I've been feeling super stressed lately. I thought maybe spilling to the world (where no one really sees me anyway) was maybe a way to let go.

Where do I even start? It's all this beautifully ironic poetry in my head but it doesn’t come out right anymore.

So what's bothering me? I guess the same typical stuff that bothers everyone.

Money is stressful the bills have been adding up and piling up. It weights heavy. I feel really stressed and bothered that D just leaves it up to me to do it all. The grocery shopping, the bill paying, even was making his dr. appointments when he has his little emergencies. Then the resentment that I get from him because I’m too Nagy or I mother him too much is just bull. I laugh at his attempt to give me a relaxing day. Sure he cleaned really well one day, like two weeks ago and the "sit back and relax" that I got was still to do all the grocery shopping. Of course since he'd been cleaning so much he was too tired to help me put away the groceries and all that is involved with that. I wish I could just let go of the financial responsibilities/duties over to him. I don't want to minimize his contributions cause financially speaking he is contributing. The real responsibility lies with me making sure things get paid. He wouldn't even know what bill that we do have to pay.

I'm also very stressed about school. I know it's mostly my own fault for procrastinating but I’m still just having a head time with this class. It was really defeating to have made a huge mistake on top of the procrastination. Reading the wrong chapters and putting my self behind. I don't want this class to go down the drain. How am I ever going to finish. The fact that I seem to have no affinity for this class is also concerning to me since it is just a taste of what I would be like to be in med school. I think my path is going to lead down a path of psychology since it seems to come more naturally then the medical/physiological aspect. But then I feel like a failure and I really feel that it is the path I want. It's just so hard and I’m not one to put in that much effort. I really want an easy life. I'm not in to working till you die. Why that's just societal convention. Of course it's necessary to a degree but what I want fits into a bigger picture that isn't based in the same reasoning but it would still get me to something that is considered an achievement by society.

I hate my job, I know I say it all the time, I have small window where I start to think it's not so bad but then it changes again like the minute I talk to anyone. The job, the work the set ups and logistics is not hard work at all but it that's fucking company and the people like RP is such a bitch and I hate that she's my manager. The HR lady is a real super bitch and Payroll/supplies are retarded. There is absolutely no communication around there, they don't train anyone worth a shit and talk about everyone behind there backs instead of telling them what was wrong and how to fix it. I can't believe that email about being more careful how about teaching me what to do in the first place so that I would know instead of making me seek after the knowledge myself. I shouldn't have to beg to be taught how to do aspects of my job. I kind of feel trapped by my own device though. I don't know what I’d do about Santa's choice if I quit. D would be pretty furious if I just quit because I don't like it. I would have to be quitting for a specific reason. They would have to do something first. I don't know what to do. I’m barely getting by as it is.

What else is bugging me? I'm stressed about my eyes. The problems I’ve been having lately. Going to my GP today didn't help because you know how much of a bad doctor he is. He barely does his job. He’s also got a stick up his ass. Anyway I adds stress to school cause I can barely read as much as I need to in one sit and it makes my job harder since the writing is small and by the end I have to look away to refocus. Having no money to go to the eye doctor or to buy new glasses if needed is a stress and having to ask mom is crappy since she just spoiled me in February on my trip well it sucks. And it makes me feel old.

D has been stressing me out. I know he works hard but why can't he work at all at home? Why does he think I do nothing when I really do everything in running and maintaining our home? He can't even take out the garbage and things he should get a metal every time he actually does do something. Doing one big thing once every couple of years is nothing to win a metal for. What about every day. How about the 6 loads of dishes and 3 loads of laundry I’ve done since while he can't even return the cheese whiz or his dinner plate into the kitchen when he's done. He can't even throw a packaging wrapper away in the garbage that is located less then 2 feet away from his seat on the couch. It’s ridiculous. And him feeding my cats people food. he can't even change the litter box or go down to feed them cat food but he'll give him milk right out of the jug and leave his dinner plates with left overs on the floor and then he has the nerve to get mad that they stare and beg when you eat or even open the fridge door. He just turned them into savages. I'm also upset that D can't ever even try to be romantic with me just because I don't go to bed at the same time as him. I’m so board with his stupid routine and the fact that he'll only like do it at bed time. It wasn't always like that although he was never very adventurous or exciting when it came to doing it. He's on some stupid kick about having to be taken as right when he talks about some stupid fact and I frankly don't always believe him because he can't state his source and most of his knowledge come from the television. I can't rely on that especially when he takes all these computers generated what would happen or thing this is how it happens shows as fact.

