I really need to start to learn how to write in this more. so heres the update. lacrosse started up in the begining of march. im on the varsity team. Im the starter goalie. fun fun. My goal this year is to have atleast two shut outs before the end of the season. I know whats stopping me and its my lack of foot work. I know this, but for some reason i cant fix it. I guess, well i know its because im not tryin hard enough at practice and that bit me in the butt in the end, cause in games those shots fly right past me. urghhhh. We have a big game coming up on tuesday, i gotta get my act together tomorrow at practice. i was sick this week. i was absent for two days and apparently those are the two days they decided to give us the most amount of homework. school sucks lol. im always scared that everytime, i get a lil bit happy , something always bad happens. theres always gonna be something there to ruin it. i guess its something we all have to learn to accept. its only a bad thing, if you dont do anything about right? I learned this month, that my best friend who commited suicide two and half years ago may have had disorder. His mom has always blamed me for his death, sayin its my fault, i was his best friend and should have done something to prevent this. I dealt with his depression for 5 years, and his family did nothing to help me. after he died, i always hated going over his house because his mom always makes me feel like shit. its not like im guilty enough, ya know? when i went to dinner over their house, his older brother took me aside to tell me that his mom has a mental disorder and they thought his brother, scott( my friend who past away),may have had it. ive known this family my whole life. thats something they should have told me and him. and he told me thats why they exused his depression for so long cause they thought it was just his disorder. this changes everything. nothing will ever be the same now. love, leila faye*