Infomercials

These are just some awesome commercials I’d like to see on TV one day. Is your home protected from real danger? You may have flood, fire, mite, theft, vandalism, ice, storm, hurricane, tornado, slow decay, fast decay, car collision, and tree falling insurance protecting your home but believe me you’re missing the most vital protection. Slashers. That’s right, those menacing, relentless, psycho-sociopaths that just can’t stop sharing their unique love with everybody who happens to be underage. Do you know what that means for you parents? Blood, guts, ass, all over your carpets and walls, destroyed books shelves, slash marks on your walls, clogged plumbing, and frayed electrical wiring. If that isn’t enough, your house is left smelling similar to a roman bathhouse; that distinct musky smells of sex, blood, vomit, alcohol and crap. So get your home insured now before a slasher decides to redecorate your home with the insides of your adolescent nuisance. He maybe doing you a favor by terminating the life of your smug know-it-all teenage daughter or son but he is ruining your hard earned home. Get protected now, before it’s too late. Is life getting you down? Is each day better than the next? Do you feel your life spiraling out of control, sinking quickly into an abyss? Does the thought of ending your own life please you? Are all your friends laughing behind your back? Do people treat you worse than the ground they walk on? Are you booed out of a bar just for showing up? Yes? You need a career change. You may have deep underlying psychological problems repressed in the recesses of your mind while suffering from a chronic inferiority complex, but that can all be cured with a simple career change. Statistics show that people with post-secondary education will earn up to 1 million dollars more in a life time than a high school graduate. So come to ITT Tech, the institution of technology. We will train you with the skills you need to enter an over saturated field of work where these skills won’t be enough to compete with other more prestigious post-secondary schools. However we guarantee your parents, relatives, close friends will all look at you in a new perspective. If you work hard you may achieved the esteemed status of “mediocre”. Hurry and apply now, positions are filling quickly and space is limited. Get ITT educated and be mediocre. For tough jobs leave it to tough men. Hire Thugs-4-less to take care of unsavory deeds you can’t morally complete. Thugs-4-less is a business run by secretive executives that saw a vast market for hired guns. In fact, Thugs-4-less has the most expansive holster of professional and amateur mercenaries; Mystic Ninjas, Swashbuckling Pirates, Ignorant Brutes, Wily Bandits, Scummy Swindlers, Sharp shooting Assassins and this month’s popular request Merciless Androids. Thugs-4-less employees take their jobs seriously and will perform any deed with professional care. Have a particular fantasy or request? No problem! Here at Thugs-4-less we do customs jobs free of charge. If it’s imaginative and unique you’ll be entered for the “Elite Sociopath of our Century” award. Thugs-4-less guarantees safe anonymity and will never share your information with a third party. If you can’t beat them, arranged to have them beaten; hire Thugs-4-less. The world is a perilous place to live nowadays. I’m not talking about the mass murderers, gangs, wars, terrorists, rapist, sexual predators, pedophiles, super villains, stock swindlers, drug dealers, thieves, brigands, pirates, pimps or even George Bush. I’m talking about zombies; those over zealous bastards that still maintain a healthy active life style longer after they’ve expired. Have no fear. We at Undead-B-Dead industries have a wide array of personal weaponry adept at sending them back to the grave. Salt Cheap and effective. Comes with out Patented witchcraft guarantee. Brick Thick, heavy and perfect for your head bludgeoning needs. Your choice of colour. Mutated Maggots Maggots are a zombie’s worse nightmare. Imagine what he or she will think when 3 or 4 of these radioactive maggots get unleashed. Tomahawk Same effect as the brick with the newly added feature of tying it to a stick for added reach. Pistol Expensive and runs outta ammo during the worse possible time. But it has some amazing stopping power for those more persistent mobile dead. Laser Gun Top of the line technology, although still buggy, will vaporize anything it hits. Friendly point and shoot user interface. Get trust worthy equipment, Get Undead-B-Dead certified weaponry for your undead killing needs.
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