Embracing new life New scenes New ways Love It's been a while since I've updated. woo! Last semester went wonderfully. I keep growing. And As I go through these new experiences my capacity of happiness and ability to love increases! I do believe trials and tribulations really stretch out my heart so more good and fill in the space. And it's been such a wonderful ride! I remember his last words I shouldn't be spiteful. But they go through my head over and over again And I pity But those words are what motivated me. I called mom shortly after "Mom, wil anyone ever want me? Will anyone ever see me for me and love what they see?" I pitied myself for just a moment. I was near the taylor quad when I heard those last words By the time I reached Carriage House I was a new woman. so thank you, dear friend, for that feeble attempt that completley changed my life. Yes,Thank you! So last semester recap. I made new wonderful friends who completely turned my life around. I met people who actually believe in that movie at the end of our lives...and believes and strives for those certain moments. One would turn to me and say, "that was a total moment! The camera was angled like this!"... Or "I really am excited to see that moment again!" I became close to people I never thought I could. I starved and watched the food network channel. I screamed when I saw that doll head pop up in my window... I am on the 2nd floor. I experiened two of my friends getting engages...and never got steak for it. I found my major and my minor and I believe I'll stick to it. Sociology and marriage and family studies. I regained my love for love and I have a totally different self esteem. my swirl is going up. I bought this new laptop for 500 dollars and it works like a dream. I cried a LOT I became and ambassidor and IREP leader... I broke the rules. And through rocks at doors... I transformed and I'm happy. I'm motivated. I'm moving forward. Oh, and I fell in love mmmm. which love saved my life and I'm eternally grateful. It was almost forbidden. But we let it live. Such a crazy ride! I love that boy even now. Here in your arms-hellogoodbye driving in his truck his hand on my knee he listening to every word I said (or giving the appearence of listening) Long walks overcoming every little thing pushing the button on the climbing wall finding the large water bug and later disposing of it because it turned the container black crazy neighbors who begged for starburst throwing rocks at his door and spraying him with the water gun...he was so proud crossing the railroad tracks and that simple question-"where" haha weekend trips to rigby and IF almost drowning and proving that body heat really is the only way to get warm. those crazy blacklight dances and the loveyoulongtime concert. I really do hope you choke and die. stadium singing and the smell of pickles moments of silence with outbursts of laughter 15 minute naps and studying for hours in that lounge that smelt like moldy clothes birthday wishes and priesthood blessings That trip to G's and tears overflowing Whispered those before taboo words saying goodbye Oh, what a ride we're on. Now pressing on not knowing whats ahead. Florida and RExburg. Bring it on

So, I'm in a pretty bad mood. haha, I really never sleep very much and when I do it's not good REM sleep or whatever. Last night I stayed out way too late. Nate's ward had a bomb fire at 2 dam. They were nice. Nate went out of control with the marshmellows. nut case. It was nice to be warm!!! And I absolutly love being by the fire, I was just tired last night so I wasn't that fun of a person. yup. So, I remember Kory Larsons Lesson in Sunday school when he suggest to carry a pebble in your pocket to remind you of all your blessings. Well, frankly i'm too cold to go outside and get a pebble - so Im just going to list somethings instead. I know for sure I'll be in a better mood and a more benificial contributer to society. (as in I wont scowl and roll my eyes at you as I think to myself how big of an idiot you are.) Wow! -I have a warm bed -the government is PAYING ME to go to college. woo! -I have good friends. -my cell phone -sleep -sleep -sleep -reading the book of mormon has been a great strength for me. There's somehting about that book. I really love it and I know it's the word of God. I have really dived into latley. -I have a job working with people. I love working with people. -I have my own bedroom. -I'm moving out in 15 days. -my hair straightener -sunshine -Andrew Kauffman, the guest who I really like. Oh, and Larry Christensen. -hilarious spanish speaking housemaids who really don't speak a lick of english but try to talk to me anyways. they call me Christian. -Nate's ability to be absolutly crazy but embaressed when I break out my kick boxing moves in public. -textmessaging -the song gotta go my own way. oh, how I relate. -music in general -chapstick!!! -computeres...did I say that already? hmm. -cold medicine and only 6 more hours of thsi awfulboring place. -being active. so close, soo soo close.' -michelle kwan -showers -mum let me drive HER car to work today while she took the truck. -starting school in about two weeks. -my boss and his hilarious indian accent. -cold pills finaly kicking in. -Mark's influence for good in my life. -I can be me and that's all that matters. that's what makes me me. yup. I'm not you. I'm me. yup yup yup. -prayer. -simplicity. -serendipities -hand holding/ cuddling. IT's vital. -positive touch all around. -I just had a twenty minute conversation about the benifits of becoming a youth councelor. I really really want to do it. my favorite guest (andrew Kauffman) talked to me about his career in youth counceling and his concerns about teen sexuality. Good conversation. I want to be someone who makes a difference. -reading pro abstinince articles. -it's almost 10 and so I only 5 hours to go. heh, its not that bad. I'd still be sleeping if I were at home and now I'm learning. yay. -entertainment. okay, it worked! I'm feeling mucho better. apart from making this list I did start reading and now I'm not completly wasting my life away. Thank goodness this job has only been temporary. Call me babe.

