so,it says im in love,but love over reacting,but i reallly like kevin.hes amazing.i wish i could be with him like everyday.i think we are gonna hang out on friday.after he gets his head shaved.kejfkejhf.but i dont care,hes just that amazing.if he doesnt care what i look like,then i dont care what he looks like.i get mezmerized in his eyes.he has awsome eyes.hes gonna be gettin up in 4 hrs and 40 min.for work,fun fun.so fuck.summer is here,we go on the 30th for our report cards and fuck i hope i passed everything.if i didnt i will like die.party on the 1st when my rents go to hali!!then fireworks and stuff with kevin and the crew,yay.so woot im out

so..heres a point form update kevin-like him.likes me jayson-wtf ryan-over him-just friends mikes-needs to get happy and get over me lisa-i love her and shes moving half the ppl in our group are graduating billy is goin out with stacey kat is mad cuz kevin likes me i was drunk last night i was drunk last weekend i was drunk the weekend before i was drunk the weekend before that ive never felt so alone everyone is leaving me mom went to laconia i love my mom.i missed her terribly tj boates is an asshole i wish i never met you i wish u hated me i wish jelousy wasnt part of me i wish i could stop thinking of you exams are this week.on wed i want to jump off a cliff right now im a really cheap drunk telling someone you like them is easier drunk writing drunken emails is realllly dumb revenge is the worst way to go im just a pretty face im writing stories again and poems too i hope the cancer consumes you thats a bit harsh i hope it takes 3 years are suffering for you to get better and i hope you feel it deep in your heart like pins and needles sticking deep inside im getting my head shaved for cancer but not for you im getting my nape doubly pierced on the 23rd of june im regretting your name by that 4 letter word already im forgetting your name by that 4 letter word already im giving you reasons to uncuff me thats my point form update

On the rainiest day of the year, i'll hold your hand, and walk down the street with you.Feeling tasting and hearing you.And nothing is quiet, everyone is screaming.You can't hear the pain that my ears endure while I end my life with you.You have taken everything from me, my heart, my lungs, my mind, my body and soul, leaving me as petrified wood. But I still walk with you in the dark, under the stars, in the rain, waiting for you to hear the voices that scream in the blackness. The precipitation builds up in my hair and on my lips and you kiss it away. The screaming stops. My ears have stopped bleeding. Ive died tonight with you, onto your sweet wet lips and we are still in the middle of the street, in the rain, drenched and dead. The words I would give to you, if I could say them at this moment are unspeakable. Too deep, beautiful, morbid and untouchable for the moment. You give me life once again, you make me happy, I see your face and I feel like a wreckage. A wreckage in the rain with you, something impossible. And the screaming begins again. Biting my lip to hide my bitter pain from you, because you can never know.What I did.

i told him.he told me.i like him.he likes me.i kissed him.he kissed me.it was magical.it was truthful.it was everything.it was what i wanted.i wanted to feel something that was everything.and i felt that,through the high beams and screaming of cookie,i still felt it.within your lips.

when i wake up in the morning.the first thing i think about is you.and i hate it.before i go to sleep at night the last thing i think about is you and i hate it.but when i see your face, at night or in the day, i fuckin love it.

why?because every beautiful day is a day that isnt spent with you.

why?because every beautiful day is a day that isnt spent with you.

looking at the bottom of the bottle.theres nothing left,theres nothing left,theres nothing left.and all i want is one more.one more pill,drink,needle.bullet.and u just dont see this.im happy.im mortal.im everything u see on the outside.but inside im fucking tearing myself apart,looking through these razor blades and needles for my self esteem and happiness that i once had.u try so hard to build this up,but u rip me apart,u destroy me.and i hate you even more for that.

so..i like billy.billy likes me?tj likes me.tj is cool and all.isnt really my type.fuck.i dont wanna break another heart.and im being such a tease too.next thing u know, ill be going out with billy,and tj will hate my gutz cuz i dragged him along.im not used to someone liking me like this and the girls who r, they r used to dragging them along and breaking hearts and not giving a shit.fuckk.this kills me.

so.me and ang3 went to hali today,i spent 200 dollars,it was awsome,i bought soo much frikin stuff,and saw so many hot guys.the whole time i was at ang3s i was like freakin cuz i wanted to talk to tj,tell me that i dont like him..i dont know really cuz i like just met him and i cant say i do.fuckk.grr.anyways.vixx never came to see ryan and it pissed me off do effing much i wanted to kill her when i heard that.he was so excited and when we were drunk he was right she wasnt comming,i just wanted tp cheer him up.but oh well.its like may 6th.and school gets out in june.soo its all good.and laura doesnt want me comming to ang3s anymore,so wow,isnt that great,im hated,hm.

sooo.1 person really likes me that i know of and hes super cool.and i dotn even know why he likes me.but i wanna get to know him,and not go out with him and then hate him.i dont ever wanna break someone elses heart again.i always feel bad about it.but if mike does like me,itll be oober weird if we did go out,cuz they are like good friends.i really dont know its soo fucked.and his mom seems oober cool.well i gotta go antm is on

SOOO me and ryan are hanging out tomorrow,yay!!!cant wait,im so tired,i got loaded last night,i was mad/depressed cuz jasyon left me for a party when we never talk.and he better fuckin come on thursday.i love time with ryan,but it barely ever happens cuz hes always busy or soemthing,maybe if i was a phyco stalker id see him more often,lol.i know i would,well i see him at school and shit,talk to him once in a blue moon,but thats it.not at all like the fun we have like at the movies or the concert.and hes sooo funny,he makes me smile so much.*sigh*perfection is always so far away,whenever its the closest to you.

this is what ryan said was my reaction whe he said he didnt like him at the begining of the yr whe i frst talked to him Ryaaan iloveyousomuchvix; 4?? says: it was just like.. you: im going to see him me: i dont like him you:bunch of happy faces.bunch of stright faces,dissapointed faces...sad faces,lmao

so,apparently i was all over tj after we go inside and me and tj were on the bed,i dont remember this and we made out by the pit for like 5 min.liek fuck.and i ruined his jacket,i threw up all over it.