The thing with MM is bothering me a bit too. I can't believe how fucking stupid that bitch is being. And it's sad because she's been my so called best friend for 15 years now. I’m very angry about it to what she said and I feel because I was trying to take the high road I wasn't really able to defend myself. She played stupid little games with her text messages. It’s really pathetic. I told her I warned her ahead of time about everything and then she acts like I didn't and says like that shit back to me. When what about her? This one sided friendship that she's been supposedly given me, that's bogus that just a crock. She never put any effort into anything. I’m the one that always had to make concessions for her. always and on top of that all she's a fucking sloppy slutty alcoholic who has put me into many a shitty ass situation that I had to help her out of or experience with her cause she's such a bitch.

I'm also not so impressed by JDs get in contact because I’m getting married shit. Then ohhh guess who's not getting married after I start making all the plans to go way out of my way to be there. I feel hurt that she also really only even got in contact with me cause of the wedding. Like I made sure she new when I was getting married that I established contact first then brought her into my wedding plans. I wasn't going to do it for the sake of it. Especially since she's had a baby that I’ve never met. Her kids like a year already. It’s b.s.

I feel guilty and bad that my nephew's birthday was like 2 weeks ago and I still haven’t gotten anything I usually am so good about that stuff and I just feel shitty. I know it's not really about the presents but like I couldn't even be bothered to put any thought into it. It stresses me out because I have no money and he doesn't even really know me and it kill me. I feel like because I couldn’t even get the gift yet that I’m failing him, our relationship.

Those are all the pressing things on my mind, on my shoulders lately. Do I feel any better? I can’t really say that I do yet. Maybe it needs a bit of time, can't expect instant. I just want the weight to be lifted up. I really want money to be able to not crash and burn with financial ruin.

I want a better relationship with my husband; I wish I could communicate with him. He’s impossible. He’s like a fucking mute but he babbles and chatters all the time about non-relevant crap all the time.

I just want. And I feel that I shouldn't have to want in life. I’m most content with the simple things but I really haven’t been lately. I'm depressed to stay the least and obviously stressed out. Which of course if just part of it all. They go hand in hand I mean.

How can I feel so much hate and resentment to someone I love. Does it mean I don't love him anymore if I don't feel satisfied with our life as it is? Will it evolve, will he? I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to be a mother to him and most times if feel that is what he wants someone just to take care of him. I don't really feel love from him I feel like he just needs me because I do everything for him and I am the one that actually has everything. He moved in with me and has shit for stuff since his life was such a transient one and a flop for the most part.

Does anyone really see me? Do I even see myself? Maybe I’m so disillusioned to myself that I can't see anyone or anything clearly.

I’m just another one amongst the sea of emotional disappear that we all feel. I’m not any different. Not special per say. Just like this blog, it just one drop out there in a vast see of information, entertainment and crap. It’s not any better any worse, just ore noise. Just another small dot.

The joke really would be on me if there was some grandiose purpose or design. I don't feel that there is a specific purpose. I feel more general guideline, a personal interpretation for everyone but ultimately the same goals of love and fulfillment. Self acceptance, gratification, satisfaction. And not the dirty kinky fun kind. I don't know if I’m even making sense.

I’m mostly just taking to myself in my mind right now. No one else to really talk to. I guess I’m done for now.

We’ll see how it goes; right, just go with the flow.

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