Oh, My. So much is going on. So, I have been thinking about all that I have learned while being on this lovely planet. (wow...do I sound like an outsider or what?!) Life's Lessons. There's no particular order, this first is just fresh on my mind because I'm at work. Yup. -Some people just suck. Yup. -Life is a marathon, not a race. -texting is just another form of interpersonal communication. -Love is an ability, not a feeling. -Heartache happens -Never try to fix the steering wheele while driving. -Mark Rasmuson is extrememly good looking. -I'm attracted to a good back of the head. -Dancing in private is always the best way to rock out. -Bathroom counters are slippery...always. -Life is how I make it. -BYU Idaho is really NOT a prude school. -Face it, scatting is just irrisistable. -The more I read the Book of Mormon, Docterine and Covenants, Old and New Testiment, and other such books the more I want to read. -Older brothers were born to drive little sisters absolutly mad. -Being the middle child really has its benifits. -I am so not ready to get married even though I've got everything planned except the groom. -I'm passive, but when I explode...I really explode. -I'm an emotional person and I'm extrememly hard on myself. -Work out. -Miracles happen. -Every girl looks good in White. -I like my legs. -I choose who I date. ha. -Some people are just really strange. -Working as a hotel front desk clerk has its perks - like feeling really good because you have a home to sleep in and a fridge full of food. -A person's a person no matter how small, smelly, stupid, mean, ugly, illiterate, etc. love em anyways. -I shouldn't let people walk all over me. -weird dreams are sometimes extrememly benificial -My indian boss is one of the nicest men I know - don't judge off of other's judgements. -Humility is the way to extreme happiness. -My neighbors will ALWAYS entertain me. -I always have an escape. -Don't give in when he says "Marry me now." -dwell on those feelings that are good and press on. -MY OPINIONS AND THOUGHTS MATTER. thank you. -Gordon B. Hinckley was the cutest old man, ever. -familes can be together forever and one day we all will be perfect...so being together forever wont seem so bad. ha! -Keep moving forward. -Michaels is always a fun store to go to and it's extremly addictive. (even though I'm NOT crafty and never intend on being so.) -I like what I like and it's cool. -There's always someone who has it worst/better. -relationships take effort. -doctors are usually right but when they're wrong they're really wrong. -It's not always smart to listen to my heart. -The song Take on Me is still the ultimate dance-in-the-bathroom-with-the-doors-locked song. Yup! -Inside jokes are always funny even years after! -It's better to not beat around the bush for certain situations. -Never tell your mother you want to marry the one man she has had problems with you dating...especially the day she was let go from her career. -waking before the sun rises is never a good feeling, except after the sun rises. -I have the COOLEST last name. -I have never been more lonely in my life- yet I have never learned so much in my life than being home for the winter. -I pulled off yellow even when my family said it wasn't possible. ha! -I'm at times spiteful. -I have a cleaning anxiety. If I can't control the mess in my enviroment I start to have an attack. No lie. -I really like to clean bathrooms. -people come into my life for a reason. There's not coincidences. -I feel happier and fuller when I'm a believer. -my glass is half full. -Telling someone I'm really great at ice skating always backfires. the love for the sport does not enhance my ability. -I love to learn. -The song "breakfast at Tiffany's" Is pretty awesome. -lilacs bloom in the spring! yup!

aw, spring. such strange emotions come over me. Wait, I can't blame that on spring. That's my inability to make up my mind. Levels of estrogen are high. hahaha... Yes, so It's warming up slowly...but surely! I'm so sick of being cold. Ugh!But, spring always seems so much nicer. Oh, Spring. lilacs. I wonder if I'll miss the lilacs this year...oh sad day! That's spring. Running outside and letting the rain drench me. Standing my the lilac bushes...

