Well to me it's still the 25th but i guess in all reality it is not that day anymore. To me tomorrow doens't start till i wake up. Needless to say it's like 3:30am and i have yet to sleep. I was tired a while ago and i did go to bed but i don't know i just couldn't sleep. My mind is wondering about boys....ofcourse...they are always the culprates aren't they...my joy my misery.... I was thinking about mike, i couldn't stop but then out of the blue i started thinking about Martin, talk about blast from the past. I was thinking about how loved i felt with him (even though he turned out to be a bastart) but he always did these lil' things that were so sweet and romantic... I remember after i first moved in with him how he made me a little vanity stand with a mirror and he set up all my make up kits and hair dryer and all that stuff. And how when i wanted that ruby stone thing at the stampede convention, how he ran in and paid the admission just to get it for me I don't know what i should do about bj, mike is going to call me tuesday night and i know he will ask me what i've done about bj. I'm sure if i say that i'm still talking to him that mike will take that as his own answer to the all important question of our relationship. but at the same time i need nookie!!! and in reality bj will give it to me and mike is incapable of doing that from the dam pen. Like really. Maybe it's better to let mike go..but how can i do that...he is the only thing i've ever coveded this badly ever. Although i know..everyone knows..that he isn't the type of guy that you sail away happily ever after with... But then that isn't even giving him a chance... i think he needs a chance... he can prove himself if he wanted to..he says he wants to... and i don't at all doubt the sincerity of his attratction to me or and more importanltly his love for me. That is real no doubt... BJ called while i was making meatballs for dada and i didn't hear the phone ring but i heard the message alert and whatever i saw him on the caller id and just called him back... he wanted thoes stupid posters i told him that he could have. But he wanted me to go over to deliver them...like what ever..i was busy anyway and i want' about to cart all that shit over there when i haven't even gone threw it yet. Like so i said as much to him. And then i asked what the message he left said.. he was like "oh what's going on your not calling me anymore??" Like whatever. I was like you said you were goin to call me, which is exactly what he said before when he called earlier and was watching the stupid hockey game with his boss dude. And whatever, i told him he only calls me when he wants something and it's true, the pattern is so apparent..but of course he denies it totally. And he had the nerve to ask me to make meatballs for him...i said very bluntly..what heve you done for me lately?? you didn't bail me out by buing me 150$ worth or groceries now did ya....Anyway he came here a few minuts later. He watched me finish the meatballs and throw them in the oven then we went down stairs and looked threw the posters/pictures that i had in the storage closet. Then he sat around here for a few minuts and whatever he left..he asked me to go along with him tomorrow on his stupid work run and whatever said he dind't have to work till like noon and whatever i said i should be able to get up by then...but i dont' know if i wanna go. like that's no fun to be withhim on his work run. Sitting in a bumpy big ass truck driving all over the city and the country. Not when i could be sleeping or doing whatever the hell i wanna do. so whatever, but i know if i ditch out like i did on saturday that he will totally trip out. But do i really care....maybe a lil' but only becasue then he'll with-hold sex...till he anin't mad anymore. but do i really care...no maybe i don't...plus that would work with the mike thing too..since bj will swear me off when he's mad and mike will ask if i got rid of him and it would totaly be the truth of the matter. Well i'm starting to feel sleepy again and hopefully i won't be thinking about all the boy toys of the past anymore...the past is behind me the future is jsut past this present ledge and i can do anything i want, mold my creation...my life...my dreams...my..me..me...me...me... like if i don't make it about me who will???....YOU?? I shudder at the prospect of that eh!. Well with no offence intended i will go off to dream land to see what my mind really wants and what my heart really wishes for...GOOD NIGHT, DON'T LET THE BED BUGS BITE, AND IF THEY DO....TAKE OFF YOUR SHOE, AND BEAT THEM TILL THEY'RE BLACK AND BLUE!!!! hugs and kisses xoxoxoxo