so i am in love with this kid up here at school and the sad part is that i know i will never see him again! it makes me really sad and i hope that this summer will be good because i need something to get my mind off of him! oh well..... bye jason i love you!!!

Why does it still have to hurt this bad! why i can't i just have the balls to get over this whole thing.... why did i have to fall in love....

How do you know when you are in love? What sort of things give that away to others? and not olny others but what gives it away to you? Is it possible to be in love with someone who won't give you the time of day? How can a person live with the feelings that he/she has to keep locked inside? Why is it that when the guy og your dreams comes along he really isn't the one for you? Is there really a man out there for me to love and be loved by him...who is exactlly what i want my husband to be? LOVE STINKS!!!!!!!!!! yeah yeah...

So i really don't understand why some people just don't care. What is it that causes a person to throw away his/her life? There has to be a reason....and yet he won't open up and share it with me! He says he still loves me and yet when i ask for a simple explination he won't share! I really do care about him and love him still...and it makes me so sad to see him throw away his life like this and there is nothing i can do to fix it or even help!!! I can't even begin to express the hurt and anger (mostly just hurt) i feel inside over this! Can't he see that i love him and that he is someone who is so special to me!!! Can't you see it!!! I love you!! and i don't want you to throw away your life like this! Please won't you let me in to help you? PLEASE!!! i am begging here...please.... Let me help you...i want to see you succeed in life...please i care to much about you to just forget about it and move on like every one is telling me to do. You are a part of me weather you like it or not! i care about you....please.

Hello everyone! first off WOW! there has been so much crap that has been going around this past couple of days i really can only imagine what all of you SV band kids are thinking! I want to tell you though how proud not me but all the other former Sv band kids up here at BYU-I are of you!!!! you guys are so amzing! when you were down and hit the worst you still decided that you weren't going to let this get you down! just in case none of you have read emilys diary i want you to read this part of it because it is so true and it is the only way that you will be able to make it together......"We'll make it though. Seriously, anyone thinking of quitting band just cause we lost our director is being ridiculous. He was a huge part of the band, and he is what brought us to the top, but he wasn't the band. We are the band, and he told us that we could go on without him. It will take a lot of work, but we can do it. We are the band, and we can take it far. We can do this. Let's move on." Emily is so right! you are the band and as much as you are hurting and whatever else i can only imagine you are feeling you need to remember that you guys are the band. Mr. Bedont was just the crazy man waving his arms around...you are the band! I can tell right now that you guys are special. You are in the works of overcoming the one of the greatest obsticals in not only band but life in general. Having to let go and move on is a very hard but important part of life. The bast and only thing that you can do is to don't ever EVER forget what he taught you! Mr. Bedont was a great teacher and a great man, no matter what anyone else thinks! I know this to be true for myself! i watched him take a program and bring it back to life! he had an amzing way of teaching us to love the music! never once did he stettle for just "playing notes on a page", he taught me and i know he taught you how to play music! Don't ever forget that! Music is a very important part of life, even if you don't go on to be a music major in college, because of his influence you will never look at music the same way again. At least i know that i haven't...it will be hard, but you guys need to be strong and don't ever let go of what you have as not only band members but as friends and family! I know that if you help eachother to remember the good times and not to dwell on the bad you may end up having one of the best years/seasons of your life! you can do it and I (and all of us up here) have faith in you to do it!!! I am praying for you and i love all of you so much! Love, Leza Maria Farmer

So hello, just in case you haven't heard already i was in a car accident this weekend. I am somewhat okay. my back started to hurt last night and hasn't stopped but i think i will be okay. i have a cute no so little bruise across my lap from my seatbelt but other than that I am okay. I was out with my friends and i was in the car with a guy named clayton. His friend Spence was driving the car that we hit. In that car was my two roomates Emily and Anya, and then our friend Beckah. Clayton and i rearended them going at least 40 mph. It did hurt to say the least. We ended up taking Emily to the ER because that was the thrid major thing she had done to screw up her back in a week and a half. Everyone is for the most part fine now. I did something else fairly stupid this weekend too. I dyed my hair! It didn't really work and if you saw me you most likely wouldn't notice. It just made it slightly lighter that is all, and put some more red into it. Anyhoo... I can't believe i am doing this again! I am so mad at myself but at the same time i know that it is a good thing. bye.