Mark and I had a discussion the other night about our ideal relationships. Hmm, now It's been on my mind a lot. childish, maybe, but I see it as just moving forward! haha. I realized I have never really thought about my relationship so much. I've come to know more of what I want and need, but not necissarily the relationship it's self. I think I'm the only girl on the planet who hasn't thought about it. hmm. I definitly want a partner. Someone who completes me. I'm finding as I'm growing up more (maturing in a nonadult/boring way)that the thought of working with someone for...forever seems quite nice and seems meant to be. destiny. supposed to be that way, you know?! I feel more ready. I think a partnership sounds quite romantic! :) I used to want to strive for my independence and individuality, but now it's not so important. I'm becoming more of my own person, instead of who exactly I feel my mum wants me to be. She's tried to raise me to be totally independent and able to take care of myself. I see that as very good, and I'm grateful for her, but now...I want to work with someone else. now, I'm not saying I'm going to go out and get married to the first person who comes along. That's stupid! But, I feel more prepared. And I feel good about that. Growing up isn't so bad. I decide how it's going to be. Well, to an extent. Relationships are how I make them. I definitly want to put my whole heart in it. My faith is increasing more and more every day. I'm taking more leaps and leaning more upon my Heavenly Father. I feel his peace and constant comfort and strength. He's on my side and he's cheering me on! Yeah, that feels good. Back to the partnership and feeling ready. I talked to Liz on Saturday about life. I told her I sometimes feel like I'm not progressing at all, but more of quite the opposite. She told me to run away from what is holding me back and run fast! Oh, liz. she knows me better than probably anyone else. she looked me sternly in the eyes and told me I am a daughter of God and I have so much potential to bless otheres. She doesn't want my light to go out. Liz is special. she's different. she's intune! Yeah, so it helped me a lot to talk with her. She asked me if I think I'm ready to get married. I look at my mom with her disapproving look, turned back to liz and said, "yes." she smiled and mom frowned. She said she didn't want to see what happened to Amy to happen to me. Liz piped up and said that's not really possible. Amy and I are quite different people. I had some quests come in asking about the internet. I liked the way they worked together. They supported each other and pretty much finished each other's sentences. She supported what he did when he came in the back looking for a router. Oh, to have a partnership like that. Later they called in the front office and told me they had accidently stolen a pillow from another hotel. They wanted me to call the hotel and tell them they had the pillow and they would be returning it. haha! Later they called back and told me they realized they hadn't stolen a pillow. The man said, "we're just trying to be honest!" Oh, dear! I love people!I'm going to have that. So, I'm at work again...as always. I'm pretty sure when I'm done working here I'll look back and just laugh at all the experiences I've had here. Cops taking down a guest. They drunk man asking me to buy a lighter. The jerk man yelling at me and telling me I have no integrety. the house maids laughing at me the time I tried explaining how to make a path in the snow. The master key never working. Yeah...good good times! I have been told that I need a hobby... Maybe everyone's right. Liz is getting me the numbers for some crises centers so I can volunteer there. She wants me to be fully aware of what happens in abusive relationships. :) Today, I'm going snowshoeing with Nate! This shall be interesting!

