a long car ride. 4 hours. i slept on the way there. the protest was long 11:30-4pm. er. i wanted to pass out. i was still dizzy and whatever. i ended up flipping out on my parents cause they keep making fun of me and i couldnt take it anymore. so i lashed out. thats the problem,sometimes i feel like such the black sheep of the family because it just seems like they treat my 2 brothers differently. i hate being the middle child. On the way home from washington, i thought about everything that has happened since school started. i hate looking back at everything that has happened cause it just makes me really sad.i thought about sean and how we were together from june till october. i know its not along time. and i wasnt inlove with him or anything but the pain is still there. i thought about everything he said to me and all the good memories we had. and out of nowhere when school started he slowlying drifted away from me & then i lost him completely. then i thought about how im even losing my best friend to the girl i hate beyond anything. i said something to her about it last night, and it was like she just blew me off.i was like whats up? we dont hang out with leila anymore? and she just said. ya it blows.lol. but i need to go to sleep ill ttyl. and i just sat there in disbelief. it really does hurt, that she doesnt even care. ive tried to blow it off and not care myself but in the end it hurts. i cried quietly on the wway so no one would notice that i was upset. im tryin to hold it all together. but i cant anymore. i feel like ive reached my breakin point and im about to explode.ive tried not to care about any of this but i do and thats whats makin me emotionally sick. ♥leila

Attention! Attention! May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room, if only, if only for one second. This table has taken a turn for the worst. Rock bottom and over the edge well it's not like it hurts that much anyway. Upside down and inside out. When I leave here I'm going alone. Well it's not like, it not like it hurts much anyway -the academy is everytime i see him it hurts. we were together for almost 5 months and he left me out of nowhere. its funny, how he left when he said what can i do to gain your trust. so here's to teenage romance& not knowing why it hurts like hell i wanna hate him so bad, but i know if he said lets get back together id do it. i cant though, hes put me through so much hell. today at bowling practice i almost passed out. i got so dizzy that i threw up. this has been going on since june. and they still dont know whats wrong with me. mom says if i dont feel better by tomorrow shes taking me to the hospital. im not going to school tomorrow , im suppose to rest. err i hate this.today was just complete crap. i hated it so much. the dizziness has come to the point where its not even bearable anymore. nothing's bearable anymore. ♥ leila

i love this song. my new addiction. this and a boy brushed red living in black and white by underoath. its a good music to get over someone. it snowed last night. after 2 weeks of nice warm weather it rained all day . . it snowed. everything is different it when it snows. i love it when it snows cause its a small bit of hope came my way. I went bowling this morning with my little brother. I bowl for my highschool so i went to go practice since we have a match tomorrow.The lanes were horrible. my ball wouldnt react and go up. My little brother and i had fun though it was a nice bonding experience with him haha. When my mom came to pick us up. she was in a bad mood. i hate it when shes like that, cause i always think its my fault. She always ruins a happy moment. I always feel like im not good enough when it comes to her. cause i always didnt do something. I dont know if ill be good enough in her eyes. Have you ever felt like your best friends, isnt really your best friend. that you have to second guess him or her? thats my problem. I feel like my best friend has forgotten about me. We dont even talk outside of school anymore. Ever since shes been friends with the girl i loathe things have changed completely and she hasnt realized that. I dont care that shes friends with her, but it feels like shes forgotten me entirely. When my friend and this girl started hanging out over the summer, i told her to watch out cause this chick has a way of keeping my friends away and keepin it that way. i got yelled at for not trustin her. but she doesnt get how maniplutative this girl is. i know, this chick has done the same shit to me. and then recently, when she was dating some kid who bowled, she told me she was going to go see him the day that we were all practicing. when i asked her who was taking her, she told me it was the girl that i hated. and i told her, just keep her away from me cause ill flipp out. then i got a accused of being immature. errrr, i dont know what to do anymore in this situation. your thoughts? urgh. well i gotta go. i gotta clean my room && do some homework, maybe ill write some more later. ♥leila

Errr, okay so i'm trying this whole online diary thing. . . i really dont know what to say for a first entry. im never really good at these things. im just looking for someplace to safely place my thoughts and try to find people understand. " So, this is my life.And i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be" -the perks of being a wallflower. ♥leila