Well i am back! i thought about it long and hard and well i am back! So yeah there has been so much drama in my life as of late, but there it has been nothing that i couldn't handle. Just is case you don't know Landen loves me and i love him!!! it is so great to have that feeling of knowing that someone care about you and really truly loves you and only you. He and i had a wonderful time this past three weeks. I was on break for school and got to see him not enough, but still enough to make me happy and remind me of how lucky i am to have him in my life loving me no matter what. I just started a new semester up here at college and am looking forward to all my new classes. I think that they just might kill me but i so ready to work hard and get good grades and what not. I am doing drumline this semester and am so excited about that and at the end of the semester i get to go on tour with the wind enseble to California, Nevada, Arizona, and Utah!!! i am so excited i can hardly wait! well i think that is all i am going to say for now! talk to yall later! bye

In an attempt to change some things in my life and finally become the adult that i need to be there is a very big possibility that i won't be writing anymore on here. So i gues this is my final good bye to all you readers out there who care even enough to check this diary. Goodbye emily (chippman) you are the bestest friend a girl could ask for! i could always talk to you when i needed to and i will for sure be emialing you to find out what is new with you. Goodbye Kaylee! you are just as awesome! i could always talk to you and you have helped so much in life you have been the best friend. Goodbye Kirsten. you are so sweet and i have enjoyed our wonderful conversations we have had, and i hope that we can stay in touch! Goodbye emily (best)! i am so glad that i got to know you better. I hope that we can always stay friends. Goodbye dallan! I have so much enjoyed you and we will deffinately stay in touch through email! I have loved talking to you and i am glad to know that someone in this world still cares about me and thinks that i am a great person! i love you too and i am so happy that we are friends! And last but certainly not least landen. Goodbye hun! I really do love you and there will always be a very special place in my heart for you! I will miss you but i need to to move on in my life and this is just a small part of it. I hope all of your lives go well for you. I wish you the best. I will leave you with my testimony. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and He knows me. I know this is the only true church and that it is the only way back to Him. I know that Pres. Hinckley is the true and living prophet today. I know that through Christ i am become clean and pure. I know that He suffered for my sins and that He loves me and knows my pains. I know that our elder brother knows all of us and so does our Father and He listens to our prayers. This church is true...woo woo!!!! i hope yall never forget that and i hope that someday you can all know that someday too. Good bye and take luck!!!!!