Wow, it's been a while! I almost forgot I had this little journal. this is a tangent entry. This break home has been the greatest learning experience of my life.I feel like salt water taffy- being pulled and tugged every which way. But, as we all know, thats the only way the taffy gets soft and chewable! Yes, looking on the bright side! a couple of weeks ago bree and I went to the HANNAH MONTANA 3D CONCERT!!! Yeah, it was pretty good. haha! We were by far the oldest fans there. I loved it! I've really been struggling with things I never thought I would struggle with. I find that every time I feel like I know who I am something else happens and I'm thrown out of my comfort spot totaly. But, I'm also finding that the warm water starts to get cool and it's time to move on! I'm not so scared of taking bigger risks (that are sooo worth it). I must step into the darkness to truely see the light. wow, this life is really all about taking those leaps of faith. right now I'm doing a little more than leaping! Ive been seeing more of Mark lately. It's been a difficult trial, I'll admit, but part of that is my own doing. He's really helped me learn a whole lot about myself, life, love, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love learning from him. Most of the time I feel like a little tag along. He's just so above me sometimes...most of the time. But, I love him. He;s been a great friend, especially at those times when I didn't have anyone. He's taking me out tonight to the play and I'm pretty dang excited! How I talked him into going to the play is beyond me! We're even dressing up! Mark's been good to me and for me. I realised pushing him away after all of this has been really selfish and ungrateful of me. I'm sorry mark. I do not know where this is going to go, but I'm definitly learning so much and I love the experience. This butt-crazy-lovely life! I've also been seeing a lot of Nate. Yeah, he's cute. haha. We've gone out about...6 times I think. haha, they all have been really fun dates and I love getting to know him! He is totaly out of control! It's pretty hilarious! Yep Yep Yep! Elder Matt Ditto sent me a letter that I recieved yesterday. He's so funny! He's doing really well and soon he'll leave the MTC and start serving in Russia. I love the change that has come over him! He's different. He's becoming that diamond I saw deep inside him. HE's becoming the man the Lord needs him to be. He is going to be a great instrument on his mission. I hope and pray he continues to stay humble. That kid had such a big head before his mission. I always felt it my obligation to tell him so, too. I don't know what it is about matt, but its as if we were supposed to be friends. He's sure helped me a lot, too. I love his letters. Anyways, last night was a really good night. as I was shoveling my driveway I watched my neighbors. They all seemed to be helping someone else out. I felt so...connected to them. these are the people I have grown up with always knowing. Kim Hall was shoveling Carol's driveway. He's out there everytime it snows. The Halls are always helping Carol. They have a lot of patience! I really love Carol though, despite everything. she's the crazy neighbor next door that I will ALWAYS remember!!! I am richly blessed. The other side of my house someone else was doing Ruth's driveway. Even though Ruth is cranky and seems to always be yelling at us, I really like her! She has every right to be bitter, I think. I always like to garden when she's outside. I love hearing her mutter and talk to her ducks. She's a lovely woman! And then there's mike. Oh, dear Mike! He came iwth his snow blowing right when I was finishing. He was too late. I find it so interesting that here is this man who is so against the church, yet deep deep down there's so much of Christ in him. I think he would hate me if I ever told him that. He seems to want to always help me out. He tried finding me a car in my price range last summer. He was disappointed when I told him my real price range. Mike is great. We chatted about his daughter for a while, then we went back to work. He laughed when he sprayed his snow on my newly finished driveway. What a nerd. Yeah, I love me neighbors...my cranky, old, smelly neighbors! Now I'm just chillin at my ghetto hotel, my new place of employment! I love it!! even though the boss is physcho...It's pretty great. I work full time and pretty much get paid to do what I'm doing right now. I love to talk to the customers and learn about their lives. I'm finding that some people just need someone to talk to once in a while. I'll definitly be that person! I also LOVE the housemaids! oh my word! They all don't speak very much english, but if they did I'm sure we would be great friends! but, then again I think I'm friends with just about everyone... My favorite is the girl who comes in to clean the lobby. She's soooo cute! She calls me Christian, but I don't mind because at least shes calling me by...a name. she always smiles and says hi. I wish we could talk to each other more. I should make her a valentine card...yeah! So, this is my life in a nutshell... I'm very excited to go back to school in April. I've just about earned enough money for rent and everything! wahoo! life has been very good! Very hard with decisions I have to make. Full of a lot of disappointments also this past winter...but I'm learning and growing and becoming better! That's all that matters! I also love my ward very much now. when I first moved back I almost switched wards because I thought no one wanted to get to know me. I realise that I have been giving off the "don't talk to me" vibe. But, I'm loving everyone in the ward now. They're such good people. Good to the core! They are so including and willing to serve each other. yep yep yep! I feel like I've really been growing up, and I like it! Odd! Yeah Yeah, Everything is falling into place again. People come into your life for a reason. We may never know that reason, but I believe that's true.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written here. wooo! So, I'm home until April and I'm not trying to find a night job just incase my day job doesn't work out too well. I'll be substitute teaching during the day, but I don't know if I'll get a lot of work. wow, so I find myself day dreaming a lot. IT's sad. I do it almost constantly. I play senerios in my head...I usually snap out of them when I feel myself smiling and my head starts slipping to the side. Today mum informed me that I need to get off my butt and start working... I also finished my letter to matt ( he's been gone for a month now!)We're pretty close between our letters. The self-disclosure level is now at the 4th and deepest level- feelings. Haha, not that we talk about our feelings for each other. heaven's we're JUST friends, but I'm glad he shares his feelings about his mission with me. I'm so proud of him. He's pretty neat! I then went job hunting with mark today. Haha. We're nuts together. Sigh, I wish I were older...just for him. I feel like it's my fault my friends don't like him. I don't nicely about him. well, yeah...we'll see. We ran around smithfield picking up job applications. that kid kills me! yeah...