Ryaaan iloveyousomuchvix; aroundd? says: so basicly you telling me your going to be touching me and trying to make out with me? yesss<3

OMG,i was so wasted last night.i was supposed to call mom to come and get me but i was just too wasted and forgot,like omgosh.the last thing i remember was rolling down the sandhill and almost into the fire,everyone was like woah!u appeared outta nowhere.and then i was having like the worst trip ever,i know a trip from being drunk but,it was so scary,i just wanted to be instantly sober,all i was seeing was trees,and apparently i passed out as soon as we got in.i puked everywhere,like on my clothes,other ppls clothes,the phone!!??!?!like on the inside of the phone,maybe i was trying to call home,lol.i just cant figure out how they got me through the woods.the whole time i was like leaning on tj,and hugging mike and saying (in a drunk voice)"im soooo happy u invited me"lol,and out of nowhere i kissed him,like wtf,lol.n i think,im not sure but i think i pissed my pants,i dont know,lol.i stunk so bad,i showered immediatly when i got home.and there was a chinese guy there,alex,he was totally cool,i kept asking him like if he played piano,and if i could feel his hair,cuz chinese ppl usually have really soft hair.we were freezing for the first little bit cuz we couldnt get the fire going,so like 2 ppl went and got gas and then we had a blazing fire going.i felt so bad cuz mom waited for me and i never called,i figured she would have just went to bed after about 12.i dont know how wasted everyone else was but i know i was fucked,tj must have had a considerable amount cuz he looked pretty harsh in the morning.ppl were screaming in my ear and shit,i was like shit,shut up.i just cant get over how i got bback to the house,cuz its quite a ways back through the woods,like through trees and stuff.no one remembered my name,only ppl who knew me originally.it was pretty fun,besides the hangover and forgetting to call mom.love u mom.

so im charging ed,yup,and so is mom.i dont think it would have come to this if he wouldnt have been so stupid to ask for custody,he had no chance at all.i hope the fucker rots in jail.even tho its jasmines father i dont care,jasmines perception of her father is fucked up,she sees him as her god and hes nothing like that.i hated having to give all the details of what happened to the cops,it helped oh so much that all of the cops were male.i wish he would have just beaten the shit outta me,it would have been so much easier to explain like moms story"he hit me,punched me,pushed me"its easier than sexual abuse.hes being arrested on tuesday,that will be so stressful for me,i never expected my life to be like this,i never expected to actually go ahead with this.but im happy i am,i want jasmine to know the truth,but when she can really understand.

so..ive been thinking about alot,who i am,who i want to be.how ive been acting.who ive hurt.who has hurt me.who i want to hurt.its just so much to think about all the time,but really when u think about it,it messes you up.you cant believe you are that kind of person.i was talking with ang3 yesterday about school,like college,and it freaks me out.school now pisses me off enough as it is,but college?i want a career,not a job,i think theres a difference.the lawyers and social workers and shit,its like crazy shit,it doesnt help that i have a strong hate for social workers.i had a dream that i beat the shit outta ed,i took a 2 x4 and was just pounding the shit outta him,a different hit for everything we were put through.i really cant wait until jasmine is older and maybe she will understand,part of me wants her to hate her father, so much that she doesnt ever want to talk to him.but thats wrong,im not that person,although id love to hear him cry over that,and go physco.i dont know what im going to do in court,im afraid ill jump off the stand and start killing him.fuck.i dont know how u identify depression but i think ive hit it.maybe not.i was watching oprah today and she said ask urself the question who ami,and not with the answers daughter,sister,so on.why was i brought here,only thing i can think of is technical.when two ppl.....you know.but seriously who am i,how many times is that in my diary,and i cant answer that,i dont even answer with roles in my diary because i cant answer that question.so.who am i? i dont know how to answer that when you dont change the question,when they read their diarys,it didnt pretain to the question,so maybe somthing else.

omg,the concert rocked,the moshpit the awsome,and omg,my already fractured foot,is like demolished now,and my back is mutilated,i have two buises on my hips,and 8ewfuhruifh,my foot hurts like a mother fucker,i have touched so much dna tonight it isnt even funny.we drove all the way to new minas,and then i told ryan there was a foodland in coldbrook,and he blamed me for going the wrong way,lol.well he told me it was kentville and i thought he knew where he was going,lol.then we were going to get batteries,and he did a donut and i went flying into him,and back into the window and the camera i was trying to batteries into hit my head and the batteries that were on my lap went all onto the floor.then i poured rocks into his sock and it gave him a blister,i thought he got them out,sowwy.it was an awsome night.i was in the pit and i got knocked down and then someone fell on top of me and i was trying to get up and ppl were stepping on me.so many ppl stepped on my foot it wasnt even funny.im limping worse than ever now.i lost my lighter.and my smokes managed to stay in tact,lol.im sure more bruises will appear tomorrow,i feel like ive been beaten,wait i have been,but in a friendly way,thats what i like about the pit,when u fall,they dont trample u,they help u up.me and ryan were singing to friends by bigwig,it rocked,he had no one to sing with,so who better than me<3,lol,thats all i am,friend,huh.all ill be,but its good enough.i have to go sleep,my whole body pains and im sure it will feel even better in the morning,yay,pain.

keblah ....concert tomorrow night with ryan and some adam kid,wooot,ill see billy there and saweet lalalallalalalalalalalalala.i love him,i hate her.im so happy he invited me.drunkness.wejkbdfiebf