So do you ever get those feelings of complete stupidity?! well i had them major last night! so i went home for the thanksgiving holiday, and i was so looking forward to it! i was so giddy and happy to see not only my family and friends, but landen! i was so stoked, well tues. night when i got into town my family was happy to see me but something i did really ticked off my dad and that totally ruined the whole vaction for me. (my own studipity!) and so consequently when landen showed up to get me i wasn't in the best of moods but i just wanted to get away for a bit and hopefully things would calm down, but he interpreted that as i wasn't excited to see him at all. which was exactlly the oppisite because i was most excited to see him because i hadn't seen him since ISU and i really didn't get to see him then really so i was so excited to have him near me and maybe just for one night things maybe be as they were with out all the drama between us. well i screwed that over too, (my own studipity!) i did however get to snuggle with him at fuzzy's house for a couple of minutes of heaven! i really do love that kid! and then we kissed, at first i really think that he didn't want to but it happened and i find out that he really didn't think that it meant anything to me! i couldn't have been more hurt in my life. although that is after i called him to tell him that i loved him and found out that he was on his way to hilary's house. and you can only guess what the first thing was that popped into my mind when he told me that. he is going to make-out with her! needless to say i was crushed! i had a couple of other social things i had to make a appearance at that night after i found out and so i held myself together enough for that and then i went to my aunts house put my jammies on and balled myself to sleep! my mother was upset too because i wouldn't tell her what was going on and that just made things worse, (my own studipity!) The reason my mom was upset with me from earlier was friday her and i went shopping and she accidentlly ripped a pair of my pants. and i was extremely upset and so to make up for it she offered to buy me a new pair. well we went to the store and she handed me some to try on and i went back to the dressing room to try them on and they were too small. and being the girl that i am insisted that i wouldn't get a pair of pants bigger than that and gave them back to the clerk. when my mom asked about them i just told her that they were too small and i didn't want any pants at all. again (my own studipity!). so my mother was mad at me all break and so was my dad. he was upset because i went and hung out with my friends on tuesday night instead of being with the family. at least that is the readers digest version. and now i am sitting in my aunts house while my family is back at home so that i could save me some driving hours and that upset my parents too. (my own studipity!) so yeah basically except for the actual day my thanksgiving break sucked!!!!! and now i am so confused i don't know what to do..... i guess i will just go on and live my life and hope that somehow this will all work itself out...maybe i will get in a freak accident on the way home tomorrow (because the roads are really bad) and die and then i won't have to worry about this mess any more. right now that seems like the best and easiest way out...and really that is what i want is a way out because i am sick to death of dealing with the shit my life is full of right now! and that is not just you landen, most of it in fact comes from my family. Ideally what i would love to do right now is to run away with my landen! we would go far far away and live off of the love that we would have for eachother! and we could go skinny dipping everyday because we would live right next to the beach! and we would me so happy and there wouldn't be a care in the world...yes i think that would also be a sloution to my problems...run away with my landen! oh man wouldn't it be nice if we were older!!! he he he! by the way i really loved that song and i thought it was so cute! and just while i am getting everything off my chest here i really kind of lied. i had no intention of kissing you that night landen, i was in fact going to just not give you anything because you have a girlfriend and what not, but when i saw you (u hat and everything) i fell for you all over again! and i knew that there was now way i was going to last the night! but i was going to be stubborn and make you go first. but that went out the window too i guess. oh i saw this shirt at shopko that i have to get! it is pink and in lime green writing it says "who says stubborn is a bad thing" i saw that and thought of us and just laughed. anyhoo i love how i am having this conversation with you as if you are right here. i just hope you read this and so the people in this world don't think i am anymore crazy than i already am. anyhoo i think that is enough venting for one night. i still feel like a loser but it was fun to think about happy things for a while. sometimes that is what i do to help me sleep at night. i think of all the happy times that landen and i had together and all the tender moments that we shared together. in fact while i was balling last night i sort of sang myslef to sleep. i was singing our song. "children behave, thats what they say when were together, and watch how you play. they don't understand and so we're running just as fast as we can. holding onto one anothers hand. trying to get away into the night, then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say..." i will let you take it from there. good night world and sweet dreams landen (i really do love you! despite what i say)

Ya know just when i thought everything was going to be okay with my life i just go and screw it all up! It started out with Jason. He and I were actually talking to eachother and having good conversations and what not, but then I went and screwed it all over when i asked him if i could use his oven to bake some cookies because mine is broken. Well needless to say he forgot and totally stood me up and made me look like a fool. it really was all my stupid fault though because i should have said something or called him. Yeah and then yesterday i got in another huge fight with Landen. I told him that i had a hard time with the fact that he loved me when he had a girlfriend. and yeah so he said that he didn't want to see me when i come home this week. it was really hard but with the help of some awesome fhe brothers i saw that if that was what i was going to go through i didn't need to put up with that, and acording to dave i derserve much better and there is a ton of opportunities for me here. I don't know about that because right now i feel like i don't have anyone. i guess i am finally feeling complete and total empty and lonliness....i guess i will try and make the best of this and see if i can't try and be happy for today and fool everyone so no one knows that really deep down inside i am a mess....we will see...