So, I'm home for 4 months. Wow, I just don't know what to do with myself. I really just don't know. I can't even think. Matt's been gone for almost 2 weeks now. He wrote me already and told me how much he loves being a missionary. I love Christmas time. A time to think about Christ. I have realized how much I took for granted a lot of things. Being in Rexburg with a lot of people who never had members in their schools. I hope I'm not like the rest of the members of my church that people hate. the "Utah Mormon". Man oh man. Going to school up there was extremely humbling for me. :) I love life because with everything I go through I have the oppurtunity to change who I am for the better. Maybe by the time I'm 90 I'll have this life figured out. I have merely just begun. I discovered I had a crush on a boy the last week up there. Well, I guess you could say we had a little fling. He held my hand for a minute. haha. I haven't held someone's hand in such a long time. We also cuddled in my closet, but then he stabbed me and steph in the back and left me heartbroken and dead. (you'd have to be there) I'm realizing how important touch is and how abused it is, too. It's beautiful. I hate how touch is distorted and turned into this lustful thing. Wow... Right now I really have no idea where I'm going in life. I have one goal and that's to get back to RExburg. yikes. It's just different now and it will be for a while. It's never really goodbye. Hey, the future is bright! keep moving forward! Somehow my life always works out for the better. Here we go again.

So, he's leaving on his mission in two weeks. I think I over did it by having feelings for him. He's just some guy. Maybe I just like him to like him. haha...you know me. But, now he's leaving in two weeks. Ah! It's just too too bad. It just feels good to be around him. I just like to talk to him. I like it when he smiles. When he gets a big head. I'm stopping now! Feels natural to be his friend. but, I've got to stop this feeling now. haha, or I'll be miserable for quite a while. stop. I'm at the library on campus. Haha, this is what I do on friday nights. I have this killer research paper. I haven't even started writing really yet. I have my abstract that I need to condense, but the pieces I'm taking out of it are turning into my introduction. Ha! I'm not sure of what APA is and what she expects me to do. I don't know how I'm going to get it down by monday, but I will! I really need to work so I can reward myself with a game of fugitive with my FHE brothers. hahaha! It's good to write, though.

A part of me wants to hold on to the season that just passed. I want to stay that little girl with twists and turns full of laughter, wonder, and love. Pure and innocent love consumed me and him. IT feels like he is almost dead to me. It's all gone. I long to go back to that day when he'd run to me. We'd grab hands and walk side by side. IT's all over now. A part of me knows I must emrace this new seaons in my life. His nose fits perfect to mine. I cried and he called me sweet heart as he pulled me closer to him. The feeling was so peaceful. What am I to do? I would hold on to that other boy if I could. I don't want to let it go. It's apart of me. I feel like I'm splitting into two. more like three! You have a different voice, but you will be heart. Oh little one you have so much to give and your time will come. but it will be heard. the music of your heart, the voice that will echo through time. To love is to see the face of God.

MAlc came over for lunch today. I enjoyed him so much. We had our teddy bears and we sprayed out scents all over them. The front room still smells. It's so crazy...This. I have so much to do. I held my head back and danced in the rain.

I move out on Saturday!

I move out on Saturday!

wooooo! It's a beautiful day! Spinning. Life has been so crazy latley, but I find my self very calm. I'm still medicated, that's why. I'm finaly done with all my doctor's appointments. I had...eight! Sick, but I'm done. I love my new urinologist! I have lost all personal pride, but he's made me healthy! That was a little too much information... Malc stopped by after Jo, brad and landen left on Tuesday. Oh my word. I heard his heart beat and cried. It is beautiful. We talked a little, but mostly I just layed my head on his shoulder and sighed. I love that boy. But, in a good way. He gives me wings to fly. He's my best friend. He's opened my heart to love and now letting me go. Dream big, butterfly. And he kisses my hair. IT's like... I know we're moving on. We're growing up and becoming the people we wont to be. We're seeing other people and going our own ways. But, I know it's all goign to be wonderful. I take this life one day at a time. I see mark about three times a week. We have so much fun. IT's weird, we're becoming really good friends. We watched ice princess at his house the other night. He bought me a jones soda and I gave him my sucker! Later he told me I'm funny looking from upside down, so I kicked him in the shoulder. We have fun. I always used to think that once they hit 22 they're suddenly mature. Mark...We'll leave it at that. turn around Tomorrow should be my last day of work. Agh! And I'm missing it already. I really have liked working wih Lisa these past weeks. I like it. Today though, they had to send me home. Ihaven't eaten for over 50 hours. Yeah...So I was way scatterd. Andrew laughed at me...and I almost barfed when some smelly farmers came in. Steph rang me up some chicken and I felt better. Wow... School! I'm going restless. Ive talked to a couple of my roomates. I love them so far. My roommate stephanie from washington is hilarious. We re going to get along. The other one is from hawaii and she's beautiful. Mark said it's good to have hot roommates because all the guys will be over. hmm... Yup

Life is nuts! I keep listening to my highschool musical 2 music. I like it! Especially "I gotta go my own way" It's kind of the song of my life now. Oh Malc. Well! Life is good. I went to two doctor's yesterday. They both Said I'm too stressed and my body is being affected by it. Yeah, everyone thinks I'm happy and carefree. Yeah, right. So, they tried giving me suggestions to calm me down. It's home. Why must I have anxiety problems? Me? I'm a happy and optimistic person. Aren't I? One doctor figured out what's wrong iwth me in a matter of minutes. My old doctor could never figure it out. He had no time for me. The last few appointments he barely talked to me. Sheesh...we pay him enough. So, I hope I can calm down. Except I have complete new things to stress out about. MArk. oh, Mark... Never thought an older guy would ever like me. I look like I'm about 15. I love it when everyone says that too...gag. But, When everyone looks their age in the future they won't make fun of me! Wham! I'll look 25 when I'm 40! *smiles smugly* See, I'm releaving stress already. haha. He said so many things I can't even write. I'velost my paper journal, but I refuse to let everything out here. Hahahaha... Anyhoo. Last night was good. We watched lady in water with Devon and his girlfriend. Mark was so excited to see it. He's like a little kid. He took me home and we ended up talking for an hour and a half on my porch. Sigh...HE said he cares about me. He asked me to save him a saturday night.Man oh man. IT feels good to talk to him. We'll see what happens. With him I break all my rules. I don't like that. But, I was glad he was sickened when I told him I got a tattoo. haha...ha. So! Malc and I are on better terms than ever really. I haven't talked to him in a while face to face, but he left me a message last night that was nice. That kid...I'm more than willing to wait for him, but he's got to have his own time first. I do too. This is my time to shine! Yes it is. I'm glad I have a good friend who helps me do that. Speaking of.. Bree is leaving me tomorrow. Man oh man! I can't stand all this constant change. WE grew really really close this summer. I saw her about everyday. Talked to her everyday. But, there's always those people that you know you're going to see. I'm not worried about it. I still see sara all the time. I miss her too... man oh man oh freaking man. Life... If we are to achieve results never before accomplished, we must expect to employ methods never before attempted. Francis Bacon

Life is nuts! I keep listening to my highschool musical 2 music. I like it! Especially "I gotta go my own way" It's kind of the song of my life now. Oh Malc. Well! Life is good. I went to two doctor's yesterday. They both Said I'm too stressed and my body is being affected by it. Yeah, everyone thinks I'm happy and carefree. Yeah, right. So, they tried giving me suggestions to calm me down. It's home. Why must I have anxiety problems? Me? I'm a happy and optimistic person. Aren't I? One doctor figured out what's wrong iwth me in a matter of minutes. My old doctor could never figure it out. He had no time for me. The last few appointments he barely talked to me. Sheesh...we pay him enough. So, I hope I can calm down. Except I have complete new things to stress out about. MArk. oh, Mark... Never thought an older guy would ever like me. I look like I'm about 15. I love it when everyone says that too...gag. But, When everyone looks their age in the future they won't make fun of me! Wham! I'll look 25 when I'm 40! *smiles smugly* See, I'm releaving stress already. haha. He said so many things I can't even write. I'velost my paper journal, but I refuse to let everything out here. Hahahaha... Anyhoo. Last night was good. We watched lady in water with Devon and his girlfriend. Mark was so excited to see it. He's like a little kid. He took me home and we ended up talking for an hour and a half on my porch. Sigh...HE said he cares about me. He asked me to save him a saturday night.Man oh man. IT feels good to talk to him. We'll see what happens. With him I break all my rules. I don't like that. But, I was glad he was sickened when I told him I got a tattoo. haha...ha. So! Malc and I are on better terms than ever really. I haven't talked to him in a while face to face, but he left me a message last night that was nice. That kid...I'm more than willing to wait for him, but he's got to have his own time first. I do too. This is my time to shine! Yes it is. I'm glad I have a good friend who helps me do that. Speaking of.. Bree is leaving me tomorrow. Man oh man! I can't stand all this constant change. WE grew really really close this summer. I saw her about everyday. Talked to her everyday. But, there's always those people that you know you're going to see. I'm not worried about it. I still see sara all the time. I miss her too... man oh man oh freaking man. Life... If we are to achieve results never before accomplished, we must expect to employ methods never before attempted. Francis Bacon