Hey all you boys out there that are interested in knowing the keys to my heart.... The Keys to Your Heart You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

So today i went and bought me a new pretty dress amd shoes to go with it! it was so gorgeous and i was so excited to get put it on. Then when i did i felt so beautiful! it was the most wonderful feeling in the world!!! Well the reason i got so dressed up was because there was a concert that i was attending. Before the dress up concert there was a small casual concert that i went to also. Jason was there and he said hi to me and asked how i was. but he never said anything about how i looked or anything and i he had plenty of opportunities to after the concert! It just makes me feel so sad inside and all the other compliments that i got from people didn't mean squat! i really shouldn't let him affect me like this but he does! so now at the end of it all i feel just as ugly and unwanted as i did before, but i am still wearing the dress though because i would like to think that he wanted to say something but didn't have the guts to do it. just a stupid girlish fantasy i guess. oh well....i will go and cry and see what tomorrow brings me(and Jason).

So i have a new confusion in my life. ha ha. SO i just got back from this way awesome percusion concert, and i really liked it a lot. And it got me thinking that i really want to learn to play percusion well. And i thought that maybe i could switch instuments and stuff like that, but then i really started thinking and i could never do that becuse i would miss winds way way to bad! but i am just not good enough to compete with all the other flute players and what not. and i fear that i never will be. but i have always wanted to play percusion and i really think i could do it and love it! i don't know what to do though. i am afriad that i will lose so many opportunities if i do that. so i am really torn right now and i don't know what to do. i guess i will just keep up with what i am doing and pray and just hope that the answer will come to me. i guess this is the fun part of deciding what i want to do with my life. oh well...eventually life will go on. talk to ya later.

So today was okay. it started off crappy but gradually got better! i love to go to marching band! maybe it is just i love to drum but something about it just makes me feel happy inside and like i am worth something and can do at least one thing good in my life. yeah then i went to fhe and we went bowling! it was so much fun! i bowled the worst game ever but i still had a ton of fun! so why, diary or anyone who cares to comment, that the world feels the need for secrets? what is the point? most likely in the end they just lead to pain and heart ache. who ever invented them ought to be ashamed fo themselves for coming up with the dirty little buggers! life would be so much easier if we were all open and honest with eachother, because if you think about it that is what all secrets lead to no matter how good the intention is. Lyes and deceit! and it hurts deep down all the way to the surface. i mean how can you trust someone who you find out has been lying to you this whole time. and how can they expect you to trust them? i don't know i just wish the world would just change and we could all be happy. but what fun would life be. i heck life would be boring if you didn't have any emotional pain and suffering.

So guess what! Landen and i talked yesterday and it was great! i told him how i was feeling and he did the same and we helped eachother! wow i feel great! I am so glad that i know he can talk to me! I love this feeling it is like i am in a realationship again and not a one way/sided thing! I love him so much and i think that no matter what happens in life i always will...he will always have a special place in my heart! "I love him, yes I love him!" and it isn't on my own! i am so happy and i can't wait for it to snow! wow life is great and it will be so much better when i know what i am doing with it! Until then have a good Sabath and i hope you all go to church and learn lots! talk to you later! P.S. Landen, I love you! and i miss you too! i will see you soon i hope! Love, your baker lady (if i can still be that?)

Hey there diary! So i ended up having a great night last night! It started out pretty crappy but it ended great! So i was talking to my friend Bryan online and Landen got on and didn't say a word to me. Needless to say I was pretty hurt and upset. Mostly because it really hurt to think that I had gone though so much to keep our relatioship together and he didn't even care. So i was pretty mad and I didn't have anything to do at the time. So Bryan being the nice guy that he is invited to me to go and watch Star Wars III at Sis. Solebergs house. And he told me that Jason was going to be there. So naturally i was so excited to go! So yeah we went and it was so much fun, I got to flirt with Jason and finally see Star Wars III wich i was supposed to see this summer with Landen and he never took me so i was so excited to see it! yea so that was the extent of my wonderful night! Talk to ya later. Good bye yall!