Life is nuts! I keep listening to my highschool musical 2 music. I like it! Especially "I gotta go my own way" It's kind of the song of my life now. Oh Malc. Well! Life is good. I went to two doctor's yesterday. They both Said I'm too stressed and my body is being affected by it. Yeah, everyone thinks I'm happy and carefree. Yeah, right. So, they tried giving me suggestions to calm me down. It's home. Why must I have anxiety problems? Me? I'm a happy and optimistic person. Aren't I? One doctor figured out what's wrong iwth me in a matter of minutes. My old doctor could never figure it out. He had no time for me. The last few appointments he barely talked to me. Sheesh...we pay him enough. So, I hope I can calm down. Except I have complete new things to stress out about. MArk. oh, Mark... Never thought an older guy would ever like me. I look like I'm about 15. I love it when everyone says that too...gag. But, When everyone looks their age in the future they won't make fun of me! Wham! I'll look 25 when I'm 40! *smiles smugly* See, I'm releaving stress already. haha. He said so many things I can't even write. I'velost my paper journal, but I refuse to let everything out here. Hahahaha... Anyhoo. Last night was good. We watched lady in water with Devon and his girlfriend. Mark was so excited to see it. He's like a little kid. He took me home and we ended up talking for an hour and a half on my porch. Sigh...HE said he cares about me. He asked me to save him a saturday night.Man oh man. IT feels good to talk to him. We'll see what happens. With him I break all my rules. I don't like that. But, I was glad he was sickened when I told him I got a tattoo. haha...ha. So! Malc and I are on better terms than ever really. I haven't talked to him in a while face to face, but he left me a message last night that was nice. That kid...I'm more than willing to wait for him, but he's got to have his own time first. I do too. This is my time to shine! Yes it is. I'm glad I have a good friend who helps me do that. Speaking of.. Bree is leaving me tomorrow. Man oh man! I can't stand all this constant change. WE grew really really close this summer. I saw her about everyday. Talked to her everyday. But, there's always those people that you know you're going to see. I'm not worried about it. I still see sara all the time. I miss her too... man oh man oh freaking man. Life... If we are to achieve results never before accomplished, we must expect to employ methods never before attempted. Francis Bacon

Life is nuts! I keep listening to my highschool musical 2 music. I like it! Especially "I gotta go my own way" It's kind of the song of my life now. Oh Malc. Well! Life is good. I went to two doctor's yesterday. They both Said I'm too stressed and my body is being affected by it. Yeah, everyone thinks I'm happy and carefree. Yeah, right. So, they tried giving me suggestions to calm me down. It's home. Why must I have anxiety problems? Me? I'm a happy and optimistic person. Aren't I? One doctor figured out what's wrong iwth me in a matter of minutes. My old doctor could never figure it out. He had no time for me. The last few appointments he barely talked to me. Sheesh...we pay him enough. So, I hope I can calm down. Except I have complete new things to stress out about. MArk. oh, Mark... Never thought an older guy would ever like me. I look like I'm about 15. I love it when everyone says that too...gag. But, When everyone looks their age in the future they won't make fun of me! Wham! I'll look 25 when I'm 40! *smiles smugly* See, I'm releaving stress already. haha. He said so many things I can't even write. I'velost my paper journal, but I refuse to let everything out here. Hahahaha... Anyhoo. Last night was good. We watched lady in water with Devon and his girlfriend. Mark was so excited to see it. He's like a little kid. He took me home and we ended up talking for an hour and a half on my porch. Sigh...HE said he cares about me. He asked me to save him a saturday night.Man oh man. IT feels good to talk to him. We'll see what happens. With him I break all my rules. I don't like that. But, I was glad he was sickened when I told him I got a tattoo. haha...ha. So! Malc and I are on better terms than ever really. I haven't talked to him in a while face to face, but he left me a message last night that was nice. That kid...I'm more than willing to wait for him, but he's got to have his own time first. I do too. This is my time to shine! Yes it is. I'm glad I have a good friend who helps me do that. Speaking of.. Bree is leaving me tomorrow. Man oh man! I can't stand all this constant change. WE grew really really close this summer. I saw her about everyday. Talked to her everyday. But, there's always those people that you know you're going to see. I'm not worried about it. I still see sara all the time. I miss her too... man oh man oh freaking man. Life... If we are to achieve results never before accomplished, we must expect to employ methods never before attempted. Francis Bacon

Life is nuts! I keep listening to my highschool musical 2 music. I like it! Especially "I gotta go my own way" It's kind of the song of my life now. Oh Malc. Well! Life is good. I went to two doctor's yesterday. They both Said I'm too stressed and my body is being affected by it. Yeah, everyone thinks I'm happy and carefree. Yeah, right. So, they tried giving me suggestions to calm me down. It's home. Why must I have anxiety problems? Me? I'm a happy and optimistic person. Aren't I? One doctor figured out what's wrong iwth me in a matter of minutes. My old doctor could never figure it out. He had no time for me. The last few appointments he barely talked to me. Sheesh...we pay him enough. So, I hope I can calm down. Except I have complete new things to stress out about. MArk. oh, Mark... Never thought an older guy would ever like me. I look like I'm about 15. I love it when everyone says that too...gag. But, When everyone looks their age in the future they won't make fun of me! Wham! I'll look 25 when I'm 40! *smiles smugly* See, I'm releaving stress already. haha. He said so many things I can't even write. I'velost my paper journal, but I refuse to let everything out here. Hahahaha... Anyhoo. Last night was good. We watched lady in water with Devon and his girlfriend. Mark was so excited to see it. He's like a little kid. He took me home and we ended up talking for an hour and a half on my porch. Sigh...HE said he cares about me. He asked me to save him a saturday night.Man oh man. IT feels good to talk to him. We'll see what happens. With him I break all my rules. I don't like that. But, I was glad he was sickened when I told him I got a tattoo. haha...ha. So! Malc and I are on better terms than ever really. I haven't talked to him in a while face to face, but he left me a message last night that was nice. That kid...I'm more than willing to wait for him, but he's got to have his own time first. I do too. This is my time to shine! Yes it is. I'm glad I have a good friend who helps me do that. Speaking of.. Bree is leaving me tomorrow. Man oh man! I can't stand all this constant change. WE grew really really close this summer. I saw her about everyday. Talked to her everyday. But, there's always those people that you know you're going to see. I'm not worried about it. I still see sara all the time. I miss her too... man oh man oh freaking man. Life... If we are to achieve results never before accomplished, we must expect to employ methods never before attempted. Francis Bacon

Life is nuts! I keep listening to my highschool musical 2 music. I like it! Especially "I gotta go my own way" It's kind of the song of my life now. Oh Malc. Well! Life is good. I went to two doctor's yesterday. They both Said I'm too stressed and my body is being affected by it. Yeah, everyone thinks I'm happy and carefree. Yeah, right. So, they tried giving me suggestions to calm me down. It's home. Why must I have anxiety problems? Me? I'm a happy and optimistic person. Aren't I? One doctor figured out what's wrong iwth me in a matter of minutes. My old doctor could never figure it out. He had no time for me. The last few appointments he barely talked to me. Sheesh...we pay him enough. So, I hope I can calm down. Except I have complete new things to stress out about. MArk. oh, Mark... Never thought an older guy would ever like me. I look like I'm about 15. I love it when everyone says that too...gag. But, When everyone looks their age in the future they won't make fun of me! Wham! I'll look 25 when I'm 40! *smiles smugly* See, I'm releaving stress already. haha. He said so many things I can't even write. I'velost my paper journal, but I refuse to let everything out here. Hahahaha... Anyhoo. Last night was good. We watched lady in water with Devon and his girlfriend. Mark was so excited to see it. He's like a little kid. He took me home and we ended up talking for an hour and a half on my porch. Sigh...HE said he cares about me. He asked me to save him a saturday night.Man oh man. IT feels good to talk to him. We'll see what happens. With him I break all my rules. I don't like that. But, I was glad he was sickened when I told him I got a tattoo. haha...ha. So! Malc and I are on better terms than ever really. I haven't talked to him in a while face to face, but he left me a message last night that was nice. That kid...I'm more than willing to wait for him, but he's got to have his own time first. I do too. This is my time to shine! Yes it is. I'm glad I have a good friend who helps me do that. Speaking of.. Bree is leaving me tomorrow. Man oh man! I can't stand all this constant change. WE grew really really close this summer. I saw her about everyday. Talked to her everyday. But, there's always those people that you know you're going to see. I'm not worried about it. I still see sara all the time. I miss her too... man oh man oh freaking man. Life... If we are to achieve results never before accomplished, we must expect to employ methods never before attempted. Francis Bacon