So today was great! i went to all my classes and i just flirted like a ton and a half with fred! he is so awesome! the only crappy thing was that for marching band we had a drill down and it was my one chance to show off that i really can march and i screwed it up! the first time i marched with the flutes, so i thought to my self Self (because that is what you are supposed to call yourself)...Self you should try marching with the drumline! Because we were doing drill downs by section. So i go out there all ready to march and i got out before she even called anything because i was stupid and went from attention with horns up to a parade rest! i am such a moron! oh well i laughed it off and then got to march for the rest of the day because we cleaned drill on the song that i march for! it was great, that was when i was flirting with fred. He is so cute! and such a drummer! holy cow! but he is very good and what he does and is very smart! so yeah...needless to say i had a great day. Oh i forgot the best part! i got to go shopping! it was just for work cloths and i got them at D.I. but hey it was still fun! yeah...so i hope that tomorrow it just as eventfull but most likely not because i will be studying all day for my test on monday and writing a paper for my music history class so we will see...hmmm maybe spence will come over tonight and i can hang out with him, emily and anya...oooooo that would be fun! well i hope that yall out there are having a great life and are just as happy as i am! The Church is true, woo woo!!!! Have a wonderful day or night depending on when you are reading this. Good bye now!

Hello everyone! So lets see what is new in the life of Leza...well mostly all there is, is the fight i got into with Landen last night. It was crazy. Basically all it boiled down to is that i am done with this and don't want any more of the emotioal crap that i have to deal with. I really feel bad because i think that Landen thought it had to do with the fact that he really doesn't talk to me but i reality that wasn't the real reason i was upset. that is just part of it. and there is no way for him to know that. oh well i guess if he wants to work it out bad enough he will talk to me. but i will tell you this i am done! i will no longer come begging and pleading for him to talk to me. because that doesn't get me anywhere and olny causes emotional stress and damage. So yeah that is the extent of my life and i am going to go and clean my apt. so that i can stand to live in it. good bye yall!

So i got this really hott picture of landen! He was so sweet! I was talking to him last night and he was telling me how he was going to dress up in his leather for Halloween today for school. and i told him how hott that must be and how i wanted to see so bad! so he sent me this picture! I asked him to send me another that wasn't so blurry but this will do until i get that one! Oh man I love him to much! He is so attractive! yes so i hope you all enjoy this as much as i do...if not that is okay because he is and always will be incredibly attractive to me and that is all that matters (right hun) Anyhoo so today for FHE we went and watched this "scary" movie out in the woods...but it ended up not even being scary at all except for this one part were the guy that the girl stabbed jumps up and trys to kill her! I jusmped to hi and my FHE brother that was sitting next to me started laughing so hard, but i really was scared! oh well i will get over it! yeah well i am going to bed now! I hope all is going well for everyone! let me know if there is anything i can do to help! Good night yall!

So today was a million and a half times better than this whole stupid week has been. I decided something this morning as i walked to class. I told myself that i wasn't going to let this situation bring me down and make me depressed. That doesn't mean that i don't care, because i think out of everyone invovled i care the most about what happens to Landen. But i put it this way...the Savoir knows all of us and He knows our pains and trials, but do you think He is depressed? NO!!! that is the last thing He is. And He loves and cares about all if us ten milion times more than i care about Landen. So i decided to follow the Savoirs example and still care and love Landen and my other problem people but not to get myself down over it! Besides people like you much better when you are happy. That was my oppifany today. That realization made today absolutely wonderful! It was extremely cold but it was very refreshing. I am also very excited because i have a date tonight. His name is Spence and he is really good friends with my roomate. I think we are going bowling so that will be fun! Anyhoo, Landen is supposed to call me and he hasn't yet so i think i will try to see what is up. I will be back tomorrow! if not sooner. Bye now!